Saturday, February 26, 2011

I want a mother in law who loves me

Today we ventured downtown because James was having his work office moved and needed to be there to supervise it. Andrew and I tagged along because I wanted to pop in at my aunt and uncle’s to drop off my aunt’s bday gift. I also thought it would be nice to see the new office so I’d have a visual of it when he talked about it.

It was snowing when we left, and boy was it ever snowing when we came home! It all went fine (and Andrew and I had a great visit at my aunt and uncle’s) but I’ve got to say, I’m glad it’s James commuting every day and not me. Of course, it’s different when it’s just him than when it’s us with Andrew…I found the entire trip downtown I was doing everything I could to entertain the boy so he wouldn’t fuss. Not relaxing at all – whereas James can take a magazine or listen to music or whatever on his way to work. Essentially, he is getting close to 2 hours of ‘him time’ every day, because I certainly don’t get to zone out for those stretches of time 5 days a week!!! But still, I’d rather go about the daily activities that Andy and I get up to than to have to make that long, boring trek into the city.

I’m having a reeeeeeeally hard time compartmentalizing what’s going on with the mother in law. Which, if you’re not up to date, you will know what I’m referring to if you read my previous post about it.

It gets worse.

Basically, she asked James if I was ‘still’ mad at her (meanwhile, she had yet to say anything whatsoever to me about it, and in fact still hasn’t) and he said yes. She seemed aghast about that, and then he said, ‘Well, you did lie to her.’ She didn’t want to hear that, so got off the phone with him pretty quickly after that.

Only to follow up with texts, when she knew we were on our way travelling downtown. He ignored her till he had time to talk to her, and called her while Andy and I were visiting at my aunt’s. Basically she is trying to turn everything around, once again, to be MY FAULT.

So let me get this straight. You LIED to me, planned it out in advance and deliberately lied right to my face. And I’m not supposed to be upset with you about it?! And because I AM upset with you about it, you’re going to try to come up with reasons to be upset with me so you don’t have to deal with why I’m upset with you?!

Who’s the biggest baby in the whole entire world??!!!

Anyway…She is now saying that I haven’t been grateful enough for helping me look after Andrew. I guess saying, ‘Thank you for taking him today!’ or ‘I really appreciated the time to get thing done, thanks!’ wasn’t enough. I suppose it would have been better if I’d thrown myself at her feet, showering her in thanks because, after all, it is such a choooore to have to look after her one and only grandchild. It now appears to me she was only doing it for praise. Actually, it very much seems to me that she knew full well she would eventually lord it over me LOOK AT WHAT I DID FOR YOU! in some sort of sick attempt at once again getting away with her shitty, shitty behaviour.

So she lied to me, and now I am ungrateful. Oh, and I am also way too rigid. Because apparently if I wasn’t so ‘rigid’, she would be able to hand James a joint to smoke no problem, she wouldn’t have to take such extreme measures to get her son high.

MY BAD.

Once again, not to mention that if James wanted to get high, he could do so without help from his mother. And did she ever think that PERHAPS, just MAAAAYBE he makes his OWN decisions? And not smoking pot at this point in his life is NONE OF HER FUCKING BUSINESS?! And again, SERIOUSLY, I obviously come from an EXTREMELY different upbringing, but in my mind I have to ask, WHAT KIND OF MOTHER PUSHES DRUGS ON HER CHILD?????????? It is so bizarre to me, it is so WRONG and crazy and I don’t understand any of it.

So that’s sort of where we’re at. Basically where we were before I stupidly thought for five seconds that things might actually be able to be OK between us. And it’s so sad, too, because I completely let my guard down, which now I’m kicking myself for, because once again I’ve got hurt by a person so totally not worth allowing to hurt me.

It’s so frustrating because I have no choice but to have SOME relationship with her, right, because if she has one with James and with Andrew – especially one with Andrew – how can I not be the least bit involved? But I am so angry with her, and so completely DO NOT TRUST HER that now I am not only completely uninterested in having anything to do with her myself, I’m also apprehensive to put Andrew in her care. For one thing, because I don’t trust fully that she is totally capable of looking after a child (given she left him on a path to go pee in the woods, for example), and for another thing because I don’t care to let someone look after him who will then turn around and ask why she’s not being praised for spending time with him. Like I said, as if it’s a chore, like she’s doing ME a favour to spend time with her grandson. Heaven forbid she should be doing it because she truly loves to.

Right now it sounds like things between her and my bil are fairly decent, which makes me wonder if her lack of drama with him means she needed to create it somewhere else. She feeds off it like a vampire feeds off blood, she can’t live without her fix of drama (and marijuana, as it happens, HA). So I get to be her current victim, fun.

I just can’t shake it – even though I know eventually I have to. I can’t continue on feeling this way because I’m ultimately only hurting myself, and I know it’s true that she really isn’t worth it. But I can’t help it, because I’m not used to being treated with such disrespect. It isn’t at all warranted, and I’m just wracking my brain trying to figure out why she would do this but for the life of me I just don’t get it!

She was going on to James apparently about the amazing effort she’s been putting in these past few months since she got here – and, yes, I thought I was doing a great job, too, of ‘putting in effort.’ I was more than happy to continue on that path, toward bettering our relationship, but if you’re going to blatantly lie straight to my face – a lie you PLANNED OUT before you came over – well, that pretty much blows the whole thing. Why can’t she get that? Why is it so hard for her to grasp the concept that FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES! And you have to earn trust – she is not in high school for chrissakes! I got a lecture from my mom about earning trust after someone loses their trust in you when I was in, like, grade 10 because I was starting to hang out with some of the wrong people which caused me to sometimes lie to my parents…I learned my lesson and my mom’s words really stuck with me, I stopped that behaviour because I took it hard that my mom said she couldn’t trust me and we had to rebuild that in our relationship. Yet my mil just doesn’t care because she acts however she pleases and then wipes her hands of it because everything on earth that happens is my fault, or at the very least ANYONE’S BUT HERS.

End of, for now. That’s where we’re at, so I guess we’ll just see how it all unfolds. It’s just insanity to me that she has yet to approach ME about this AT ALL – all communication has been through James and I HATE that. But when I told James I wanted to approach HER on the topic, he said it wasn’t in my best interest and would only make things worse and she’d try to create ammunition against me from whatever I said to her. I get what he’s saying, but how warped is it that I can’t even communicate my feelings to her?! Another reason why it’s impossible for us to have any sort of relationship, at least of a healthy variety.

I do not like her. After this one, I don’t see how I ever could. Just one more strike of many, now it would seem there are TOO MANY TO COUNT.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Creepy crawlies and other stories

Last night I dreamt that we had a bed bug infestation and when I woke up from the dream I felt itchy and as if I was crawling in bugs. I hate dreams like that!

