Thursday, October 20, 2011

Wake up and Say Goodbye


I’ve had a bit of a tough time choosing music to listen to this past week.  Mainly, I didn’t want to end up associating an album I love with this particular time in my life and have it ruined for me. 

Today when I decided to do a major clean of the kitchen (including taking everything off the counters, wiping down, and rearranging a little bit), I chose David Usher’s Wake Up and Say Goodbye.  I wanted to listen to his music, but was a little hesitant at first.  That particular album was one I listened to A LOT while I was pregnant with Andrew.  We went to his concert at the Commodore and I swear that Andy was dancing to the music inside my belly!  He loved David Usher once he was born, too, so I’m pretty sure he heard the music and liked it since before day 1. 

In a way I found it comforting to listen to the cd, and have some happy memories from my first pregnancy at the forefront for a change.  I want to think about happier things, though my mind always seems to drift back to my little angel Baby#2.

I guess even though it was for a very short time – not the entire rest of my life like I was imagining – I can say positively that I’m glad I got to have my baby with me for the time that I did.  I do wish this had never happened, and that instead I was still pregnant and looking forward to my little son or daughter being born in about 6 months time.  But…I feel as though it would be wrong for me to say that I wish I’d never got pregnant with them at all.  Even for how dreadfully painful this process of loss is, I wouldn’t want the love I have for that little being to not exist at all.

I’m beginning to think I no longer believe in the idea that ‘everything happens for a reason.’  But I do believe that my baby would want me to have strength and to still have happy moments and find things to look forward to in my life.  If my baby was going to develop further to have some sort of horrendous mental or physical problem, then that would have not been a good life to enter into.  My little baby and my body decided that it wouldn’t be a good thing to carry on.  It doesn’t seem fair, it doesn’t seem right, I don’t like it one bit.  But it would have been much harder to birth a full term baby riddled with problems, or a baby who might not survive for long after full term birth.  This, what I am going through now, is undeniably painful and awful, but it could have been so much worse.  My heart goes out to those who have lost babies further along, or after birth.  I can only try to imagine the severity of that loss.

It’s hard to say I’m ‘thankful’ that this happened when it did, though I know it’s better of to have happened sooner than later, if it had to at all.  I still feel like I need to feel sad and grieve, feel sorry for myself and my little baby, to wonder why the world has to be so cruel.  But I also want to work on feeling better so I can be the best mom to Andrew as I possibly can, and so I can focus on the love I have for my baby who died, in a positive light somehow.  I don’t want my baby’s 11 week gestation to have been in vain!  I can’t even say their short little life, because ultimately it wasn’t much of a ‘life’ that they had – though I do very much feel that my baby WAS a person already, just a little itsy bitsy tiny (I’m positive he or she would have been adorable) one.

I want to say that my baby taught me something about compassion, and love.  I’ve always felt like I AM a loving and compassionate person, for example my love for animals extends to the point I became a vegetarian because I couldn’t stand the idea of them being slaughtered to be eaten or worn.  (No, I don’t wear leather, either!)  When I was little, around 6 or 7, I used to write little poems about my friends and it was all about how much I liked and loved them.  I’ve always felt an intense need, not just desire, to make sure the people I care about the most know how much they mean to me.  I think my love and compassion ran deep before this happened to me.  So it has been confusing me as to why this would be some sort of a life’s lesson I needed…although I don’t even know why I approach it that way, since I just finished saying I’m not sure that everything in this world happens for a reason…In fact, maybe nothing does.  I feel like I’m questioning everything these days.

But my baby DID teach me about love and compassion in ways that I maybe hadn’t been aware of it before, and while right now it’s all very painful, I do believe that I will carry this with me throughout my life, and it should make me a better person than I was before I went through this.  I feel more apt to reach out to others, especially if I know they are hurting, and I might have more wisdom when it comes to what to say, or how to help.  Maybe that’s something that my baby taught me?  Work with me here, I’m really trying hard to stay focused on the positives!  It’s not easy for me right now, but I think even attempting it is a good sign?!

I think that maybe my ultimate fear about this particular situation is that those around me are just going to forget that I had my second child already – I really will be the only one who will think about my little baby who no one else saw, and I will be the only one who, for example, will think of October 11th as their birthday forever now.  I think of myself as having birthed two children, whereas other people will look at it as I have a son, and I had a miscarriage.  I think it’s normal and natural for people to react that way, but it hurts me inside so much.  I don’t want life to just go on ‘as per usual’ because it’s not usual anymore.  It’s not the same.  And even though I do plan on working through this, getting myself out of this hole I feel I’m in right now, I don’t plan on pretending like I was never in it.  I don’t want my little baby to be invisible.  That’s what I probably have to work on the most, is coming to terms with the fact that when it comes right down to it, I’m the only one who’s going to see it the way I do.  I foresee myself on the inside being much more sensitive, but having to build a stronger wall up around me in order to face the future.

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