Don't bother reading if you're sick of my blah posts

Whatever I am doing, it doesn’t matter – I just want to scream IT HURTS!  I HATE THIS!  I CAN’T STAND THE WAY I FEEL!  I’M SAAAAAD!  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!  HELP ME!  AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even think THAT would make me feel any better, but I just have this urge to scream about it.

Yes, I can focus on other things, and I do.  I’m pretty good at ‘keeping busy.’  But it kind of sucks busying yourself to shut your mind off what it gravitates towards, only to eventually be un-busy and find it jumping right back there anyway. 

When will this feeling go away?  When will I be happy-in-general again?  When will I feel like talking about more positive things because I actually see things as positive?

I hate the phantom pregnancy symptoms I still occasionally have.  It’s only once in a while but I’ll actually feel some sort of movement in my belly and for a moment I’ll think, whoa, it’s the baby, and then I am reminded.  Reminded I am hollow.

I have a fire going, I’m waiting for my boys to get home (they’re late).  We’re even having poutine tonight from my (and Andrew’s) favourite (well, one and only, really) poutine place.  I should just be enjoying all these little things – usually a cozy fire would be enough to make me feel content with whatever else.  But the ‘whatever else’ is ripping me to shreds.  I am soooooooooooo saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad and I’m also so sick of it!  I don’t understand any of this any better now than I did when it happened.  I don’t know how to feel better.  I just have this ‘glum’ thing going on that has completely taken over my life, or so it feels.  I don’t want to do much of anything, but if I do nothing I get into a right state.  So what am I supposed to do with myself??!!!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  I wish I could press the ‘resume regular life’ button and everything would fall back into place.


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