Tuesday, May 31, 2011

This used to be a funhouse

Picture taken most likely spring 1989, me (9 years old) and my family (minus the 2 springer spaniels we had at the time).

Hard to believe this was all those years ago...

Monday, May 30, 2011

Here's what I'm thinking

Today Andrew and I went downtown – again – and met up with my parents.  It’s weird frequenting our old neighbourhood again!  For old times sake – and because I COULD – I picked up some lunch for us at Baguette Time.  We used to go so often that the owner was like, ‘Where have you been, I haven’t seen you in a few months!’  ‘Yeah, we moved to Burnaby!’  I assured him it had nothing to do with his baguettes.  Actually, I didn’t say it that way at all, because that sounds kind of nasty.  LOL

Baguette Time was the first thing I ate after Andrew was born.  I just realized it is unlikely to be the first thing I eat after baby #2 is born, because baby #2 will be born in Burnaby, not Vancouver.  (Although I’m sure someone in my family would be kind enough to bring some Baguette Time to me, there are several people living in that area who could get me my fix!!)  Yes, it appears as though I am firming up plans to have a second child.  Some days I am still on the fence…and I have a friend who’s ready to pop any minute and while I’m very happy and excited FOR HER – I’m glad it’s her and not me!...I’m not ready to be having another child this soon.  I’m so grateful it has worked out that I’ve had this amount of time with ‘just’ Andrew, because I get to smother him in love love love and it’s my favourite thing in the world to love and spoil him.  There will be a different dynamic once another baby is thrown into the mix.  It will be wonderful, I’m sure of it, but it will be different, and I worry whenever I think about having a second child that it’s going to be very, very hard for me to let go of Andrew being my one and only everything.

BUT I do think it is important to me to have 2 children, so in the not-to-distant-but-not-too-immediate-either-future I hope to have a bun in the oven!  There I said it.  Part of me feels like I need to prepare for that, for all that having a second child is going to do.  But how can I prepare, really?!  It’ll happen, and it will work out (I’m thinking this is on my mind even more after reading Trista’s most recent blog post! )  Although it has been on my mind for some time, especially considering Andrew is almost 2 ½ (at the end of June, hard to believe) and I don’t want the age gap to be toooo big between him and his sibling (although I prefer an age gap to the practically non-existent age difference of a lot of kids these days…I know so many people who popped them out one right after the other, barely a year difference – I honestly could NOT have handled that!)  And while I am certain of very few things in the world, I can guarantee you that I will stop at 2 kids.  Unless the second is twins or more (and gawd help us all if it is, because I am not equipped for that, so please please please don’t let it happen to me!!!!!) I will not be going for another after the second.  There are financial reasons for my stance on that, but also ones relating to a little thing called MY SANITY.  Also, if I wanted a third child (which I don’t, but if I did, or if I won the lottery one day and thought I could handle it…) I would adopt rather than having a child of my own I think.

Anyway, not sure where all of this is coming from, I was going to write about our day downtown but I got side-tracked obviously!  Oh well, it happens!

Visiting our old 'hood

On Friday early evening, we headed downtown to meet up with James and to see my parents when they first arrived to begin their new life in Vancouver.

I couldn't help but take a picture of the cauldron.  It's not quite the same, of course, when it's not lit up, but there is something magical about this cauldron that I can't explain.  I love it, it's so peaceful to me.

And now for a series of the boy, posing and just acting like himself - basically humouring Mommy, who kept snapping pictures of him all.day.long.!!

He looks like such a tough guy with his tattooed arms...Even if the tattoos ARE peeling off!
Something I love about him is how expressive he is with his hands!  Has been since day one.  He often holds his hands out like this, especially when he's excited!


Places to go, people to see - I'm outta here!

Spring time fun

It was a relatively decent day this past Friday, so Andrew and I made the most of a trip to the grocery store by stopping off at the park on the way home.
GG bought these new sunglasses for Andrew last month.  As soon as I gave them to him he took one look at them and said, 'Too big!' and tossed them on the floor.  I kid you not, he did!  But then I said, 'But they're Superman's sunglasses!'  Well, you should see the way he struts around in them now!  When we were at the grocery store the ladies who work there were gushing over him and one of them said, 'Look at those sunglasses!'  His reply was, 'Andrew's Superman!'

I was pretending to chase him up to the slide and he was laughing hysterically!
 Oh yeah, he happens to be wearing his Superman t-shirt under his sweater.  It really is a Superman t-shirt, I didn't fib to him about that, just the glasses!!
Crazy Superboy face =)
'OK, ONE more time down the slide, then we're going home!!!'
'OK, you can jump in that puddle ONE more time, then we're going home!'

'OK, seriously, LAST TIME!'

Who knew a trip to the grocery store could be so fun?!

More than meets the eye

Andrew is obsessed with Transformers, his favourite being Optimus Prime.  He calls him ‘Nockum Pime’.  So imagine his delight when his dad showed him a t-shirt that Uncle N had given him as a gift a few years ago!  Not something James would typically wear, but he put it on to show Andrew – who in turn said HE wanted to wear it.  And wear it he did!  He wore it to bed that night, and for the morning the next day.  Then, as much as he was loving being Nockum Pime, he agreed with me that it was too big.  He kept tripping on the bottom of it.  He willingly took it off, but with the promise that one day he might have an Optimus Prime shirt of his own, Andrew-sized.

I told him to stand by the fireplace and smile for the camera.  He probably couldn't have given me a more fake smile than that, but it's cute nonetheless!
Oh yeah, he's also obsessed with Batman, hence the shirt underneath the Optimus one!  It looks like there's yet another shirt under that...What can I say, he loves all his shirts and can't choose between them.  It's not uncommon for him to be wearing multiple layers due to his inability to pick one and go with it!
Doing his funny 'pucker up' face.  This is what he does when he wants to wear lip gloss.  LOL  I don't know WHY this is his gloss face - I don't do that when I'm putting on lip gloss...do I??!!!!!  (I swear I don't!)
Another somewhat fake smile...but still totally adorable!
I love my little Nockum Pime =)  He's the best Autobot around (ohmygawd I can't believe I even know what an Autobot is!!)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I can't stop myself from thinking

The obvious response to what I’m about to say would be, ‘Well, then, don’t think about it.’ But ‘not letting my mind go there’ is easier said than done.

