It's over now

Never in a million years did I think a miscarriage would happen to me.  Not in a zillion, trillion years, would I ever have thought what happened to me today, could.  But, unfortunately, it did.

I’m in a bit of a state of shock right now, after feeling a whole slew of varying degrees of emotion throughout the day.  I want to write about my experience, I need to.  But I also want to say, this is not for the squeamish.  Don’t read it if you’re not comfortable with details.

I had a really bad night last night.  Basically every time I woke up (which was often) I started crying uncontrollably.  I let Andrew into our bed because I didn’t want to have to keep getting up with him a bunch of times, and then around 20 to 5 I just couldn’t lay there crying anymore so I got up…And cried some more on the couch.

I just didn’t feel right, and I think deep down, even though obviously more than anything else in the world I wanted everything to be ok with my baby, I knew it wasn’t.  I knew the odds were seriously against me, and it hurt.

By morning I was starting to feel like I was having my period.  Bleeding with period-type cramps.  Those cramps can be ‘normal’ in pregnancy – I felt them when I was pregnant with Andrew.  But with the bleeding and that ultrasound we had yesterday, I just knew it was not a good sign that I was now starting to cramp on top of everything else, even if it was just slight.

I called the u/s department on the advice of the ER doctor we saw last night, and was able to get an appointment for 12:30.  So my parents came over later in the morning, my mom stayed with Andrew, and my dad took us to the hospital.

I had to go for the u/s on a full bladder, so the instructions said I was to drink 4 full glasses of water 2 hours before the exam.  I drank 2 and a bit before leaving for the hospital, and halfway there I was in agony.  It felt like such intense pressure from my bladder that I thought I might pass out, which I felt yesterday too when we first got to the emergency room.  It’s normal to feel ‘uncomfortable’ with a full bladder, especially during pregnancy, but I’d never felt anything like this before.  I ended up going pee just a little bit and forcing myself to hold the rest in so my bladder would still be full, but maybe not so sore waiting for the exam.

We had close to half an hour to wait for the scan and it was sheer agony.  I started having mild contractions, spaced apart, and then within a short period of time they started coming more frequently.  I was in so much pain.  I was doubling over in the seat in the waiting room and making noises in pain, and had to go to the washroom many times over.  Every time I went there was more and more blood.  I remember the first time, there was so much blood that I had to flush twice to get the red out of the water.  I was sobbing at that point and James was with me, it was just really scary to see that, with bigger and bigger clots coming out too.  So while we waited for the u/s tech to get back from their lunch break, I was in the full throws of my miscarriage.

The scan was SO PAINFUL.  It lasted a minute or less, obviously she knew as well as I did that things were not OK.  I was able to pee finally (actually I think that’s when there was all the blood) and then we had to wait for the results of the scan.  The doctor finally came in after what felt like forever, to say what we already knew he was going to say.

He let us know that I was having a miscarriage (duh!) and that they couldn’t see a developing baby inside me at all, so in their opinion the baby had never even ‘been’ in the first place.  I didn’t really believe that, but what could I say, the images showed nothing.

We went down to the emergency room to check in there, because I was supposed to see the doctor we’d seen the night before to go over the results of the u/s.  Mainly for me, I was in so much pain and didn’t want to go home so it made sense to go to emergency.

I basically was in labour, a mini labour, with a tiny baby.  Having been through a full term labour, I knew how it felt, and it was very much like the beginning stages of labour – as in, very painful contractions but obviously less painful than a full term baby.  And the contractions got closer and closer together like in a ‘normal’ labour.  I couldn’t quite believe that I was in labour, but essentially I was.

Emergency was crazy busy, apparently one of the busiest days they’ve had in weeks.  Awesome.  I had to just double over a chair riding the contractions till finally a nurse took us in because she realized how bad off I was.  But that only meant moving us to the next waiting room, where I was just on all fours on the floor for a while, then got a reclining chair and went between laying there dealing with the pain to going to the bathroom and passing more blood and clots.  It was horrifying, and I hated having an audience – there was one man in particular who just kept staring at me the whole time.  (In the waiting room, not the washroom, obviously!!!)  But then again, when you’re in that kind of pain and anguish, ultimately you don’t really care who’s watching when it comes right down to it.

One of the last times I went to the bathroom, I really, REALLY wish I had brought James with me.  But how was I to know it was going to be essentially the end of it all?  I wish I could turn back time and change things – well, in so many ways I wish that – but I can’t.  When I was in the bathroom that times, I felt a very very big clot come out, and it felt like such a release – I sort of compare it to the feeling of the placenta coming out after giving birth.  It’s painful but it’s like your body knows it’s ‘the end’ and then you relax some.  I certainly wasn’t ‘relaxed’ but I just mean that the contractions stopped suddenly.  I stood up and looked in the toilet, expecting to see more clots like before.  But instead, I saw a sac with a baby in it.  I KNEW I HAD A BABY IN ME.  They tried to tell me there was no baby, but there most certainly was.  I did have a decent look at it, and it looked fully formed and I would guess at about 11 weeks as I thought I was.  It had all its limbs and was curled in the fetal position.  It was my baby in there.  I felt suddenly very desperate, and I went to grab a paper towel in case it was a bit messy but I desperately wanted to get my baby out of there to have a closer look.  Then the most horrifying thing happened that I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever fully be able to get over.  The toilet was a self flushing toilet, and it just sucked my baby away in an instant.  Before I could react, before I could do anything, I saw my baby being whisked away, flushed.  I said out loud, ‘No, No, NO!’ and felt my heart drop right out of my chest.  Just like that.  I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye in my own way.  It was gone.

