Showing posts from November, 2011

Disney on Ice: TS3

Pointing at his Buzz Lightyear shirt, getting geared up for the show :) On Sunday my mom and dad and I took Andrew to see Disney on Ice’s Toy Story 3.  I was a bit worried that our seats wouldn’t be very good because I went for the ‘cheap’ tickets at ‘only’ $25 each.  I didn’t want to spend a fortune to take Andrew to the show when it could go either way - he could absolutely love it, just as easily as he could say he wants to go home after 5 minutes.  You never know with a 2 year old!  (Although I have to be honest, he has a pretty amazing track record for doing really well whenever we’ve taken him to concerts and things).

There really aren’t any terrible seats at the Pacific Coliseum because it’s not really THAT big of a place, so our seats, while fairly high up, were perfect for seeing the show.  We could also see above the curtain where the characters came out onto the ice, so Andrew thought it was pretty cool that he could see them as they were walking toward the stage…

Mall Santa and other stories

I have my computer back, aaahhh!  It felt like longer than 5 days that I was without it.  We’ll see if it behaves better now...They did nothing to fix it for me at FS, ultimately James reinstalled the operating system, so I might as well have just had him do that in the first place.  But anyway...

I promised a more upbeat post, and that’s what I’m going to give, BUT my post about Disney on Ice still has to wait because I’m too lazy to transfer pictures from my camera tonight.  

Today I was feeling really tired/borderline sickish from not enough sleep, BUT after a few hours of just wasting away on the couch while the boy watched some shows (I introduced him to The Grinch and Frosty the Snowman and I’m happy to report he loves both!) I said enough is enough and I did what I could to shake myself off and get on with things.  We got ready and headed to Lougheed Mall.  James and I used to live really close to that mall years ago (our first apartment together) and while a few …

I really don't get people sometimes...

I promise you my next post will be more upbeat.  I haven’t got my computer back yet, so I’m waiting till I get it to do a post with pictures about the fun we had at Disney on Ice this weekend!  My parents and I took Andrew to see Toy Story 3 on ice and it was awesome.  He absolutely LOVED it.  But more on that later...

I was in zombie mode today.  I’m doing my best to refrain from taking sleep-eze anymore, which has been my crutch pretty much for the past week and a bit.  When I got my period and therefore knew I wasn’t pregnant, I started taking it every single night because it really does help me to shut my brain down in order to fall asleep without horrific images entering my mind on a loop.  On Saturday night I didn’t take one, and even though I went to bed at about 12:45am, I didn’t fall asleep till almost 4.  I just tossed and turned and relived my nightmare over and over.  I tried to focus on other things, but my mind ALWAYS took it back to where I didn’t want it to go.

So last n…


I’m using James’ MacBook, and I have to be honest - I’m missing my PC!  I’m just so used to it, what can I say.  It feels like so much is opposite on the mac from what I’m used to, and I can’t seem to get the hang of scrolling properly on this thing.  

My laptop is in the shop, should be home (hopefully) by Monday or so.  It does this really annoying ‘Not Responding’ thing far too often, and for no apparent reason.  After putting up with it for pretty much the entire year I’ve had it, I finally got up the courage to be without it for a few days to have it fixed!

Last night I was talking to James about, yep you guessed it, the thing that happened to me that we shall not mention that I am mentioning anyway!  In the conversation, what I was trying to convey was my belief that maybe it’s a ‘good’ sign that I’m at least recognizing the main things about it that are causing me so much grief.  In my head it sounded like a positive thing, but once I got to talking about it I just ended up feeli…

Staying focused...

After playing phone tag since yesterday, I finally got a call back from the mental health services.I did a 10 minute assessment over the phone, being asked to rate my anxiety levels etc.One of the last questions was whether or not I’d be receptive to taking anti-depressants should a doctor suggest them to me.
I said no.I didn’t give a reason for why (I wasn’t asked that) but the main reason is of course because I want to get pregnant again soon, and if I can do that without being on a medication, that’s the best thing.I’m also slightly terrified of becoming dependant on medication if I don’t have to.I know that sometimes it’s necessary, and I certainly don’t think any less of anyone who takes medication.I just personally want to try to go without, most especially for the sake of the healthy pregnancy I’m hoping to have in the near future…
Because I said no to medication, the nurse informed me that going for a psych consult probably isn’t in my best interest.Basically, if I went to the a…

