Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Disney on Ice: TS3

Pointing at his Buzz Lightyear shirt, getting geared up for the show :)
On Sunday my mom and dad and I took Andrew to see Disney on Ice’s Toy Story 3.  I was a bit worried that our seats wouldn’t be very good because I went for the ‘cheap’ tickets at ‘only’ $25 each.  I didn’t want to spend a fortune to take Andrew to the show when it could go either way - he could absolutely love it, just as easily as he could say he wants to go home after 5 minutes.  You never know with a 2 year old!  (Although I have to be honest, he has a pretty amazing track record for doing really well whenever we’ve taken him to concerts and things).

There really aren’t any terrible seats at the Pacific Coliseum because it’s not really THAT big of a place, so our seats, while fairly high up, were perfect for seeing the show.  We could also see above the curtain where the characters came out onto the ice, so Andrew thought it was pretty cool that he could see them as they were walking toward the stage.

I thought it would just be the Toy Story characters but the first to come out were Mickey, Minnie, Donald Duck, and Goofy.  Andrew was thrilled!  He loves the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse cartoon, and every night before bed lately he asks me to tell him about Disneyland, so he couldn’t believe those guys were in the same room as him.  Good thing, too, because when I told Andrew we were going to ‘Disney on Ice’, he read into that and decided we were going TO DISNEYLAND.  When I corrected him on that the night before the show, he had a total meltdown and said, ‘I don’t WANT to go to ON ICE, I want to go to Disneyland INSTEAD!’  LOL  But once we got to the coliseum he was loving every minute of it.

The show was really good, and it was fun seeing all the characters ‘in person.’  It was totally worth it just to see Andrew’s reaction to it all.  I’d look over at him and he’d either be waving constantly to his favourite characters, or he’d be bobbing his head around and clapping.  He got right into it!

It was a long show, about 2 hours including a 15 minute intermission.  We also got to our seats half an hour before the show started, so that says a lot about Andrew’s ability to focus and enjoy a performance.  That’s a really long time to sit in one place for an adult, let alone a little one!

I know Toy Story 3 pretty well from Andrew obsessing over it last year/earlier this year.  The show stayed true to it for the most part, although there were extra ‘scenes’ in it, all of which were great but I do think possibly they could have shaved some time off in one or two places to make it slightly shorter.  It was a good length but could have been a little shorter I think...I particularly loved when the little green aliens were dancing, and also the parts with Ken and Barbie were priceless!  I would definitely recommend checking out Disney on Ice with little ones, it costs a bit of money but you don’t have to get the $75/each tickets to enjoy the show.  

The one thing I would say was off-putting about it was how insanely expensive everything was at the show.  First of all, it cost $15 just to park the car!  Then when we got in, there was all the merchandise but at crazy prices.  More expensive than the actual Disney store.  I usually buy SOMETHING for Andrew at whatever shows we go to, but not this time.  Popcorn was $12 because you had to buy it in a Toy Story bucket.  What would we do with a Toy Story bucket?!  Luckily while we were there, Andrew didn’t ask for anything, so I didn’t feel bad about not making a purchase.  After the show he asked why he didn’t get anything, but he forgot about it pretty quickly, thank goodness!  I think it’s crazy to charge exorbitant prices for the toys, but then again there were a LOT of people buying it, so I guess they can get away with it.  

It was a fun way to spend a Sunday afternoon.  It’s one of the joys, to me, of being a parent - getting to go to the shows geared toward kids, it’s so fun getting to enjoy these things through a child’s eyes!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Mall Santa and other stories

I have my computer back, aaahhh!  It felt like longer than 5 days that I was without it.  We’ll see if it behaves better now...They did nothing to fix it for me at FS, ultimately James reinstalled the operating system, so I might as well have just had him do that in the first place.  But anyway...

I promised a more upbeat post, and that’s what I’m going to give, BUT my post about Disney on Ice still has to wait because I’m too lazy to transfer pictures from my camera tonight.  

Today I was feeling really tired/borderline sickish from not enough sleep, BUT after a few hours of just wasting away on the couch while the boy watched some shows (I introduced him to The Grinch and Frosty the Snowman and I’m happy to report he loves both!) I said enough is enough and I did what I could to shake myself off and get on with things.  We got ready and headed to Lougheed Mall.  James and I used to live really close to that mall years ago (our first apartment together) and while a few things have changed about it, I think I don’t care for that mall much.  I kind of got sick of it after 7 years living near it!  But it was a change for Andrew to go there.  We walked in and saw where they had it set up like the North Pole and Andrew said, ‘Where’s Santa?!’  He happened to be relatively close by and not busy, so he came over and said Hi to Andrew and gave him a candy cane.  Andrew was thrilled!  He talked to Santa a bit about the train they had set up there and about the snowmen and then we said our goodbyes.  I want Andy to have his picture with Santa soon but I was hoping my parents could be there for it this year, since they’ve never seen him have it done yet.  I think it will go well when it comes to having him sit on Santa’s lap, because he seemed very comfortable with him today!  I don’t think we’ll get the picture done at that mall, although it’s tempting because that Santa really did seem like ‘the real Santa’!  Very genuine and jolly (but not over done)!

When we walked away, Andrew tucked his candy cane in his pocket and I really pumped up the experience and said, ‘I can’t believe YOU JUST MET SANTA CLAUS!!!’  He was so happy!  It totally made the trip to the mall worth it.  

We ended up going to The Body Shop for a diffuser oil I’ve been wanting to get (I love the Satsuma scent).  They had a deal on of buy however many and get so many free, so I decided to get some soaps, some for us and some for xmas.  Andrew picked some out, and then at the till he found another one that he loved so much he just sat there on the counter smelling it, saying, ‘Mmmm, this one’s mine!  I just love it!  Mmm, mmm, mmmmmm!’  It was so cute.  Then we went to the dollar store where I had promised to try to find something Halloween-ish because Andrew is STILL obsessing over Halloween.  In fact, the reason he was eager to go to the mall was because he wanted Halloween stickers!  I found 2 sheets of stickers all Halloween and was so pleased with myself handing them to him, only to have him shake his head and say, ‘No, I don’t want theeeese!  Put them back!’ and then he picked out some Christmas stickers instead.  I can never figure him out!!  He also got a few other things, including a craft kit for making a stocking thing (he’s really big on crafting lately, which is awesome!)  