I keep thinking about how other people have moved into our house. Our house that’s not actually our house at all anymore. Our old house. No one else but us has EVER lived there so I feel like the walls of the house will be wondering who’s in there. Strangers. They don’t belong there. Yet they DO, because they bought the house and are as deserving as anyone to be there. In fact, because they own it now, they are more deserving than anyone to be in there!

But the thought of their furniture taking up the living room and family room and all the bedrooms. Their furniture, not OURS. It’s killing me to think about!

I know the walls of the house don’t discriminate. And, no, I’m not crazy – I KNOW the walls of the house aren’t alive, and don’t even know they exist! But it just feels eerie to think of a new family being in there and making a life there like we once did.

It’s not that I wish them any ill-will, in moments I am able to think how nice it is that other people are going to love that house like we did, and one day themselves might leave it and be thinking about all the wonderful memories they created there. It’s just…hard, right now.

I try to focus on other things. I do focus on other things a lot of the time. But then my mind drifts there. It’s as if I’m standing across the street, staring forward at the house, and then a myriad of feelings sweeps over me. Hitting me like a ton of breaks that it’s over, that portion of our lives, gone.

My parents moved to Vancouver yesterday. They MOVED TO VANCOUVER. They live here now!

It’s weird, we went to meet them yesterday when they arrived and it felt like old times where they’d just be over for a few days for a visit. But this time we knew that they weren’t going anywhere in a few days. So strange.

But GOOD. I mean, it’s a relief to know I don’t have to take any ferries to get to them. We’ll be able to visit each other easier. I think it’s just the grieving stage of what was left behind, we can’t deny that it’s there, and we have to work through it.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

A bug's life

I feel the strong need to have something to hold onto. A life preserver, perhaps? Something to make me feel secure. I really don’t feel I have that right now and it’s suffocating me.

I’ve been looking out the living room window at the pretty colours of the trees and flowers in our little yard space. I love the colour out there so much that instead of just enjoying it while it’s here, I find myself fretting about how soon it will be that they will be changed back to colourless (or, green I should say). I’m a bit of a mess inside my head right now.

Tomorrow I want to make a real effort to take a series of pictures. Of ‘things’, maybe stuff around the house that mean something to me. And of Andrew, my favourite subject when it comes to taking pictures! If the weather improves we might actually get a chance to play outside on the patio. He has his basketball hoop here now and some of his other toys from Nanaimo, so it should be fun for him.

Although his favourite thing seems to be looking for bugs! He’s terrified of them, but I’m trying to get him away from his fear and having a look at bugs from a different perspective. Interesting, since I am terrified of a great many of them myself…But I don’t want him to be fearful if he doesn’t have to be, and I want him to know that most bugs around here aren’t going to hurt you. I also want to teach him to be respectful of bugs (at least when they’re in their own territory!)

Yesterday we came across a teensy tiny slug, smaller than any I’d ever seen myself. As well as a wood bug, and a worm – and incidentally it seemed the wood bug and the worm were having some sort of affair, which was kind of bizarre to witness.

At first Andrew is apprehensive when he sees a bug, and his first response is to let me know he’s scared by either running to me or freezing in place and whimpering till I go rescue him. What seems to help ease his bug-phobia is when I make up stories about what the bugs are doing.

‘What do you think this wood bug is up to?’ I might say, ‘I think his mom is calling him home for lunch!’ Well when Andrew thinks the wood bug’s mommy is calling him home, he thinks that’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. I’ll say, ‘What do you think he’s going to eat? I bet she’s making him a big sandwich!’ Absolute hysterics from Andrew! Now he’s curious and he bends down to get a closer look at the wood bug, and starts talking about how he’s on his way home. Then out pops the worm out of nowhere to get freaky with the wood bug and we’re both laughing.

What freaked me out yesterday was the spider we saw on our way home from the grocery store. I’ve never seen a spider quite like it. Let’s just say it was BIG, with huge long legs that looked really strong and thick compared to most spiders in our neck of the woods. It freaked me out but I didn’t want to scare Andrew so I pointed to it and we watched it for a minute and then I said, OK, let’s go home now! Ayeyeye, what bothered me about it the most is knowing that if a spider like that is crawling around outside in the neighbourhood, it could just as easily crawl around our garden and crawl into our condo and omg just writing about it makes my skin crawl! I can’t stand the thought of it.

BUT just as I am teaching Andrew, bugs and insects are around us and we have to learn to the live with them the best way possible. Sometimes that means flushing them down the toilet…but hopefully it can usually mean watching them from afar but respecting their place in the world! (Easy for me to say when I don’t see any near me at the moment!!)

Guess I’d better go prepare for the chaos, I mean the mil, arriving ;) (Could I ever be prepared for such a thing?!)

1000 posts

This is my 1000th post on this blog. I wonder how many posts I’d be at if I’d stuck with the same blog since I first started in around 2005? It still bums me out when I think about how I deleted my second blog and then 2 weeks later my computer crashed and I lost all the journaling that could have been saved if I hadn’t deleted my blog! Little did I know it was actually recoverable for up to 90 days, but of course I didn’t find that out until much later.

Rather than dwell on all the negatives, for my 1000th post I should do something cheery. Unfortunately, I am not feeling cheery, so that is going to be difficult to do using words. I was going to post some pictures of my ultimate happiness (Andrew, of course!) but I’ve barely taken any pictures at all in the past few weeks. Which is very telling that things haven’t been going well, if I felt that there wasn’t much worth recording through pictures. There were times when I thought to bring my camera out, but then I thought, nah, I don’t really want to remember how all of this feels.

