The mood swings I’ve been having are ridiculous. For part of one day I’ll think, I’m doing alright, I’m going to get through this just fine! And then BOOM it just hits me all over again like a tonne of bricks.
Last night James was off to his bro’s surprise birthday party. I was invited, too, of course, but I had already declined the invite because I still get anxious just going out in public in general – I’m not ready to be in a party atmosphere just yet, especially with a large group of people I don’t know but DO know I wouldn’t have much in common with. I was happy with my decision not to go, it’s what I needed to do. I was fully anticipating a ‘quiet night in’ (haha, with a toddler, yeah right!!) with the boy, but then on a whim I decided to see if my parents wanted to come over for dessert. They said yes, so Andrew and I made a chocolate cake. He loves baking – in fact, while he was waiting for me to get the egg beaters out, he said, ‘I just love this cake! I don’t LIKE this cake, I LOVE IT!’ LOL We made chocolate icing and then Andrew decorated the cake with some Halloween-themed toothpicks. He was so excited about it that as soon as we met my parents at the door to let them in, he said, ‘I just made a cake, come see it, come see it!’
He obsessed over getting Halloween tattoos put on that my mom had brought over, so mostly my dad and I chatted while my mom and Andrew did the tattoos. After that, Andrew decided he wanted to go sleep over at their place, and announced that it was time to go! I said maybe they wanted to get some sleep tonight and we would plan a sleep over for another time, but my parents said they were fine with it if it was what he wanted. He’s been such a little cling-on lately with me, and he hasn’t wanted to be away from me through the night at all, so it was a really good sign that he was asking on his own to be able to go. My mom said if he wanted to go he’d have to get ready so he looked down at himself in just a diaper and threw his hands in the air saying, ‘I need to get dressed! Mommy, get my suitcase!’ Seriously, that kid is SO FUNNY!!
After I got him into his jammies, he gave me several hugs and kisses and said, ‘I will miss you, Mommy.’ Then he said, ‘And Daaaaddddyyyy!’ I reminded him that Daddy wasn’t going to get home till late anyway, so he wouldn’t have seen him till the morning, so it would be fine. He was satisfied with that, but kept giving me more hugs and kisses and told me he’d miss me and that he loves me!
I have to admit, it was nice to know that I had the potential for a full night’s sleep without interruption! Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be…While Andrew slept RIGHT THROUGH THE NIGHT WITHOUT WAKING UP ONCE at his grandparents’ place – from 11pm-7:45am, I still can’t quite get over it! – I barely slept a wink. Between my own crazy insomnia, the guy upstairs making tons of racket from 3am onward, James snoring, and our stupid heater clicking every few seconds, I wanted to scream! I’m getting really sick of our upstairs neighbour’s night time routine, truthfully. He’s mostly quiet, but his awake moving about time seems to be the middle of the night, and it conflicts with my routine of needing to get some sleep at that time.
Anyway…so I unfortunately got up in the morning and found myself feeling very weepy and once again dwelling on losing the baby and the what ifs and things I can’t change but also can’t seem to stop obsessing over – at least when I am overtired and therefore more emotional.
Luckily James is so supportive and was good about talking with me about it. He’s really concerned, obviously, and wonders like me why the hell the doctor’s office hasn’t called back with an appointment with a counsellor yet. We’re going to call tomorrow and get that sorted out so hopefully I’ll get somewhere with that soon.
We were supposed to get together with some family friends today and get Andrew reunited with his ‘first girlfriend’ – the last time they saw each other he was maybe 4 months old and she was 2 ½, or thereabouts. So it’s been a while, but how cute would they be together now?! I just wasn’t feeling up for a social visit with how tired and emotional I was, so James decided rather than invite them over as previously thought, he went out with Andrew to get together with them. Part of me feels sad (and sorry for myself) because I’m missing out on a potentially fun time, and I’ve wanted to get together with them for a long time, but when I am in this type of funk it’s so hard to go sit with people and just chat about this and that as if I’m totally OK. I just couldn’t do it.
It’s probably good for me to have had this time to just ‘relax’ and think and have some peace and quiet. I wish I was feeling better and could be doing more, but I guess I’ll get there eventually, right? I feel ridiculous for being in this state over what happened, but it has left me so traumatized, and I can’t help but feel what I do. I have flashbacks and some crazy anxiety, in particular when I try to go to sleep at night, and then not sleeping results in a truly vicious circle. Hopefully it stops soon, wouldn’t it be great if I could focus on other things for longer than 5 minutes?