We really didn’t do anything major, but it was fun nonetheless, and it felt good to be out and keeping busy.  It’s a small step maybe but a step in the right direction!  I still have my moments but I’m doing my absolute best at making an effort.  Not sure what’s in the cards for tomorrow, but Thursday is going to be a big day of activities, and Friday is my ‘me day’ this week so I’m going to attempt finishing Xmas shopping as much as possible.

If I could just get some decent sleep, I think I’d be doing relatively OK.  Maybe enough sleep would put the sadness more in check?  I’ll know once I get several hours in a row, but I’m trying to think positive that things are going to improve.  I think in some ways I don’t actually feel that way - the sadness has a way of creeping itself in each and every day - but I know the only way to break the cycle is to try to look at things differently and take a new approach, so that’s what I’m working on now.

I really don't get people sometimes...

I promise you my next post will be more upbeat.  I haven’t got my computer back yet, so I’m waiting till I get it to do a post with pictures about the fun we had at Disney on Ice this weekend!  My parents and I took Andrew to see Toy Story 3 on ice and it was awesome.  He absolutely LOVED it.  But more on that later...

I was in zombie mode today.  I’m doing my best to refrain from taking sleep-eze anymore, which has been my crutch pretty much for the past week and a bit.  When I got my period and therefore knew I wasn’t pregnant, I started taking it every single night because it really does help me to shut my brain down in order to fall asleep without horrific images entering my mind on a loop.  On Saturday night I didn’t take one, and even though I went to bed at about 12:45am, I didn’t fall asleep till almost 4.  I just tossed and turned and relived my nightmare over and over.  I tried to focus on other things, but my mind ALWAYS took it back to where I didn’t want it to go.

So last night I caved and took a pill again.  I read online that it’s believed to be safe (although some say it’s not) (it’s in the ‘B’ category for during pregnancy) but studies haven’t really been done to know anything for certain, so better to be safe and not take them at all than to be sorry because I did.  (No, I am not pregnant yet, but if I’m hoping to be in the relatively near future, I need to start living as though I already am).  So as of tonight I’m not taking them even if I can’t sleep at all.  I just have to learn to fall asleep unaided, and it’s going to be difficult, but I have to do it.  I would have had to do it eventually anyway, so this is just forcing me to take a healthier approach sooner than later.

I managed to get a lot done around the condo today chore-wise, while also spending tons of quality time with the boy.  I was just in a zombie-mind-state because I was SO TIRED.  I took the sleep-eze quite late last night so by the time I went to bed and then Andrew woke me up early, (not to mention twice in the night) I just didn’t get enough sleep for the grogginess to ever wear off.  So it felt like a difficult day to get through, not so much because I was emotionally in the depths, but because I was just so freakishly exhausted physically.  I think the tiredness I’ve been dealing with for a long time now has caught up to me, and I really do need a decent chunk of sleep all in a row.  I just don’t know when that’s actually going to happen.

Despite the exhaustion, I do feel I was productive enough today, and Andrew and I had a lot of fun together, which ultimately is the main thing.  I was feeling out-of-it, but otherwise OK-ish...Then we called my fil’s significant other to wish her a happy birthday and it all went downhill from there.

Toward the end of the phone call she asked how I was doing (she knew about the miscarriage) and I said I’m doing ok I guess, not great, been better, blah blah.  I said I just haven’t been sleeping well at all after what happened.  She proceeded to tell me, ‘Well, I know someone who was 80 pounds overweight and she had sleep trouble, too.  She started walking and lost a ton of weight and now she sleeps great!  So maybe you just need to start walking more.’

Ummm....WTF?!  She said she wasn’t saying I’m fat, but how else was I supposed to take that?

OK, certainly, yes, I could afford to lose a few pounds.  No one would call me ‘skinny.’  But obese is a stretch!  If I lost 80 pounds, I would be hospitalized for anorexia.  I was probably 100 lbs when I was like 10 or something.  And I was healthy then.  I do have a few extra pounds on me, I won’t deny it.  When I was pregnant with Andrew I actually gained close to 50 lbs during the pregnancy, and after losing the baby weight I was left with about 5-7 extra lbs on me that I didn’t have before.  (I say 5-7 because my weight seems to fluctuate between those weights).  I do know that if i worked out, as in went to the gym or did some serious exercise of some kind, I could lose that weight, but losing more than that would take REALLY SERIOUS effort I think, just because I’ve been around this weight for so long, and that was even when I did a TON of very fast walking A LOT, more than I do lately, which is not to say I don’t walk a lot lately, because I do.  I also play games like tag with the boy (and therefore run around, sometimes for a whole hour in a row racing around) and play on the playground with him when we’re out, I carry him often for long stretches when we’re out...No, I don’t go to the gym and yes I probably could benefit from doing that.  But I’m not planning on getting a membership any time soon because it’s not affordable and because I’m tired enough as it is, that’s just the way it is right now!

I shouldn’t have to defend myself here, honestly, it’s ridiculous, because I don’t think I’m even all that ‘over’ weight.  My miscarriage certainly had nothing to do with weight, if that’s what she was getting at, as no one said anything to the like, and the doctor knows what I weigh.  Plus, like I said, I pretty much weighed this much pre-Andrew, and obviously all went perfectly with him.  Not to mention bigger people obviously have healthy babies too!  GAWD.  I hate how I feel like I have to read so much into this.  But my mind is racing wondering what the fuck she was thinking saying that to me?!  How would YOU take it if someone said that to you?!

