Don't bother reading if you're sick of my blah posts
Whatever I am doing, it doesn’t matter – I just want to scream IT HURTS! I HATE THIS! I CAN’T STAND THE WAY I FEEL! I’M SAAAAAD! I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO! HELP ME! AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I don’t even think THAT would make me feel any better, but I just have this urge to scream about it.
Yes, I can focus on other things, and I do. I’m pretty good at ‘keeping busy.’ But it kind of sucks busying yourself to shut your mind off what it gravitates towards, only to eventually be un-busy and find it jumping right back there anyway.
When will this feeling go away? When will I be happy-in-general again? When will I feel like talking about more positive things because I actually see things as positive?
I hate the phantom pregnancy symptoms I still occasionally have. It’s only once in a while but I’ll actually feel some sort of movement in my belly and for a moment I’ll think, whoa, it’s the baby, and then I am reminded. Reminded I am hollow.
I have a fire going, I’m waiting for my boys to get home (they’re late). We’re even having poutine tonight from my (and Andrew’s) favourite (well, one and only, really) poutine place. I should just be enjoying all these little things – usually a cozy fire would be enough to make me feel content with whatever else. But the ‘whatever else’ is ripping me to shreds. I am soooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad and I’m also so sick of it! I don’t understand any of this any better now than I did when it happened. I don’t know how to feel better. I just have this ‘glum’ thing going on that has completely taken over my life, or so it feels. I don’t want to do much of anything, but if I do nothing I get into a right state. So what am I supposed to do with myself??!!!!
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I wish I could press the ‘resume regular life’ button and everything would fall back into place.