Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I feel sick


One week ago right at this moment I was in so much pain, emotionally with the knowledge that my baby had died, and physically with the pain of labouring him or her out of my body.  I still find it impossible to believe that my baby was birthed last week.  Can you even call it ‘birthed’ when they weren’t alive upon entering the world?  And then leaving even quicker than they came…

I guess it’s not surprising that for the past hour, I’ve been barfing my guts out.  I don’t feel any better after emptying all the contents of my stomach.  I feel wretched.  As is the most common thing you’ll hear me say lately, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

We went out for breakfast this morning with my mom and dad and my grandma, who came over for a visit for one night since she hasn’t seen us in several months.  Her visit was planned out before ‘it’ happened and I had hoped it would have been more of a fun get together, but it just wasn’t.  I found it so hard just to be out sitting at a restaurant, and it didn’t help that there was a baby at a table nearby.  She was crying and Andrew looked around the table at us all and said, ‘MY baby went away.’ 

It’s so hard dealing with my own pain, but even though Andrew doesn’t totally understand what has happened, or at least not the magnitude of it, I hate that I got his hopes up and made him believe he would be having a sibling soon.  Now I’m just so afraid that it might never happen.

And I feel sad that he is feeling vulnerable now.  Any time that he and I have to be separated, even for only a few minutes, he needs constant reassurance that ‘I will come back’ or that he will come back to me.  When the baby died, I told him that the baby had to go away and couldn’t stay with us.  So I think he’s worrying that the same thing might happen to him.  If I leave him with someone else, we might never see each other again.  I keep telling him that it’s different for us, that I could never, ever let him be away from me for long.  But he’s scared, and I completely understand his fear, because I feel it too.

I wish the world could just be put on hold for a little while.  I need time.  I need my husband to be able to be home with me through the day, not at work.  We can’t afford him taking any time off, so it’s not an option, I just feel so lonely and I want to be taken care of for a little while.  I wish I didn’t have to think.




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