Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The day after


First of all, I just want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you for your thoughts and support here on my blog.  This is such an important outlet for me, and I appreciate so much that I have you guys to ‘talk’ to and hear encouragement from.  It really does help a lot and I can’t thank you all enough.

I’ve had a really up and down sort of day today.  Well, my ‘ups’ were never really all that uppity, but…yeah.

I ended up taking a pill to make me a little more calm last night, it didn’t seem to be doing anything because I don’t think it was possible for me to be fully calm.  But eventually I was tired enough to go to bed, and I fell asleep faster than usual.  I slept fairly soundly for about 5 hours straight, which is EXTREMELY rare for me, so even tho 5 hours isn’t a lot of sleep over all, for me it felt like I’d actually got a lot of rest.  I woke up just after 6 and immediately burst into tears, so I got up and cried my eyes out on the couch for about 15 minutes, till Andrew came bounding down the hall to see me and James got up to get ready for work.

I just felt so glum, and had a really hard time forcing myself out of the funk I felt myself in.  I have to try to be strong for Andrew though.  After James left (he said he’d stay home with me again today but ultimately he won’t get paid for those days and we can’t afford that if possible) I did my best to shake myself off, and did what he suggested, which was to focus on my usual routines.  So I did some of our usual morning stuff, and then sat down with Andrew to watch one of his morning shows.  I was trying hard to stay focused, but then I found myself crying again.  Andrew said to me, ‘You sad?’  And I said, ‘Yes, a little bit sad, but it’s OK.  It’s normal, and it will get better.’  He said, ‘You sad about the baby?  It popped out and had to go away?’  I don’t know where he got the ‘popped out’ bit…Maybe when I was still pregnant and thought things were going normally, I at some point said something about how many months from now the baby would ‘pop out’, although I can’t actually remember saying that!  It was a little tough hearing him say that, but I know he didn’t truly know what he was saying. 

I made a point to tell Andrew that I’m sad because I didn’t know the baby was going to have to leave us so soon, but that we WILL work through it, and that ultimately I won’t be having so many problems anymore (feeling sick, uncomfortable, headaches, the many complaints he’s been hearing from me the past few weeks!)  I’ve noticed that because I’ve had so many things going on, he tells us he does too.  I’d say I have a tummy ache, and within an hour he’d be complaining of stomach problems.  Or just saying, ‘I’m sick’ in general, when it’s obvious he’s not.  I want that pattern to stop, and I know that when I’m feeling well again, he’s not going to be acting like a little hypochondriac!

Anyway, I ended up keeping busy by doing a lot of chores around the house.  For the past little while I’ve felt so tired and unwell that I’ve let a lot slide that I would normally do on a regular basis.  So I felt good about taking care of some things while I had a bit of energy.  I know I SHOULD just be resting (and I plan on doing a lot of resting tomorrow) but if I stopped and was idle, I found myself crying, so I was doing stuff to keep my mind occupied.  After a while though, when the main chores were out of the way, I felt myself crashing and feeling quite tired and a bit sore, so I stopped and after I fed Andrew some lunch we went over to my mom and dad’s.

I played some games on their xbox and we just hung out, and my mom entertained the boy.  My dad went to lay down – While of course my mom is hurting a lot for us too, my dad seems to really be taking this miscarriage hard, and I feel so bad that it’s affecting him so much.  Of course it would, I’m not ‘surprised’ that it’s hard on him, but after all my parents have been through this year, it’s just so heartbreaking that yet another thing is tearing us up. 

I did really well at keeping it together at my parents’ place.  I don’t like crying in front of people, I will cry in front of James but I generally prefer crying alone if I cry at all.  On a regular basis, I rarely cry.  Maybe a few times a year, depending on what might be happening.  I get sentimental teary-eyed over things relatively easily, but crying because I’m oh-so-sad, not so much.  So I just didn’t want to be sobbing at my parents’ place if I could help it, even though I know it is totally OK to.  I was doing so well, but toward the end of the visit I just broke down and talked about how I just don’t know how to compartmentalize this.  I don’t know what to do, I feel so helpless.  What can anyone say, right?  I appreciate so far what everyone I’ve talked to has said to me, but nothing can change what happened and that’s what’s killing me.

