Friday, October 21, 2011

One thing at a time


It’s pouring with rain today, a good day to stay cozy inside.  Although I plan on actually venturing out today!  Is it a good sign that I opened the blinds this morning and actually kept them open?!  Yesterday I had them open for all of 5 minutes, then just felt too vulnerable to the world and shut them.  I think it’s probably for the best that I’m not staying home all day today.

I can’t wait till we can get clearance to actually enjoy a fire in our fireplace!  We have all this wood and we’ve yet to be told we can start using it.  I think it will feel quite relaxing to sit in front of the fire and watch the sparks fly.  Hopefully this weekend.

I really kind of desperately need something to look forward to.  I feel like the only thing I want to look forward to is having a baby.  It’s freaking me out, but it’s what I so desperately want.  Not right away but…Look at it this way – if we wait several months, we’re liable to have another Christmas baby assuming the pregnancy goes to full term.  I don’t want another Christmas baby, seriously, that CANNOT happen!  I really, really want the baby to be born sooner than that.  I feel sad that things didn’t go as planned, because I had it in my mind that Andrew would still be home before starting Kindergarten for a full year and a half, so he’d have that extra bonding time with the baby.  I imagined the baby going with us to places like Playland next summer, me and the babe sitting out while Andrew and Daddy go on the rides.  Silly things like that – stuff that ultimately shouldn’t matter, but does to me.  I imagined the baby on a blanket outside on the grass in the summer time, while Andrew runs around and plays in the yard.  Now…I don’t know what will happen, but it certainly won’t be that, because there’s no chance now of having a spring/summer baby.  September is the earliest possibility, but even that seems unlikely at this point.

I hate not being able to KNOW things.  I like to have as much control of my life as possible.  I wish I could be one of those people who flies by the seat of their pants, doesn’t take things so personally, is carefree and just goes with whatever life throws them.  I am so NOT that person.

Last night when James and Andrew got home, Andrew asked me, ‘You missed me today?’  I said, ‘I sure did!  I always miss you when we’re apart!’  Andrew said, ‘I missed you today, Mommy.  I’m soooo happy to see you!’  Awww!  I have the bestest boy ever.  I love how much more he’s talking, and all the sweet things he says.  He knows how to cheer me up, and the past few days we’ve been together he has been a really good boy for me.


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