Putting myself out there
When I decided that I wanted to post about my miscarriage on Facebook, I first ran it past James. While our friends lists are quite different, we do have quite a few of the same people connected to us, and I wasn’t sure how he felt about my miscarriage being somewhat public. He was receptive to the idea though, if it was something I felt I needed to do.
I don’t know exactly what compelled me to be so open about it. As I wrote in the Note, I always expected I’d be a person who would want to hide it as much as possible if it happened to me. But just as we’re often surprised by our reactions to things, I found myself wanting the world to just KNOW. I felt a very strong need to just put it out there as part of my healing process. I didn’t want to pretend the biggest thing going on in my life right now wasn’t happening, and I decided if you can’t share that with the people who are SUPPOSED to be your friends, then there’s something wrong with that.
It ended up being a very good decision to post that Note for all to see. It was amazing the response I got, not just in all the little tokens of support people wrote on my wall, but from the private messages I received from a number of friends who, as it happens, have also been through miscarriages. I feel like it opened up the door for them to also share their experiences and release some of the pain through talking about it. It really is so frightening how often miscarriages occur, and I think it’s appalling how we’re basically taught to cover it up and not talk about it. I really feel that a lot of people treat it as ‘not a big deal’ when it is such a heart wrenching experience to go through. Easy to say it’s ‘nothing’ if you’ve never experienced it maybe, or looking at it from a medical point of view it’s just ‘one of those things that happens in one of four pregnancies.’ But we’re real people, with pregnancies that matter to us more than anything in the world. I think it’s time people started acknowledging it, and the pain associated, and not feel like it’s something to be ashamed about or just be bottling up emotionally.
So even though it was hard to press the Publish button on Facebook, knowing what people were about to learn about me, it has played a part in my healing somewhat. Not that I feel the least bit healed, really…But I do think it was a positive thing to have done that. I feel like being somewhat of an advocate for this now, I guess just speaking up about miscarriage and its effects. I feel so SO traumatized by what I went through and the way I was treated (or not really treated much at all) at the hospital, and I’d really like to do everything I can to put awareness of it out there so that I might be able to help someone not go through the experience the way I did. It’s not going to be a positive experience no matter what, but it could be a lot better than I felt it was for me.
I kind of have a hate on for hospitals at the moment, and it’s crazy how much a person’s perspectives can be changed with one event. I find it so sad to think about how just a few weeks ago if that, I wrote about my ‘birth plan’ for baby#2. I still find it so surreal in the most horrible of ways to know that I have already since given birth to that baby. Obviously my birth plan was nothing like how I imagined it was going to go. But with how terrible I felt about my hospital experience this time around, I am seriously now contemplating if I do have another baby (at full term, pretty please), I would actually consider a home birth. A few weeks ago I was totally against having a home birth and now…I just fear ever having to step foot in the hospital again. Then again it’s important to know it was obviously under negative circumstances that I was there, and I wasn’t at St. Paul’s, I was at Royal Columbian. It was just a different experience entirely and I can’t compare I guess but…I will be happy if I never step foot in RC ever again.
I think I would still be compelled to go to a hospital though, in the sense I will be terrified something could go wrong and I wouldn’t want to be at home if that were to be the case.
I’m getting ahead of myself though. While I know I do want to try again, I need to get through this first. I also want to see my doctor and possibly find out if it’s possible to get some tests done, have myself checked out, to know for sure there’s nothing wrong with me before I try again.
Nothing about this is easy or good. I just feel empty and lost, tired and miserable. I hate the twists and turns grief takes. I just want to feel like myself again, but I don’t see how I ever can.