So instead I will just blather on about nothing in particular. Andrew is with his Nana today so I took the opportunity to go to the mall on my own. I need new bras, and much to my amazement the first few I tried on fit perfectly so I snapped them up – AND they were on sale, bonus! I also picked up some cute little slippers for Andrew that looks like Woody’s cowboy boots from Toy Story! They were on clearance so I couldn’t not get them, because I know he will be THRILLED when he sees them. He is such a little clothes horse and he LOVES shoes! LOL It’s so funny, on the ferry recently he actually ran up to a little boy and touched his shoes and said, ‘Oooh, nice shoes!’ They didn’t even have characters or anything fun on them, but he saw them and he liked them! He is also totally into the nail polish and I’ve decided to just give in. For a while he seemed ok with only having it on when Gommy (gramma) put it on for him, and we’d take it off when we came home. But he loves it so much and I figure, who is he hurting by wearing nail polish?! So what if we get strange looks, everyone is entitled to their opinion. I have an inkling that by the time it really matters and he could get teased for it, the phase will be over and he won’t be wanting to do it anyway. And if he does, well, we’ll just have to deal with that when the time comes.

It’s so funny because he’s VERY boyish, yet he loves PINK nail polish over any other colour! He thinks he’s a bad guy when he has polish on and makes a noise like he’s a mean monster. He’s so funny! I am constantly telling him how funny he is because he seriously IS hilarious!

Anyway, so I have a ‘me’ day today. It’s great having the time, I’m not going to deny it, but at the same time I am just soooo tired I feel like it’s a bit of a waste. So much I want to get done, so little energy to do it. And the mil is coming over for dinner, well isn’t that just awesome news.

I know I said I was going to blab about nothing in particular but…my mind keeps drifting back to the house or lack there of. I think it hit me last night, but I kind of forced back the tears and stopped myself from ‘going there’ because…I’m not ready to release the water works just yet! But it hit me when my mom sent me a text saying that she wasn’t feeling great (from the pneumonia mostly, but obviously also emotionally given what’s happening) and that all she wanted was to be sitting in her chair in the family room with a cozy blanket on. It made me feel incredibly sad because it really hit me how major this is. We spent probably a million hours in that family room together. We will never be there again. My mom’s chair that she was talking about? It was given away on Tuesday, it’s gone, she will never sit in it again. All of that is gone, over, done with. All of this is so hard for me to comprehend and deal with, but imagine how it is for my parents. I had a home to come to after leaving the house. All their stuff is in storage and they’re living in a hotel, and then someone else’s furnished apartment for a month. They are essentially homeless, in that sense. It’s hard to overcome the sadness of it all.

Anyway, I can’t sit here and dwell, it’s not going to change anything. Maybe I’ll crank some tunes and do some organizing – that’s always good for keeping my mind occupied!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

This is it...

Well, it happened. We left the house yesterday. Unfortunately it seems nowhere near over – there are some issues that I won’t get into here, but suffice it to say it seems as soon as we are over one hurdle, another one presents itself. It’s getting beyond a joke at this point. You’re definitely not going to hear any of us laughing.

But without getting into the details of the glitches being caused by SOMEONE’S stupidity – we just can’t get to the bottom of whose because they’re all trying to pass the buck it would seem…All I can say is…

I don’t even know what to say.

What can I say??

It felt strange when I was in the house for the last time and I knew it would be the last time. I got up yesterday morning and popped two advil because I had a headache. And I had to keep telling myself not to throw up for several hours because my stupid nerves were trying to get the better of me and I couldn’t let them. I got on with things because that’s what I had to do, but it all felt very strange.

The movers were awesome and I think we’ll use them for the big move next month so that’s a plus. Everything was taken to storage. My mom came down with pneumonia within days of the move – never had pneumonia in her life and then they’re about to do the biggest move EVER and she gets it. Murphy’s Law I suppose.

It felt so weird looking around the house for the last time yesterday. I can’t even describe it. Looking at my old bedroom, knowing I would never step foot in there again. Sitting outside in the garden with my dad while Andrew played, it felt bittersweet. It was nice to be out in the garden in the warm sun one last time, but it was tainted by the knowledge that it would never happen there again.

It felt strange closing the back door, hearing the little creaks and groans of the house as I walked through it. Such familiar sounds, but ones that I knew would fade the longer I went without ever being there again.

It feels weird because to me, that house is OUR house. We had it built, no one else has ever called it home before. How can it be that in 2 days time a new family will be moving in? It doesn’t make sense to me.

I will never visit that house again. It is not our house anymore. I no longer have my rock, my home away from home, the place where I grew up. It’s GONE.

I haven’t shed a single tear. I’m sure that I will. There are moments when sadness feels like it’s overcoming me. Mostly I just feel anxious and at times it feels difficult to breathe, like my chest is really heavy. I have to process this. It was hard letting go of the house, and I think in some ways I’m in a denial stage of sorts right now because we only just left it last night and maybe in my mind somehow I feel as though I could go back and reclaim the territory, even though I know that’s not going to happen!

I think it was just so much worse and so much harder to have to let go of Emma in the same way. We knew it was looming, we watched as the time ticked by that day and waited for her appointment and she died right there in that house. I sobbed uncontrollably for Emma, and at the moment I can’t shed a single tear for the house. I can’t explain my emotions. I just deal with what comes. Obviously the house doesn't even matter AT ALL when I think about how much Emma DID mean, so maybe I'm not reacting as much because the wound of losing her is still so fresh and it trumps everything. It has just been such a whirlwind of…I was going to say ups and downs, but let’s face it, there really haven’t been any ups to speak of lately.

I miss the house and all it signifies. I feel sort of torn apart. It feels strange knowing that THIS is my home now, this condo we’re renting in Burnaby is MY HOME and while it was even before this happened, I felt differently about it in a way, because I still had my family home intact. And there’s something about that, maybe the security, of knowing you have that place to go to, that place that WAS your home for so long that it still feels it IS your home when you go back to it. That’s gone now, and this is really all I have.

