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Showing posts from October, 2011

Happy Halloween

Two years ago today, Andrew took his first steps at 10 months old.  I can’t believe that was 2 years ago!  He was my little Devilled Egg that day, in his homemade (by Momma) costume.

Last year, he went as Bamm Bamm, (bought online) and while he wasn’t entirely cooperative for pictures, he wore his costume for hours and loved it.
He is at one of the cutest ages now for dressing up and being adorable.  BUT he’s also in his terrible twos.  So OF COURSE he is resistant to costume wearing this year!  We told him he could literally be ANYTHING…except a nudist – which is what he decided…’I’m going trick or treating NAKED’ he said…but yeah, that’s…inappropriate, and not happening!  His birthday suit is not a costume!
He had his pick of literally ANY costume out there, at various Halloween stores.  I was practically begging him to pick something, but all he would get was a cat mask that looks more like it should be for an adult, but whatevs, it was a start so we went with it.  From there, though,…

I will never know why

It’s not healthy.
It’s not healthy the way I keep going over and over and over and over and over in my mind –
How it happened, how it could have been different.
I will never figure out the ‘why’;
I constantly think about the way my baby was taken away after only a glance.Why did something so unfair have to happen?As if the baby coming out of my body so prematurely wasn’t bad enough.But to be robbed of the one moment in time I could have shared with my little child?Why was I not given the opportunity to hold my baby?To possibly find out if it was a boy or girl?To possibly find out why it didn’t survive in the first place?
For people who believe that everything happens for a reason, then there was some reason behind WHY I was not supposed or allowed to see my little baby up close.There has to be a REASON for why the only memory I will ever have is of my baby in its gestational sac, one moment lying so still in the toilet bowl, the next its little body being whisked away to the most horrible …

Don't bother reading if you're sick of my blah posts

Whatever I am doing, it doesn’t matter – I just want to scream IT HURTS!I HATE THIS!I CAN’T STAND THE WAY I FEEL!I’M SAAAAAD!I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!HELP ME!AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I don’t even think THAT would make me feel any better, but I just have this urge to scream about it.
Yes, I can focus on other things, and I do.I’m pretty good at ‘keeping busy.’But it kind of sucks busying yourself to shut your mind off what it gravitates towards, only to eventually be un-busy and find it jumping right back there anyway.
When will this feeling go away?When will I be happy-in-general again?When will I feel like talking about more positive things because I actually see things as positive?
I hate the phantom pregnancy symptoms I still occasionally have.It’s only once in a while but I’ll actually feel some sort of movement in my belly and for a moment I’ll think, whoa, it’s the baby, and then I am reminded.Reminded I am hollow.
I have a fire going, I’m waiting for my boys to get home (they’re late).W…

Keeping busy

Yesterday I swept and washed the floors, even steam mopped the tiles in the bathroom and hallway.  I’m glad I was able to get that out of the way with Andrew around, he was really good about not walking on them until they were dry. 
Today I still felt the strong need to keep really busy – after a pretty good sleep in till almost 11am, since the boy is with his nana today.  I took 1 ½ sleeping pills last night and then ended up taking one more half before I went to bed, so I’d sleep better – and I think it worked.  I plan on taking them for the next 2 nights and then it’s time to start clearing my system out.  I’m a little worried about how that’s going to go, but I have to do it.
Today I puttered about, did some tidying in our bedroom and ironed for close to 2 hours – and STILL there are 10 shirts left to do!  Ugh.  I kept telling myself to just plow through and get it ALL done but then I was so bored of it and didn’t want to feel like I’d wasted all my time on the chore I hate the mos…

This SUCKS

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I was doing ‘okay’ today, not great but alright, and then all of a sudden around 3-4pm it started to feel as if the whole world was crumbling around me. I can’t say ‘I don’t know what happened’ since obviously I KNOW what the pain is ABOUT…but it just comes out of nowhere sometimes.I didn’t think I was consciously ‘thinking about it’ – I had just booked tickets to take Andrew to Toy Story 3 Disney on Ice next month and he was excited about it, so I should have been happy in that particular moment…But it seemed like I bought the tickets, shut the lid on my computer, and this tidal wave of depression smacked me in the face and just floored me.
Not to say I started crying or anything, I actually think I did a decent job of hiding how I was feeling from Andrew.He was a really good boy for me in general today so it’s not like it took a ton of effort, but I made sure to stay really patient with him and did my best to focus on the games we were playing.It’s just so hard when that feeling hits…

Time...

