Monday, October 24, 2011

Things will be different next time...they have to be


After going through a miscarriage, I think I’ll take a different approach to pregnancy.  Obviously I’ll be very worried about anything going wrong, so I’ll be very conscious of absolutely EVERYTHING I am doing/eating/ETC.  How can you tell I’m in a stage of self-blame?  I know it couldn’t have been anything I did purposely, but still…I do feel like my body failed me, and I wish I could have done things differently to know if maybe then my baby would still be with me.

If I get pregnant again, I want to get an EARLY ultrasound.  Like, as in not long after I find out I’m pregnant.  Around 8 weeks maybe?  I also don’t want to obsess over finding out if I’m pregnant or not.  I will live life as if I AM pregnant – so no drinking, no pill taking, not even Tylenol.  No home pregnancy tests till I’m AT LEAST a week late with my period – which could be difficult anyway given I have no idea what my periods will be like or if they’ll be regular like they used to be, after going through this.

I not only want an early ultrasound, but I will be forceful about getting another one at 11-12 weeks, and then the 20ish weeks one.  I might even consider paying for a 3D ultrasound, which I never imagined myself doing.  I also plan on trying to find out if I can, if it’s a boy or a girl during pregnancy.  This makes me sad in a way, because I’m one of those people who loves the surprise element of giving birth and not yet knowing what the baby is.  After losing my baby and knowing I will NEVER know if I birthed a daughter or a son, I feel scarred and I want to know as soon as I can next time around.  Just in case, I guess.  I want to be able to identify my child in my mind even before they are born.  Never thought I’d take that stance, but life works in mysterious ways.

I don’t want to try using my at-home Doppler till after 12 weeks because I don’t want to hear nothing and be panicking that the baby has died.  I’m considering getting rid of it altogether because sometimes I think it’s more trouble than it’s worth.  On the other hand, I want to be able to hear my baby for reassurance once in a while.  I just foresee myself being a completely nervous wreck the entire pregnancy.

I wish I could know how ‘easy’ it will be for me to become pregnant again.  I wish I knew what the future holds.  It makes me so anxious wondering.  This is our lives, our family, that feels like it’s being toyed with.  I had so many plans for us, great ones at that, and I feel like so many of my hopes have been dashed.  I want to be working toward similar goals to what I had before this happened, but I can’t do that without the baby I imagined being a part of it all.  I am terrified I won’t be able to get pregnant, or that I will go through again what I’m dealing with now.  I don’t want either of those to even be options.  I just want life to seem normal again.

1 comment:

Janice (Trista's mom) said...

You reminded me so much of how I felt when I was pregnant with Trista, I was always looking for spotting, cramping etc (not sure its a healthy thing but I know it is very normal after a miscarriage) It didnt take me any longer getting pregnant after my miscarriage than it did getting pregnant with baby we lost. I think doc told me to wait 3 months but not sure why but am thinking it had something to do with my receiving a shot because when I had my miscarriage they told me I was RH negative and since my husband was positive that after delivery you needed this shot and during pregnancy I think I had to get one.
Anyways sounds like you are dealing with this grief the way you need to which is different for everyone and physically you sound like you are feeling better ,that is good to hear. Chin up and things WILL get better trust me*big hugs*



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