It's Christmas time in the city

My Photobook project arrived today, but I wasn’t home to receive the package so I’m going to pick it up tomorrow.Fingers crossed it printed the way I’ve envisioned it!I look forward to seeing the finished product and getting them wrapped and ready for Christmas.
Every single day now Andrew asks me, ‘Is it Christmas today?’We decorated way too early, obviously!!I keep having to tell him it’s not even December yet, so we’ve got a ways to go.Tonight he asked me again but he was just being facetious, I could tell by the smile on his face.He then added, ‘We’re getting closer to it?!’
Tomorrow I’m going to work on getting the Advent calendar ready.I plan on making an advent calendar for next year, one we can use traditionally each year thereafter.I was going to make one for this year, but then my plan was instead to make a blanket or something for the baby, like I did for Andrew while I was pregnant with him.Thank gawd I hadn’t started on that before I lost the baby.I was actually planning on…

One moment at a time

I need to focus reeeeeally hard and try to not be so depressed.  I just don’t know how to shut it off.  I feel like I shouldn’t write on here anymore if I can’t say anything happy…But I’m afraid I don’t know when I’d be up to writing again if that’s the case.  I sound so pathetic/dramatic and it’s getting on my own nerves so I can well imagine how it is to be reading it!
I am OK in individual moments, but I seriously have to take each day minute by minute.  It’s so annoying!  Andrew and I spent a bit of time at my mom’s this afternoon and did some crafts (he made a witch from a foam kit thing, painted, and worked on some colouring…including drawing all over himself!)  It was good to be out and I was able to pick up Andrew’s birthday stuff that got delivered the other day when we were out.  But by the time we got home and I was having to think of something to make for supper…I just felt myself crashing.
I’m fairly good at not showing the pain I’m in – it’s not like Andrew had any idea h…

I am umbrellaless

Yesterday the counsellor told me that it can be helpful when I find myself thinking about my loss, to just make statements about it.To say things like,
‘I lost my baby.
My baby died.
I never thought I would go through something so horrible as the loss of a child.
There is nothing worse than losing one’s own child.
I can’t believe how HORRIBLY I was treated at Royal Columbian Hospital.
I HATE Royal Columbian Hospital!
After going through what I did, I can’t believe how silent most people are about miscarriage.
I want to shout out to the whole world that it happened to me!
I will never get over the loss of my 11 week gestated baby.
My baby was REAL, my baby was not ‘just’ a fetus.
I can’t believe I have given birth to two babies, but I only have one child.
I never in a million years thought this would be my life.’
I don’t know if I went about that right, because honestly, it doesn’t seem to help me.I ‘get’ the idea that making statements as plain ol’ facts can be helpful, because ultimately it’s co…

A very dark cloud

I had a really rough day emotionally today.No day has been ‘easy’ since ‘it’ happened, but some days are a lot worse than others.Today was definitely one of ‘those’ days.
I don’t even know why it happens that way.Maybe my mind has still been working at processing the counselling appointment from yesterday.I don’t know exactly what it is.Well, I DO know exactly what it is…but you know what I mean.It’s always ‘there’, so why is it sometimes so much harder to bear?
I found out last night that someone I know who has a child not much younger than Andrew is expecting again.Maybe that has been bothering me a little bit?It’s not that I’m not happy for them, because I am…I just have no control over the fact that it breaks my heart a little to know that they are having their second baby before we’ll be having another healthy child.I want to just be happy for them, but I can’t help but also feel sorry for myself, because they’ll have their baby with the age difference that I wanted between Andrew …

The urge to purge

I know I go through phases where I say this, but I really feel like getting rid of a lot of stuff.The problem is that even though I have the urge to purge, actually doing it is a whole other story.I need someone to go through everything with me and kindly but firmly tell me to part with this or that and make it hard for me to say no!
I love everything I have, but I know there’s a lot that I really don’t need.Sure, I’d keep certain things for sentimental reasons, even if they’re impractical.But, for example, I HATE how cluttered our closets are.We have far more storage space here than in our last 2 apartments, and yet I managed to fill it all up – how does that happen?!Although I just remembered that a big reason for that is my parents’ move and me ‘inheriting’ all the stuff I’d left in my old room in Nanaimo, as well as a lot of their stuff that they were getting rid of…
For good reason, I feel the need to scale back.I also feel right now that while sure I can find importance in every …

