At a loss for words, and everything else
I didn’t get much sleep last night due to Andrew waking both James and I up through the night, so I feel exhausted and cranky this morning. It’s bad enough feeling that on a ‘good’ day, but going through this process of grief along with it is a bit too much.
I feel so very alone in all of this, but not because I don’t have wonderful support, because I do. I find myself going on and on and on and on…and on…about what happened constantly, it’s all I can think about and my only real focus. I can’t let go of it. I know it’s early days, and I don’t have to let go of it, but…I just feel very lost, alone, afraid, tired, regretful. Whereas a week ago I was still pregnant, with so many hopes and dreams, and my baby still alive.
I’ve been bleeding a fair bit, yesterday being worse than the day before. I hope everything clears up on its own so I don’t have to have surgery to have anything removed that might be lingering. I just want this to be over, even though I know it will never fully be over. I will always have lost this baby. But I’m tired of that extra constant reminder of blood every time I go to the bathroom.
Sigh. What can I say. There’s nothing I can say right now. I love that I have Andrew and I’m grateful that he keeps me busy, but right now I just want to curl up under the covers and sleep, sleep, sleep. I don’t have that option at the moment though. I just don’t have the desire to do regular every day things right now, no desire whatsoever. I want to hide and just think about my baby.