I make an effort every day to be active.  While I’ve definitely noticed that I tire more easily lately (probably due to insomnia issues mostly), I’m not one to just sit around all day.  Even if I’m not doing anything exciting, I like to putter about, so I’m generally moving around.  I don’t think I’m some sort of sloth.  I’ve never been a good sleeper, ever in my life.  I used to say goodnight to my parents and they’d turn out the light and close the door and I’d lay awake for hours with my mind racing, and I was 5 years old.  I often waited a while and if I couldn’t fall asleep, I’d turn my light back on and get up, play with my toys or colour or whatever and go to sleep when my mind finally shut off.  Perhaps I’m my own worst enemy, as I’ve had the motto for years that ‘I’ll sleep when I’m dead.’  I realize now that I’ll be dead sooner if I don’t start resting more, because ultimately the human body can’t go on no energy for all that long.  Not productively.  I want to be productive, and healthy, and happy.  And I know getting more sleep is something that will help me be all those things.  It’s not the be all and end all, but it’s a very good start.  But why the analogy of the obese woman losing ‘tons of weight’ and then being able to sleep better?  Sure I could lose a few pounds in my mid-section, maybe even my thighs.  But the weight I really need to lose is the crushing pain of the constant memory that my baby died!  Walking is healthy and good but it doesn’t change what my mind thinks.

I know she probably meant well and was just trying to suggest something that somehow made sense in her head, it just didn’t come across the way it probably should have.  I am in disbelief by it, truly.  I felt like a dead horse being flogged.  Haven’t I been through enough already?!  Why did I need that on top of it all?!

I was pretty sad about it after we hung up, and it has taken me several hours but maybe writing this out has healed that wound for me.  I won’t forget it, but I’m not going to let it stand in my way to working through things.  I can’t let anyone stand in my way at this point, I just have to learn to not really listen to what people are saying if it’s not what I need in that moment.  I think I just don’t understand people in general these days, and maybe I don’t want to!!

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I’m using James’ MacBook, and I have to be honest - I’m missing my PC!  I’m just so used to it, what can I say.  It feels like so much is opposite on the mac from what I’m used to, and I can’t seem to get the hang of scrolling properly on this thing.  

My laptop is in the shop, should be home (hopefully) by Monday or so.  It does this really annoying ‘Not Responding’ thing far too often, and for no apparent reason.  After putting up with it for pretty much the entire year I’ve had it, I finally got up the courage to be without it for a few days to have it fixed!

Last night I was talking to James about, yep you guessed it, the thing that happened to me that we shall not mention that I am mentioning anyway!  In the conversation, what I was trying to convey was my belief that maybe it’s a ‘good’ sign that I’m at least recognizing the main things about it that are causing me so much grief.  In my head it sounded like a positive thing, but once I got to talking about it I just ended up feeling really sad again.  However, as hard as it is to put it properly into words, I do think it’s maybe a step in the right direction that I can pinpoint my main issues with it?

The other day on Facebook a friend asked how I was doing, knowing what happened to me.  I messaged her back saying that its been a really rough time, that I just don’t understand why it happened to me, etc.  She responded, and I know she was trying to be nice so I didn’t take any offense to what she said or anything.  But her response was basically saying that there must have been a good reason why it didn’t work out, that there was probably a defect and it was better this way, blah blah.  She mentioned that another friend of hers went through a miscarriage last year and they were able to do a test on the baby and found a defect.  So...Yes, all very valid points, I won’t argue with that.  

I didn’t respond back, but the response in my head was along the lines of, ‘I ‘get’ the science around it, I know there was probably something wrong with the baby and it would have been much more challenging to have a high needs child.  But the clincher is, where your other friend had the chance to have tests done to find out a possible reason for the loss, I was robbed of that.’  It’s the baby being flushed away before I had the chance to act or react that I can’t let go of.

The other thing that’s eating away at me whenever I think about it is friends who are pregnant with their second children right now, and I am left sitting here wondering why they are where I am supposed to be, where I want to be, but I’m not.  What did I do wrong?  To me, this is the sort of thing that should be foolproof.  I know I’ve ‘only’ been pregnant twice, but it was so ‘easy’ for me to become pregnant!  I basically decided, ‘I want to have a baby’ and both times, essentially 2 weeks later I was pregnant.  I don’t seem to have any trouble conceiving.  So why did things end so poorly with my second, when it all went so perfectly the first time around?  The thing is, now I worry that I’ll never be able to have a baby again.  How can I know?  I just have to try again and hope for the best - but the problem is, I no longer have the faith in my body that I used to.  I had this very narrow, naive vision that unprotected sex=pregnant=healthy baby, nothing else to it.  Now I don’t even know what my cycle is or is going to be.  What if I don’t ovulate because my body’s all wonky?  Each month that goes by that I don’t get pregnant, I feel like it’s just going to get harder and harder for me to cope.

I know, I’m really only in the first month.  My cycle only just came back, and while it was somewhat of an abnormal period, it wasn’t really all that different than a normal one, when I think about it.  I don’t like that it started up on a different day of the week than what it did for years and years and years, but it wasn’t off by all that much.  I just wish I knew what was up with my body.  I wish I could KNOW if I will get pregnant soon, then I could just relax more and not feel so much pressure and worry and sadness.  Of course, I realize it’s like that with anything, for anyone - if only we could know important bits of our futures, we could all sit back and relax a little more!

I’m really trying not to obsess over this, but I can’t help it.  It also doesn’t help that yesterday Andrew, out of the blue, asked me when his little sister or brother was going to pop out of my belly.  He said, ‘I really want my sister, Mommy, when she gonna pop out?’  I had to remind him that the baby didn’t make it, that there is no baby in my belly anymore.  He flung himself down in a fetal position and started weeping, I’m not kidding.  A 2 year old - when I don’t think you’re supposed to ‘get’ death till around 7 or 8 or so?  He whimpered and said, ‘But I wanted it, Mommy!’  It took me back to the moments immediately following my baby being flushed down the toilet.  When I went to tell James what had happened, in front of a whole bunch of random strangers in the Emergency waiting room.  I started sobbing saying, ‘I wanted it, I wanted it.’  Luckily I was in a calm enough mood yesterday, I was able to talk to Andrew about it without becoming visibly upset.  I said, ‘I wanted it too, Sweetie, but it just wasn’t meant to be.  We’re going to try again though, it might just take a little longer than we’d planned.’  He nodded and said, ‘OK, next time, because I want a brother/sister!’  I wish he could know just how badly I want to be able to give him one.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Staying focused...