I don’t know if my baby was a boy or a girl.  But it was a perfectly formed little being.  I looked at that baby and I knew it was mine.  But I never got to hold it.  I will never know who he or she was supposed to be.  And I’ll never in a million years understand why they weren’t able to continue on living.  I don’t know what went wrong.  Everyone has said it’s nothing I did, it’s ‘normal’ in the sense that it happens a lot more than you might think.  None of this reassures me.  My baby died today, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  I would do everything in my power to save my children, but I was completely helpless.  And now I’m empty.

I’m so sad, I don’t know how to ever get through this.  One minute I feel strong, and I know it was meant to be because I was in so much pain.  Once it was all over, as sad as I was, and believe me I was sobbing over it back in the emergency waiting room when I had to go tell James what had happened – I did physically feel so much better.  The pain was actually so severe that even though I wanted my baby to be alive, I knew it couldn’t be, because there was no way I could physically continue  much longer feeling that pain.  Obviously this baby was not meant to be, but I just don’t understand why.  Miscarriage does not run in my family, I’m so healthy, James and I had Andrew who is perfect – why why WHY did this happen to us?  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make sense of it.

So I’m not sure where we go from here, but I guess I’ll try my best to take it easy for a little while.  I need to deal with the shock of this, and try to get the image out of my mind of those finals moments. 

I wish no one ever had to go through what I did today.

I just can’t believe my baby is gone!  I’m glad in a way that I got to see them, to know they in fact WERE there, growing inside me as I knew they were.  But to be parted from each other so suddenly, I really feel like I lost a part of myself today.  A part I can’t ever get back.

Baby, I don’t know why you had to go, but please know that even though you couldn’t stay, I love you. 


Anonymous said…
I've had this post up on my screen for awhile now. I read it, took it all in, and then tried to decide what to say.
Ultimately, there is nothing I can say to take away the pain, to ease the hurt. But what I want you to know is that I know you are strong. I'm not religious, I don't believe in god/jesus, but I think that our bodies have and go through processes and that sometimes we go through them because something knows we can handle them. Same goes for our hearts, and our minds.
That doesn't make it any easier, I know. And maybe it's an ignorant thing to say? I'm not sure.
What I want to say is, know I am thinking about you, James, Andrew, and your baby. I am SO very sorry for your loss. I wish I could take the pain away.
Also, make sure to take care of yourself - or even better, have someone take care of you, for the next bit. You've got healing to do and it's so important for you to allow your body, heart and soul to have the space and time to do this.
My mom had a miscarriage as well, and I am hoping she will comment on this and perhaps have some good words of healing for you, too.
take care, Elizabeth. you are strong. you can do this.
thank you so much for sharing this story, as painful and as hard as it was for you. your words will hopefully not only help you to heal, but will provide support and healing to other women who experience the loss of a baby.
Lojo said…
Big hugs, Liz. :*( What Trista said is so beautifully true-- that our bodies, minds, hearts go through certain processes... to make us stronger... because something knows we can handle them. This is your time to absorb, mourn, and heal. I, too, hope Trista's mom has some healing words for you, as I know my experiences are limited and there is only so much I can say. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I'm praying for you and your family. You're a strong woman.

Smelly Danielly said…
Elizabeth, I don't even know what to say. I can't even imagine how you are feeling. I am so so sorry you had to go through this. I've been thinking about you all day. You and James are in my prayers.
Janice (Trista's mom ) said…
Hi Elizabeth, first of all I want to say I know a lot of how you feel and although right now you feel so much pain I want you to know the pain will lessen. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and was about 11 weeks as well, I was on top of the world and wearing maternity clothes not because I needed too but because I thought my pants were just a teeny weeny bit too tight and just couldn't wait to wear my first maternity One day I started spotting so went to emergency and had a terrible doctor who was so rude and told me to go home and that I was likely miscarrying and would probably end up back there that night, so sure enough I went home and cramps started early evening and then I just felt gushing so much that I was scared to take my legs apart to walk that my insides were all going to fall out of me so we went to emergency and they took me in right away. I told them I had to pee so they let me go to the bathroom but when I tried to pee I felt like something was blocking so I pushed and a big plop fell into the toilet which I don't know why but I automatically flushed the toilet without really looking..........what was I thinking ughhhh The nurses said they could have fished it out to look at it.I have no idea why I flushed it but I did and it bothered me for a long time as I never knew if it was developed at all or not. The doctor ended up doing a D&C and saying my miscarriage was natures way of taking care of something that wasn't right and that it was probably all tissues but to me it was my baby and I had to grieve. So many people don't know what to say so simply say you can have more kids etc etc but to me I felt like they might have well just said oh it was nothing get over it. I had so much anxiety after this that when ever my husband turned off the lamp in our bedroom at night I couldn't breathe, don't remember how long this lasted but it wasn't forever thankgod. I had to wait a few months before getting pregnant again and I remember being terrified when I got pregnant with Trista and watching for any spoting or any little cramp. ..her dad wouldn't let me do anything at all even lift a small box as we were moving into our house at the time but I had to reassure him that my miscarriage had nothing to do with lifting etc. It was a scary sad time for us but I had 2 healthy pregnancies after this tragic time in our lives and you can too.
Wow I am rambling on here, sorry its probably all a big jumble of words and jumping all over the place but just wanted to tell you my story.You will go on to have a healthy full term pregnancy and I have no doubt about that seeing you were already blessed to have Andrew,it will take time to get past this but like I said time heals all with any loss. I am here if you ever want to talk or ask me anything ,take care of yourself and cry if you need to, I find that crying is such a good cleanse .You will be the same again, I remember when my mom passed away I thought I would never be happy again but with time it did get easier. Hugs and thinking of you all (sorry I am just not a good as writer as you or Trista)

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