Friday, October 14, 2011

For my baby


Oct 14/11

Dear Baby,

I don’t know what to refer to you as, other than ‘baby.’  I was going to say ‘you were supposed to be our second child’ but scrap that: you ARE our second child.  I miss you so much, 11 weeks in my belly was not enough time.

I don’t understand why you had to leave us so soon.  I saw you, I wish I had been able to hug you and hold you and make sure you knew how much I love you.  I don’t know why things had to work out the way that they did, and I don’t think I’ll ever gain closure on that.  But even in the tiny glimpse I was able to get of you, I thought you were perfect and precious.  My only wish is that you didn’t have to go.

I will always wonder who you would have become.  I’m sorry I never got the chance to properly know you.  I guess I need to stop being so focused on the fact that physically you are no longer with me, and instead remember that you live on in my heart.  I feel connected to you in spirit, I just wish I had more means of identifying you.  I really feel so wretchedly awful that we never got to properly know each other, that I never got to hear or see your little heart beat, that there were no kicks and squirms to be seen on the ultrasound.  I wish I at least had a picture of you.  I feel so empty without you.

I hope to one day have another successful pregnancy, but I want you to know that no other baby will replace you for me.  You are special to me, even if we barely had any time.  I’m so so sorry baby, if it was something that I did.  I thought I was doing my very best to take care of you, I really did.  I’m so sorry that this had to happen to you.

I love you Baby, and I promise to never forget you.

Love Always,
your Mommy

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