Things will be different next time...they have to be
After going through a miscarriage, I think I’ll take a different approach to pregnancy. Obviously I’ll be very worried about anything going wrong, so I’ll be very conscious of absolutely EVERYTHING I am doing/eating/ETC. How can you tell I’m in a stage of self-blame? I know it couldn’t have been anything I did purposely, but still…I do feel like my body failed me, and I wish I could have done things differently to know if maybe then my baby would still be with me.
If I get pregnant again, I want to get an EARLY ultrasound. Like, as in not long after I find out I’m pregnant. Around 8 weeks maybe? I also don’t want to obsess over finding out if I’m pregnant or not. I will live life as if I AM pregnant – so no drinking, no pill taking, not even Tylenol. No home pregnancy tests till I’m AT LEAST a week late with my period – which could be difficult anyway given I have no idea what my periods will be like or if they’ll be regular like they used to be, after going through this.
I not only want an early ultrasound, but I will be forceful about getting another one at 11-12 weeks, and then the 20ish weeks one. I might even consider paying for a 3D ultrasound, which I never imagined myself doing. I also plan on trying to find out if I can, if it’s a boy or a girl during pregnancy. This makes me sad in a way, because I’m one of those people who loves the surprise element of giving birth and not yet knowing what the baby is. After losing my baby and knowing I will NEVER know if I birthed a daughter or a son, I feel scarred and I want to know as soon as I can next time around. Just in case, I guess. I want to be able to identify my child in my mind even before they are born. Never thought I’d take that stance, but life works in mysterious ways.
I don’t want to try using my at-home Doppler till after 12 weeks because I don’t want to hear nothing and be panicking that the baby has died. I’m considering getting rid of it altogether because sometimes I think it’s more trouble than it’s worth. On the other hand, I want to be able to hear my baby for reassurance once in a while. I just foresee myself being a completely nervous wreck the entire pregnancy.
I wish I could know how ‘easy’ it will be for me to become pregnant again. I wish I knew what the future holds. It makes me so anxious wondering. This is our lives, our family, that feels like it’s being toyed with. I had so many plans for us, great ones at that, and I feel like so many of my hopes have been dashed. I want to be working toward similar goals to what I had before this happened, but I can’t do that without the baby I imagined being a part of it all. I am terrified I won’t be able to get pregnant, or that I will go through again what I’m dealing with now. I don’t want either of those to even be options. I just want life to seem normal again.