This is a nightmare

It’s hard to put into words right now what’s happening.  Part of me doesn’t even want to acknowledge it in writing, but another part of me feels like I have to.

I actually don’t know for sure what’s exactly happening, but I do know that no matter how I look at it, it’s not very good.  Of course, there are far better outcomes than others, and I do want to focus on the positive.

As I’ve mentioned a couple of times, I’ve had a bit of spotting during my pregnancy so far.  Very minor – I am going to be a bit graphic in this post though, not too much, but still, if it bothers you to hear about bleeding at all I suggest stopping here.

It started off a few weeks ago a brownish colour, a very miniscule amount, then occasionally pink, but only when I wiped after going to the bathroom.  It freaked me out but my midwife assured me it’s ‘normal’ and not to be overly concerned about unless it got way worse.  Well, between yesterday and today it got a lot worse.  Not just brownish or pink, but bright red.  Sometimes with little blood clots and when I went to the bathroom, by afternoon a few drops of blood would come out while I was peeing, which had never happened before.  Usually it would get better and often go away completely, but over the past day and a bit, it has got progressively worse.  So this afternoon James and I decided it would be best to go to the hospital, hopefully get an ultrasound, and get peace of mind.

My parents (thank gawd for my parents and them living closer to us, in a situation like this I have no idea how I’d have managed without their help) came over and my mom stayed with Andrew while my dad drove James and me to the hospital.  It was a shock for them as I hadn’t mentioned the spotting to them – I figured why worry them when it was so common and apparently ‘nothing to worry about’, right?  So I felt bad suddenly throwing that at them, but at the same time obviously they want to be there for us. 

It took hours of waiting before we finally saw a doctor.  Probably over 3 hours, maybe 4.  They took me to a room after about an hour and a half of waiting and told me to put a gown on and wait on the gurney in the room, but it was another hour and a half or so before someone came in to see us.  The hospital doesn’t do ultrasounds in the evening (lamest thing ever to learn when you’ve been waiting hours in the hopes of getting one) so they took a urine test but that was it.  Then the doctor said that while he’s not an ultrasound technician, there is an ‘older’ machine he can work with to some degree and he wanted to do that u/s just to see if he could figure out what’s going on.  I got blood work done, and had to drink 6 cups of water to get my bladder full for the u/s again, since I’d peed already for the urine test and emptied my bladder.  It felt like time was going by soooo slooowwww.  It was awful.

The u/s was also awful.  The doctor assured me that it’s an older machine and different vantage point than the machines we’d be used to from our u/s’s with Andrew.  But even though I didn’t really know what was happening, it just felt like something wasn’t quite right.  On this image, he could see a gestational sac, but he was not seeing a baby.  He said he couldn’t say anything further because ultimately it’s an old machine, not as accurate, and he’s not an actual u/s tech.  It sort of made me wonder why we tried it at all, since ultimately it just caused me more stress and worry but with no definitive answer on anything.  As he put it, it’s quite possible I’ll get a proper u/s tomorrow and everything will show normal.  But there is a 50% chance I am losing the baby.

Just writing that down, I feel like I can’t breathe properly.  I never cry in front of people EVER but I was a bit of a wreck with all of this going on.  I had a pelvic exam also and it showed I am bleeding from inside my cervix.  The bleeding is ‘substantial’ the doctor said, and I agree – it IS.  It makes it difficult for me to think positively because why would I be bleeding with clotting as well if everything was a-ok?  In fact, he said that while I very well may go on to have a successful pregnancy (again, 50% chance at this point, based on what little we know), there is still cause for concern.  Maybe the placenta has placed itself right on top of my cervix, for example.  In which case, I would imagine that’s a very high risk pregnancy and also would be an automatic c-section because the placenta can’t come out before the baby.  Of course, right now everything is up in the air, so I shouldn’t speculate.  It’s just driving me more and more crazy by the second.

There’s more I’m forgetting to mention I’m sure.  Oh, on a very positive note, my blood work did NOT match his concern on the u/s.  All my blood work came back awesome, and while my pregnancy hormone levels are on the lower scale for where I am at in my pregnancy, it’s still within the normal range for this time period, which means I AM indeed roughly 10-11 weeks pregnant.  At least according to the hormones.  AND my cervix is completely closed up, and it’s more a concern if it’s open, so this is a very good thing.  I also haven’t had any cramping or pain.  I’m hoping and praying beyond hope and pray that the u/s he did was crap, and that tomorrow we will see our little baby kicking and squirming, heart pumping beautifully.  It is truly ALL I WANT, to know my baby is alive and OK.  From there we can figure out the bleeding and everything will continue to go according to plan.

My emotions are kind of all over the place right now, as you can imagine.  I’ve never been through anything like this before, and I honestly never in a million ZILLION years would have thought this would ever happen to me.  My pregnancy with Andrew was PERFECT, and I am so fucking healthy, so why is this happening to me??????

It’s so hard imagining the worst case scenario, even though there’s a part of me that believes that’s where I’m headed.  I hope not, I truly hope and pray not, I want this baby so so badly, even though I don’t know who he or she is yet, I want to so much.  I hope they know that even though they might only be the size of a bean right now, my heart is theirs forever.  I really honestly don’t know what I’m going to do if tomorrow I find out that my baby is dying.  I don’t know how I’m supposed to cope with that.  Tell Andrew that, and all our family and friends who we’ve already told because we were so sure nothing unthinkable would ever happen to our unborn child.

Thanksgiving is somewhat ruined for me now, although hopefully tomorrow I am going to find out that I have this little baby inside me to be thankful for. 

I will say though that I am so thankful, obviously for my parents being there for us, but also so much for my dear, dear husband who was so amazing today helping me through the grief I’ve been feeling.  Obviously he feels it too, but not to the extreme that Momma Bear does.  He is such a pillar of strength for me!  And even though I have yet to hug Andrew since I’ve been home because we didn’t get home for soooo maaaany hooours that he had gone to bed when we got here – I AM SO GRATEFUL THAT I HAVE HIM IN MY LIFE.  I honestly right now think I’d go totally completely insane if this was my first attempt at having a baby and this happened to me.  He is such a source of strength and light for me, and with how fragile life truly is, I feel beyond blessed to have him.  At least I was able to have one child, and for that I am so thankful, but please please please let’s make it two.  I don’t think I have it in me to try again if this doesn’t work out, and in all honesty, that changes so much of the life I thought we were going to have.

I’m very, very sad beyond words right now.  I feel like I’m living a nightmare.  I can’t figure this out at all.  I have so many questions, and yet at the same time I know there’s nothing anyone can tell me.  It feels like it’s a hundred years till tomorrow.  Please let this ultrasound tell us good things.

And thanks to anyone who’s out there reading this, I’m sorry to put this horrible post out there on the internet because it’s something I wish that never had to even be discussed, but maybe in some little way somewhere, it helps to talk about it.  I just need so badly for everything to be ok….Please let it be ok.


Lojo said…
Gonna send you a private message, unicorn rainbow love face. xoxo
Smelly Danielly said…
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I am praying for you, Elizabeth. I hope everything works out for the best. I have faith that it will.

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