Planning for the second...
Getting closer each day to when I ‘plan’ on being pregnant, I have to admit the more overwhelmed I feel. I know that I do want to have two children. I have come to realize that even though I love giving my all to Andrew and there is a certain sadness in knowing our relationship will undoubtedly change with the addition of another child, I do know that I will love my second child every bit as completely as I do Andrew. I have sometimes wondered in the past, how could I? I love him more than anything else in the world, and it has pained me the thought of sharing that with anyone but him. I have seen him as my ‘one and only’ for so long. But I know that my love for him will be every bit as strong, there will just be another branch of love to enjoy – and one that he, too, will have with his sibling.
I think my reservations lie for one in the sickness, discomfort, and pain of pregnancy and labour. I’m concerned about the sickness aspect of pregnancy since it was fairly debilitating for me the first time around. I was so sick, for example, that if I’d not had the option of working from home I KNOW I would have had to quit my job by about the 10 week mark tops. I literally would not have been able to be in the office because I’d be barfing so much – I worked really strange hours during pregnancy much of the time because of this.
I know this time around I don’t have to worry about ‘going to the office’ – but it’s complicated when you have a little one who’s raring to go each and every day, and rightfully so. I want to be able to play with Andrew, take him places, be the best Mommy to him that I possibly can. Most ESPECIALLY when I’m aware it will be his last stretch of time as a single child! I don’t want that to go flying by and all he gets from it is a sick Mommy with her head in the toilet while he’s forced to stay home and watch movies all day because she doesn’t feel up to taking him out. That’s totally not fair to him.
I just worry about those things…This past week I have sort felt as though I could be pregnant. If I am, it’s miraculous – not in the sense that things haven’t taken place that cause pregnancy (LOL) but because I’m still on the pill and it would have happened before I’m actually supposed to ovulate, if I’m doing so at all given the pill. It would just seem bizarre for me to be pregnant given the pill! However I did screw it up somewhat this month, so I suppose anything could happen! I took the pill for many years before Andrew, I never once screwed it up. But this month I had actually planned to be off it already but then at the last second decided to take it one more month. So maybe part of me was like, meh, I’m basically done with it anyway, who cares what happens. If we get pregnant a few weeks or month earlier than originally thought, it’s still a planned pregnancy! I would be happy if I was pregnant right now, but I think mostly I’d be happier if I’m not.
And I think it’s because wondering if I possibly am has caused the anxiety about it to rise in me, maybe more than I thought it would.
It’s different when it’s your second child than when it’s your first. I was dead tired when I had Andrew because you’re a new parent and omg it’s crazy exhausting and you’re adjusting to your new life blah blah…But with the second child – yes I’m concerned about being even more tired than I already am! – the main things that worry me are things like: how am I going to manage two children? For example, I was thinking how when Andrew turns 3, I want to start him up in swim lessons again. But realistically, I could be 5 or 6 months pregnant by then. I might not be, you never know how long it might take to get pregnant. But it’s possible. Will I feel up to taking him on the bus and doing the rigmarole of swim lessons when I’m getting big? Maybe I will, but I’ve never been pregnant AND had a young child to care for – I don’t know yet what I can handle! It might be relatively easy to take him to swim lessons before the baby comes along, but how in the hell am I going to transport Andrew and a baby around on the bus? Or have Andy in swim lessons but have a baby with me too, I can’t really do both, can I? It’s kind of depressing in a way. I know people manage and obviously moms take their kids to different activities even if they have more than one child. But it IS complicated, and in particular when you don’t have a car, it can be difficult getting from A to B to the point that sometimes mom might just say ah screw it and not bother going out! I know, as I have been there before, and right now that’s just with one!
Sometimes I wonder if I do Andrew a disservice being how I am. I’m not saying he doesn’t have a life that’s rich with new experiences, learning, being exposed to different things and people and so forth. I know he has it awesome compared to a lot of kids. And he’s VERY happy and content in life, he’s obviously enjoying himself each day. But on the other hand, I wonder sometimes – if I was more outgoing, if I was more of a go-getter, outdoorsy type – if he might have it better than he does. I WANT to take him out more on my own and do all sorts of fun things and just be out there doing things and experiencing life to its maximum. We experience things for sure, but maybe not to the maximum. So I worry sometimes that then by throwing another child into the mix, how good will I be about making sure they’re getting the best childhood possible?
