The depths of despair...

I am soooooooooooooooooo depressed.

Today a couple of Andrew’s library books were due, and I wasn’t able to renew them so I had no choice but to *gasp* go out in public.

I really don’t feel like going out at all right now.  But I had no choice. 

Luckily my dad drove us and then we popped into Safeway so I could get a few things, so I shouldn’t have to go anywhere all weekend.  Well, we MIGHT go somewhere to buy some firewood, but that would be the absolute most I plan on doing in terms of going anywhere.

I know, I know, sitting at home like a hermit isn’t the answer, but cut me some slack!  I’m sad, and my body needs to heal too.  I’ve been having mild contractions off and on – I call them contractions and not cramps because they really do feel harsher than just a ‘cramp.’  I bleed less and think it’s going away, and then I start bleeding more again.  I need to just lay low and try to take care of myself. 

I talked more in depth with my mom today about everything.  I had pretty much told her everything already, but I was trying to shelter her from the last part, of the baby being taken from me so harshly.  I really would have preferred she didn’t have to think about that at all.  But, like she said, she’s my mom, and she needed to know the whole story.  I guess in some ways it’s a relief to have told her, because she probably better understands now more than ever how difficult a process this is going to be for me to get through.  She recommended I get some counselling, and I’m thinking that probably I will.  My old midwife recommended someone and I’ve looked her up and she sounds amazing, so maybe I should call her.  I still think I need to wait a little bit longer though.  I still feel like I’m processing it in my mind, although it’s on this crazy loop that is bordering on making me go insane.  …….

I can’t get over the depth of the sadness.  Never in my life have I felt this kind of pain, it’s different from anything else.  I can’t even explain it.  And I just feel so A-L-O-N-E, even though I know I’m not.  I have several really supportive friends that are amazing in situations like this, and one in particular who has gone through several miscarriages and completely 100% gets it.  But I still feel so isolated and lonely, sad and scared, glum as can be.  I can’t shake it at all.

I decided to purchase a necklace to wear as a symbol of my baby.  How I came up with that is that I’ve been feeling such a sense of desperation for something to hold onto.  Obviously I can hold onto Andrew, and I can hold onto James, but I have this ache to hold onto my baby.  And I can’t do that, so I thought about what I could hold as a symbol of my love for them.  I thought a necklace would be nice because then I can hold onto it when I might not be feeling really strong, and I will think of that energy going from me to my baby.  I just wish so much that he or she could BE WITH ME.  Although even though I’m not at all religious, I do believe in some level of spirituality, and I really want to believe that their little tiny spirit is in me.  I really do feel a sense of my baby with me, I could never ever let them go completely.

So this necklace I found is actually called Eternally Loved, and is made by a woman who lost a child too.  It has a small gemstone in the middle and I chose the opal gemstone for October.  Our ultrasound to find out baby’s due date was scheduled for yesterday, but we never made it that far.  It would have been either April or May, but since I didn’t find out which it was, I thought it was more fitting to go with October, since ultimately that is when my baby was born.  I look forward to having that to wear, so that I might find some comfort and somehow feel a little closer to my little angel baby.


Lojo said…
I really like the idea of the necklace, and the letter you wrote is beautiful.

(And pssst, you did nothing wrong, xoxox).

You know how my psychic told me to read that book to help connect with my "ADHD spirit baby?" There's a chapter in that book about miscarriage, and the author, who claims to spiritually communicate with spirits waiting to "transcend into physical form," says that some spirits just aren't ready to be in the physical form, that mid way through they get cold feet and decide to stay in the spirit realm, which according to metaphysical believers, is a pretty comfy place. He also says that even though some spirit babies get cold feet, they often stay with their chosen parent, and follow them around. He says that he can literally see these balls of colorful light flying around people's heads. According to him, some miscarried souls will come through in another pregnancy, if they are ready at a later time. He suggests talking to these baby spirits, whether verbally or through meditation.

I thought that maybe this would give you a little comfort. According to "sixth sense people," there is so much more to this world than the physical realm-- we just can't see it. If you feel like the spirit of your baby is still with you, I am sure it is.

If you ever want to talk to my psychic ninja, presumably when you're feeling stronger, I can arrange an appointment for you, and the cost would be on me. She exudes an incredible amount of love-- I can't quite describe it. Despite my watery, inconclusive feelings about, well, psychic stuff, if I ever feel the need to talk to someone again, I will call her before making an appointment with a legit counselor. When I say that I am not down playing the greatness of counselors, either-- I really do support the suggestion of you talking with one as they can be immensely refocusing. My experience with my psychic was just . . . different than my experiences with counselors and psychologists. It was like lifting a veil and seeing the fluidity of life . . like a hug for the soul.


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