Tuesday, November 01, 2011

Debbie Downer strikes again!

(I wrote this yesterday (Halloween) but just posting now…)

I wonder when I’ll hear from the doctor’s office as to when I’m getting in to see a counsellor?! 

When someone shows signs of depression and an inability to overcome something traumatic, and you say you need to talk to someone about this…would it not be safe to assume that the person should probably talk to someone really soon? 

I feel like this feeling is just dragging on, nagging at me day and night.  I try to ‘feel better’…Saturday was HORRIBLE and I felt like I was just sinking further and further into a deep dark hole.  Yesterday I felt the sadness but did pretty well at keeping my mind occupied on other things.  This morning I opened my eyes and THERE IT WAS AGAIN.

I look out the living room window to a bright array of beautiful fall colours.  Some people love having a big city view from their living room.  We had that when we lived near the top of a high rise in the west end for a few years.  I enjoyed it at the time, but I much prefer looking out at the green, and in the fall the beautiful yellows and reds and oranges.  It’s breezy out there and leaves are randomly falling to the ground.  It’s truly breathtaking.  And I’m enjoying it.  But I’d be enjoying it SO MUCH MORE if I didn’t have this horrible sinking feeling deep inside. 

I want to feel carefree.  I want to just be living each day for what I can get out of it.  I don’t like feeling as though I’m wasting my time on sadness and negativity, wondering how I can ever get away from this blahness.

I do enjoy individual moments, but part of me also feels like I’m just going through the motions.

I finished all my sleeping pills and as of today my plan is to be completely pill free, including things like Tylenol.  I’ve started taking my prenatal vitamins again because my doctor said I should keep taking them if I want to try to get pregnant again.  I don’t know if it’s a good idea to try emotionally because if this happens again I honestly don’t know how I’ll cope.  But on the other hand, if I wait a long time to try, what if it takes a long time to get pregnant this time around?  The age gap between my kids could end up being huge!  I don’t want that.  I also don’t want another Christmas baby, which means the hope is to get pregnant again BEFORE March.  I feel scared about getting pregnant, but even more scared about not.

I wrote the above yesterday…Of course I still feel the same today.  I did have a lot of fun during our Halloween excursion yesterday.  I was also wearing a mask, and strangely I found some comfort in feeling like I was ‘out in public’ but also hiding.

Last night I slept for MAYBE 2 hours, and not all in a row.  Mostly because Andrew wouldn’t let me sleep, and then it would take me forever to shut my mind off again to try to drift back off.  I finally fell asleep after 7am only to have my mil call at 730...Even tho James pretty much ALWAYS leaves for work BEFORE that and even if he didn't that is TOO EARLY TO CALL!  I've been telling her that for 13 years though so why would I expect her to change now.  So frustrating. 

Luckily my parents have taken the boy this afternoon so I’m going to go try to get some sleep.  I feel really out of it, that’s how tired I am – and that’s NOT going to help any with my moods.  It’s a vicious circle!  I feel like I have so little time to just be able to try to take care of myself.  What I’ve been doing clearly isn’t working!


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