After playing phone tag since yesterday, I finally got a call back from the mental health services.  I did a 10 minute assessment over the phone, being asked to rate my anxiety levels etc.  One of the last questions was whether or not I’d be receptive to taking anti-depressants should a doctor suggest them to me. 

I said no.  I didn’t give a reason for why (I wasn’t asked that) but the main reason is of course because I want to get pregnant again soon, and if I can do that without being on a medication, that’s the best thing.  I’m also slightly terrified of becoming dependant on medication if I don’t have to.  I know that sometimes it’s necessary, and I certainly don’t think any less of anyone who takes medication.  I just personally want to try to go without, most especially for the sake of the healthy pregnancy I’m hoping to have in the near future…

Because I said no to medication, the nurse informed me that going for a psych consult probably isn’t in my best interest.  Basically, if I went to the appointment and was feeling as I am now, the doctor would recommend medication.  That’s all they would do.  So if I wasn’t receptive to taking it, I’d have just wasted my time (and theirs) by going to the appointment.  So to me, at least for the present time, that’s out.

She did recommend a ‘depression group’ which I was apprehensive about at first.  It sounds daunting, having to go and sit and be depressed with a bunch of other depressed people.  LOL  But she explained it more, and actually it isn’t a group where you sit around and talk about what you’re depressed about etc.  One of the things I mentioned to her is that I think right now I’m getting tired by the idea of having to start over from the beginning and explain my ‘story’ to yet another new person.  It feels like it’s doing more damage than good to have to start at the beginning over and over again.  It plays out in my mind enough, I don’t feel like explaining it to someone who doesn’t know it already.  She said this group meets and learns coping strategies, and each week you learn new ways of handling the depression and then you work on those methods as ‘assignments’ each week.  She explained it better than I just did, but it actually sounded really good to me.  If nothing else, it will teach me new ways to look at my ability to cope, so it can’t hurt.  Unfortunately the next group doesn’t start up for about 2 months – but that’s becoming the story of my life!  Everything is a waiting game when it comes to health care it seems.  I think it’s a good thing to know I have coming my way, and in the meantime I plan on working through this as best as I can in my own head.  I know some days (like yesterday…and the day before…) I have a really tough time, and sometimes I think I’m destined to feel sad forever.  But other times, like right now, I think there is hope that I can feel better.  I still feel the sadness, and I’m pretty sure there will always be sadness around this whole event for me, but over time I should be able to gain strength and get through it – Stop feeling like there is a dark cloud over me.

As she put it, at least I’m not suicidal or having thoughts of wanting to hurt others!!  Yes, it could definitely be a lot worse, it’s scary that it could be worse but I know it really, really could.

I want to start focusing more on what I’m grateful for, what I DO have to be happy about.  The most important thing being that I could say, ‘Yes’ when asked if I have good support, if I have people close to me who care about me.  I am very cared about, and I appreciate that SO MUCH that it’s beyond words.  It horrifies me that there are so many people who don’t have the support that I know I can count on.  I wish everyone had people in their lives they could turn to, it’s so important and it should be just a given that we all have that.

Anyway…I want to lift the dark cloud that I feel, but I also want to force the literal clouds out of my neighbourhood!  It is sooo stormy out there.  I ventured out in it and now I’m FREEZING.  Time for a hot bubble bath (another thing to be grateful for!) and then I’m going to prepare Andy’s advent calendar.  At least I don’t have to be out in the rain anymore today…Brrrr!  I think it’s a perfect day for a cozy evening fire =)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It's Christmas time in the city

My Photobook project arrived today, but I wasn’t home to receive the package so I’m going to pick it up tomorrow.  Fingers crossed it printed the way I’ve envisioned it!  I look forward to seeing the finished product and getting them wrapped and ready for Christmas.

Every single day now Andrew asks me, ‘Is it Christmas today?’  We decorated way too early, obviously!!  I keep having to tell him it’s not even December yet, so we’ve got a ways to go.  Tonight he asked me again but he was just being facetious, I could tell by the smile on his face.  He then added, ‘We’re getting closer to it?!’ 

Tomorrow I’m going to work on getting the Advent calendar ready.  I plan on making an advent calendar for next year, one we can use traditionally each year thereafter.  I was going to make one for this year, but then my plan was instead to make a blanket or something for the baby, like I did for Andrew while I was pregnant with him.  Thank gawd I hadn’t started on that before I lost the baby.  I was actually planning on going to Michael’s Craft Store later that week to pick something out. 

Back to the topic at hand though (see how easily I spiral downward?  It doesn’t take much).  I bought an advent calendar at IKEA for this year, and I say ‘for this year’ because I highly doubt it will stand the test of time…or, Andrew’s grabby fingers!!  It looks like a big carboard-y Santa so at first glance it looks like it would be sturdy.  But the little doors you open up to find a treat each day are just flimsy paper, so I don’t see it lasting with the way Andy will rip at them.  That’s OK though, it was only $12, and I think it will be fun just for this year.  I got an assortment of chocolates and little things to put behind each door.  It’ll be fun to see Andrew’s reaction to it, and interesting to find out if he’ll be able to stick to only opening one door per day!

I remember last year I got him a Toy Story advent calendar, the kind that cost about $2 and have the fakest, waxy chocolate on earth in them.  He saw it in the bag I had it in, so I thought it was harmless to just show him the box.  (It was probably a week before December when I bought it, if I recall correctly).  I got distracted for about 30 seconds, looked back, and saw that he had figured out all on his own what an advent calendar was about, and he had at least 5 chocolates all stuffed into his mouth at once.  Priceless!!  He’s even smarter this year, of course, so I’m going to have to watch him like a hawk (read: insist one door per day and then hide the calendar till the next day!)

I don’t know if I’ll stick to the tradition of the advent calendar equalling chocolate heaven.  When I was growing up, my mom had made a real cool advent calendar that had ribbons for each day.  Me and my brother took turns getting to remove a ribbon each day, and we loved that tradition.  So simple, and we never complained that there was no chocolate involved.  There is always plenty of chocolate around Christmas time without adding to it with an advent calendar full!  But this year I am indulging since I didn’t end up making something of my own…I really want to work on that for next year.

