Wednesday, October 19, 2011

It feels like this is never going to stop


It’s 2 in the morning and my body is so exhausted.  I WANT to sleep.  But when I went to bed and I closed my eyes, my mind flashed back to my miscarriage.  The whole thing sets me off, thinking about each and every aspect of it.  Just the fact that it happened at all.  But when I close my eyes and try to rest, I see my baby in the toilet, and I see it getting whisked away before I can even react.  It’s tearing me up inside.  I can’t get that image out of my head, and every time I see it I burst into uncontrollable tears.

I have been crying less than I did the first few days, but I still haven’t gone a day without crying at all yet.  Up till tonight, so for 6 nights, I took medication in the evenings to make me drowsy enough for sleep.  Three of those nights it was some prescription pills (they weren’t prescribed to me, but rather given to me by someone) that essentially are meant to have calming effects and while I didn’t really notice them do anything, once I fell asleep at night I slept fairly soundly each time I had taken them.  The rest of the nights it was gravol, and while I hate the horrible grogginess I feel when I get up in the morning after having taken it, I found it did make me woozy so I ended up falling asleep without too much difficulty.  I’ve still been up late – I went to bed at quarter to 1 the other night and it felt like I was going to bed ‘early’ so…It hasn’t been a good pattern.  But at least I’ve eventually been able to fall asleep.  I ran out of all drowsy-inducing medications so tonight I thought could be the start of not having to take something in order to sleep.  Ultimately my goal is to get my body as healthy as possible for potentially getting pregnant again in the future, and part of that plan is obviously not having a hint of any sort of medication in my system.  But I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about actually getting any sleep at night like this, because I went to bed and started crying as soon as my head hit the pillow.  I tried to compose myself, rolled over, got comfortable, closed my eyes, and then there was my baby again, laying in its little fetal position in the gestational sac, so still in the water and then, gone.

I can’t take it, I really can’t!  I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  I don’t know how I can ever come to terms with it.  I feel so terribly lost, alone, and so fucking scared.  Scared of everything.  Scared of going out, for starters.  Scared of getting pregnant again with the possibility of something this horrible happening again.  Scared of death around me, because let’s face it, I’m going to have to deal with many losses in my lifetime.  Hopefully no more of them will be children, but losing people close to me is going to make me have similar feelings to this again.  I’m terrified of these feelings.  I can’t stand grief.  It’s taking over my life almost completely.  An 11 week old fetus that doesn’t even have a name is making me going crazy with sadness.  The sense of loss I feel for that ‘baby I didn’t even know’ is killing a part of me.  I can’t stand it.  I can’t make sense of it.  I can’t find a justifiable reason for its occurrence.  I can’t believe my body failed me.  I don’t know why I was stupid enough to sit on that toilet, and I hate the hospital staff for first of all telling me there wasn’t a developed baby in me in the first place, and for not suggesting that I pass whatever it was that was going to come out of me ANYWHERE BUT ON THE FUCKING TOILET.  I really wanted a sense of privacy while I was dealing with all of what was coming out of me, but you know, I want that moment with my baby so badly that if I could go back in time, I’d pass it right there on the floor of the fucking waiting room if it came right down to it.  I can’t stand how that moment was stolen from me, I see the sac being whisked away so fast, that the baby’s tiny little body moved inside of it as it whooshed through the toilet.  How sickening is that, that I had to see it?  You’re probably thinking it’s sickening enough to just be hearing about it.  I have watched at least 100 horror movies in my lifetime, and I have never ever seen anything as horrific as that day.

I just can’t make sense of it, and it’s only going to be worse for me tomorrow when I’ve had zero sleep AND am on my own all day with Andrew.  How am I supposed to be the best mom possible to him when I’m running on absolutely nothing?  I need to rest and heal emotionally, but even at that, I just don’t see this going away any time soon, and that scares me too.

Everything I felt that I was looking forward to feels like it is gone.  I don’t know where to start from now.  I don’t know how to look forward.  I’m too afraid the next thing I get excited about will be taken away from me too.

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