The other night I had a similar dream about spiders. I think now that we’re on the ground floor basically surrounded by forest, my sub-conscious (and conscious!) mind is fretting about the impending bug issue. It’s only natural that we’d get more bugs in here than we did in our last few places, because we were in high rises. I saw maybe 1 spider in our last place in the whole 3 years we were there! Whereas when we used to live in Burnaby before, we were on the 3rd floor but by forest so we still ended up with quite a few critters. Ugh, it makes my skin crawl just thinking about it.

At least we have 2 cats, one of which (cough, cough, MOORKA!) will really help with in terms of keeping bugs at bay, because she is a great stalker and enjoys a good bug snack. But it’s going to be interesting…I don’t want to teach Andrew to fear bugs, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to pretend I’m not terrified! Especially when it comes to spiders, but who am I trying to kid – I think I can handle ladybugs and maaaaybe the odd wood bug, but that’s about where it ends!!!

Anyway…Change of topic, please and thank you!

Tonight we’re having my bro and sil over to see our new place. I’m excited to show off the new digs, and hang out in a waaaay more comfortable place than our old one. We were always totally crammed in there, with no space whatsoever to sit comfortably, no real atmosphere. I’ve got the fire log all set and ready to be lit for when they get here!

Andy’s taking a nap, which normally I don’t encourage since it means he’ll be up late, but because his aunt and uncle will be here at least if he’s napped he’ll be in a better mood for their visit! And with having people over it would be unlikely he’d go to sleep early anyway – too many people to show off for! I had a short nap with him before I got him settled in bed so I could get some things done in preparation for tonight.

I’m looking forward to the weekend, especially ‘sleeping in’ (catching, if I’m lucky, an extra hour of sleep than my usual, aaaaahhhh!), getting James to help me decide where to put up more of our pictures, hopefully finishing the unpacking (just a few things left!), and exploring our new area a bit more. It’s supposed to snow tomorrow, which would be both a shame and a blessing. I prefer no snow in some ways, but it’s not like we really need to go anywhere, and it’d be pretty fun for Andrew to get dressed up in his snowsuit (that he’s only worn once and there was barely a centimetre of snow!!) and run around in the back yard!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Loving my afternoon fire!

I am sitting cozy on the couch with a glass of red wine, watching the flames lick the fireplace. How’s that for civilized?! It could be years again before I get another day to myself, so I’ve gotta ‘live it up’ while I’ve got the chance. Ha!

I went to the mall this morning and got 30lbs of fire logs (good thing I remembered by suitcase-like carrier thing, although it’s not meant to carry that much weight and nearly busted – but I made it home first!!) I also got a few other little things we needed, and picked up a sandwich for my lunch when I got home. Did it all on one bus transfer, yay me! Oh and I even got a pair of jeans hemmed, awesome!

I remembered the bus time for heading to the mall, left our place and within one minute of getting to the bus stop, it arrived. Everything just worked out perfectly!

When I got home I had my lunch and then got to work. Vacuumed (which I don’t really HAVE to do since there’s no carpet, but I thought it would be faster and ‘easier’ than sweeping…), cleaned the bathroom, got a few things done in the kitchen I’d been meaning to get to. I did a bit of tidy-up in Andrew’s room and put up the little $3.00 Toy Story basketball hoop that I got him from the dollar store at the mall. Still more work to be done in his room, but I want James to put his shelves up, and then I’ll organize them. I got all the cd’s and dvd’s put away so the last box from the living room has been removed. I still have major work to do in our bedroom but I decided I’d better do SOME relaxing before getting started on that, or this whole day will have been taken up by chore type stuff. Even though I ENJOY that kind of ‘work’, it’s still tiring, and I know James would scold me if he got home and I told him I hadn’t relaxed AT ALL!!

I think I will go drink my wine, maybe finish my sandwich, and perhaps watch a show. Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh =)

She's at it again...

I have the whole entire day to myself. It’s a day that parentless people might call their ‘weekend’, or at least part of it - something I’m not really accustomed to having anymore! Sure I’ve had ‘me time’ but there have always been a million things I needed to get done during that ‘me time’ so it never was truly just a time to relax. I won’t totally relax today either, not for the whole day at least. I have a lot I still want to do to get the new place organized (which is work, but fun work!) and I want to hit up the mall for a few things we need that Andrew wouldn’t let me look around for when I took him there with me the other day!

I am happy to have this time to just do as I please (even though I’m already totally missing the boy, call me pathetic if you want to but I can’t help myself!)

There is just one little thing that is bugging at me that I need to vent about in order to then move on (as much as I can) and not let it affect me the whole entire day.

See, the way I am able to have this ‘me day’ is because James took Andrew with him to work this morning and from there his mother will be picking Andy up and taking him till James is done work and brings him home. Andrew was excited right off the bat. When Daddy came in to wake him up around 7:30, he said, ‘Do you want to go to work with Daddy today?!’ Normally Andy’s morning response (or often all day response) to his dad asking him to do something WITHOUT MOMMY would elicit the kicking and screaming response of NOOOOOOOO! But he sat bolt upright immediately and said, ‘Yeah! Daddy work! FUN!’ That boy can be a total homebody, but he also so often seems up for absolutely anything!

He was just ecstatic, gave me a kiss and a hug and pointed at me, ‘Mommy, home. Home. Chine. Yeah. Andrew, (yes he’s saying his name now, he’s no longer Tattoo!) door. Mommy, home.’ Apparently he was going out the door and I was staying home to vacuum the house with the machine! LOL

He is the cutest thing ever, which is why it was so hard to let him leave without me – he is too delightful to not see for a whole entire day!! BUT it’s good for me to get a break, too, and I know it.

I just kind of wish SOMEONE ELSE was taking him for the day. He has fun with his Nana and I don’t want to begrudge him that. She’s totally animated, what two year old wouldn’t have fun with that, right? But given the way I am feeling about her, I am back at that stage of feeling like she doesn’t DESERVE the time she gets with him. Not to mention the part of me that really can’t relax when he’s with her because I’m always worried about what might happen.

A few days ago she came over in the afternoon. She had asked a few times how things were going with the unpacking etc and I thought it might be her way at hinting that she wanted to come over. So I said she could come over if she wanted – which to me was a HUGE step to basically be inviting the mil over when James was at work! So on Tues she came over in the afternoon. One of the reasons I say I worry about the things that could go awry while Andrew is in her care was because she took him to the park while she was here and said she needed to pee so she just left him on the trail and went into the woods to pee…He stayed in one spot, THANK GAWD, but seriously – who leaves a two year old alone like that? On a trail where someone could take him, or he could run off, and you’re crouched down in the shrubbery with your pants down?! Really? And who pees in a public park – a public park THAT HAS FLUSHING TOILETS AT THE ENTRANCE. So if they’d walked for like 2 minutes she could have taken him into a bathroom stall with her. (Although that isn’t fun with a two year old, I must admit!!)