I know I can provide a great childhood and I of course would be (and am with Andrew) very involved in my kids lives and do the very best that I can…I think I’m just getting nervous about what it’s going to all entail. One child is amazing but complicated enough, and I’m sure it’s natural to worry about what it will be like to introduce another.
I’m excited about it, but at the same time sad. I feel really sad sometimes about it actually. And I’ve been trying to figure out why. I think part of it is that I really feel like we’ve finally got a decent routine going. I know Andrew and his little idiosyncrasies. He is past a lot of the ‘annoying’ baby stages, not that I was ever really annoyed with him as a baby, but I mean the frustrations of dealing with electrical cords being pulled at and the exploration of all things new to the point you can’t have a single ornament out if you don’t plan on having it shattered, eaten, or somehow lost. I like that we have that aspect of our lives ‘back’ at this point, because Andrew is past caring about that sort of thing and if he’s curious about something, you can explain to him how fragile something is and he’s pretty good about then leaving it alone. I’m not entirely looking forward to going through all those stages again, truthfully!
On the other hand, I do look forward to enjoying our new baby and witnessing Andrew be a big brother to him or her.
But then I also worry about how I’ll be post-pregnancy. I don’t want to end up with depression issues, as so many women are faced with after giving birth. I didn’t worry about it at all with Andrew, because I just felt so confident since I wanted to be a mom so badly and I was as ready as possible. Sure I went through those few days of emotional craziness where I cried at the drop of a hat, but only insofar as my hormones were getting back to normal. I of course had my moments here and there after many, many a sleepless night, but certainly nothing resembling ‘depression.’ The reason I worry about it happening this time around is simply because I KNOW it will be my very last time ever going through pregnancy and having a new baby. So I know that it will be my last time holding my newborn baby for the first time, etc. With Andrew, it’s not that I was ever thinking at the time ‘It’s all good – I can do this again in a few years!’ – in fact, I think I’d have been crazy to have been thinking that! LOL But I did know deep down that likely I would one day have another child and I do believe that makes the experience different in some ways.
Even though there are reasons why I’m NOT looking forward to pregnancy and labour, there is also something very magical and special about the whole thing. So I guess you could say there’s a bitter sweetness about it, about knowing I’ll never do it again after this. (I’m adamant about not doing it again and I won’t change my mind, this I can guarantee, as I do NOT want more than 2 children!)
It’s not easy being a woman! Not saying it’s a cake walk as a man, but James doesn’t have to really consider all the things I do. He has to consider the extra financial issues involved in having another child, and obviously knowing he’ll have another child to help care for etc. But I think it makes a HUGE difference when you’re the one carrying the child, having to take extra care of your body, knowing what you’ll experience in birthing the baby. OMG the birthing. I’m SCARED. I plan on having another natural birth so…it’s frightening me! It huuuuuuuuuurts! Aaaagh does it ever hurt. It kinda sucks having felt that pain, knowing I’ll be doing it again. When I did it last time, I pretty much said that I’d have to be completely insane and beyond to do such a thing to myself again. It felt worse than any torture I could ever imagine enduring! Of course, the prize at the end was worth it, and I know it will be again, but still there’s a certain level of craziness in doing it ‘willingly’!
Anyway, suffice it to say, I think I’m just a tad overwhelmed knowing how much our lives are going to change in the next little while. I’ve been having strange symptoms this past week but I’m wondering if it might just be my body acting crazy in anticipation for when it actually happens. It’s not going to be far off, and I know from experience it’s pretty much impossible to be truly ‘prepared’ for it, because it just takes you over full force and you just have to go with it. I want to have a second child, but it’s normal to have weird reservations, right?
I just wish the past few years hadn’t whizzed by so ridiculously quickly. I feel like I need more time, but I don’t want the age gap to be much bigger than 3 ½ years (in fact hopefully it will be that much TOPS) between Andrew and his sibling, so the time is creeping up fast! There really isn’t much more time to hum and haw about it.
I’m nervous, but it would probably be weird if I wasn’t. I should just try to focus on the exciting aspects of it. I know how excited Andrew is going to be when I pump it up that he’ll be a big brother and he has to help me start getting ready for their arrival. I know he’s going to be really gung-ho! I have to remind myself of how special and wonderful it all will be, the rest will fall into place as it’s supposed to. I can do this, RIGHT?!!