Friday, October 28, 2011

Keeping busy

Yesterday I swept and washed the floors, even steam mopped the tiles in the bathroom and hallway.  I’m glad I was able to get that out of the way with Andrew around, he was really good about not walking on them until they were dry. 

Today I still felt the strong need to keep really busy – after a pretty good sleep in till almost 11am, since the boy is with his nana today.  I took 1 ½ sleeping pills last night and then ended up taking one more half before I went to bed, so I’d sleep better – and I think it worked.  I plan on taking them for the next 2 nights and then it’s time to start clearing my system out.  I’m a little worried about how that’s going to go, but I have to do it.

Today I puttered about, did some tidying in our bedroom and ironed for close to 2 hours – and STILL there are 10 shirts left to do!  Ugh.  I kept telling myself to just plow through and get it ALL done but then I was so bored of it and didn’t want to feel like I’d wasted all my time on the chore I hate the most.

I’ve been watching the original Beverly Hills, 90210 on netflix and no, I am NOT ashamed to admit it!  I’m a little shocked that I actually watched the show when it was on in the early 90s because it’s terrible on so many levels, but BECAUSE I watched it back then, I get a kick out of seeing it again.  It’s so pathetic and annoying but I can’t stop watching it.

Yesterday I went through a few old things of mine, and Andrew was pretty pleased when I gave him my sticker book from when I was a kid.  He was saying how he wanted this sticker and that sticker and I said, ‘How about instead you just keep the whole book?’  He said, ‘It is MINE?!’  I said, ‘It is now!’  He said, ‘It used to be yours, but now it’s mine!’  When James got home from work, he wanted to show his Daddy his new sticker book =)  I find it heart-warming because I never could have imagined as a child myself, growing up and one day having my boy to hand my old things down to, and have him cherish them.  Not that he’ll cherish everything, and not to say he won’t destroy my prized sticker book that has over 600 stickers in it.  But I’m willing to risk it, even just for that one moment yesterday where he was so happy I gave it to him.

I am so, so grateful to have him.  My heart goes out to everyone who’s been through a miscarriage, but in particular people who so desperately want to be parents but lost a child and/or can’t conceive.  When I’m out and see a baby, or hear one crying, or even sometimes just seeing kids at this point in time – it can really make me feel like crying.  But Andrew helps me be strong because I know I have him, and I still get to enjoy all the kid-related things, even though my baby will be missing from the picture forever.  I am so lucky that I have one healthy child, and when I go on about how sad I am because I miss my baby, I want everyone to know that it doesn’t mean I’m forgetting about my big-boy baby!  I love him more than words could ever express.

Yesterday when I was cleaning out some drawers, I came across the pregnancy test from the doctor’s office.  I remember when the doctor handed me the positive test, he said, ‘Here, you can add this to the baby book!’  I also remember, at the time, thinking, ‘That’s kind of a weird thing to put in the baby book’ and I didn’t think I would keep it.  I figured I’d have ultrasound photos and all sorts of wonderful other things to keep for the baby book.  As it happens, there will be no baby book, but I decided to keep the pregnancy test.  It’s different than the at home ones, quite small and nondescript, other than the very clear mark there that I was pregnant.  I have a label maker, so I made a label for the spot that says ‘ID’ and wrote Baby (last name initials) 2 – 11 wks oct 11/11.  For the back I made another label that says, ‘never held, never forgotten. always loved.’  It comforts me in some small way to have that, just to know that there is that small tangible ‘proof’ that my baby was real.  It made me break down, though, because it devastates me that it’s all I have.

I let myself cry for a few minutes.  I could have probably just curled back up in bed and continued to cry for much longer, truthfully.  But it wouldn’t get me any farther ahead to do that.  So  I got some stuff done, and I feel good about that.  I don’t really know what more to say.  I feel like I have to just live moment by moment right now.  Maybe I’ll go put some music on and try not to think about things for a while.

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