Anyway…despite being annoyed by little things like that (just who she is as a person, the things she does – we are clearly verrry different individuals!) I felt like we had a fairly decent visit. I made us tea, we sat and chatted. I thought, wow, maybe things CAN improve between us! Maybe they already are! MAYBE just MAYBE I might be able to let go of more of my hard feelings toward her for what happened when Andrew was being born.

Why I ever let my guard down like that, I’ll never know. It’s sheer stupidity on my part, obviously. 12 years of total bullshit doesn’t translate to things ever being able to be normal and good and healthy. I should know that by now!!

What happened was, shortly before she left she put an envelope down on the dining room table and said it was for James. Not only that, but that it was from her friend S (yes HER friend, not his!) She even said that she should have put S’s phone number on the envelope just in case James wanted to call and thank her, but she’d give him that later. I didn’t think too much of it, yes it seemed weird that her friend who James has only met I think 2 or 3 times in his life would have something for him…But I just figured it was maybe an article that had to do with James’ profession or some such thing.

The m-i-l had to go so off she went, and I decided to start preparing supper. Which also involves clearing the table and setting it, of course. So I picked up the envelope to move it and realized that it totally reeked of pot!

I was a bit flabbergasted. I’m not a total prude, I’ve done recreational drugs, but for myself that’s sort of a thing of the past. Whereas my m-i-l openly smoked pot in front of her children, I am of the opposite standpoint on that. Firstly, I would never do drugs like that in front of my child, but also I feel that I need to have my wits about me even if he’s not around me, because what if he DID suddenly need me and I was out of it and couldn’t be there for him? It’s just a ‘me’ thing, I can’t help but be that way. I don’t really have a problem with people smoking pot or whatever, it just doesn’t seem appropriate in my life and also it’s just not something I crave doing!

Well anyway, I couldn’t just put the envelope down and leave it for James, even if it DID have his name on it! As it happens, there was a joint in there, and a note saying, ‘This is the healthy and legal stuff, much like Pep Spice (a thing the m-i-l smokes, apparently legal herbs that she orders online?! Weirdo…) Enjoy your new neighbourhood!’ It was signed S and S’s husband.

I was totally annoyed because I just didn’t get why K’s friends would be sending a joint to James. It just made no sense!

I got with making supper and approached him on the matter after we ate.

He knew nothing about it, and also found it totally strange that she would send him that. He was having lunch with his mom the next day so he said he’d give it back to her to give to S and find out what it was all about.

So last night he came home to tell me that in fact it was from his mom all along…It WAS real marijuana and not the ‘healthy and legal stuff’, it was NOT from her friend but rather from herself…She knows how I feel about pot-smoking in our lives at this point in time and thought she would sneak him a joint so that while I am home with Andrew, he can go off and get high and explore our new neighbourhood.

SHE’S COMPLETELY OFF HER ROCKER, I SWEAR TO GAWD!

First of all, if James was going to smoke pot, he can get his own. And if he was going to do that, he would talk to me about it. We have a relationship where we communicate about what we’re doing, we aren’t deceitful toward each other. It makes me soooooo maaaaaad that she outright lied to me, and not just a little white lie but actually fabricated the whole thing, in order to try to sneak him drugs. Seriously, what kind of mother does that?! I totally don’t get her at all.

So here I was, making her tea and sitting down to chat with her, when instead I could have been beating my head against a brick wall – which would have felt a helluva lot nicer than the pain of once again feeling stabbed in the back by HER.

Do you think I’m over reacting? I just feel so angry because she made up a whole story ON PURPOSE to deceive me, after I invited her into our home….It is very upsetting to me.

So while, yes, I did allow Andrew to go to her place for the day, no, I am not very happy about it. I appreciate the me time, but the way I feel right now I’d actually be just fine with no me time instead of her being with him. I hate the thought of what she could be filling his head with. I obviously can’t trust her, she has proven herself untrustworthy with this latest little ditty. I can’t stand her. I really thought things were improving but she just can’t help but be her annoying self, totally incapable of positive relationships.

Grrrrr!

And James told her that I was mad at her (even though it was ridiculous for him to do so because at the time I thought it was from her friend, I didn’t know that it had all been a lie!) So you’d think she’d mention that to me, right? Maybe apologize, or say SOMETHING to at least TRY to cover up her idiocy? But no, of course, true to her form, I’ve heard nothing, other than lame texts about other things altogether. DID I MENTION I CAN’T STAND THAT WOMAN?!

Anyway. I’m moving on with my day. She signed a lease for a year in the west end, and we live in Burnaby. It takes an hour to travel one way between our houses. There’s a bit of a buffer zone, at least, and for that I am grateful. She’s done this to herself, I know I’ve made an effort to actually try to see things get better, but she’s made it clear that that can’t happen. I know that for sure now, so I have to just let it be.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

On my way to where the air is sweet

James went and dealt with our old apartment on his lunch break today. I can’t even talk about it. I have to just take a deep breath and move on. Onward and upward, right?

All I know is that I feel soooo good about our new place and it feels like home and I just feel so happy and peaceful here. I know it’s new to us, and that’s part of it, but it’s also so much more.

So instead of dwelling on something that makes me want to punch the wall (only I wouldn’t do that because I wouldn’t want to damage the place – lol)…Here is a happy post about me and the boy’s little excursion this morning.

Actually, I’ll start off by saying that I had a terrible sleep last night, worse than my usual. I’m trying to get Andrew sleeping in his ‘big boy bedroom’ rather than habitually racing into our bed the first time he wakes up in the night. So last night I ended up sleeping in his room pretty much the whole night to get him to stay in there. Which in some ways seems like it’s not really helping – I mean, we’re just going from him sleeping with us to me sleeping with him! And, might I add, me being more uncomfortable than ever since I’m basically sleeping in a crib (turned toddler bed) so I have to scrunch my legs up to even fit, and I’m afraid to move once I’m in there because it shouldn’t hold my weight and I’m just waiting for the thing to collapse to the floor!

Anyway, Andrew decided to wake up before 6 and get up at 7 (we usually don’t get up till 8 or after)…Needless to say (although I think I already said it anyway!) I was running on empty the moment I got up. My eyes were stinging, which I always take as a sign that I didn’t get enough sleep!

The minute we were up Andrew was going to the back door saying, PARK! I told him it was way too early to go to the park. He kept at me, and I told him that the people who live by the park were still sleeping so we had to wait till they called to tell us they were up and we could go. LOL He seemed happy with that for a while. But a few hours later he started in again, so I got us dressed and ready and off we went.

Because the park is so close, I didn’t bother to pack a bag of stuff to take. I figured if we needed anything we could just come home quickly. Luckily I thought to take along a few baby wipes though – I know how my boy hates to get dirty! And sure enough he had me wiping mud off his prized light-up Buzz Lightyear shoes on the way there! LOL But actually he DID get fairly dirty and for the most part didn’t seem too bothered by it, so maybe he’s somewhat getting over his hate for being the least bit dirty.