Oh, the dramatics, I know I know! Hopefully soon we can put all of this behind us and actually start moving forward. I just feel like for every step forward, there’s one or two back. I try to be positive, and in my day to day life I am – I try to be as strong as I can just because I think that’s my method of survival, and also because I want to be strong for the people around me. I can’t function any other way. But there is this dark part in me, this part that just witnesses the doom and gloom and doesn’t know how to move forward with the knowledge of it. I don’t know quite what to think of things anymore. The whole world looks different.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I can't believe it happens tomorrow

For the past couple of nights I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress. There are some swank air mattresses out there, but I didn’t want to spend money on a ‘good’ one when it’s not something we actually need or really want to have to store when not in use (which would be 99% of the time). So instead, think $3.99 air mattress that you take to the beach. Comfortable? Not really, but it’s at least half a step up from sleeping directly on the floor. I guess!!

James was here for the weekend but left early this morning because he has to work overtime hours for his new job. Not the greatest timing for them to tell him he has to put in an extra 16 hours…But on the other hand, he does get paid (not time and a half, too bad!) so that’s a plus. It’s just bad timing given everything else that’s going on.

Ahh, ‘everything else’ is about to change in a big way. It’s not over yet, but one portion of it is going to be, if you can call it that. Tomorrow is move out day, so we say goodbye to the house forever. It’s really hard for me to comprehend the fact that I’ll never step foot in this house again, and for that matter will rarely ever come over to Nanaimo anymore. When I think about it, in the moments that it reeeally hits me that THIS IS HAPPENING AND IT’S HAPPENING NOW, I get a really anxious feeling inside. The kind of anxious feeling that sort of hurts, because it’s a pang of realization that there’s nothing you can do. It’s a loss that has to happen.

I just can’t get past the fact that this time tomorrow we’ll be waiting for the movers, and a few hours from now tomorrow we’ll walk out the door and never come back.

Then a whole new process begins, of my parents transitioning to their new life in Vancouver. Even though they are the ones primarily going through this, I feel like it affects me in a major way, too. Not just in losing the family home, but the whole dynamic is going to be different. And this is far from over – they have a furnished place for a month but in that time they have to find a more permanent place to move into for July 1st. THAT move is going to be the most stressful move any of us has ever done, because it involves moving everything from the island to the mainland, and to 3 separate places since there’s my parents’ stuff, my stuff, AND my brother’s stuff to bring over. I can’t even imagine how expensive that move is going to be but it makes me cringe just thinking about it! BUT that’s to worry about when the time comes, for now it’s back to packing the last minute stuff, of which there seems to be a lot!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

What a character!

At each different stage with a young child, it’s so easy to say, ‘This is such a cute age!’ I thought it was adorable when all Andrew could do was sit up on his own and grab at things, I loved his pudgy little cheeks and bowl legs. Then it was amazing when he could crawl and pull himself up, exploring everything in his path. Then (all too soon!) he started running. It was cute when he could say a couple of words but still babbled in baby talk. Now he’s starting to say full sentences, he understands more than I ever thought possible at under 2 ½, and he knows how to express himself not just with gestures and body language but with his words.
For example, last week at my parents’ house he was playing soccer in the yard with my dad. My dad kicked the ball to him and it was about a foot away, but Andrew decided he wasn’t getting it himself. He said, ‘Papa get it!’ (which sounds more like ‘geh-tit!’) My dad said, ‘It’s right there, you get it!’ ‘Papa geh-tit!’ So my dad said, ‘No, Andrew geh-tit!’ And Andrew replied, ‘Papa, GEH-tit!’ He totally knew how to say it more aggressively to get what he wanted.

This morning, my dad was teasing him about something and Andrew turned to him and waved him away and said, ‘Papa, knock it off!’ LOL
He is starting to recite ‘Rain, rain, go away, come again another day, little Andrew wants to play!’ and he can also say most of I’m a Little Teapot and attempts to do the actions for it.

He has a bad cold, actually I think it was a touch of the flu too because he was throwing up off and on for a couple of days (which was horrible because he hadn’t thrown up ever really, just spit up when he was a baby, so it wasn’t something we were by any means used to dealing with – oooh, toddler projectile vomit, fun!) Now it’s ‘just’ a full-fledged cold, but it’s starting to get a bit better. When we woke up this morning I asked him, ‘Are you feeling better today?’ and he said, ‘Andrew sick? No, Happy!’

He is obsessed with wearing nail polish. To avoid him having it on all the time, I told him he can only wear it when he’s with Gommy (he calls my mom Gommy!) He seems satisfied with that. Yesterday my parents were at our place and my mom said, ‘Andrew, what do you want to do when we get to Gommy and Papa’s house?’ and he said, ‘Play toys, do nails!’ LOL That boy is too much. I was putting lip gloss on this morning and he said, ‘Oooooh, pink! Andrew some!’ and then puckered up his lips to have it put on.

He would probably be mortified in years to come that I’m mentioning this one but it was sooo funny – he let out a little fart this morning and then grinned and said, ‘Tiny tooooot, tiny toooooooot!’ It’s so funny listening to a toddler talk, you really never know what they’re going to come up with next.

He’s a handful and I’m not going to deny that there are times when I’m just sooooo tiiiiiiired and envy people who can just relax and look after no one but themselves – there really is something to be said about having total freedom and ‘your own life’ as I feel I have no real sense of what ‘my own life’ would even be like anymore. But I have to say that I honestly have no idea what I’d do without him in my life. He keeps me grounded and prevents me from going totally insane when things are feeling unstable. He’s such a source of light and he makes so many people happy. I couldn’t be more proud to be his Mommy!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Down to the wire

It’s time to head back to the island…for the last time. Well, not really for the last time. But going to Nanaimo isn’t going to ever be the same. I guess in a lot of ways it already isn’t ‘the same’, but it’s going to be a strange week. I can’t believe we’re down to the wire now.