I’m trying to keep my mind busy and focused on other things.  It helps in the moment, but I always go back to you-know-what.  Still, I do think Christmas is a great thing to help me keep my mind on other things.  I know it’s still a month and two days away…but I’m going to start downloading…er, purchasing…Christmas shows that I think the boy will enjoy this year.  He enjoyed his first two Xmas’s, but this one is going to be the best yet.  He’s learning how to sing Jingle Bells and it’s the cutest thing ever!  Only, I ‘accidentally’ started singing a different version (Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, batmobile lost its wheel, and Joker got away!) and this morning I heard him singing that instead of the real version…lol  Oops!

One moment at a time

I need to focus reeeeeally hard and try to not be so depressed.  I just don’t know how to shut it off.  I feel like I shouldn’t write on here anymore if I can’t say anything happy…But I’m afraid I don’t know when I’d be up to writing again if that’s the case.  I sound so pathetic/dramatic and it’s getting on my own nerves so I can well imagine how it is to be reading it!

I am OK in individual moments, but I seriously have to take each day minute by minute.  It’s so annoying!  Andrew and I spent a bit of time at my mom’s this afternoon and did some crafts (he made a witch from a foam kit thing, painted, and worked on some colouring…including drawing all over himself!)  It was good to be out and I was able to pick up Andrew’s birthday stuff that got delivered the other day when we were out.  But by the time we got home and I was having to think of something to make for supper…I just felt myself crashing.

I’m fairly good at not showing the pain I’m in – it’s not like Andrew had any idea how I was feeling.  I don’t want his first memories of me to be ‘Mommy’s depressed all the time’ so I’m adamant that I’m not going to let it get the better of me.  But I’m just so…blah.

There was a message from some sort of mental services today so I have to call back tomorrow…I’m guessing it has to do with booking me a psych consult.  I’ll go to it because I feel like I’m supposed to, but ultimately – I just don’t see what anyone can do to help me.  Don’t I have to just try to get out of this myself?  I am going to refuse going on any type of medication if that’s what was suggested to me – I told my doctor that as well, that if going for this assessment means prescription drugs, I don’t want to do it, because I’m not taking anything.  First of all, I know all too well what being on all sorts of medications can do to a person, not from personal experience but from being directly related to someone with a lot of experience in that area.  I also don’t want to go on pills because I want to get pregnant.  My doctor said that while he does want me to see a gynaecologist for an overall exam just to be sure, he doesn’t suspect there is anything wrong with my body that would lead me to have another miscarriage.  He gave the green light to try again, so I want to.  Am I emotionally prepared?  How could I ever be?  I don’t think that’s possible.  So why wait?  I feel like if I don’t get pregnant sooner than later, I’m going to go totally mental.

OK, maybe it sounds like I already am…I’m serious when I say this experience has really done some bad things to me! 

Today for a split second I felt anger toward my baby that died, but that quickly turned into sadness because how could I possibly be mad at that baby?  I KNOW it wasn’t their fault either.  I just went temporarily insane and felt a hint of anger because if he or she hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be dealing with the stuff that I’m being forced to face right now, and yes, for a moment that made me feel angry.  I’m sorry about that though, because of course it’s obvious I loved that baby and just wish it could have survived.  I don’t blame them for this, I just wish there was an easy person or thing to blame.  Although even that wouldn’t change the situation…And that’s kind of why I don’t think anyone can help me when it comes right down to it.  James said that because I’m feeling so depressed – that’s why I’m thinking along the lines that nothing can change the way I feel, whereas in reality I have to work at feeling better and it can and will happen…That’s easy to say but I feel like I HAVE been trying but nothing changes what happened so how can anything change how I feel?

I hope something good comes along soon…Something good that doesn’t go away.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I am umbrellaless

Yesterday the counsellor told me that it can be helpful when I find myself thinking about my loss, to just make statements about it.  To say things like,

‘I lost my baby. 

My baby died. 

I never thought I would go through something so horrible as the loss of a child.

There is nothing worse than losing one’s own child.

I can’t believe how HORRIBLY I was treated at Royal Columbian Hospital.

I HATE Royal Columbian Hospital!

After going through what I did, I can’t believe how silent most people are about miscarriage. 

I want to shout out to the whole world that it happened to me!

I will never get over the loss of my 11 week gestated baby.

My baby was REAL, my baby was not ‘just’ a fetus.

I can’t believe I have given birth to two babies, but I only have one child.

I never in a million years thought this would be my life.’

I don’t know if I went about that right, because honestly, it doesn’t seem to help me.  I ‘get’ the idea that making statements as plain ol’ facts can be helpful, because ultimately it’s confirming what happened but in a general sense.  Not in a woe is me don’t I ever feel like shit sort of way.  But woe IS me and DO I EVER FEEL LIKE SHIT!

I can’t help it, sorry.  I’m working on it, truly I am!  It’s boggling my mind how unable I seem to be to push past this.  It’s like this giant depression cloud is raining on me and I can’t escape it.

A very dark cloud

I had a really rough day emotionally today.  No day has been ‘easy’ since ‘it’ happened, but some days are a lot worse than others.  Today was definitely one of ‘those’ days.

I don’t even know why it happens that way.  Maybe my mind has still been working at processing the counselling appointment from yesterday.  I don’t know exactly what it is.  Well, I DO know exactly what it is…but you know what I mean.  It’s always ‘there’, so why is it sometimes so much harder to bear?

I found out last night that someone I know who has a child not much younger than Andrew is expecting again.  Maybe that has been bothering me a little bit?  It’s not that I’m not happy for them, because I am…I just have no control over the fact that it breaks my heart a little to know that they are having their second baby before we’ll be having another healthy child.  I want to just be happy for them, but I can’t help but also feel sorry for myself, because they’ll have their baby with the age difference that I wanted between Andrew and his sibling.  It just doesn’t seem fair to me, AT ALL.

I really worry about the whole getting pregnant again thing.  Will it happen soon?  Will it go the way it’s supposed to this time around?  I had my period for almost 5 days and then it stopped completely, and then yesterday it came back again full force and today nothing.  That’s not what I’m used to as ‘normal.’  But I have no sense of normal anymore, and I feel like my body and my emotions are separate entities right now, if that makes sense – because I emotionally feel like my body has totally let me down, and in some ways I want nothing to do with it.