Power outage

It got so stormy here last night that the power went off at around 4 in the morning.
We all noticed it right away – even Andrew – because the fan suddenly shut off.I don’t sleep well at the best of times, but I don’t sleep much at all without a fan for the white noise.It helps drown out the sound of the guy upstairs walking around, and drowns out any other noises.It was so quiet without the fan, and yet so noisy – we could hear the wind blowing through the trees, the rain pelting down and dripping from the drains outside, and, of course, the neighbour upstairs walking around his condo (yes, he was up at 4 in the morning, and no, that’s not at all unusual).
It took me at least an hour to fall asleep, and I kept waking up because of the lack of fan.I woke up at 7:15 and woke James up, because that’s when he should have been leaving for work.Luckily it’s OK if he’s late – although he has to make up the time if he wants to get paid for it.Andrew and I slept in a bit, thank goodness -I was w…

First session

I’m really exhausted after seeing the counsellor today, and for a change I think I don’t feel like talking about it!It was a great appointment, I felt really comfortable with her right away and I do think she can help guide me toward feeling better.I just need to process it more.It made me feel soooo tired, it’s crazy how exhausted I am just from talking to someone for an hour and a bit!But I guess it’s just the emotions, it’s tiring.
It felt good to have my feelings validated.She said she thinks it’s post traumatic stress I’m dealing with, because I have trigger moments where I’m just suddenly in that moment all over again.Very strong sudden flashbacks.I guess it helps to know that’s what I’m dealing with, and that it’s because of not just the trauma of having a miscarriage, but in how I was treated (or, not treated) at the hospital.If I’d been shown more care and compassion, she said it’s quite possible I would be grieving the loss but I wouldn’t be plagued by how badly it all played…

So much on my mind

It seems there are so many hard things one goes through during/after a miscarriage.Even weeks and weeks later.Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since I lost my baby, and yet I still face different stages of grief every day.
Usually it’s depression.I just feel so sad for the loss of my baby, that all I want to do is talk about it, because ultimately it’s often all that’s on my mind.I try to break this cycle by thinking about Andrew, since he makes me feel so happy.I was having a bubble bath the other night, which is supposed to be a relaxing experience, but somehow my mind drifted toward the baby and how everything played out and I was so beside myself.I realized suddenly that I was practically holding my breath and was tense and feeling anxious.I quickly forced myself to stop thinking about it, and instead I could hear Andrew saying funny things in my head.One of my current faves is how he likes to get inside a fort that we make in the living room, and then I have to ‘knock’ at the door to the …


Andrew is sleeping over at my parents’ place tonight.I just remembered he’s not actually asleep in his bed right now!I’m so used to him being so close by.I’m hoping to get somewhat of a decent sleep tonight, though the insomnia was terrible last night so I’m not holding my breath.Also, I just remembered a few hours ago that my counselling appointment was bumped up to tomorrow…EEEEK!!!!I am totally freaking out about it.Which I know is ridiculous.I booked the appointment of my own free will.I am ‘willingly’ parting with $125 smackers for an hour long session.Which seems crazy.But if I wasn’t crazy, I wouldn’t be needing the help, so….Ha!
I don’t even want to get into the anxiety I’m feeling around the appointment tomorrow.Suffice it to say, I am a bit of a wreck, even though I know I’ll feel better once I get the ball rolling on this.I just have anxiety around starting over talking about the whole thing.
I know I need to though.Case in point: this morning my parents drove me out to a pla…

Eternally Loved

Even though I lost my baby before I ever got the chance to hold him or her in my arms, I felt this overwhelming sense of having lost a real child as soon as it happened.  I guess because the baby had been growing inside of me, I always knew they were with me, and I could touch my belly as a means of affection.  With the baby no longer there, I still felt a strong urge to reach out to them in some way – but how?  What would make sense as ‘something to hold onto’ with regards to a baby that I never even got the chance to know?

It was something that I found very difficult, in particular during those first few days/weeks after the loss.  I desperately longed for the baby that was no longer there, and I NEEDED something to hold onto.  I knew that I not only wanted, but NEEDED something that could symbolize the baby for me.
Some people suggested planting a tree, and this is an idea I still really like and perhaps next spring or summer (or whenever the best time is to plant a tree?!) I would s…