Friday, October 14, 2011

At a loss for words, and everything else


I didn’t get much sleep last night due to Andrew waking both James and I up through the night, so I feel exhausted and cranky this morning.  It’s bad enough feeling that on a ‘good’ day, but going through this process of grief along with it is a bit too much.

I feel so very alone in all of this, but not because I don’t have wonderful support, because I do.  I find myself going on and on and on and on…and on…about what happened constantly, it’s all I can think about and my only real focus.  I can’t let go of it.  I know it’s early days, and I don’t have to let go of it, but…I just feel very lost, alone, afraid, tired, regretful.  Whereas a week ago I was still pregnant, with so many hopes and dreams, and my baby still alive.

I’ve been bleeding a fair bit, yesterday being worse than the day before.  I hope everything clears up on its own so I don’t have to have surgery to have anything removed that might be lingering.  I just want this to be over, even though I know it will never fully be over.  I will always have lost this baby.  But I’m tired of that extra constant reminder of blood every time I go to the bathroom. 

Sigh.  What can I say.  There’s nothing I can say right now.  I love that I have Andrew and I’m grateful that he keeps me busy, but right now I just want to curl up under the covers and sleep, sleep, sleep.  I don’t have that option at the moment though.  I just don’t have the desire to do regular every day things right now, no desire whatsoever.  I want to hide and just think about my baby.

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