Better than expected

My doctor’s appointment yesterday went SO MUCH BETTER than I had anticipated.

As soon as my doctor walked into the room, without us (James was with me) saying anything, he said, ‘Some apologies are in order…’ and he was able to confirm our suspicions that the receptionist he had in while the main one was on vacation was indeed a dud.  He was slightly kinder about it than I would have been, but as he put it, ‘I do feel quite angry about it, but anger gets us nowhere, so let’s try to not be.’  I was not alone in my frustrations dealing with her, which sucks in that obviously I don’t want to think other people were getting screwed over also, but at least I know it wasn’t just me!  He said on one of the days, 17 people showed up for the exact same appointment time…so the fact that she was overlooking getting counselling appointments etc made isn’t surprising.

The unfortunate thing is that BECAUSE of her errors, I lost an appointment I could have had right away.  Apparently an appointment had opened up to see a gynaecologist, but because she didn’t call them back (even though the doctor DID tell her to), by the time she did, (I bet it was after I CALLED HER again to find out about it and she said, ‘oh, right, I was supposed to call them today…ummm, I’ll call you right back’ only she never did…) the appointment was gone.  I know the doctor’s mannerisms since we’ve been seeing him since early 2009, and I could tell he was not happy with how things turned out.

One thing he could have discussed more in-depth with us last visit, so we wouldn’t have been confused on this, would have been WHY we have to go through a gynaecologist to get a counselling appointment.  Basically, the way our health care system works, it’s not so easy to get a direct referral to a counsellor from a family physician.  If I go to a gynaecologist and they check me out medically first, I can tell the gyno that I am feeling depressed because of what happened physically, and then THEY can refer me to an appropriate type of counsellor.  Whereas if my family doctor refers me, I go into a more community based program where I could end up with the wrong type of counsellor.  He said I could end up going to my first appointment thinking I’m on the road to getting the help I need, only to discover I’ve been sent to a marriage counsellor (as an example) and they wouldn’t be able to help me with grief/depression, so I’d have to start the process all over again. 

Unfortunately, it really can take up to 6 months or even longer to see a gynaecologist.  So we might instead go the route of me getting a psych consult first, and then they would be able to help determine the next route of action.  So I’m thinking that’s probably what will happen.  The doctor asked me a series of questions related to finding out if I’m depressed, and he said that while I don’t meet every criteria (for example, I was adamant that while sometimes I might for a fleeting moment wish I could just run away – as in, escape from my life just for a short time and imagine in that time frame not feeling so depressed – I would never, ever even consider suicide as an option, mainly because I just couldn’t do that to my family, particularly Andrew).  But he said I do meet some of the criteria for sure, and comparing our last visit to this one, he seems to think I AM leaning towards getting worse, not better, if I don’t get help.  And I totally agree, based on how I’ve been feeling.  I have a family history of depression, so there’s concern too around it hitting me hard given what others close to me and throughout my family history (I’m talking generations here!) have been through.  So…now I wait for the GOOD receptionist to hopefully get the ball rolling quickly, and we’ll go from there. 

I feel good about having an appointment already made for next week with the counsellor I found privately, even though it’ll cost an arm and a leg to see her.  I really do think it’s a good fit for me, and maybe I would only need a couple of sessions to work through what I need to in order to move forward from this.  Only time will tell!

We did go over the ultrasound results from the day of the miscarriage.  Basically it told us nothing.  They had it written up that there was no visible gestational sac and certainly no baby.  So how they missed that, I will never know.  And that’s the ultimate thing that I have to wrap my head around.  I know that the baby was indeed there in its gestational sac, because it was the very last thing to come out of me during the miscarriage.  I am both haunted and comforted by it every single day of my life now.  (Haunted for obvious reasons, comforted because at least I KNOW my baby WAS inside me, I wasn’t crazy – even though it was early days at 11 weeks, I KNOW I felt movement even in the weeks leading up to that, and that was probably a sign that maybe it wasn’t where it should have been or SOMETHING, but I know what I felt and I know what I SAW, so…don’t tell me I didn’t have a baby in there!)  But when I started asking the doctor a bunch of questions about why the baby wasn’t visible on the ultrasound, he stopped me and said, ‘We will never know.’  There will never be an answer to the questions I have about this, and I have to learn how to live with that without it overwhelming me with sadness/anxiety.

I also got my flu shot, which I’m glad to have gotten over with…but wouldn’t you know it – the doctor said that in every batch of needles, there tends to be one that is on the dull side, and therefore is harder to push into the skin…Well, I got the dull needle yesterday!  I didn’t care so much because ultimately, after everything I’ve been through, I can handle a dull needle in my arm!  But today it’s so red and puffy and hot and sore, more than usual.  LOL, wouldn’t you know!

But I have to say, while some of the stuff I had to talk about during the doctor’s appointment wasn’t easy, I felt good about the doctor himself.  I felt he redeemed himself, and without me having to pressure him to apologize – I didn’t even say anything and he was making sure we knew that he was not OK with the mistakes that were being made.  So while the whole thing has been very unfortunate, at least I feel better about continuing to see this doctor and know he CAN provide my family with good care.


Lojo said…
Glad it went well.:)

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