Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Symptoms kicking into high gear...

Yesterday (Monday) I had my first day of being ‘really’ sick during this pregnancy so far. I threw up numerous times and just generally felt very sick and very tired throughout the day. Not fun! It’s a challenge for sure. When I was pregnant with Andrew I had no one to look after but myself, but now I’ve got him to think about. He was pretty good with me yesterday. I managed to still play with him and whatnot but for the most part he was understanding of me being under the weather.

When I was throwing up, he was watching tv and at one point I called out, ‘Andrew, I need your help! Could you grab me a roll of toilet paper?’ He went to the hall closet and got it out, brought it to the bathroom and handed it to me. Then he took his lollipop out of his mouth, leaned up against the wall all non-chalantly, and said, ‘Feeling bit sick?’ Even when feeling deathly ill, that boy manages to crack me up!

Last night he and James went for a bike ride to the store to fill my prescription for Diclectin so I’ve started taking it already. I only took 1 last night, and tonight I’ve taken 2 in hopes it will help me sleep because I remember when I took it with Andrew, the first week or two of taking it I was super drowsy from it. I really REALLY need to get some decent rest (she says as she writes a blog post after midnight…) The directions say take 2 during the day spaced out, and then 2 at night before bed. But I’m wanting to ease into taking it the full amount, because I don’t want to be taking it if I don’t need to. At the same time, I’d rather not feel even slight nausea constantly (which is what has been creeping up on me lately) if I don’t have to, so we’ll see how it goes!

I’ve also been having some aches and pains in my lower back, which is another normal but oh-so-annoying pregnancy symptom, and yes, not so uncommon to experience so early, especially after having already had a baby. It was just a slight ache, but then last night it got so bad that it was sooo hard to fall asleep. I’ve only ever asked James to help me with Andrew through the night a handful of times in Andy’s entire life, well last night was one of those times. We’re working on ‘sleep training’ him – trying to get him sleeping in his own bed at night and not making his way to our room. I think the back problem I’m having is a combo of pregnancy and having slept on an air mattress/the couch for several nights. Well, last night was the straw that broke the camel’s back, or should I say MINE!! I was getting so sore and then I started stressing out really bad and could feel my whole body tensing up and I know that’s not good for the baby so I woke James up in the wee hours of the night to say if Andrew came to our room before morning I didn’t know what to do other than just let him in…So he ended up getting up with him and was basically up since about 3 or 4 in the morning while I got a few hours of rest. I really needed it. I need a lot more, but at least what I got helped.

Unfortunately, when I went to change Andrew’s diaper this morning, when I bent down my back gave way entirely and I literally couldn’t move at all for a couple of minutes. Then it was excruciating pain radiating through my lower back and at times into my legs ALL DAY. It almost seemed like it was getting worse as the day went on. Now it’s better than it was earlier but not great. I know it would easily give way again, so I have to be really careful. So annoying! Especially when Andrew loves to horse around, I hate having to constantly remind him that I’m so fragile. I feel like I’m on loop lately saying things like, ‘Careful of Mommy’s back Andrew, it’s so sore’ or ‘I can’t do that right now, Sweetie, sorry but Mommy feels SO sick…’ I don’t want his first real memories of me being of how sick and tired I am all the time!!! But pregnancy will do that to a woman!

I still of course make an effort and I think do a pretty good job of doing all our usual things. My boy is happy! But, oh, the ‘sleep training’ bit is a tad overwhelming for me. I have to be 100% honest here. I KNOW we have to do this – it’s important we get him transitioned to his bed through the night, not just part of it, BEFORE the new baby arrives. He needs to feel secure in his routine and also (most importantly) not feel like he’s being tossed out of our bed so his sibling can take over his place. I don’t want him to think he’s somehow being replaced. So this transition is an important one, and I get that – and this will be night 4 of working on it, and while he has ended up on the couch each night so far he has NOT made his way into our room, so I think that’s awesome progress!

But it tears at my heart strings, because in all honesty I will just come right out and say it: As much as I sleep somewhat better when he’s NOT in our bed because I have more space to myself, I LOVE him sleeping in our bed with us! I will take a lower quality sleep to have that security in my brain and heart knowing that my boy is so close by. I like knowing that in case of an emergency, we are all there together. I love having my boy cuddle up to me, to know we are all safe together. It’s what I’m used to, and it’s what he’s used to.

On the first night I almost caved and brought him to our bed because when he realized he wasn’t allowed to go to our bedroom, he started his sobbing face that he had seconds after he was first born, and every time I see that face my heart just melts and I want to cater to his every whim. Adding insult to injury, in amongst the sobbing he added the words, ‘Andrew just want be close to Mommy Daddy!’ Ooooh how does a mother listen to those words and not cave?! It was the hardest thing ever. I ended up sleeping on the couch with him for a while before slipping away back to bed and he actually did sleep through till James got up in the morning, which was a small victory I suppose, but I still felt partially guilty leaving him there on his own!

It’s hard because it’s a ‘habit’ he’s been so used to, OF COURSE he doesn’t really get why he can’t continue on sleeping with us, even though we’ve given him several reasons for it. I know there are people out there who would scoff at all of this and look down on me/us for having let him ‘get away with’ sleeping in our bed for so long. But even tho it feels like a scramble now to get him adjusted to his own bed in order to prevent further sibling rivalry than there is already likely to be, I don’t regret for a second having let it go on this long. I sort of regret having to stop it already! Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be one of those moms who thinks it’s a good thing to be sleeping with her 6 or 8 or 10 year old – I do think eventually there has to be sleep-independence. But…it’s so hard when it comes to that time and you’ve had several years of being used to a certain pattern.

I know we’ll adjust though. I thought I could never stop breastfeeding him and he ended up transitioning a lot quicker just shy of 19 months, and with that too a lot of people thought I’d been breastfeeding far longer than I should have been, but it worked for us and I don’t regret that process either.

So we will get there! In some ways I think it would have been ‘easier’ to do it before I got pregnant again so I could be getting more rest now when I truly need it since it takes a lot of work to grow a baby. But…I had my reasons then, and so we will plug along and get where we need to be in due time!

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