Anyway, it was fun exploring a new area. We were walking into the park and I told Andrew that there was a playground, but when he actually saw it you should have seen the way he lit up! He immediately started running toward it, he was so excited.

We played there a while, explored the trails a bit, stopped by the grocery store for a few things (and he was sooo pleased to push the kid-sized shopping cart around, Little Mr. Big Shot!!) and then headed home. We weren’t home 10 minutes when I put The Best of Sesame Street on and he was out like a light!

He is loving the new neighbourhood, and so am I. When we got to the lawn just away from our back door this morning, Andrew looked up and smiled and said, ‘Oooh, sunny day!’ He is so precious!









The one and only snag

Our move felt seamless, it was just so (almost) perfect. The movers were professional, we thought we were going to have to make another trip with the car but they were more than accommodating and helpful so we were able to get everything out in one go. It was supposed to SNOW that day but was instead bright and beautifully sunny all day. I would be able to say that our move was absolutely PERFECT if it wasn’t for that one snag…

It was when it came time to do the walk-through of our apartment.

Now, back tracking a little bit, a few weeks before our move, one of the main managers (one of the two that we know, whereas there are about 5-6) was showing our suite while we were home. So while she was there, we asked her about a few of the things we were concerned about. For example, we obviously knew the carpet was going to be an issue. We figured they’d blame the terrible condition of the carpet on the fact that we had cats in a strict no pets building. But we pointed out to her that it was an 8 year old carpet, as it hadn’t been changed when we moved in and the previous renters were there for 5 years. There were stains that had been there from before we moved in. It’s the cheapest apartment carpet on the market, so it’s incredible that it lasted as long as it did! She basically agreed with us and said for sure she’d be taking into consideration the age of the carpet, and general wear and tear. There were a few other minor issues that we addressed with her and she acted like it was all no big deal. If we were going to be charged for anything (coming out of our damage deposit) it would be minimal at most.

I spent the last month cleaning every nook and cranny of that suite. I’m a clean person to begin with and take pride in keeping things looking nice.

So I took it as a major blow when the biotch who did the walk-through went around saying it was totally dirty and said outright that we hadn’t done any cleaning! I was not only totally livid, but SHOCKED. How could she think that, let alone say it?!

She went up to the window sill and put her finger to it and said, ‘This hasn’t been cleaned.’

In the days leading up to the move, I literally spent HOURS on those windows and sills and everything in and around them. Obviously on the 9th storey with no balcony and tiny windows, I couldn’t wash the outside, which IS filthy, and is filthy a day after being washed by professional washers due to two things: weather and the fact that about 10 billion cars blow exhaust out every day in that area. But I assure you, the inside was clean, clean, clean!

I said to her, yes, you are going to get a little bit of dust on your finger if you touch the window sill. When we had our furniture in there, I would dust everything perfectly, and an hour later you could see dust forming. It’s something you can’t get away from it. It doesn’t by any means mean the stuff ‘wasn’t cleaned.’

She basically just walked around saying everything was dirty without even actually looking at much of anything. She even told me one thing was filthy that I had literally used a q-tip to clean as best as I possibly could (with help from Mr. Clean!)

I was basically ready to slap her across the face or worse by the time it was all said and done. Not much WAS done, as it happens, because I flat out refused to sign anything based on her recommendations. She said we’d have to pay for the replacement of the carpet (which is bullshit) and for EIGHT hours of cleaning, since they’d have to clean the entire place – which would set us back at least $200 (just for the cleaning, that doesn't include the new carpet).

I said No Way was there 8 hours worth of cleaning to do, and I said I was extremely pissed off that she would even suggest that. James is going to have to go there and do the check out on his lunch break some day this week and deal with it through the management staff we know. Hopefully they are a little more lenient because I’d like to be able to think back fondly of the place, but at this point in time, honestly – for all the wonderful things that happened there, I pretty much hate the place right now.

This woman made it extremely easy for me to walk away without feeling emotional (other than anger, that is). I just felt so DONE with the place after how rude she was. I just can’t believe it because while, yes, some things might appear at first glance to be less-than-perfect, but something to consider is that it was that way before we moved in! I can’t fix what was already broken. I know deep down that I did a great job of keeping that place in as great a condition as possible, so it just makes me sooo mad to have someone tell me straight to my face that I didn’t do any of what I say (and know) I did do!

All the way driving to our new place, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it and kept venting to James about it. He was annoyed by it too, and knew we’d done all that cleaning so he was shocked also by her response. But he can easily just let things slide and wasn’t nearly as affected by it as I was. I felt like our move day was being completely ruined by that experience, which only made me feel more resentful.

But you know what? As livid as it makes me feel in some ways when I think about it, I have to say that once we got into the new place and started making it our home, I had to (for the most part) just let it go. Because being here made me realize how un-homey that place was. This really feels like HOME, it’s like a haven, really. Our last place, I’m realizing now, was more just a ‘place’, and while it had its good qualities, it was lacking in more ways than I knew at the time!

So I’m just glad to be out of there, and enjoying our new space. I can’t express how amazing it is not to be dealing with the traffic noise that we had living on West Pender Street. I think it affected me way more than I ever realized. Now I can sit on the couch and listen to the crackle of the fire and literally hear NOTHING else. That is AMAZING to me. It is sooo relaxing here, and it feels good to be HOME.

Monday, February 21, 2011

2nd full day in the new digs

Today my cousin’s significant other came over to look after Andrew while James and I got some stuff done in the new place. First we went out for lunch though (hey, we had to get our strength up for all the hard work we would be doing!) There isn’t a whole lot in our area in terms of restaurants and that sort of thing. In fact, I think the pub we went to is literally the only one within easy walking distance. It wasn’t very good. But oh well, we are hoping to save money by not eating out much anyway!

After our brunch/lunch we went for a short walk. It was verrry cold and I wasn’t wearing a heavy enough jacket for too much of a walk. Plus we were tired from all the unpacking and didn’t feel up to a big excursion! I was actually sick this morning and ended up having to take a Gravol in order to not keep getting sick. It helped stave off the nausea, but I was soooo groggy because I haven’t taken Gravol in quite a while now so my body wasn’t used to its effects. So frustrating – I wanted to do so much but I felt sooo out of it. Although I did still manage to accomplish a lot.

On our little walk though – we found out we actually live right near a sizable park that just a few minutes walk from our place has a giant playground area! How awesome is that. It really feels like this is the perfect area to raise a family. I know this will sound cynical but I am just waiting for something horrible to happen in some ways, because there is that little voice, that pest on my shoulder if you will, telling me that it’s impossible for everything to be THIS perfect! Don’t get me wrong, I still have a lot of stress in my life, mostly to do with my parents’ situation…All is not perfect by any means. But in terms of our new place and set up here, it’s pretty fantastic and I sure hope it stays that way!