I just want my baby.  I know I can’t have my second baby back, and it makes me sad, but I just want another healthy child.  Is that really so much to ask?  I want to have my two kids and be in the thick of raising them and be enjoying every minute.  I do enjoy many of my minutes (and hours, and days) with Andrew, but I waste a lot of time in my head just feeling sad and depressed and MISERABLE because of the loss.  I just don’t know how to look into the future anymore.  I’m almost afraid to.  Nothing is for certain, I feel like there is zero stability and that scares the living daylights out of me.  I want to go back to knowing not EVERYTHING is for sure, but that some things ARE.  Maybe sometimes ignorance CAN be bliss, and I really, really wish I could be ignorant to THIS…

The urge to purge

I know I go through phases where I say this, but I really feel like getting rid of a lot of stuff.  The problem is that even though I have the urge to purge, actually doing it is a whole other story.  I need someone to go through everything with me and kindly but firmly tell me to part with this or that and make it hard for me to say no!

I love everything I have, but I know there’s a lot that I really don’t need.  Sure, I’d keep certain things for sentimental reasons, even if they’re impractical.  But, for example, I HATE how cluttered our closets are.  We have far more storage space here than in our last 2 apartments, and yet I managed to fill it all up – how does that happen?!  Although I just remembered that a big reason for that is my parents’ move and me ‘inheriting’ all the stuff I’d left in my old room in Nanaimo, as well as a lot of their stuff that they were getting rid of…

For good reason, I feel the need to scale back.  I also feel right now that while sure I can find importance in every little thing, most of it doesn’t matter much at all when it comes right down to it.

When I was helping sort through everything in the house in Nanaimo for the big move, I got rid of some of my childhood things that I never imagined getting rid of.  I think about those items from time to time, but it doesn’t really bother me that I gave them up.  Sometimes it’s just time to let go, and ultimately it’s just ‘stuff.’  It just adds to the clutter, and clutter is something I don’t need or like!

I want there to be space in the closets.  I want everything to look well organized.  I feel like I always have the best of intentions to have things looking so nice, but it always seems to fall apart.  I mean, our place is CLEAN, but some of the nooks and crannies just don’t feel tidy enough.  I need to remedy that.  But I need HELP!  It’s hard to convince James to help me with these projects because he just sort of rolls his eyes like, ‘Here we go again!’ because I’m on one of my tangents of wanting to change things up.  I guess I can’t blame him, since it’s not really on his radar to care about that sort of thing.  I need something along the lines of a ‘Clean Sweep’ crew to come in and take it all on for me!  I would love for designers to come in and see the way I organize things and offer me more appealing solutions. 

I think cleanliness, or a desire for neatness, is actually a bit of a problem for me.  It sometimes prevents me from being able to fully relax.  I always feel like there’s more I need to be doing to keep on top of it all.  Is it actually possible to get everything totally under control and ALWAYS keep it that way?!

Power outage

It got so stormy here last night that the power went off at around 4 in the morning.

We all noticed it right away – even Andrew – because the fan suddenly shut off.  I don’t sleep well at the best of times, but I don’t sleep much at all without a fan for the white noise.  It helps drown out the sound of the guy upstairs walking around, and drowns out any other noises.  It was so quiet without the fan, and yet so noisy – we could hear the wind blowing through the trees, the rain pelting down and dripping from the drains outside, and, of course, the neighbour upstairs walking around his condo (yes, he was up at 4 in the morning, and no, that’s not at all unusual).

It took me at least an hour to fall asleep, and I kept waking up because of the lack of fan.  I woke up at 7:15 and woke James up, because that’s when he should have been leaving for work.  Luckily it’s OK if he’s late – although he has to make up the time if he wants to get paid for it.  Andrew and I slept in a bit, thank goodness -  I was worried he was going to want to get up early and I’d be dead tired from lack of sleep, but it worked out OK.  We woke up around 9 and laid in bed for a while and I tried to explain to him about electricity and how ours was out.  He threw a little tantrum when he found out the TV wasn’t working!  LOL  He said, ‘But I want to watch a shoooooow!’  I reminded him that my computer could work for a few hours on battery, but we couldn’t watch anything from the internet so it would have to be a dvd.  It’s so funny (maybe also a tad scary) how dependent even a 2 year old is on electricity!!  He wanted the Christmas tree lights on and I told him it wasn’t possible but he said, ‘I could try!’  Of course he flicked the switch and nothing happened.

Then he said, ‘But the WINDOWS aren’t broken!’  I agreed, and said they don’t need electricity! 

I found myself wanting a cup of coffee, wanting to make a hot breakfast, and I desperately needed to wash and dry my hair!

I honestly don’t know how people live without electricity.  I feel like it’s my best friend, and when it goes out it’s my greatest enemy! 

It was getting really cold and I was beginning to think we would have to light a fire in the fireplace soon.  We had sweaters on and Andrew had his Woody boot slippers on and his teeth were chattering (although partly I think he was doing that on purpose because I TOLD him it was cold!)  Then around 10:00 I realized that the lights in the hallway were back on.  Yay, we have power!

I was happy to wash my hair and dry it as per usual, make my coffee, and get some porridge made for our breakfast.  But part of me thinks it would have been fun if the power stayed off a little longer, so we could have built that fire in the fireplace, cozied up, and maybe told some stories till we had power again.  Not that we can’t do that anyway. But once we knew we could turn up the heat and put the lights on, it was just too ‘easy’ to do that!

It’s frightening just how hooked we are on power.  I don’t know how to go without.  I need my fan through the night, I like my alarm clock to display the time so I know where I’m at each time I wake up.  I like having the lights on in the bathroom while I put my contacts in in the morning, and I like the heat to be on before I get up so it’s warmed up for me!  I’m accustomed to so many things that require electricity that I feel kind of lost when I know it’s not right at my fingertips at all times.  I can’t help but take it for granted when it’s working!