I got my hair done today, and I decided to go for a ‘new look’.  My hair was ‘finally’ getting long, but all it did was make me feel like I was being strangled.  I think I like the idea of having long hair, but in reality I don’t enjoy the way it feels and once it reaches a certain point on me, I’m too tempted to just put it in a ponytail.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll take a picture of it for your viewing pleasure – ha! – we’ll see!  It’s just past my shoulders, much darker with lots of red and subtle plum coloured highlights.  Apparently the plum will become more noticeable as it washes out a little bit.  It feels so much better and even though it’ll take some getting used to because it’s quite a difference, it feels like a nice change.  I love how much lighter it is!
Since my hairdresser is downtown, I met up with James after work and we shared a meal at Earl’s.  We didn’t want to be spending too much given we just went on a somewhat more lavish date the other night.  It’s interesting how diff…

I can see you lurking at me!

I know people who big-time self-promote their blogs would scoff at the ‘low’ number of people who read my blog each day…But in the past week or so, I’m getting close to 50 hits per day, which for me is A LOT!  I’m used to a few a day, and generally the same people at that…So I’m feeling somewhat ‘exposed’ here, and wondering who is reading my blog.  Obviously there are my regular readers who also comment from time to time, and those who I know read my blog but tend not to comment.  But who are the rest of you?  I promise I won’t bite – I would love to hear from you and know something about you/what brings you to my blog.  Come on people, my ‘new’ blog template makes it pretty obvious when I’ve got ‘0’ comments on a post!  Let’s liven things up here a little!
Also, what do people with comment-success on their blogs write that seems to help generate comments?  Not that I’m totally comment hungry – I really just write my blog as my personal release because if I didn’t the thoughts in my h…

Relieved by how it went

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I wrote this last night but didn't get a chance to post it...
I had my doctor’s appointment today (Monday).I was SO nervous leading up to it, the anticipation was getting to be too much. BUT it went probably even better than I had hoped it would.Right now (10pm) I have a raging headache, in part I think because of the build up of the day leading to the appointment, then having it…then having 2 glasses of wine, when normally I never drink at all…The combo of everything has given me a migraine, but interestingly I feel a little bit stronger emotionally and, dare I say it, an inkling of hope for the future!
I met up with James at his work place and we made our way to the doctor’s office together.We were taken to the room to wait for the doctor, and while we were in there James was doing everything in his power to get me to laugh, hoping that would relax me a little bit since I was so wrought up.Well, of course, JUST as he got me laughing, the doctor walked in.He didn’t know why we wer…

Things will be different next time...they have to be

After going through a miscarriage, I think I’ll take a different approach to pregnancy.Obviously I’ll be very worried about anything going wrong, so I’ll be very conscious of absolutely EVERYTHING I am doing/eating/ETC.How can you tell I’m in a stage of self-blame?I know it couldn’t have been anything I did purposely, but still…I do feel like my body failed me, and I wish I could have done things differently to know if maybe then my baby would still be with me.
If I get pregnant again, I want to get an EARLY ultrasound.Like, as in not long after I find out I’m pregnant.Around 8 weeks maybe?I also don’t want to obsess over finding out if I’m pregnant or not.I will live life as if I AM pregnant – so no drinking, no pill taking, not even Tylenol.No home pregnancy tests till I’m AT LEAST a week late with my period – which could be difficult anyway given I have no idea what my periods will be like or if they’ll be regular like they used to be, after going through this.
I not only want an ear…

Dealing with the grief...one day at a time

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I’m having anxiety over my doctor’s appointment tomorrow.In some ways I know it’s going to be a relief to talk to him, at least maybe get some information, such as when I might expect my next period, how long we should wait before trying to get pregnant, that sort of thing.But I think I feel nervous because I’ll have to talk about ‘it’ – and even though most days it’s all I do anyway (to James, my mom, here on my blog, miscarriage forums…) I just feel anxious about having to start from the beginning with someone again.Even if it IS my doctor.Who, thankfully, I really like a lot and so far have a lot of respect for, and hope SO BADLY that he is kind to me tomorrow – because I don’t think I can handle it if I feel mistreated by another health professional at the moment.In particular my own doctor!