Back tracking a little bit, I had messaged an old friend last night with the news of what happened because I’d just sent her a long message a few days earlier going on about the pregnancy and how excited I was etc. I didn’t want her to respond to that message and then me have to let her know what happened, so I wanted to let her know right away.  She called me this morning and I got a lot out and felt a bit stronger after our conversation.  It really is amazing the power of having someone to talk to in a difficult situation.  We have a lot in common her and I – our first children were born 3 days apart, for one thing.  It felt good (maybe good’s not the word, but it was a relief I guess) to be able to talk to someone.  After I talked to her, I called the midwife and let them know what happened.  I only met with them once so I didn’t feel a great need to chat with them about my experience, I just basically said my goodbyes since obviously we won’t be continuing care.  I will say though that they are very caring, and said if I needed to talk to someone I can feel free to page any of the midwives from the team I was given at any time.  I can’t see myself following through with that, but it’s nice to know they are there if I do need them.

Luckily my mom made some pasta for me to bring home for our supper as there’s no way I felt up to cooking.  I felt nauseous and barely ate anything myself.  In fact, I’ve hardly eaten at all today and I know that’s not good – it’s not that I’m deliberately not taking care of myself, it’s that I have no appetite whatsoever.  Me, Elizabeth, the constant grazer, with no appetite = unheard of!  But I really don’t at all. 

I cried a lot tonight, and I got a bit upset with James because I felt he was being somewhat insensitive.  Not directly toward me, but basically he called someone to let them know what happened, and then immediately they started having a conversation about something totally trivial.  He felt he had an explanation for it, but in my state I saw it as insensitive because I don’t get how you can tell a family member about the loss of our baby and then go on to chat about other things that ultimately could have waited for another time.  James did feel blue today, but I am grieving a lot harder than he is, which is natural given that the baby was alive in me, died in me, and I laboured it out.  It essentially feels like it was MY baby, and I have to come to terms with a lot of things for myself.

Anyway, I wasn’t REALLY mad at James, obviously it’s just my emotions running high and I’m very easily frazzled at the moment.  Well it broke my heart a little bit when Andrew called me to the living room (James and I were in the hallway talking, though I was definitely raising my voice with him quite a bit) and Andrew asked me, ‘Mommy, are you mad at Daddy?’  That made me stop in my tracks and I really felt bad because it’s more complicated than me just going through this, and I have to remember that as best as I can.  Andrew is taking A LOT of this in, and I don’t want him to be stressed out or worried that things are bad between me and James or anything else.  I told him No, that I wasn’t mad at Daddy, that sometimes when people are sad about something they react in ways they shouldn’t, and I was sorry for yelling at Daddy.  I tried to explain to him further a little later that I was sorry and that I am just having a bit of a hard time dealing with the loss of the baby, but I reassured him it’s normal to go through this and it WILL get better.  He takes a lot in, but I know he also doesn’t ‘get’ all of it, so I’m hoping that what he is taking from it isn’t traumatizing to him or anything.  I’d like to think we’re doing the best we can to explain things to him.  I want to shelter him somewhat, but I also speak quite freely to James with Andrew present, and I’m not sure if people would say that’s good or not, but I’m not sure how else to be.  Of course James and I talk a lot more deeply about everything once Andrew is sleeping, but we still discuss things somewhat openly in front of him.  I think at his age it’s still basically OK but I wonder if it will become less appropriate as he’s older, or maybe I don’t want to shelter him toooo much?  I don’t know yet, and obviously that’s not something I’m going to be figuring out any time soon!

Anyway, it was a bit of a rough day/night, but I still tried my best to make light and be ‘fun’ with Andrew, and I did have him in stitches quite a few times tickling him or telling him funny and silly things etc.  It wasn’t all doom and gloom, except maybe in my heart (dramatic sounding, I know, but it’s true right now!)

I have so much more that I need to let out about this.  I just need to think more and process more in my head right now.  I keep thinking of things I need to let out and try to figure out/come to terms with, but I’ll leave it at this for now.

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