Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Time...

I got my hair done today, and I decided to go for a ‘new look’.  My hair was ‘finally’ getting long, but all it did was make me feel like I was being strangled.  I think I like the idea of having long hair, but in reality I don’t enjoy the way it feels and once it reaches a certain point on me, I’m too tempted to just put it in a ponytail.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a picture of it for your viewing pleasure – ha! – we’ll see!  It’s just past my shoulders, much darker with lots of red and subtle plum coloured highlights.  Apparently the plum will become more noticeable as it washes out a little bit.  It feels so much better and even though it’ll take some getting used to because it’s quite a difference, it feels like a nice change.  I love how much lighter it is!

Since my hairdresser is downtown, I met up with James after work and we shared a meal at Earl’s.  We didn’t want to be spending too much given we just went on a somewhat more lavish date the other night.  It’s interesting how different I can feel from one day – or minute, even – from the next…I was feeling quite sad inside when we were out tonight.  I didn’t let on to James, not that I didn’t talk about it once we were home (after having a bit of a visit at my parents’ place since the boy spent the afternoon/early evening with them) but…I didn’t want to make our evening all about what’s going on in my head, even though I know it’s OK for me to just be honest about it.  It was nice to have a conversation about other things at the restaurant, I’m not saying I didn’t have even an OK time…I just really felt the presence of my sadness throughout it.

James mentioned when we met up that he was listening to some music at work today and he started feeling emotional listening to the lyrics of the song.  I asked what about and he said it was making him think about Andrew and all the things he’ll do as he grows up.  I think hearing him say that made ME feel emotional, because it made me think, why were you thinking about Andrew and not the baby?  I didn’t say that to him because what’s the point of starting something…I know that while James feels sad for me about what happened, he doesn’t really understand the sadness I feel for the actual baby because he doesn’t seem to consider it the same way I do.  So of course he wouldn’t be thinking about how truly sad it is that the baby will never have a chance to go through any life stages.  I know I feel sad about that!  OF COURSE I get being sentimental about Andrew and his life, I am VERY sentimental about him, and often!  But…right now I can’t focus on much else but that darn little baby, so what can I say.  I just find it strange, I guess, that it’s only on the forefront of MY brain…but again, that’s something that I’ve got to somehow learn to deal with.

I really am doing a bit better, I have been smiling again, and not just forced smiles.  And occasionally I have a bit of energy and have been doing a little bit more throughout the day than I was there for a while.  But I still get overcome with sadness more often than I would like, and when I get to thinking about what happened…I just cringe because I don’t know how to compartmentalize it.  Sometimes I think about it and force the thought to be more distant in my mind, so even though I’m thinking about it I don’t let it affect me through tears or whatever.  But I’m more tense because of it.  I had REALLY sore shoulders and my neck was all stiff yesterday, to the point I could barely move my head.  I finally figured out what it must have been – I am positive it’s because I was so tense before and during my doctor’s appointment the other day, that my body was paying for it yesterday.  I know I need to relax and take care of myself, but I also don’t really know what that means – how am I supposed to do that, really?  When I feel like a part of me is missing?

I know I will get through this because there is no other option.  But it’s so hard!

It did feel good to get out today, even if the sadness was heavy, and I had some good chats with my hairdresser, who I always enjoy catching up with.  It also feels really good to have my hair cut – and my bangs SHORT and actually straight since I always butcher them when I do them myself.  So all’s good in hair land…I just wish I could figure everything out INSIDE my head!

In the meantime, I just took 1 ½ sleeping pills in hopes of being knocked out in the not so distant future.  Even for all the times in my life where I have abused something like Gravol for the sleep-effect it can give, I have never felt so inclined to just medicate myself to try to numb myself.  I take back all the times in my life before this where I said I was ‘depressed’ because I so wasn’t, and now, unfortunately, I know it.

Woe is me, I know, this is getting soooooo old.  Trust me, I’m not enjoying it!  It will get better in time…so I guess right now I’m just waiting for it to go by…

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