We came home to see Andrew and K playing together happily. She is so good with him, there was a daycare in her home growing up so she’s amazing with kids and so enthusiastic about getting together with him. It’s awesome that we’re now living so much closer to each other!

Got lots of unpacking done and slowly getting things put into their ‘right place.’ It’s hard designating what goes where. I have done a lot of it but there is so much still to do, and so many cupboards and things just loaded up but not yet properly organized. So there is still a lot to be done yet!

I should try to go to bed pretty soon because the goal is to begin the process of Andrew sleeping in his own bed and not continuing his routine of running to our bed in the middle of the night. It’s sad to be going through this process now because a part of me wants to just let him sleep with us till it’s absolutely necessary to stop it. But I know I’ll get more actual sleep time if he’s not in there with us every night, and I know it’s healthy for him to feel secure sleeping through the night on his own. Especially if we’re to have another child – I want him to be sleeping in his own room happily before that so he doesn’t think he’s being replaced by the new baby or something along those lines.

All that to say I should sleep when I can, because most likely I won’t be getting much rest at all the next while, as we make this transition. Adding insult to injury is the fact that James will be away for about 2 hours longer per day than I’m used to given the added travel time for him to get to and from work from here. Sigh. But oh well, I’ll be even more exhausted than usual but I’ll get through it! It’ll be fun getting Andrew’s ‘help’ in deciding where things should go – and extra fun exploring our new neighbourhood!

The post about the few moments in time that went awry on our move day to come…I need to vent about it for sure, but I just need to find the right time.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

We made it!!!!!

The big move happened yesterday, and I am happy to report that (for the most part) it all went swimmingly!

I will get to the (for the most part) part in a separate post. This one is just to say that first of all, the movers were A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. We’ve hired movers 3 times now, and I am going to say these guys were by far the most professional (there’s no comparison, really) and they took such care with our stuff that I seriously have so far not seen ANY damage whatsoever. It also ended up costing a little less than I’d predicted!

So yeah…it was stressful just getting that process done. I know we weren’t technically doing the work (although we still seemed to be doing a fair bit of running around, doing some last minute things) but I just found myself tense worrying that things wouldn’t go smoothly transitioning to the new place.

Andrew was set to be with his nana for the day. When she picked him up at 8:30, I gave him some hugs and kisses and reminded him that we were moving, so this would be the last time he’d be in that apartment. His lip quivered and he started outright sobbing, and I said, ‘So you’d better say goodbye to this place now’ and he literally looked around, lip still in full pout, and said, ‘Buh-bye! Buh-byyyye!’ It was the sweetest, most heart-wrenching thing ever!

So the move happened, we transported the cats and a few oddball items in my aunt and uncle’s car that we borrowed and all was well (for the most part!)

I swear, we got into the new place and I sort of felt as if I was in heaven (if I was to believe in heaven, that is). It just immediately felt like ‘home’. I LOVE it here!

It was a big mound of crazy though, with the sheer amount of boxes just piled high in the dining room…to the point you couldn’t even get in there. It was a bit insane. But after the movers left and the cable guy (who we cancelled cable from, incidentally! But did get phone and internet from) left, I did the best I could to sort boxes according to room and at least made it so we had a decent path going from place to place. We got a lot done before nana brought Andrew to his new home for the first time. His room was largely done (nowhere near actually being done, but bed put together, some of his toys out – made to be homey for the little lad!) We also got our bed all put together, the dining room table, that sort of thing. It actually looked relatively cozy even though there were still (and still are!) so many boxes strewn about. I think in some ways we’ve become accustomed to living amongst the clutter of boxes, since I started packing practically the day after we signed the lease a month ago!! But who am I kidding – I could never truly get used to living that way, and I (with James’ help, of course!) have been a busy bee getting things organized as much as possible.

So anyway, Andrew arrived at his new home. I met him at the front door of the building and he was crying for me at first (it was a long day without seeing each other at all!) but after some hugs and kisses he ran along the hallway and actually stopped at the right door. He had come with us when we signed the lease, because we wanted him to see where he was going to be living ahead of time (which we realize now was super important, or at least we think so, in his transition from our old house to the new, because he could picture it in his mind all the times we’ve talked about it). We came in and he said the name of our landlord, who he met (and was crushing on, I swear!!) when we signed for the place. I said she moved to Victoria and that’s why her house was now our new home. He thought about it for a minute, then said, ‘(Insert name of landlord here), gone, ‘toria. Tattoo (Andrew), home. Yep!’ And aside from maybe one time disagreeing with me when I said we were now ‘home’, he hasn’t once made a fuss as though he wants to be back at our old place! He loves it here!

He ran into the living room where we had a fire log burning in the fireplace, he smiled and pointed at it and said, ‘Cozy!’ Then, ‘Happy!’ and I asked him, ‘Are you happy, Andrew? Do you like it here?’ And he kept smiling and said, ‘Yeah!’

We showed him his bedroom and he seemed quite pleased with it. Later in the evening I was sitting on the couch and he went into his bedroom on his own. I could hear him going around saying, ‘Ooooh!’ as he discovered different things he liked about it. Cutest. Thing. Ever!!!

He didn’t sleep in his own bed last night, in fact there was NO WAY he was going to sleep in his bed, or at all so it seemed. He’d had a late nap and seemed wired. But we decided since it was our first night, we could all pile into our bed – cats and all!

Oh, which reminds me – the cats and their transition! They’ve been in all 3 of our places with us so they’re ‘used’ to moving, but that doesn’t mean they like it! We put them in the hall closet for while the movers did their thing, just so they wouldn’t run away on us. We gave them free rein of the closet, but Moorka refused to get out of her crate at all. After the movers left, I tried to force her out by basically tipping the crate, and out popped FIONA and THEN Moorka! LOL You know it’s BAD when they are cuddled up together, because they are NEVER that close to each other.

Fiona took a while before venturing out to look around, but Moorka took way longer. She actually ran right into their litter box after I forced her out of the crate, and she stayed huddled in there for several hours, ventured out a bit, then went back to the box for some time before getting out and exploring. They’re still adjusting, as we all are, but I think they are loving it here as much as the rest of us. Being on the ground floor, they can sit on the windowsills and look out and in general they have more space to move around. They are loving how our bedroom is bigger because I have my cedar chest (which has a cozy, cushioned top to it) at the foot of the bed and they have both taken to sitting on it!

So Andrew slept pretty well last night. I slept OK, I guess decently for me and my sleep issues, and being in a new place etc. It was soooo quiet, almost too quiet in that I have become soooo used to always listening to sirens and craziness from cars and truck engines and buses going by at all hours. Traffic insanity, basically right outside our window. But I am not complaining – I was truly enjoying the silence!

This morning I got up and James already had a fire log on. All we could hear was the sound of the crackling flame in the fireplace, and a few birds chirping outside. It kind of felt like we were on vacation somewhere!

