It's over now
Never in a million years did I think a miscarriage would happen to me. Not in a zillion, trillion years, would I ever have thought what happened to me today, could. But, unfortunately, it did.
I’m in a bit of a state of shock right now, after feeling a whole slew of varying degrees of emotion throughout the day. I want to write about my experience, I need to. But I also want to say, this is not for the squeamish. Don’t read it if you’re not comfortable with details.
I had a really bad night last night. Basically every time I woke up (which was often) I started crying uncontrollably. I let Andrew into our bed because I didn’t want to have to keep getting up with him a bunch of times, and then around 20 to 5 I just couldn’t lay there crying anymore so I got up…And cried some more on the couch.
I just didn’t feel right, and I think deep down, even though obviously more than anything else in the world I wanted everything to be ok with my baby, I knew it wasn’t. I knew the odds were seriously against me, and it hurt.
By morning I was starting to feel like I was having my period. Bleeding with period-type cramps. Those cramps can be ‘normal’ in pregnancy – I felt them when I was pregnant with Andrew. But with the bleeding and that ultrasound we had yesterday, I just knew it was not a good sign that I was now starting to cramp on top of everything else, even if it was just slight.
I called the u/s department on the advice of the ER doctor we saw last night, and was able to get an appointment for 12:30. So my parents came over later in the morning, my mom stayed with Andrew, and my dad took us to the hospital.
I had to go for the u/s on a full bladder, so the instructions said I was to drink 4 full glasses of water 2 hours before the exam. I drank 2 and a bit before leaving for the hospital, and halfway there I was in agony. It felt like such intense pressure from my bladder that I thought I might pass out, which I felt yesterday too when we first got to the emergency room. It’s normal to feel ‘uncomfortable’ with a full bladder, especially during pregnancy, but I’d never felt anything like this before. I ended up going pee just a little bit and forcing myself to hold the rest in so my bladder would still be full, but maybe not so sore waiting for the exam.
We had close to half an hour to wait for the scan and it was sheer agony. I started having mild contractions, spaced apart, and then within a short period of time they started coming more frequently. I was in so much pain. I was doubling over in the seat in the waiting room and making noises in pain, and had to go to the washroom many times over. Every time I went there was more and more blood. I remember the first time, there was so much blood that I had to flush twice to get the red out of the water. I was sobbing at that point and James was with me, it was just really scary to see that, with bigger and bigger clots coming out too. So while we waited for the u/s tech to get back from their lunch break, I was in the full throws of my miscarriage.
The scan was SO PAINFUL. It lasted a minute or less, obviously she knew as well as I did that things were not OK. I was able to pee finally (actually I think that’s when there was all the blood) and then we had to wait for the results of the scan. The doctor finally came in after what felt like forever, to say what we already knew he was going to say.
He let us know that I was having a miscarriage (duh!) and that they couldn’t see a developing baby inside me at all, so in their opinion the baby had never even ‘been’ in the first place. I didn’t really believe that, but what could I say, the images showed nothing.
We went down to the emergency room to check in there, because I was supposed to see the doctor we’d seen the night before to go over the results of the u/s. Mainly for me, I was in so much pain and didn’t want to go home so it made sense to go to emergency.
I basically was in labour, a mini labour, with a tiny baby. Having been through a full term labour, I knew how it felt, and it was very much like the beginning stages of labour – as in, very painful contractions but obviously less painful than a full term baby. And the contractions got closer and closer together like in a ‘normal’ labour. I couldn’t quite believe that I was in labour, but essentially I was.
Emergency was crazy busy, apparently one of the busiest days they’ve had in weeks. Awesome. I had to just double over a chair riding the contractions till finally a nurse took us in because she realized how bad off I was. But that only meant moving us to the next waiting room, where I was just on all fours on the floor for a while, then got a reclining chair and went between laying there dealing with the pain to going to the bathroom and passing more blood and clots. It was horrifying, and I hated having an audience – there was one man in particular who just kept staring at me the whole time. (In the waiting room, not the washroom, obviously!!!) But then again, when you’re in that kind of pain and anguish, ultimately you don’t really care who’s watching when it comes right down to it.
One of the last times I went to the bathroom, I really, REALLY wish I had brought James with me. But how was I to know it was going to be essentially the end of it all? I wish I could turn back time and change things – well, in so many ways I wish that – but I can’t. When I was in the bathroom that times, I felt a very very big clot come out, and it felt like such a release – I sort of compare it to the feeling of the placenta coming out after giving birth. It’s painful but it’s like your body knows it’s ‘the end’ and then you relax some. I certainly wasn’t ‘relaxed’ but I just mean that the contractions stopped suddenly. I stood up and looked in the toilet, expecting to see more clots like before. But instead, I saw a sac with a baby in it. I KNEW I HAD A BABY IN ME. They tried to tell me there was no baby, but there most certainly was. I did have a decent look at it, and it looked fully formed and I would guess at about 11 weeks as I thought I was. It had all its limbs and was curled in the fetal position. It was my baby in there. I felt suddenly very desperate, and I went to grab a paper towel in case it was a bit messy but I desperately wanted to get my baby out of there to have a closer look. Then the most horrifying thing happened that I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever fully be able to get over. The toilet was a self flushing toilet, and it just sucked my baby away in an instant. Before I could react, before I could do anything, I saw my baby being whisked away, flushed. I said out loud, ‘No, No, NO!’ and felt my heart drop right out of my chest. Just like that. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye in my own way. It was gone.
I don’t know if my baby was a boy or a girl. But it was a perfectly formed little being. I looked at that baby and I knew it was mine. But I never got to hold it. I will never know who he or she was supposed to be. And I’ll never in a million years understand why they weren’t able to continue on living. I don’t know what went wrong. Everyone has said it’s nothing I did, it’s ‘normal’ in the sense that it happens a lot more than you might think. None of this reassures me. My baby died today, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would do everything in my power to save my children, but I was completely helpless. And now I’m empty.
I’m so sad, I don’t know how to ever get through this. One minute I feel strong, and I know it was meant to be because I was in so much pain. Once it was all over, as sad as I was, and believe me I was sobbing over it back in the emergency waiting room when I had to go tell James what had happened – I did physically feel so much better. The pain was actually so severe that even though I wanted my baby to be alive, I knew it couldn’t be, because there was no way I could physically continue much longer feeling that pain. Obviously this baby was not meant to be, but I just don’t understand why. Miscarriage does not run in my family, I’m so healthy, James and I had Andrew who is perfect – why why WHY did this happen to us? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make sense of it.
So I’m not sure where we go from here, but I guess I’ll try my best to take it easy for a little while. I need to deal with the shock of this, and try to get the image out of my mind of those finals moments.
I wish no one ever had to go through what I did today.
I wish no one ever had to go through what I did today.
I just can’t believe my baby is gone! I’m glad in a way that I got to see them, to know they in fact WERE there, growing inside me as I knew they were. But to be parted from each other so suddenly, I really feel like I lost a part of myself today. A part I can’t ever get back.
Baby, I don’t know why you had to go, but please know that even though you couldn’t stay, I love you.