I was doing ‘okay’ today, not great but alright, and then all of a sudden around 3-4pm it started to feel as if the whole world was crumbling around me. I can’t say ‘I don’t know what happened’ since obviously I KNOW what the pain is ABOUT…but it just comes out of nowhere sometimes. I didn’t think I was consciously ‘thinking about it’ – I had just booked tickets to take Andrew to Toy Story 3 Disney on Ice next month and he was excited about it, so I should have been happy in that particular moment…But it seemed like I bought the tickets, shut the lid on my computer, and this tidal wave of depression smacked me in the face and just floored me.
Not to say I started crying or anything, I actually think I did a decent job of hiding how I was feeling from Andrew. He was a really good boy for me in general today so it’s not like it took a ton of effort, but I made sure to stay really patient with him and did my best to focus on the games we were playing. It’s just so hard when that feeling hits in full force. It’s always there a little bit, but when it starts nagging at me I get so overwhelmed. I texted James to give him the heads up – at that moment it felt almost as if I was having a panic attack, but I was at least able to internalize it since obviously I don’t want to scare Andrew with the way I’m feeling.
I hope the doctor calls soon with word of an appointment with a counsellor. That’s one of the frustrating aspects of this – great that my doctor will look into finding someone for me, but I can’t count on it happening when I actually need it the most. I would be surprised if I get in to see someone within the next several weeks – what I am supposed to do in the meantime, I’m not quite sure.
And so I continue to write, write, write about it! I do have a few friends I’ve been talking to about it, and it helps but…the strong feelings I have don’t budge. I know it’s not an option, but I’m telling you, there is VERY little that I would not do in order to have my baby back.
I feel as if almost everything is a trigger for me, it’s as if my brain is so tuned toward it that it can make anything remind me. I don’t know what to do with myself. Some days have been a bit better than others, but no day has been a truly ‘good’ day since it happened. I’m so tired and while I don’t want to forget my baby, I just want this horrible feeling to go away. I feel desperate and I hate that. I hate being so negative like this, but it’s so hard not to be right now. Time always seems to go by so fast to me, but right now it’s at a snail’s pace and I’m sick of it.