I don't know what to do with myself, I really don't
I don’t like how the world is just supposed to keep going as per usual without my baby. I can’t stop feeling so negative about it. People are saying, ‘Oh, isn’t this weather we’ve been having the past few days beautiful? What a lovely Autumn we’re having!’ Yeah, well, I wouldn’t know, would I, because I’m afraid to leave the house!
I did go out today to help James pick up fire wood. We only paid $60 and we got a TON of wood. Too much for the little space we had in our storage for it, but we’ve managed to pile it all in there anyway. Then we got home and unloaded it all, and found out we’re not allowed to use our fireplace for at least another week because they’re waiting on clearance from some maintenance that has been done on them. Awesome. Just one more thing, right. I mean, why would life be simple enough that we could buy fire wood and actually enjoy a fire? No, that would just be too much of a good thing for me right now. Better to wait.
It was really hard for me to go out and get the fire wood, I feel so anxious about being out in public. I had to be careful about not over doing it with lifting the wood when we got it home, because I’m supposed to just be letting my body heal right now, but I did find it somewhat therapeutic to be putting it all in storage, at least it kept my mind on just what I was doing, and not everything else.
In between writing this I had a bit of a…meltdown. I just felt overwhelmed all of a sudden and I’m finding it very difficult to deal with the simplest of responsibilities. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone or anything right now, but I don’t have the option of shutting off completely from the world, because I have to look after Andrew. James has now taken him to the store and the park so I can have some time to myself, and I appreciate that, but it feels like it’s not enough. It’s not that I don’t want to be around Andrew, because I do. I love him so much. But I’m just so wrapped up in my own head right now and so sad and starting to feel angry as well and so beside myself…I don’t know how to have the right level of patience with him right now when he starts acting up. I have to figure out how to manage everything because tomorrow I’m on my own again. Yes, my parents can help me out some – but I can only ask them to help me so much. I know I have to be on my own a fair bit of the time, and I’m struggling with that fact at the moment. I barely eat, the sight of food is not pleasant to me, so I find it difficult feeding a boy who is constantly telling me he’s ‘hungy’. I do feed him and I manage but…it’s just so difficult to do.
I think that anger is really coming to the forefront now, another emotion I am not all that used to feeling. I want to lash out, but I don’t actually have anyone or anything to lash out to. I know this was no one’s fault, I’m just angry that this had to happen to me. I don’t know what to do with myself and it’s really, really getting me down.