Making an effort
While the boys are out on a bike ride, I have some quiet time to write. I just lit a fire in the fireplace and I’m enjoying the cozyness of it.
We didn’t leave the house yesterday and I think James and I were both feeling a bit stir crazy as a result. Not that I’m not used to staying in, since lately I haven’t felt up to doing much of anything and try to avoid people like the plague. It’s so sunny out today, though, so it seemed a shame even to me to ‘waste’ the entire thing sitting indoors.
We finally convinced Andrew it was a good idea to get out there (he’s even more of a home body than me). It took forever to get his squirmy little self dressed and ready, but then once he had his new outfit on (GG, his great grandma, bought him some new clothes when she was over last week) and checked himself out in the mirror, he was raring to go. I told him he looked like a little model and that made him stop crying and laugh and smile at himself. Priceless! I even put gel in his hair, because I said models usually have their hair done, too. He loved it!
We went out into our backyard, where Andrew spotted the 3 little pumpkins I got the other day. I want to get two more so it can be like the ‘Five Little Pumpkins’, which Andrew knows by heart and loves to recite.
Five little pumpkins, sitting on a gate
First one says, Oh my it’s getting late
Second one says, There are witches in the air
Third one says, But we don’t care!
Fourth one says, Let’s run and run and run
Fifth one says, We’re ready for some fun
Oooh, went the wind
And out went the lights
And the five little pumpkins
Rolled out of sight
Anyway, James had wanted to go for a bike ride with Andrew (I didn’t feel up to riding my bike, while physically I’d say I’m doing quite well, I don’t want to over do it since I’m still healing, although I’m sure I COULD ride my bike, if I really wanted to). Andy was all gung-ho about the bike ride till it came time to heading out, when he flat out refused and said he was walking with me. So James went and got his bike anyway and we planned to just meet at the park. But as soon as Andrew actually SAW the bike, he immediately wanted to get on it! Luckily James figured as much and brought Andy’s little helmet out, so off they went biking to the park, and I walked there to meet up with them.
I took some pictures along the way, and tried to just enjoy the autumn weather and fallen leaves. I still feel this sadness deep inside, and I find it difficult to enjoy the fall this year, even though it IS beautiful. I love all the colours on the leaves and the crunch of them under my feet. But this fall feels different for me, there is usually a spark from the familiarity of fall days, but this year it’s more flat somehow. Like I wish I wasn’t seeing it at all. As if I can’t quite comprehend how everything just keeps happening ‘as per usual’ when very little feels ‘usual’ to me these days. It’s just my mood, and I know that. I can’t bring myself to enjoy anything fully because of the sadness. BUT I will say that I did make an effort today to try, and I think I did a pretty good job.
While dwelling on what I AM missing out on (the continuation of my baby growing inside me and all the hopes and dreams that come along with that), I don’t want to also end up missing out on happy moments with James and Andrew. Watching Andrew at the park smile and laugh gleefully, running around playing games with his Daddy, and me going on the swings with him – those are all very important things, and help in getting me through the day without being quite so glum. I’m glad I ventured out and got some fresh air with my boys.