I find it difficult in some ways because I’m the type of person who generally doesn’t show it if I’m feeling emotional, I’m pretty good at remaining ‘level’, especially in public.I don’t feel …

Making an effort

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While the boys are out on a bike ride, I have some quiet time to write.  I just lit a fire in the fireplace and I’m enjoying the cozyness of it.
We didn’t leave the house yesterday and I think James and I were both feeling a bit stir crazy as a result.  Not that I’m not used to staying in, since lately I haven’t felt up to doing much of anything and try to avoid people like the plague.  It’s so sunny out today, though, so it seemed a shame even to me to ‘waste’ the entire thing sitting indoors.
We finally convinced Andrew it was a good idea to get out there (he’s even more of a home body than me).  It took forever to get his squirmy little self dressed and ready, but then once he had his new outfit on (GG, his great grandma, bought him some new clothes when she was over last week) and checked himself out in the mirror, he was raring to go.  I told him he looked like a little model and that made him stop crying and laugh and smile at himself.  Priceless!  I even put gel in his hair, beca…

Fire, Fire! said Mrs McGuire

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I ran into the building manager yesterday and she gave the go ahead to use our fireplace.  So this morning James started our first fire of the season, and we’ve had it going all day.  We don’t want to rip through the wood too quickly, but it’s just so cozy, and tempting to put in log after log.  I like the crackling sound, the warmth, and just watching the flames lick the wood.  I’m so glad we have a fireplace here, and tons of fire wood in our storage to see us through the next few months. I had another meltdown last night, though it was good for me to have gotten out for part of the day.  My mom and I even went out for lunch together.  I just find that my sad-state never fully goes away, not even close, no matter what I’m doing.  I was outright crying one minute in the car, talking about things with my mom, and then collected myself and went into Safeway for a few things.  I’m able to keep my cool when I have to, but if anyone had been shopping right by me they’d probably wonder what…

One thing at a time

It’s pouring with rain today, a good day to stay cozy inside.Although I plan on actually venturing out today!Is it a good sign that I opened the blinds this morning and actually kept them open?!Yesterday I had them open for all of 5 minutes, then just felt too vulnerable to the world and shut them.I think it’s probably for the best that I’m not staying home all day today.
I can’t wait till we can get clearance to actually enjoy a fire in our fireplace!We have all this wood and we’ve yet to be told we can start using it.I think it will feel quite relaxing to sit in front of the fire and watch the sparks fly.Hopefully this weekend.
I really kind of desperately need something to look forward to.I feel like the only thing I want to look forward to is having a baby.It’s freaking me out, but it’s what I so desperately want.Not right away but…Look at it this way – if we wait several months, we’re liable to have another Christmas baby assuming the pregnancy goes to full term.I don’t want anothe…

Pictures from before

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I just unloaded some pictures from my camera.  I haven't really used my camera at all since 'it' happened.  I found it a little difficult to look through my pictures from about a week before my miscarriage, because it made me think about how differently I feel about so many things now, things I had no idea about when these pictures were taken.  As well, I discovered I'd taken a few pictures of myself with my pregnant belly that I'd forgotten about.  It made me sad looking at them, but strangely comforted too.
First, some pictures from our outing to Hume Park in New West on the Saturday of Thanksgiving long weekend. 


And our Halloween cookie making project that was meant for closer to Halloween, but of course as soon as Andrew saw the kit he wanted to open it!
Holding up his first decorated pumpkin cookie...
And I thought I might as well include them...Pictures of me taken a few days before my miscarriage.  Little did I know what was about to happen...Here I am, so ha…

Wake up and Say Goodbye

I’ve had a bit of a tough time choosing music to listen to this past week.Mainly, I didn’t want to end up associating an album I love with this particular time in my life and have it ruined for me.
Today when I decided to do a major clean of the kitchen (including taking everything off the counters, wiping down, and rearranging a little bit), I chose David Usher’s Wake Up and Say Goodbye.I wanted to listen to his music, but was a little hesitant at first.That particular album was one I listened to A LOT while I was pregnant with Andrew.We went to his concert at the Commodore and I swear that Andy was dancing to the music inside my belly!He loved David Usher once he was born, too, so I’m pretty sure he heard the music and liked it since before day 1.

In a way I found it comforting to listen to the cd, and have some happy memories from my first pregnancy at the forefront for a change.I want to think about happier things, though my mind always seems to drift back to my little angel Baby#2…