Monday, November 21, 2011

First session

I’m really exhausted after seeing the counsellor today, and for a change I think I don’t feel like talking about it!  It was a great appointment, I felt really comfortable with her right away and I do think she can help guide me toward feeling better.  I just need to process it more.  It made me feel soooo tired, it’s crazy how exhausted I am just from talking to someone for an hour and a bit!  But I guess it’s just the emotions, it’s tiring.

It felt good to have my feelings validated.  She said she thinks it’s post traumatic stress I’m dealing with, because I have trigger moments where I’m just suddenly in that moment all over again.  Very strong sudden flashbacks.  I guess it helps to know that’s what I’m dealing with, and that it’s because of not just the trauma of having a miscarriage, but in how I was treated (or, not treated) at the hospital.  If I’d been shown more care and compassion, she said it’s quite possible I would be grieving the loss but I wouldn’t be plagued by how badly it all played out, when ultimately it didn’t necessarily have to be that way.

I would like to see her again, but I have to think about it because it’s a lot of money that we don’t really have to spend.  We would basically have to go further into debt than we already are in order for me to go regularly, and that stresses me out, which is counter-productive to my healing.  Maybe I will wait several weeks and go again…We’ll see.  I have an appointment for next week so I have to decide soon if it’s manageable or not.

I think that’s all I will say about it, at least for now.  I feel very much in-my-own-head at the moment.  I have so much I have to deal with, and I’m feeling overwhelmed.  But I do feel good about having gone for this appointment, I know it will prove to be good for me once my head calms down a bit from it all.

So much on my mind

It seems there are so many hard things one goes through during/after a miscarriage.  Even weeks and weeks later.  Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since I lost my baby, and yet I still face different stages of grief every day.

Usually it’s depression.  I just feel so sad for the loss of my baby, that all I want to do is talk about it, because ultimately it’s often all that’s on my mind.  I try to break this cycle by thinking about Andrew, since he makes me feel so happy.  I was having a bubble bath the other night, which is supposed to be a relaxing experience, but somehow my mind drifted toward the baby and how everything played out and I was so beside myself.  I realized suddenly that I was practically holding my breath and was tense and feeling anxious.  I quickly forced myself to stop thinking about it, and instead I could hear Andrew saying funny things in my head.  One of my current faves is how he likes to get inside a fort that we make in the living room, and then I have to ‘knock’ at the door to the fort with one of his toys.  He says, ‘Who’s there?’ in the cutest way possible, and then I hand him the toy and we keep this up till his fort is filled with all his stuffed animals.  I smile when I think about things like that, because he is just too cute for words.

Other times I will find myself bargaining, even though it’s ridiculous.  Call me crazy, because it probably is, but last night I found myself talking out loud saying, ‘I’d do just about anything to have you back, baby.’  I don’t usually talk out loud to the baby (!)  I’d like to think I’m not *that* far gone.  Though it’s probably normal when grieving, and I wouldn’t really judge anyone for doing it, because as I know from this experience, you really never know how something is going to affect you till it’s happening.

Denial is probably the worst stage of all.  Even 6 week post-miscarriage, I will think to myself, ‘I’m still pregnant.’  The brain (and body) can play nasty tricks on a person sometimes.  I will feel a twinge in what feels like my uterus or belly or thereabouts and think, maybe they missed something – the didn’t see the baby in me that came out – maybe there’s another one!  Ridiculous and practically psycho, I know.  It’s probably because I wanted to be pregnant so badly, wanted that baby so much, I just don’t want to accept that it isn’t there.  Even though I KNOW IT ISN’T THERE because I saw it get flushed away.  Don’t even get me started back on THAT topic, because it’s killing me bit by bit every time I think about it.  (Yes, I will be talking about that with my counsellor today!)

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  I guess I’ve also had some anger, but even though, yes, I DO often think WHY WHY WHY, WHY ME, WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN, FML!  I’m not USUALLY angry about it.  I tend to turn my anger into more sadness instead. 

The moment the baby came out of my body, I am very sad (it causes some guilt, maybe) to say that my body felt an intense sense of relief.  That’s one of the reason I got up immediately and looked in the toilet to see if there was a baby, even though the doctors had said there wouldn’t be.  I ‘knew’ in that moment that it was ‘over’ because something sizeable came out and then the contractions suddenly stopped.  Sure enough, there was my baby.  The labour was over, I had delivered my 3 inch dead fetus.  That part might have been over, but it felt like the nightmare really began in that moment for me.

While I was going through the miscarriage, the contractions getting closer together, the crazy amount of blood that was coming out…I recall saying to James, ‘I just need it to come out now, I have to get this over with, I can’t keep feeling this much pain.’  It hurts when I think about having said that, like I was just giving up on the baby at that point.  But let’s face it, I KNEW what was happening, it wasn’t something I could do anything about.  It HAD to come out, there was no other way around it.  It was hurting me so much physically that I knew what I had to do.

I just wish I had been given some heads up on how it might play out, or given some options for how I could choose to go about it.  I hate having regrets and usually try so hard not to regret anything, but I totally regret having my miscarriage on a toilet, particularly a self-flushing one.  I don’t think I will ever stop being haunted by that, ever in my entire life.  I want to be able to move forward and not lay awake every single night thinking about it, but no amount of counselling could ever stop that memory from existing in my mind, and I really can only be haunted by it.  I can’t see it in a good light.  I wish someone had told me I could do it differently.

While in those hours of going through a labour I said I needed to ‘get it over with’, that is about as far as I have come in terms of accepting the loss of my baby.  I had to accept what was happening to me in that moment…but at this point I can’t accept it as OK that it happened to me.  I don’t know what to think of it, 6 weeks after the fact.  I honestly think about it so much that it feels like it just happened.  How could 6 weeks have gone by already?  How is it that I am not pregnant when I should be 17 weeks now?  SEVENTEEN WEEKS.  My baby would be kicking me by now.  My baby should be thriving, just as Andrew did.  I should be complaining because I can’t sleep at night due to the baby hiccupping inside me the way Andrew did when he was in the womb.  I should be filling out my maternity clothes and eating for two.  Some nights maybe I do eat for two, but it’s called emotional eating, since there is just one (me) in this body.

