Saturday, October 22, 2011

Fire, Fire! said Mrs McGuire


I ran into the building manager yesterday and she gave the go ahead to use our fireplace.  So this morning James started our first fire of the season, and we’ve had it going all day.  We don’t want to rip through the wood too quickly, but it’s just so cozy, and tempting to put in log after log.  I like the crackling sound, the warmth, and just watching the flames lick the wood.  I’m so glad we have a fireplace here, and tons of fire wood in our storage to see us through the next few months.
 
I had another meltdown last night, though it was good for me to have gotten out for part of the day.  My mom and I even went out for lunch together.  I just find that my sad-state never fully goes away, not even close, no matter what I’m doing.  I was outright crying one minute in the car, talking about things with my mom, and then collected myself and went into Safeway for a few things.  I’m able to keep my cool when I have to, but if anyone had been shopping right by me they’d probably wonder what my problem was, because I found myself deep-sighing a lot and just not wanting to be there.  I got through it though, and I made yummy tacos for our supper.  I also got Andrew a Haunted House gingerbread kit so when we got back to my parents’ place he and my mom put it together while I got the tacos ready.
 
Andrew LOVES tacos, just like his mommy and daddy do.  Shortly after James and I got married, my bro and sil got us a dvd version of The Newlywed Game.  One of the questions was what we’d prepare for dinner if the leader of some foreign country was coming to our house.  James and I got full points for that one – we both said TACOS!!  It’s our favourite meal, and I love how it’s so easy to make yet also so healthy.  It was something Andrew took to from pretty early on, and now he’s a master at building his own taco.  It was really cute watching him put it together and eat it, and my parents couldn’t believe how much he ate and how quickly.  That’s our boy!!

I had a pretty rough night last night, there is a lot that I have to work at coming to terms with.  I’m not finding it the least bit easy.  I’ve done OK today so far, but I’m starting to get restless and I find when I get to this point of the day it’s not a good thing.  I just don’t know what to do with myself, and I start feeling a bit desperate.  I know it’ll just take time, but it’s so frustrating feeling this way all the time.  It’s really, really hard.
  
A card from my Nana, flowers from our landlord, and the angel figurine that I keep on the mantel now.
I’ve been trying to keep busy, but I’m also very tired.  I feel like I need to continue to talk about it and try to work through it, but I also feel like a broken record.  I see my family doctor (finally) on Monday, so maybe he’ll be able to shed some light on this process…but otherwise I’m pretty sure I’m going to find a counsellor to talk to.  I just don’t think this is something I can work through on my own.  Even when I start thinking about it more ‘practically’ or whatever, it still hurts, and there are certain aspects to it that I’m not clear how I can ever move away from.  In particular my aloneness in it all.  Sure, people care about me, don’t want me to be hurting, and will help in whatever way they can.  And I really do appreciate that and don’t want to minimize how much that means to me.  But ultimately, no one feels as strongly about this as I do.  No one else truly feels the loss, the loss of an actual baby.  Not even James, and that’s something that hurts a lot that I need help with.  I get that he didn’t carry it/birth it/watch it get flushed away.  I understand why all those things would make him feel less close to the baby than I did.  But it’s still hard, nonetheless, to watch him be able to just move on in life as if nothing is wrong.  I really do feel like I’m the only person who is ever going to remember than I’ve had 2 kids, not just one, and I’m not sure how to work through the pain of that without some serious help.  Who knows, maybe counselling is just the thing I need.  I just worry about the cost of it because, let’s face it, talking about one thing is going to lead into another…and another…I don’t see this taking just a session or two!  But I guess only time will tell.

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