Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Time flies when you're having fun!


I find it interesting how we’re constantly searching for ourselves.  Who am I?  What do I do?  What are my hobbies?  How would other people describe me?  What am I doing with my life?

I found throughout most of my twenties I lived very much in my own head and I was constantly contemplating who I would be and what I would become.  I still live very much in my own head, but I don’t dwell QUITE as much on trying to figure it all out.  Maybe that’s because of the phase I’m in right now.  Ask me again in 5, 10 years, I might feel differently then, who knows.

I still feel a somewhat intense sort of ‘time pressure.’  The whole wanting to live life like each day could be my last…It’s tough because if there aren’t enough hours in the day just to keep on top of the household chores, not to mention make sure I’m providing Andrew the most enriching life possible – how on earth can one also be expected to have achieved everything they had hoped to so as to be able to live each day like it would be A-OK for it to be the last one?!  NOT. POSSIBLE., if you ask me!

In part I think right now it’s the pace my life is going at that makes me not worry as much, or at least not as often, about figuring out ‘who I am’.  I’m a mom, number one.  And my role keeps me pretty busy, what with all the wall bouncing and jungle gym playing on Andrew’s part, and obviously nurturing and just going through all the motions involved in day to day life taking care of a little one.  Time goes by SO FAST – James and I were just talking tonight about how I’m in week 8 of pregnancy already, which is ‘early’ in terms of the timeline of a full pregnancy, but it’s also just going by sodamnfast because it felt like just yesterday I was wanting to take a pregnancy test when I knew it was too early to even detect anything!  How could I already be in week 8?!  I feel like we’re going to blink our eyes and before we know it, we’ll be bringing baby#2 home.  Another blink and I’ll be looking back over these blog posts, wondering how I ever lived WITHOUT baby#2, another blink and my ‘baby boy’ will be heading off to Kindergarten (a thought I don’t even want to THINK because I can’t imagine Andrew not being home with his Momma!!)

Time didn’t seem to fly by so quickly when I was younger.  It just seems in the past several years that it’s all going by at the speed of light.

And that should probably be putting even more intense pressure on me to ‘have it all figured out’ – because even though I hope I DO have a lot of time left, if it continues to go by so quickly it’s going to be over before I know it!

I’m not trying to turn this into a depressing post.  I’m not watching my life flash before my eyes, I’m just saying that…what AM I saying exactly?!  I don’t even know.  I’m going to blame it on pregnancy amnesia and say I’ve forgotten where I was going with this!!

Suffice it to say…I don’t have that same angst-y sort of feeling that I did when I was younger.  I think, though, that it’s probably because I felt like something was missing but I didn’t know what.  Having Andrew filled a void for me that I no longer think about.  Essentially he is all that matters, and the source of light that he is, and what I feel I accomplished just in bringing him into the world – that sense of purpose and pride, I suppose lends me the ability in the moment to say, Yes, I can live each moment like it’s my last!

But in reality, there ARE still things I feel I must do, and I should be actively doing them...

(To be continued)…

1 comment:

Lojo said...

I think the angst thing subsides with age, more or less, and the wisdom that for most of us, there are no defining moments when we "become" (fill in the blank), or when we actually write that defining ideal we used to contemplate as kids.

I'm struggling with the "one day at a time" thing, which is the only way I know how to keep my brain healthy-- trying to let go of what I once thought my life would be, because if I didn't, I'd be in the psych ward. It's hard to read the blogs of young mothers, like yourself, who speak of being so fulfilled by your children-- the missing puzzle pieces in your lives. Maybe if I felt fulfilled in other areas of my life, it wouldn't be quite so hard. My point is that if you feel fulfilled in even one or two aspects of your life, it truly is a blessing, and even though our society seems to constantly seek more, and more, and more fulfillment, it doesn't mean that it is some sort of social standard, like if you don't own the world in every aspect of your life you have somehow not reached your potential. As your children get older and become more independent, you will have more freedom to explore different avenues of "you", and meanwhile, you will have those two beautiful kids who you will also be a mother, too. And *that* is a really great thing. Ideally, we'd all like to live as though today is our last day, unfortunately, we still have to take care of loved ones, go to work to pay the bills, etc. I guess it's all in the little things-- just appreciating those small, daily blessings, even when they're sometimes wrapped in a shit sandwiches!

Hugs!



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