We spent the day doing more unpacking, then the bil came over and looked after Andrew so James and I could go get a tv unit. We got a great corner unit at Jysk on sale for only $99.99! It’s pretty basic, but totally all we need/want and it fits the space perfectly. I can always paint or stain it down the road, though for now I’m happy with it as is.

We brought that home, also stopped and got some wine at the liquor store and to M&M Meats for some vegetarian meal options (sounds bizarre I know, but they do have lots of veg stuff, and since we happened to see it was in the complex we went to, we thought we might as well get a few things to stock the freezer with for days when cooking isn’t going to happen!)

Came home, and the bil left and my aunts and uncles (two sets!) came over to check the place out, and get their car back (well, the one set anyway!) They were all super impressed with our new place and we all agreed it feels so much more like a home than the last place.

More and more unpacking done as the day went on, feeling exhausted but I’ve been pushing myself because I know the payoff of getting it done is going to feel great!

Tomorrow my cousin’s significant other is on her way over to help with Andrew while we unpack. We might go out and explore the area a bit more. Oh, it turns out there’s a little playground about a two minute walk from our place, as is the grocery store! Awesomeness. Seriously, I am completely in love with this place already.

And the guy upstairs, I can hear him walking around but that totally doesn’t bother me at all. I have heard NO noises otherwise and this makes me gloriously happy!

Let’s hope it continues on the way it’s going! If it does, this is definitely by far going to be my favourite place ever =)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The big move...


Tonight marks our last night of packing – so we can start unpacking it all tomorrow!!

I have to say, I’m shocked at how quickly this all happened – it was literally one month ago tomorrow that I found the listing for our new place, and we’re moving into it tomorrow.  Time goes so fast.  I’m going to miss our current place…but I’m so relieved that the packing and preparing for the move will be over and done with.  Once we’re a bit settled in we can start exploring our new area and it will become ‘home’ faster than we probably think.

Hopefully Andrew transitions ok.  I think he will, I just know it’ll tear at my heart strings when he inevitably says, ‘Home’ referring to this place and we’ll have to keep reminding him that we don’t have this place anymore.  I bet he’ll forget pretty quickly though – all his/our stuff will be there, and he’ll have a new area to explore, too!  It’s going to be exciting for all of us.

I doubt I’ll be online for a couple of days.  Lots to do!  I want to get us unpacked and settled as quickly as possible so it can feel homey right away.  No more climbing on boxes for Andrew, or biting chunks off of them.  Probably the only ‘good’ thing about all the boxes has been free colouring ‘books’ for the boy!  He’s made masterpieces of all the boxes in our living room in the past week or so!

Think positive thoughts that our move goes smoothly.  I still can’t believe this is happening TOMORROW.  I have butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Just a few more days...


It’s Valentine’s Day but we didn’t do anything Valentine’s-y, which was fine by me.  I did get Andy a little heart shaped box with his favourite Toy Story characters on it, filled with chocolate.  When I gave it to him, he explaimed, ‘Ooooh!’ and was quite thrilled…till he unwrapped one of the chocolates and tasted it.  He was totally disgusted that Momma cheaped out and bought him this little box of waxy, poor excuse for chocolate!  LOL  My two year old knows what good chocolate tastes like!!  We made a thing out of opening the chocolates, and therefore playing with the wrappers, before throwing the chocolates in the garbage.  He actually gave me the idea to do that when he tasted the chocolate, spit it out in my hand, looked at the rest of the chocolate and then back at me and said, ‘Gimmage!’ (his word for garbage).  It was truly awful, I couldn’t blame him for not being able to eat it.  I’ve read that kids don’t care – chocolate is chocolate is chocolate.  But this stuff shouldn’t even be on the shelves.  Next year I guess I’ll have to splurge and get him some Purdy’s!!

He did, however, enjoy a few spoonfuls of Nutella later in the day, so that made up for it I think =)

BUT this isn’t meant to be a Valentine’s-y post, so I’ll end that there.

I’m more feeling the ‘omgwe’removingin4days’ pressure to finish packing/anxiety about the unknown.  I really can’t believe our move is just days away.  I feel soooo nervous, which is ridiculous because this is meant to be exciting…

Yesterday my aunt and uncle babysat while James and I borrowed their car to take a load of the more fragile stuff out to the new place.  We wanted to drop a few things off, but we also wanted to go to the mall nearby and get a few things for the new place.  And to just check out our space again and envision how our furniture will look.

I do love the place and I’m looking forward to decorating it, but I’m also nervous about it.  I think I’ve gotten really used to how sound doesn’t travel between suites in the much newer building we’re in now.  Whereas in the short time we were at the new place, I constantly heard walking around from above, AND could hear the guy above us peeing!  I just happened to go into the bathroom to look at the space in there at the same time as a man was standing to pee.  Yay.  I hate how sound travels in older buildings.  The saving grace hopefully is going to be that a hallway is next to our bedroom (one that looks like it probably doesn’t get used all that often) – the only neighbour noise would be from the guy upstairs.  So…I’m sure I can get used to the footsteps, that’s not such a big deal to me, the peeing on the other hand I could do without!  LOL  It’s just different, you know…I’m obviously used to all sorts of noise whether it be from neighbours in previous apartments or majorly from street noise, which will be awesome to have NONE of.  It’s just different and there’s going to be some adjusting.  I know it’s going to sound totally snobby to say this but I’ve gotten used to having a fob to get into our building and it’s totally bright and clean and looks brand spanking new, inside our suite and out.  Whereas this place has a lot more ‘character.’  Inside the suite is largely redone and looks quite awesome, but the hallways really leave something to be desired.  Not that I am living in the hallway so it’s totally not a big deal, and again, something I can get used to (and we can also use our back door as a front door and avoid the hall if we want to, which is a cool option to have!) 

Obviously we took the place because we think the pros totally outweigh the cons.  I think my apprehension is knowing all the stuff I’m going to have to get used to.  Such as feeling quite secluded compared to where we are now, always having to take the bus everywhere.  I’m not totally looking forward to losing certain conveniences.  But the space really will be worth it, and it’ll be fun exploring a new area.  Also, I noticed all the people we ran into while we were moving a few things in were SO friendly, and much more friendly than what we’d find here in Coal Harbour.  So I think it’s going to be really great that way, I’m looking forward to meeting new people and hopefully some families in our age group with small children who can be Andrew’s friends!