My parents came over today with a truck load of stuff, mainly outdoor furniture and plants from their garden that my dad potted so we could have them in our outdoor space. So our patio is finally starting to look like it should! When I get back next week, one of the first things I will no doubt want to do is get it all organized and looking ‘homey’ =)

Hopefully the weather will be half decent so we can enjoy some time in the yard at my parents’ house before it’s no longer ours. A lot of great memories from spending time in that yard.

I got my little ‘time capsule’ note written to leave behind in the house. I’m going to put it in an obscure place so it’s likely no one will find it for a very long time. Maybe never, but that doesn’t matter as much as me knowing it is in there. I also have some pictures I’m going to print to leave with the note. I feel good about leaving that behind. Then it will be time to start moving forward.

Monday, May 16, 2011

When it rains, it pours


It’s amazing how one thing can change so much of how you view things.

I feel as though I have to be vague here on this. In some ways I just want to expose this person for the ugliness they’ve portrayed but I won’t. Although I probably should.

I’m really upset because this particular thing came to my attention very recently. I feel like SO MUCH IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW and this particular thing is one of the last things I possibly could have needed right now.

I do try to be an optimistic person. I really want to believe that things are good before evil, that there is a reason to have trust in others and to even have a little faith (not religious faith, but just faith in humankind, maybe). Well, at the moment for me, that has sort of all gone by the wayside.

I’m shocked. It’s never a nice thing to find out you’ve been lied to for a verrrry long time, but when it’s someone you thought was possibly the last person on earth that could do that to you?! It might sound dramatic to say it’s ‘earth-shattering’, but dramatize all you want – it’s kind of how it feels.

I generally hate it when people say this, but I’m seriously beginning to wonder what it was that I did that was so wrong to end up having so much crap fall on me lately. It really does feel like so much in life just isn’t going the way I’d hoped, and that’s saying the very least!

Feeling the way I do now, I just feel so uncertain about everything. I’ve always known that the world is chaotic, but perhaps my idealism led me to believe that my world was relatively ‘safe’ and that even though there was chaos, everything would work out. I think maybe I’m becoming more jaded now and I sort of question whether that’s true. Actually, I KNOW it’s NOT true, and that’s because of how truly chaotic I now understand the world to be.

Anything can happen at any given moment, you can never have true security in anything. How is a person supposed to relax with that knowledge?! It’s kind of devastating actually.

I’m pretty good at pulling through and marching along, because that’s all a person CAN do in the face of adversity. But the more stuff that’s added to this big ugly pile o’ crap, the harder it gets to not let it break me down.

I don’t want to be ‘that person’, I don’t want to be miserable. And usually I’m not. Like I said, the knowledge of a particular lie was just brought to my attention a few hours ago – obviously I need time to process it and get my head around it. So of course right now I’m reacting quite strongly, and it’s affecting my overall outlook on things. But it’s severe enough that I have to say, while I’m not certain about much of anything, I’m fairly sure that from this moment on, I’m never going to look at things the same as I did before tonight.

Sunday, May 15, 2011


This post was written late at night on Thursday, May 12th.  The day my Spanny sister, our sweet black n' white Emma Dilemma, passed away at age 13.

I desperately need sleep and I’m absolutely exhausted, but my stupid racing mind and broken heart won’t let me drift off.

I hate grieving, there is no pain that could be worse.

I am not much of a crier and I am very uncomfortable sharing my emotions around others. But I can’t stop sobbing over Emma. I haven’t cried this hard since…probably when Tessa died just over a year ago. Though I think with her I was able to keep myself in the denial stage far longer, because I wasn’t actually here when it happened. I was able to tell myself no, she’s still there, it’s all okay…But with Emma, I know in my heart that she is gone. And it makes me feel SO SAD.

I hate having to grieve. I know that as time passes it won’t be this painful, right now it has literally only been several hours since she passed, but that does little to ease my mind or my heart. Because it kills a part of me to know that I will never see her again or pet her or have her look at me with those big brown eyes. She used to be such a happy girl, she always gave me tons of kisses, tail wagging whenever she saw me. We had a special bond, her and I.

I just can’t believe she’s gone. I find it so hard to comprehend how one minute she is there with us and the next, gone. Where is she? I hope she’s reunited with Tessa. She was never right after she lost her big sister. She was never fully happy again after that. I don’t believe in heaven, yet somehow I hope they are together, in some way. Oh my gawd it is soooo paaaiinnnffffuuuullllll going through this. I want her back, I want her back, I want her back!

How did her life fly by like that? Why couldn’t she live happily and healthily FOREVER? My heart is killing me right now, I feel like I can’t breathe properly, and my eyes are stinging from crying more than I possibly have for years. And this is only the first day of the loss, I so do not want to have to continue on feeling this for gawd knows how long.

I keep having to take deep breathes just to feel like I AM still breathing enough to survive, that’s how much it hurts just to breathe right now. Seriously ridiculous. I know a lot of people would roll their eyes and think it’s stupid of me given this is a family PET I am bawling over, but she was MY SISTER and you can’t convince me that she wasn’t. She was not just a pet.

Wow, it’s amazing the way events in your life change and shape you. I feel like now the loss of the house, yes it’s still tragic, but I don’t really care about that as much. If anything I want to just run away and never look back because Emma died here and I don’t want to be here anymore. We need to be done with all of this. I want us all to just be able to MOVE ON. We need that. This year has sucked so much so far. I mean, you could never know how grateful I am that my dad survived his heart attack, because I can’t even begin to imagine who I would be right now if I’d lost my dad this January. BUT beyond that it seems as though literally anything that could go wrong has, and every time we think something is bad enough as it is, another wrench is thrown in and it becomes even worse.

I want to write but I can’t. Everything is too painful right now. My sadness is starting to also feel like sick.

Oh Emma, I’m so sorry this had to happen. I know for your sake it was the best thing, but I wish it didn’t have to be that way. I love you.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A break from it all

I feel like I need something to look forward to. Something to take me away from everything that’s been going on. Not until the worst of it is over, of course, because I honestly don’t think I could really relax right now even if I was whisked away to some sort of paradise! But…it’s always nice to have something to look forward to.

