Relieved by how it went
I wrote this last night but didn't get a chance to post it...
I had my doctor’s appointment today (Monday). I was SO nervous leading up to it, the anticipation was getting to be too much. BUT it went probably even better than I had hoped it would. Right now (10pm) I have a raging headache, in part I think because of the build up of the day leading to the appointment, then having it…then having 2 glasses of wine, when normally I never drink at all…The combo of everything has given me a migraine, but interestingly I feel a little bit stronger emotionally and, dare I say it, an inkling of hope for the future!
I met up with James at his work place and we made our way to the doctor’s office together. We were taken to the room to wait for the doctor, and while we were in there James was doing everything in his power to get me to laugh, hoping that would relax me a little bit since I was so wrought up. Well, of course, JUST as he got me laughing, the doctor walked in. He didn’t know why we were there yet, so he just smiled and said, ‘How’s life treating you?!’ When I said it felt like it couldn’t be worse, he was a bit confused! But the laughter was soon gone, and we started talking about what happened.
I was so nervous that this appointment would ‘make me or break me’ – at least in terms of how I felt about the medical profession. I was so worried he wouldn’t be good to me, but he totally was. He showed compassion, and seemed to genuinely CARE that this had happened to me, and he completely validated my thoughts and feelings, which is something I really needed from a doctor, from MY doctor.
One thing in particular stuck out to me, after I told things from my perspective. I think in relation to me saying how to other people I ‘just had a miscarriage’ where as to me, that was my second child I had. He said for me to remember that the word ‘miscarriage’ is just a term used to define a pregnancy loss in early pregnancy, but that it doesn’t in any way mean the loss isn’t severe. He was reassuring me that me feeling the loss of my baby is perfectly natural, and not to let medical terms or anything else invalidate my feelings. It’s hard to explain, but he did a really great job at making me feel like what I’m going through is normal.
That being said, based on my reactions and tears and obvious difficulty in getting through this, he suggested that I do see a counsellor, and he’s going to set up an appointment for me, which leads me to believe that POSSIBLY it will be covered, or at least maybe not as expensive as if I sought counselling on my own. So hopefully that works out. He’s also getting me an appointment with a gynaecologist to go over everything just to make sure there’s nothing wrong with ME, although he doubts that they will find anything wrong. He assured me that as painful and difficult as this is, if I feel up to it I SHOULD try again for another baby, because there’s really no reason why it should happen to me again the way this one turned out. Especially given I have Andrew who is absolutely perfect…The odds should NOT be stacked against me, even if it might feel like they are to me right now.
He actually gave me the go ahead that if I feel emotionally ready, I can try as early as possible. Which is amazing, because most doctors, from everything I’ve read, say wait 1-3 months at least. My doctor really wants us to have another baby, I remember him saying I should have another when I wasn’t sure if I wanted another at all! So I know he fully supports us having another baby. I want to try again soon, but I still want to give myself a little bit more time to heal, emotionally more than anything.
One reason why I want to delay trying for the short term at least, is that the doctor prescribed me 10 days worth of sleeping pills. I am hoping to only need them for a few days, but we’ll see how it goes. James mentioned how I’ve been suffering from insomnia, and taking things like gravol to make me drowsy enough to fall asleep. He said that if I do need a sleep aid, a proper sleeping pill is going to give me an actual restful sleep, as opposed to taking something that’s actually meant for something else. I feel reluctant to try sleeping pills because I don’t want to get hooked, but he assured me I won’t if I’m only taking one a day for 10 days or less. I want to do this to get a few nights of (hopefully) really good sleep, and then once that’s done, I won’t even take Tylenol or ANYTHING at all in preparation for hopefully getting pregnant again.
I also talked about the ultrasounds I had, and my doctor is requesting the results be sent to him (which they should have been anyway…) Unfortunately the first ultrasound we had was done informally and I know no pictures were taken, so that’s a lost cause, but at least we’ll be able to go over my second ultrasound. He said that sometimes they just don’t pick up what’s truly there, or maybe they DID see the baby in the pictures but not till after they’d talked to me and said they hadn’t – we’ll get a better idea once we see it for ourselves. I feel a little nervous about going over the ultrasound results with him, because it will be weeks from now when that will happen, and it will just bring everything back…But on the other hand, I want to go over it because it might help me gain a little bit of closure, or at least might give me an answer I didn’t have…Or it might get me no further ahead, but at least I’ll know I tried.
I can’t say enough how much it meant to me that my doctor was so kind. It also really made me realize how much it means to me that I have a regular doctor that I respect. When we went into the office, the receptionist that’s usually there wasn’t, and I immediately thought, OH NO, THIS ISN’T GOOD. I realized that even if the doctors were OK at the hospital, because they weren’t MY doctor and I wasn’t used to them, it would have been harder for me to appreciate what they were doing or saying at the time. (Although I do still stand by the fact that I feel I could have been treated FAR better at the hospital…I mean, I wasn’t treated AT ALL while I was going through the actual miscarriage…) It really goes a long way to have that rapport with someone, especially when dealing with some of the most sensitive aspects of our lives. I am so grateful to have the doctor that I do.
I feel a bit of healing happening here. I’m still very sad, and it was evident during my appointment. I was very open and honest about what happened, and it cut deep like it had just happened to me. I am usually very good at ‘hiding’ my true feelings, keeping my composure, and while I didn’t lose it entirely, I was crying and very visibly hurting. The doctor also knows I’m sure that things don’t usually get to me, so he would realize the true impact this is having on me as well. But feeling validated by him, knowing that he’s getting the ball rolling on me working through this, feeling like he genuinely WANTS me to feel better so I can get my life back on track – these were all healing experiences for me. In some ways it would have been good to have had this appointment sooner so maybe things wouldn’t have been as painful for the past 2 weeks, but I think actually that it was a good thing it took almost 2 weeks because that way I had time to think a lot, and I was able to better hear what he was saying because I’d thought a lot, done some research, and was as ready as I could be to discuss it with him.
There’s still a long road ahead, and I don’t know when I’ll feel comfortable with not feeling the need to add something about my baby to everything I say…but I feel like I’m pretty sure I’m going to be able to work through this in time, and it feels so good to have the support that I do.
After the appointment, James and I went out for dinner and had an amazing experience at a restaurant we were trying for the first time. That’s incredible, if you know me and restaurants – especially when I’m in a mood or something serious is going on, a restaurant experience can fairly quickly go awry! But this place ended up being perfect, and we had a great conversation with the waiter/possible owner, and that lightened things up a little for the rest of the evening. I also had the two glasses of red wine which maybe I’m regretting slightly now that I have a headache, but it was worth it at the time. I actually ENJOYED being out, and it felt like James and I were on a proper date. Yes, I did talk about the baby, but we talked about other things too, and shared some laughs, and I loved feeling that connection with my husband.
Now we are home, the boy’s asleep, and we’re going to watch Dexter before bed. I really love my family, my friends, and everything that I do have in my life. And I still have my baby in my life too, just in a different way than I had thought I would. I think this baby has given me a strength I didn’t know I had, and I’m going to honour them by focusing as much as I can on the good things, and what the future hopefully holds for us.