We have many happy memories from our current place to take with us.  This apartment will always hold a special place in our hearts – not to be too graphic, but Andrew was conceived here (lol) and it was his first family home.  I wonder if he’ll have any memory of this place when he’s older.  He sure loves it here now!  But I’m excited to know that we’ll create many new and wonderful memories at our new place, which feels like more of a ‘family home’ than this does.  I just want to get the move part over and done with, so I can unpack and relax!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

A new phase

I just finished stripping the border print off Andrew’s bedroom walls. That room has come full circle. It started off as our home office, became Andrew’s nursery, and now it has become what the room was originally advertised as: a storage space!
As I was taking the border print off (thank gawd it was fairly easy, only took about 45 minutes to do the whole room), I couldn’t help but think about the day we put it up. It was in August of 2008. We were so eager about the arrival of our baby that we decorated his or her room 4 months before their due date! We didn’t know if ‘baby’ would be a boy or a girl, so I picked a unisex theme. Though once we had our boy I saw how much blue was in the pattern, and wondered if sub-consciously I knew all along that it was Andrew growing in my belly =)

Here I am, preggo and setting up baby's room in August '08!
I remember how at first Andrew was oblivious to the border print, naturally, since he was just a little newborn babe. Then, as he became more alert and interested in anything and everything, he started to point at the sheep, bunnies, and birds on the print. Eventually he would learn to help me count the apples on the apple trees, or how many sheep their were, or where the clouds were. It served its purpose, and went beautifully with the ‘counting sheep’ theme that I picked out for Andy’s nursery.

Making a silly sad face to show that I can't believe his 'baby' days are over!  lol
It’s sad to have stripped his baby bedroom apart, but at the same time I’m excited. While I sometimes miss the pudgy little baby he once was, I love the ‘big’ boy that Andrew is becoming! And so it makes sense that we would now transition him to a big boy bedroom. We decided on an animal theme for his new bedroom, and once we’ve got it all set up for him, I think he’s going to love it!

It’s a new phase, and I’m looking forward to all the adventures to come!

Hangin' with his big sis Fiona

Andrew and Fiona get along pretty well.  Or, should I say - Fiona tolerates Andrew amazingly well!  Which is why it's Fiona and Andrew hanging out together, not Moorka and Andrew!!

(As a side note, you can probably notice for yourself that Andrew has a current obsession with temporary tattoos!)

Still tolerating...
Her patience level is better than mine!!
Luckily she's pretty good about keeping her claws to herself, but Andrew wasn't too happy when she'd had enough and jumped off the couch!  Here he is saying, 'She She!' - which is his way of calling her 'Fifi'!
Over all, he's getting better with the kitties these days.  He even gives them kisses sometimes, or pats them on the back.  It's pretty cute to see him interact with his big sisters  =D

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

The Hulk

When I was a little kid, I did this thing that I referred to as 'The Hulk.'  I would make fists and hold my breath and flex my muscles.  People thought it was funny.  Until when I was about 8, when on Christmas Day I did The Hulk at my nana's house and fainted from holding my breath for too long.  I fell, hit my eye on the foot of a chair, and went home with a black eye.  That was the last time I ever attempted The Hulk.
You'd never expect such a thing to be inheritable.  How Andrew took over the reigns as Hulk is beyond me!  I didn't teach it to him, and neither did anyone else.  But all of a sudden, several months ago, he started doing it.  And he thinks it's the funniest thing ever.
He has obviously heard me say that it scares me to watch him do this.  Because last night he was doing something entirely different and I said to him, 'Andrew, don't scare Mommy, ok?' and he immediately stopped what he was doing, did The Hulk, and then burst out laughing.
I didn't want to encourage him, but at the same time, it WAS funny.  And I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures of it.  I just won't let him do it long enough that he could faint like his Momma did all those years ago...

I love my crazy boy!

Less than 2 weeks...

I’m a mad packer! Not meaning that I’m angry with it, but that I’ve been madly packing things up in prep for moving in TEN days. I can’t believe it’s coming up so fast!

I know 10 days seems like a ton of time to get it all done in, but given I’ll be on the island for at least 3 of those days, I want to get as much done now as I can. I’ll just feel better if I come back on the weekend knowing there isn’t thaaaat much left to do.

So much drama involved in a move. I hate the anxiety of all the what ifs. Such as, what if there’s crazy traffic and it ends up costing us way more to get this move completed? Or, what if they break our stuff? Or, what if we absolutely hate the new place when we move into it and then we’re stuck there?

Of course, we’ve always had fairly ‘easy’ moves before – as easy as moving can be. No major hiccups to speak of. And at least in the beginning, I’ve always loved where we’ve chosen to live!

I think my only real concern is noise. What will the neighbourly noise be like in the new place? It’s an older building (1985-ish) so it isn’t likely to be as ‘silent’ (between suites) as it is in our current place. We heard the occasional crying when there were 2 babies living next door, but beyond that we’ve really never heard the neighbours here at all. But even after 3 years of NOT hearing anything that I’d rather not hear from people next door, I was deeply scarred by hearing all the promiscuous sex next door to our bedroom in our last place, and the angry alcoholic screaming death threats to me through the wall opposite our living room. I’d honestly rather hear the death threats than the sex. I can’t quite explain it, but I just reeeeally don’t enjoy hearing that from my neighbours.

The landlord at our new place (she owns the suite, it’s not building-managed in that sense) said that there’s only one wall in the kitchen that is directly beside anyone, and that neighbour is an old lady in a wheelchair and doesn’t speak much if at all…As in, possibly she CAN’T speak. So there shouldn’t be any noise coming from her. Our bedroom wall apparently has dead space beside it and then a hallway so she said it’s unlikely you’d hear any noise from there. There’s only the ‘neighbour’ who lives above us, and she said she’s only ever heard if he’s doing maintenance, such as hammering, but it’s rare. The only thing she hears occasionally is the water in the pipes, and you get that anywhere, so I am trying to feel calm about what the noise will be like. An awesome perk to the new place is going to be how quiet we will notice it is with facing green space as opposed to West Georgia Street! Can’t wait for that change. I have vowed for years now that the next time we move, we’ll face a quiet street. Well, we went a step beyond that to not facing a street AT ALL!!

It’s just nerve-wracking, the unknown, losing the familiarity of this place we’ve called home for 3 years, this general area we’ve called home now for 5-6 years. I will miss it, definitely, although in all honesty I’m kind of excited about having a new area to explore and get to know. Yes, it’s far more secluded than this, but maybe that’s going to be a welcome change. There are walking trails nearby our new place apparently, so we’ll have to check that out and see if it’ll be a safe and fun thing to do with Andrew. I am picturing some fun spring/summer outdoor excursions in areas where the boy can’t get up to too much mischief!

I just can’t wait to have everything moved to the new place so I can start setting it up and settling us in. Then we can cozy up by the fireplace and start enjoying our new home.

Thirty 1

My birthday ended up being a pretty good day. It already feels like it was ages and ages ago, even though it has only been 3 days! Ever since Jan 1 it feels like time is going at a completely different rate, it’s hard to explain. Or maybe so-called ‘important dates’ just aren’t seeming as important to me right now.

But it was still a good day over all. I was a bit weepy after I posted what I did early in the morning, so I guess maybe it was good that I got some tears out! I could have cried a lot more, actually, but I didn’t want to be all blubbery on my birthday. I was in a bit of a ‘mood’ for a while but finally it passed and we headed out for the day.

