'No title' is all I can come up with today
Last night I took a Sleep-eze pill to help me get tired enough for sleep. I found myself really weepy last night, but then once the pill kicked in I got drowsy enough eventually, and was able to fall asleep relatively quickly. Unfortunately, despite the box suggesting otherwise, I found myself feeling very groggy when I got up this morning. That’s fine on a day like today, where Andrew is at his nana’s for the day. But if he was waking me up by jumping up and down on the bed saying, Tiiiiime to get uuuuuup, Mommy, RIGHT NOW’ as he likes to do, I don’t think it would be the best scenario.
I wish there was a magic pill that would help me feel happy, help me to sleep, AND would have no adverse affects on my body so that I wouldn’t be worried about getting addicted to a pill that’s bad for me. Keep dreaming, right?! Let’s face it, I just wish I was in a normal state and getting on with my life. I wish…well, I think everyone knows what I wish at this point. What’s the point of putting it out there yet again. It’s not going to come true.
Yesterday my parents stopped by a little before dinner for a short visit. They brought me a new pair of pajamas, a few magazines, and a box of chocolates from Purdy’s. It’s the equivalent of a ‘sick present.’ When I was little, when we were sick (with chicken pox or something a little more severe than a common cold…though that often scored a Strawberry Julius!) we’d get some sort of a sick present. Sometimes my grandparents would bring over a stuffed animal or some sort of toy or a treat of some sort. My mom made a point to say she knows I’m not ‘sick’ in that sense, but they wanted me to have something that might cheer me up, well maybe not cheer me up, but give me some things to just relax with. The idea being I would lounge on the couch in my comfy new jammies, reading magazines and eating chocolates. I plan on doing a bit of that this afternoon. I really appreciated them thinking of me like that, and giving me a sort of ‘care package.’
I do feel like I have strong support, but the (not so) funny thing is, I still feel so bitterly alone! Very, very lonely. A loneliness I can’t even describe. It’s very odd. I’ve never felt it before. I think it truly is the loss of my child, the emptiness inside me. I’m lonely for that little life that once was in me, not so long ago. I really thought my baby would thrive inside me, I truly did, I can’t get over the fact that it didn’t work out that way.
I was really going to try in this post to not go on about it, but I’m not being very successful, am I.
Since I’m now on the topic of it…I also want to mention just for the sake of recording it I guess – I’ve been having weird little twinges and things inside me that also upset me, because it tricks me into thinking, Wait a second, maybe I’m still pregnant?! Of course, that’s not possible, because I saw my baby with my own eyes. I know they’re not in there anymore. But last night, and even a bit right now, I’ve been having a very slight sensation like the ‘beehive’ feeling I had when the baby was still alive in me. I never had that with Andrew, and so I’ve been wondering if it could have actually been a sign that something wasn’t right this time…Though it’s hard to say that since I felt it quite early in the pregnancy, and the baby couldn’t have possibly died much before I had the actual miscarriage, because he or she was definitely developed to at least 11 weeks based on pictures I’ve looked at online of that gestational period. So I don’t know…but it’s weird to be having hints of these feelings now, when it should just be all over. I’ve also had a shooting pain that feels like it’s in the area where my fallopian tube is on the left side. It lasted about a day, off and on. I looked it up and it sounds exactly like how ovulation pains can feel – but could I seriously ovulate just days after a miscarriage? The literature is all very confusing because some people say you could be pregnant as early as 2 weeks after a miscarriage, while others say you can’t even get a cycle going for 4-7 weeks. After I had Andrew my period came back after just 5 weeks, which is considered early especially since I was breastfeeding him. So who knows I guess, my body is definitely going back to ‘normal’ (whatever that is) a lot faster since obviously there wasn’t as much trauma to my body with being so early on (the trauma mostly being in my heart/brain/soul). Oh, the dramatics once again, but I’d say I have ever right!!!
Anyway, it’s weird feeling little pregnancy-like things. Also sad, knowing they are just phantom pains or the aftermath of losing the baby. I don’t like any of this.
Sigh. I will try really hard for a happier post later, but I can’t guarantee that it won’t have melancholy undertones!