I don’t know what this ‘something’ should be though. I think a couple of nights away somewhere would be nice, and of course it would be AMAZING for James and I to have even just one night to ourselves (since it literally hasn’t happened in as long as Andrew’s been with us!) but…I’m thinking a mini family holiday – the 3 of us – would be nice. Maybe not relaxing or paradise-like, but fun and different. I always enjoy showing Andrew new things and experiencing places through his eyes.

I don’t know where though, or even when for that matter. I also don’t know how great an idea it even is – because anywhere we could afford to go would be pretty much the same or very similar to where we live, so it’s not like we’re going to be giving Andy some great cultural experience. And then I think of his age – he’s really too young to remember much if anything from what he’s doing or where we go (which is CRAZY but true, I mean how many memories do you have of being 2?!) and ultimately even for just a 2 nights away at a decent-but-cheap hotel is going to be expensive, especially when you factor in meals. So maybe it’s not worth it and we should save that money for something else, or a future trip that will blow our minds away. I dunno.

I just need SOMETHING, and for some reason I feel as though being away from home and our usual weekend lifestyle is the way to go.

Or maybe I’m just trying to escape what’s in my head, and in a few weeks I won’t feel the need to get away anymore?!

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Just Andrew and Me

More than anything, I love being this boy's Mom.

Andrew is the best boy, and I love being his Mommy!

This morning I got up, had a shower, and was greeted by my 2 favourite boys when I was done. I loved how as soon as I went into the bathroom to get ready, I heard Andrew’s little voice say to his Daddy, ‘Mommy up?’ Thankfully, Daddy was kind enough to distract him so he wouldn’t rush to the bathroom door and beat on it sobbing till I opened it – lol – but it was nice to know that there was excitement around the fact that I was up for the day!

James toasted some croissants for our breakfast and we sat at the table for quite a while chatting and playing with Andrew. Andy was so hell bent on having a cup of coffee to himself, so we made him a cup of decaf! LOL He loved it, possibly a little too much.

James said, ‘Andrew do you want to give Mommy her present?’ and Andy was sooo eager to give it to me! He seemed so proud about it. I got a cute card that he ‘wrote’ in and some soaps that are in the shape of fruits. Basically for putting on display, and they smell soooo nice. That might sound like a weird gift to you, but I’ve admired those soaps at the mall ever since we moved here and I saw them! Andrew picked out the ones they got, an orange and a big slice of watermelon. They come in a little basket, so wherever I decide to put it on display, they will smell really nice. I don’t plan on actually using them!

We got ready leisurely and then took Andrew out to the ‘big park’ as we call it. We walked through some trails and explored the area a little more. When we got back to the main trail from the smaller ones, Andrew said, ‘Fun forest!’ so he obviously enjoys exploring the great outdoors!

He had the whole playground to himself today, I had sort of hoped some other kids would come along but not this time. We had fun though, and then we stopped by the store for a few ingred’s for lunch and supper, then headed home.

We blew some bubbles out on our patio before heading inside, and James brought Fifi outside to explore a little bit. I’m not a huge fan of having outdoor cats, I would never feel comfortable just letting our cats out to roam and come home when they choose (if they make it, considering there are such animals as raccoons and even coyotes in the area). But she didn’t even try to venture further than a foot or so away from our patio! She was mewing the whole time and sniffing like crazy, running around like a totally insane cat! LOL She hadn’t stepped foot outside for years. We looked at the back door and saw Moorka’s big eyes peering out through the glass, probably wondering why FIFI was being let out and SHE wasn’t! But we’re both apprehensive about letting Moorka do the same thing, because she used to be an outdoor cat and part feral really, so we hate the thought that she could run off and we might not be able to catch her.

Anyway, that was an adventure. Then James’ made us eggs benny for lunch, and then we were all so full we decided to lay down for a family nap. Only I was toooo full to sleep, so after the boys both drifted off I went and had a bath, talked to my mom, and now here I am!

Shaping up to be a fairly relaxing Mother’s Day for sure!

A new look

This is my new template…for now! I don’t really know exactly how I want things to look on here, but I just knew it had to be different than it was.

Saturday, May 07, 2011


I am actually streaming the Stanley Cup Playoffs on my computer – who knew I would ever get into hockey?! But I totally have, I’m a Canucks fan through and through, and actually enjoy watching the games now. I don’t know if I’d get totally into it when it’s not playoffs, but these are intense games! GO CANUCKS GO, we MUST beat out the Predators! It’s our year, I can feel it =)

I feel tired today, somewhat lacking in the motivation department. We went and did a grocery shop, and I actually feel like I got a lot of stuff for relatively cheap. James took Andrew to the mall after we got back from getting the groceries, so I made a triple batch of Pesto to put in the freezer. I find it a life saver sometimes to have stuff like that homemade but on the ready for when I don’t feel like cooking. And Andrew LOVES Pesto so that’s a bonus! Last night I wanted to make a tomato sauce for our pasta but he actually thought to say, ‘No, Pesto!’

This morning he was so cute – James and I were sitting on the couch kissing, and he came up and wedged himself between us. Then he gave me a kiss and a hug, then James, and then he kissed the back of his hands and then squished his hands on his cheeks as if to give himself a hug! It was so funny.

I really want to change my blog template again. I hate this one already. And I never did get around to taking things off, like that ugly scribble mark on the side or for that matter the thing above it. Ridiculous. But I need more time, and a bit of help from my computer guru because I get too easily frustrated when things don’t work the first time.