James’ mom took Andrew so we could go meet up with my bro and sil at The Kingston for brunch/lunch/drinks. We used to go out drinking with them from time to time and have had plenty of ‘house parties’ just the four of us over the years…Until I got preggers with Andrew and basically stopped drinking ever since. N is always trying to get me to take up the drink again (lol) so she was all about ordering me some sort of drink for my birthday. I first had Bailey’s in my coffee (I know, I’m a total party animal, what can I say) but then she said she wanted me to have a ‘dirty’ drink, just for fun – since we all had dirty drinks ordered for us ‘when we were young!’ She asked the waiter to get me a dirty shot and when he came back with it, he said, ‘Since it’s your birthday, it’s on me, and it’s called Sperm.’ I didn’t know quite how to take that! LOL

We had a nice lunch with them and then they went their separate way and James and I went around to a few shops, looking at inspirations for our new place. Rugs and that sort of thing, although as it turned out we decided we didn’t want to choose anything like that till we’re in the space and have a better idea of how things look and what would fit in the space. We did find a rug at Homesense that I think could be good, but we’ll see. We might inherit one from my bro and sil instead, which would be kind of awesome since then it would be free!

I was wearing really uncomfortable shoes on my birthday and my feet were killing me with all the walking around. We stopped at Timmie’s for coffee and then hit up the lounge at the Century Plaza, where James had scheduled me for an hour massage for my bday present! I was sooooo happy about that. I had a glass of red wine at the lounge that was really good, then James left to go pick up the boy at his mom’s while I went for my massage. It was glooooorious! Just what I needed! I wish I was rich so I could go for a massage like that every single week, it was heaven.

After my massage they give a complementary salad and because it was my birthday, they threw in a glass of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries! I felt like a celebrity!

Then I walked home and got there at the same time pretty much as my bil, who was kind enough to look after Andrew for us so we could go on a dinner date! I spent a bit of time cuddling Andy before we left – he really didn’t want me to go out again because we’d already been apart all day. But he has a lot of fun with his Uncle N so I knew he’d be ok after we left.

We went to Earl’s on Robson because we had got a gift certificate from my uncle for Xmas, which was great because the meal ended up only costing us about $20. We had some fancy drinks, although their 3 ounces ‘deal’ ended up being a farce – I am thinking there are 3 ounces of liquid in the glass, yes, but perhaps not even a drop of it is booze! Still tasty though. We had yummy food and for dessert I had an individual chocolate brownie that was baked with a piece of Toblerone inside. Soooo good!

All in all it was a great day. I still felt a bit sad, and it was also weird in a way because it was the very first ever bday of mine where I didn’t see my mom. But, hey, absolutely everything else seems to be changing in our lives, so it’s only fitting that that would change this year too, right?

Anyway, that was my day of turning 31!

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Rock, paper, scissors

It’s 7am on Saturday, February 5th, 2011. My 31st birthday. (Come to think of it, it's quite fitting I am up so early, since I was born at 7:10 in the morning!)

I remember how excited I used to be when my birthday fell on a weekend. Mind you, my parents (mom especially) always made such a big deal about my birthday growing up that when it fell on a weekday, I never had to go to school!

This year, while I imagine the day will go well (it sounds like James has a few plans made), I don’t feel the excitement about it that I did growing up. I’m sure that’s natural, I mean it’s not like the number ‘31’ is a ‘big’ birthday anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy and grateful to be alive for another year, to be here this day! But for one thing, Andrew’s birthday has kind of taken over (in a good way!) as being ‘the best day of the year’ for me, because his birthday IS my birthday, too! He is the best birthday present anyone could ever wish for.

And secondly, I just don’t feel much like celebrating at the moment.

It feels like my/our/the whole world is changing. An instant caused a chain reaction, though what that instant seems to be is probably not THE instant that created it. It has been looming for a long time, it’s just now that the pieces have shattered and we have to pick them up.

I don’t mean to sound so dramatic. I really do stand by the saying that ‘it is what it is’ and we have to basically, as my dad always says, ‘shake ourselves off and get on with it.’ That’s what people do, that’s what we have to do, in order to survive.

I think being 31 will be great in a lot of ways, it’s not at all that I am dreading being 31 years old, because I do believe it’s still 31 years YOUNG since hopefully I stand the chance of being many decades older than this as time passes!

I think it’s just that this year so far, not just in my own year since technically it’s only starting today, but in the calendar year, I’ve come to realize a lot of things. Or at least a few things. One of them being that you don’t get to have a constant in your life that you know with 100% certainty will always be there. You never know what might happen, you shouldn’t take what you have while you have it for granted, and nothing in this world is safe. Not really, not when it comes right down to it. Yet, we have to plug along, and we do.

I’ve come to realize that I’m really not much of a crier. When I was younger I used to cry a lot, and I mean a phase that lasted a few years, although it was still in private for the most part. I was a closet crier! But then those feelings faded and I just don’t cry much anymore. I feel sad sometimes, I feel emotional, I get very sentimental about things – especially since Andrew came along. But I don’t tend to shed many tears. Sometimes I wish I COULD cry more, just to let the feelings out and be done with them. Sometimes I feel as though I must have a whole lot bottled up inside, but then the tears just don’t come so I don’t know. It must just be the way I handle things. It’s my nature. I have feelings, I’m not cold, but I just don’t…react. Not outwardly at least.

It’s a difficult time. A lot is changing. We move in 2 weeks, and there’s another very big move taking place in the near future aside from ours. The way it feels is that my rock is being jack-hammered and it’s not going to be there anymore. In some ways, it feels like it’s already gone. I don’t know how it’s going to feel when the time has come that it has truly happened, but it’s happening and there is absolutely nothing any one of us can do about it.

In some ways it will be good, I think down the road all of what is happening will have been for a reason, and ultimately for a good one. But it will still be difficult in a lot of ways – difficult to think about, and hard just living. But at the same time, I do have hope that it will also be easier living, in some ways.

I don’t expect anyone to understand EXACTLY what I’m getting at here. I don’t want to be totally open just yet about it all. It’s not the right time. But suffice it to say, it feels like absolutely everything in my world is changing right now. It’s just happenstance that it all came to a head on new year’s day. ‘It is what it is,’ I keep telling myself that, and I know we’ll get through it. Or, at least, I’m pretty sure. I correct myself there because another thing I have realized is that I have to be more careful about my wording. ‘I KNOW’ is a very bold statement to make. I shouldn’t make it when I am not with 100% certainty about a particular situation. And how can I ever be that certain of anything, in this uncertain world?

So today is my birthday. It, too, is what it is. Will be what it will be I guess! I just don’t feel much like celebrating. I know I do have things to celebrate, right now they just feel hidden by the clouds. We’ll get through this, right? We have to.


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