I know, I know, I have to stop going on about it.  I should just try to push it away when it comes to the front of my mind.  But I can’t bring myself to do that for some reason.  Hence the reason I need therapy…I just find it shocking how this has affected me and how it’s sticking to me, nagging at me.  I’m usually so good at compartmentalizing things.  I know I should probably consider myself ‘lucky’ if this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, but I can’t seem to help but feel a little sorry for myself.  It’s all relative right?  I know it could be worse, but that scares me even more because how could I feel worse?  I don’t ever want to feel worse.

I wish life didn’t have to be so hard sometimes.

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Andrew is sleeping over at my parents’ place tonight.  I just remembered he’s not actually asleep in his bed right now!  I’m so used to him being so close by.  I’m hoping to get somewhat of a decent sleep tonight, though the insomnia was terrible last night so I’m not holding my breath.  Also, I just remembered a few hours ago that my counselling appointment was bumped up to tomorrow…EEEEK!!!!  I am totally freaking out about it.  Which I know is ridiculous.  I booked the appointment of my own free will.  I am ‘willingly’ parting with $125 smackers for an hour long session.  Which seems crazy.  But if I wasn’t crazy, I wouldn’t be needing the help, so….  Ha!

I don’t even want to get into the anxiety I’m feeling around the appointment tomorrow.  Suffice it to say, I am a bit of a wreck, even though I know I’ll feel better once I get the ball rolling on this.  I just have anxiety around starting over talking about the whole thing.

I know I need to though.  Case in point: this morning my parents drove me out to a place in New West to get more firewood, and we happened to drive past Royal Columbian Hospital.  When I realized where we were, and saw the sign pointing toward Emergency, I had to look away.  I felt like I could barely breathe for a moment, I had to just try to think about something else.  It was pretty hard for me to be even remotely close to that place again.  I hope I never have to step foot inside those doors ever again in my life.

In other news, I scored a MAJOR deal on the firewood today.  I don’t know if the woman was feeling generous or what, but it cost $20 to pretty much fill the entire trunk of my parents’ car, and their car has a pretty big trunk.  Score!  I was so pleased about it.  I LOVE our fire place and knowing that we have a good amount – and can easily get more without it costing a fortune – pleases me to no end.  Seriously, I am somewhat obsessed with our fireplace (although I have been good about rationing the wood to SOME degree…maybe, sorta, kinda, a little bit!! 

That’s all I’ve got for right now…Check back after my appointment tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say then.  I kind of already spent tonight talking James’ ear off about, once again, the same issue that’s always on my mind.  He’s such a good sport about it, thankfully.  I hope the counsellor can help me figure out how to come to terms with what happened, so at least I can focus on other things for longer than 5 minutes.  It will be 6 weeks on Tuesday and it still feels like it just happened yesterday…

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Eternally Loved

Even though I lost my baby before I ever got the chance to hold him or her in my arms, I felt this overwhelming sense of having lost a real child as soon as it happened.  I guess because the baby had been growing inside of me, I always knew they were with me, and I could touch my belly as a means of affection.  With the baby no longer there, I still felt a strong urge to reach out to them in some way – but how?  What would make sense as ‘something to hold onto’ with regards to a baby that I never even got the chance to know?

It was something that I found very difficult, in particular during those first few days/weeks after the loss.  I desperately longed for the baby that was no longer there, and I NEEDED something to hold onto.  I knew that I not only wanted, but NEEDED something that could symbolize the baby for me.

Some people suggested planting a tree, and this is an idea I still really like and perhaps next spring or summer (or whenever the best time is to plant a tree?!) I would still consider this as an option.  The difficulty I have with it is that I honestly don’t have anyone close to me who has a yard, as crazy as that might sound.  And while we DO currently have a yard space, we’re renting and probably won’t live here longer than a couple more years at most.  (Even though I love it here so much, it won’t be practical if we DO ever have another child…and besides that, our landlord might decide to sell and then we’d have no choice but to move).  I don’t want to plant a very important tree that is symbolizing my lost child in a yard that one day will belong to someone else, at least not for a very long time.  I’d want it to be in a place where I could visit it, but I don’t think you can just randomly plant a tree wherever you feel like it!

I ended up looking up ideas online, and I gravitated toward the idea of getting a necklace to wear.  The idea being that I could wear the necklace as a symbol of the baby, and when I’m thinking about them or just need something to hold onto, I can touch it.  I also liked the idea that it’s something that can always be with me.  Of course, there might be times when I choose not to wear it because I’m wearing something else or whatever – it doesn’t mean that I’m not wanting to be close to my baby when that happens, of course!  But it just felt like the right choice for something to find some comfort in.

I went online and ended up finding the perfect necklace on an Etsy site called The Whimsy.   The necklace is meant to be a remembrance of a lost child, and in fact was made by the artist after she lost her son Jack at just 9 weeks old.  I loved how it is interpreted as two arms protecting something precious.  Like a mother’s arms, forever wrapped around her baby.
 Picture borrowed from TheWhimsy website - the necklace I got has a different gemstone in the middle, but this gives an idea.
I had my choice of any birthstone for the gemstone in the middle.  I never got the chance to find out if our due date was in April or May, so I didn’t know which month to choose.  I ended up going with the birthstone for October, since ultimately my baby was born in that month.  Essentially, while I don’t ever see myself ‘celebrating’ it, I will forever remember October 11th as my second child’s ‘birthday.’  I will grieve it rather than celebrate it, but I certainly will never forget it. 

The October birthstone is Opal, and with this particular gemstone it shows as a very, very light pink colour.  Against my skin, you’d never know there is a pinkish hue to it, it shows as almost clear.  I absolutely love it, and while it certainly doesn’t make me long for my baby any less, it does lend me some amount of comfort.  I do love knowing, even if most people think it’s ‘just’ a necklace, that it’s something that for me helps keep my baby’s spirit close.  I just needed something to hold onto, to have with me, and I couldn’t have picked a better necklace than this one.  I also like that part of the proceeds goes toward a Children’s Hospital.

I would definitely recommend TheWhimsy to others, not just for the Eternally Loved necklace, but all of her pieces are really, really beautiful.

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