I need energy – lot of energy – so that I can tackle a huge project, which is trying to organize this place to absolute perfection. I’m not wanting to do it just because it’s a dream of mine to be that organized, because let’s face it, even if I DID organize things that well, it would fall apart quickly. But I have A LOT of stuff coming my way in the next little while, so I’m going to have to create space if I want to keep even half of what I’m taking from my parents’ house. It’s crazy how much stuff I refused to part with and want to hold onto. I know that when I unpack the million boxes I’m taking, I’ll have to scale it back. James will freak when he sees all the stuff. He’s been warned, and he knows it’s largely emotional and something I will have to work through over time. But I don’t want to end up living in Clutter City, I love my stuff but I am NOT a hoarder, nor do I wish to become one. So I have to keep that in mind. However, I will say that if I organize what we already have to perfection, I will be able to create enough space that it won’t seem like I’m taking on nearly as much as I actually am! I’m sure hoarders say that, too, but I swear I’m not one! I wouldn’t be taking so much stuff in if the situation was different, but it’s hard enough losing our family home, I’m not willing just yet to also part with nearly all of the stuff that was in it.

It really is a difficult time right now. It’s like a death in the family. I am able to ‘forget’ for a while here and there, and then my mind drifts back to ohmygodImnevergoingtostepfootinthathouseagain. I can’t quite believe it, not yet, even though it’s going to by my reality TWO WEEKS from now. I really do feel sick when I think about it too hard. So for now, I’ll try to focus on something else.

My boy likes nail polish, so what?!

Before having a child I was adamant that I would not treat my boy or girl too gender-specific.  I didn’t want to socialize my child so strictly in one direction, but instead give them the freedom to be whoever they are.

I still feel that way to a large extent – the pictures speak for themselves!  Most boys don’t walk around with pink nail polish on their fingers and toes.  (Andrew doesn’t usually either, but has recently discovered he’s not afraid to!)

I wasn’t the one who put the polish on his nails – it was my mom.  I’d had the polish out to do my toes and he saw it there and decided he just HAD to wear it so my mother obliged him and put it on.  At first when I saw it I thought omgmotherwhathaveyoudone!  Then I thought it was funny and even a little bit cute.  I did, however, convince him to let me remove it before he and I went for an afternoon outing together.  I wasn’t comfortable with him wearing it in public.

As soon as we got home from that outing, he wanted the polish put back on (well, as soon as he saw the bottle and remembered it!)  So my mom put it on him again.  This time he downright refused to have it taken off, so he had it on for our trip back to the mainland the other day.

No one said anything (which is strange because usually people ALWAYS have an opinion about what we’re doing, and yet the one time I’m sure people will have strong opinions, no one said a word!)  (Although one woman on the bus said how cute he was but then asked if he was a boy or girl…He’s so obviously a boy, but the polish must have thrown her off!)

I was a little bit self-conscious of the fact that he had bright pink polish on his fingers in public, but the more I thought about it the more I thought WHO CARES?!  First of all, anyone with children 2 or above would totally get it, because it’s a normal thing for little kids – girls AND boys – to be interested in.  When I’m putting my makeup on, he will sometimes say, ‘Andrew some?’  It makes sense – he sees me putting it on, no one has said that typically boys don’t wear it. 

James had more of an issue with it than I did, although I have to admit neither of us was entirely keen about the boy wearing nail polish.  I feel torn because I’m accepting of people’s choices when it comes to things like sexuality or gender/sex preference, whatever.  So why am I weirded out by my almost 2 ½ year old wearing a little polish on his nails?!  What’s the big deal right?!

I know it’s not a huge deal, and hey, I DID go out with him with it on and it was fine, but I’m not going to lie and say I was 100% totally comfortable, because I really was conscious at least half of the time as to what people might think.

I can’t really explain it.  Maybe it was just weird to me looking at his hands and seeing them look like girl hands.  Because he IS a boy, and I think of him as a boy, and then to see these feminine hands, when usually he has little boy hands, it’s different!  It’s not what I’m used to.

It’s not a big deal or anything, I just found the reactions of myself and those around me interesting. 

I don’t try to force him to be boyish, he generally chooses typically boy type things over girl things.  It shouldn’t matter either way but is it absolutely horrible of me to say in some ways I feel like it does matter at least a little bit?  Don’t get me wrong, I have zero problems if he one day tells me he’s gay.  But I might not be entirely honest if I said I wouldn't have a hard time understanding it fully if he told me he wanted to be a woman and started dressing like one.  I am not saying I am intolerant of that lifestyle, I think as his mom thinking of him as my son I would just have strange emotions over it.  It’s not that I wouldn’t still love him, because I can’t imagine not ultimately accepting him no matter who he chooses to be, but still…Andrew as Andrea?  I’m not too sure about it.

Don’t worry, I didn’t read into the nail polish wearing thing as him being a transvestite, he is just curious and exploring new things and that’s great!  It’s actually pretty cute because when the polish was drying he went around with his hands in the air and then tried to blow on them to make them dry quicker.  He’s a character!  Oh and he thinks he’s a bad guy superhero when he has pink nail polish on…Not too sure what that’s all about, but I go along with it =)

Friday, May 06, 2011

A relaxing cleaning sort of day

Well, we’re back home in Burnaby. It feels weird to be back, we were in Nanaimo for so long that when we walked in the door here it felt like it was brand new again!

I’ve spent the day cleaning and getting the condo back to my standards. LOL Not that James didn’t tidy while I was gone, because he did…but he just doesn’t do things the way I do and he doesn’t do everything that needs to be done. I don’t understand how after several months of things ALWAYS BEING IN THE SAME SPOT he doesn’t quite remember where things actually go and just sticks them wherever he decides it's appropriate. I keep opening a cupboard or drawer and going WHY IS THAT THEEEERRRRRE?! Ahhhh.

We’ve had a really good day here today so far. Andrew’s been napping for almost 2 hours now, which is probably a bad thing in terms of how our night’s going to go. BUT the peace and quiet is nice, and I was the one who initiated the nap, truth be told, because I felt I needed one. I got about an hour, which was glorious, because I think I should take all the sleep I can get.

Andrew has also been SUCH a good boy today. Helping me clean, watching his shows quietly while I get stuff done. At one point I walked into the living room to find him sitting on the couch, but really grooving to Fraggle Rock! It was so funny, his arms were just going and his head bobbing. So cute!

When we got back from the island last night we met up with James and had a family doctor’s appointment. Nothing serious, just pill renewal and a few questions. I was concerned about how Andrew would be because he has been frightened by the doctor up till now. Which makes sense given that the only time he’s gone to the doctor was for needles basically! So he associates the doctor with pain. When we got to the clinic he said, ‘No!’ because he knew where we were but we explained the appointment was for us and not him, he was just there to say Hi to the doctor. He kept saying, ‘Andrew, done. Mommy, Daddy, doctor…Andrew, done.’ We finally got him thinking it was kind of cool to be at the doctor’s by talking about the episode of Curious George where he goes to the clinic with the Man with the yellow hat and pretends to be a doctor! He thought that was pretty cool. We waited in the little room for the doctor and at that point Andy was scared. I asked if he wanted to sit up on the table thingy and there was NO WAY he was sitting up there! Well by the time we were halfway through the appointment, he was sitting up on the table, showing the doctor his painted nails (yes, my boy desperately wanted to wear pink nail polish, so be it! Although more on that later…) And he even asked for his own prescription! ‘Andrew’s own ‘scription!’ he told the doctor =D He high fived him on the way out. So that’s pretty awesome because next time he has to go to the doctor’s he won’t be screaming and crying the entire time.

After that we went to my mil’s new place...WJRWHJIW)@*)#&@^#!(! OK, it wasn’t that bad, but yeah obviously even if a visit ‘goes well’ there is still a barrier. Don’t think it’ll ever go away! She actually texted me this morning asking if I’d like to go to see a movie with her tonight or tomorrow…And that’s a nice gesture, right, but the thing is it’s just not possible for me to do that with her. I would feel stifled and nervous and I just don’t feel up to spending time with her one on one. If things were different, yes, of course we could do something like that, but I don’t think anyone could blame me for thinking it’s not a good idea at this point in time!

Well, TGIF! I’m so glad it’s the weekend and that I get to spend some days with James before I head back to the island again to help my parents out more before they move. AND it’s Mother’s Day on Sunday, so I SHOULD get a little relaxation time in somewhere!! Yay for that!

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Leaving our mark

Given that we built this house and we have been the sole inhabitants of it (until 3 weeks from now), I really want to put something somewhere in the house to sort of leave our family’s mark.  I was considering writing something, maybe with a picture or two, basically just saying who lived here and when.

But I’m having a hard time thinking of exactly what to say, or what might be too much to say.  I don’t know how to approach it.  Anyone have any ideas??  I also don’t know exactly where to put it – should it be somewhere likely to be found (in an obscure spot but still likely found ‘easily’) or should it be somewhere that no one would probably think to look or do renovations – and then it probably would remain a mystery either forever or for years and years.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!  I think my creativity is being stunted by the whirlwind of thoughts constantly racing through my mind these days.  That’s my excuse anyway, and I’m sticking to it!

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Pictures to distract me

We were busy this weekend at my parents’ house – we had a garage sale on both Saturday and Sunday. I don’t particularly enjoy doing garage sales, but this weekend it went really well and we raked in a fair bit of money, which helps my parents out as much as all the decluttering does. It was hard to see some of the things go – my mom’s cedar chest, a wicker bench we used to sit on all the time, a lot of the pictures we had on the walls for years. I’m very sentimental about ‘stuff’ and I love all our things, but ultimately I do know it is just stuff and doesn’t matter when it comes right down to it. We still have a lot we’re holding on to! In fact, as hard as it has been to let go of things, it’s also a huge relief to be purging so much.

We’ve set some plans in motion and have things marked on the calendar so things will come together. They have to. I feel like I permanently have butterflies in my stomach right now, at least till the worst of this is over.

This situation obviously consumes me for the most part, especially since I’ve been at my parents’ place now for a week. BUT for the moment I want to focus a little on Andrew, or at the very least post some pictures from the past few weeks before we came over here. I just realized I haven’t taken any pictures since we got here, or if I have it has only been a handful. I think I’m afraid to remember this feeling so I haven’t felt like capturing moments the way I normally would. I hate being this dramatic! But it’s just the way it is right now.

So here are some pictures, in no particular order because I’m too tired (or perhaps lazy!) to organize them.

Andy and me, decorating Easter eggs on Easter Sunday!
He looks miserable but he was actually really happy, it was just hard (read: impossible) to snap a picture of him quickly enough with a smile on his face before he'd rip the bunny ears off again!
Checking out his freshly decorated eggs!
Enjoying an afternoon Yop at the park, the little Yop addict that he is!  lol
I absolutely LOVE this picture even though he's having a mini tantrum in it.  He looks like such a baby, and an adorable one at that!
At Jugo Juice before heading for the bus home.  He just got that new Spiderman hat, but was getting desperate for a nap after getting up super early that morning. 
I picked him up and he fell asleep in my arms before we even reached the bus stop that was about 2 minutes away!
At City Hall in Burnaby
A flower name I couldn't help but laugh at (I'm immature like that) at Deer Lake.  James said it out loud and then Andrew, the little parrot that he is, starting yelling at the top of his lungs, 'Blue tiiiiiiiit, blue TIIIIIIIIIIIIT!'  LOL

Having so much fun at the park :P  Actually, I think he WAS having a blast and this was when we said we had to get going!

Picking daisies.

Andrew asked me for a penny to throw in the water, and I said he could have one if he said cheese for the camera.  This is what he gave me (and I gave him 3 pennies!!)

James put this dandylion in my hair, it wasn't my idea!  I was feeling weird about it and I think that's why I look totally awkward in this photo...but I'm posting it anyway!
Andrew, on the other hand, had no problem with wearing dandylions on BOTH ears!!
I thought the ATM at the fair was hilarious!
Andrew was obsessed with checking out this monster ride, even though he was way too little to actually go on it.
And he thought the clowns on the garbage cans were pretty darn cool!
I love our little outdoor adventures, I can't wait till the weather improves for more than just one day here and there and it is actually SUMMER TIME!  So much fun to be had...

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