Saturday, December 31, 2011

My boy is officially THREE

Andrew’s birthday turned out…OK.  He said he enjoyed himself, I guess I’m just glad he was turning 3 and not 8 or some age where he’d have been disappointed by our lack of doing much.

James and I weren’t feeling great so we took turns napping while the other one played with the boy.  Andrew loved all his presents, and it was cute watching him and his dad put together the Caillou treehouse, which was a proven hit right off the bat.  Unfortunately, in a bit of a rage later in the day, Andrew accidentally broke it…We couldn’t believe it!  He’d only had it for a few hours!  It’s most likely fixable but it won’t be as sturdy as it would be unbroken.  He sobbed and sobbed after doing it because he realized what he’d done.  So I told him a story about something I broke as a little girl when I was in a similar rage-state, and I told him how much I regretted it because it was something I loved.  He asked me to tell him the story a few times over.  I’m not sure if he really gets it yet or not, but I’m hoping he learned a lesson about not breaking stuff just because you’re mad about something!

He was especially enjoying doing crafts today, so that was good.  The finger paints I got him are cooler than I thought – the ‘colours’ are all a clear jelly type thing and when you put it on the special paper they come with, it changes to the colour you chose.  So it doesn’t make a mess AND it’s like magic!

Unfortunately my mom ended up in the hospital today due to an infection in her lymph nodes.  VERY painful…She’s on medication and should be fine but seriously…Last year on New Year’s Day my dad had a heart attack, and then on New Year’s Eve my mom’s in for something?!  I was filling my brother in on what happened and I couldn’t have put it better than he did – ‘Well, it wouldn’t be new year’s if one of our parents wasn’t in the hospital!’  I REALLY hope 2012 is going to be a healthier year for us all.

Despite the hospital visit, when my parents got home we went over to their place and had Andrew’s birthday cake.  Andy was happy because he LOVES going over there to play on the xbox.  He got the Batman Lego game for Christmas and James wanted to check it out too!  We try to limit Andrew's playing time, it’s not like he does it THAT often, but it’s amazing how good he is at it.  It’s for ages 10+ but I swear he can play it as well as adults can! 

His cake was good – he seemed to enjoy it and that’s the main thing.  Maybe I found it a tad too sweet, and I usually like sweet.  I think all around this was his least exciting birthday so far, but I guess that’s OK since it was only his 3rd.  I have many more years to make his birthdays memorable!

I still can’t get over the fact that he’s already THREE.  I told him the story of his birth and when I was done he smiled and said, ‘You thought I might be another boy, but then you saw that it was ME!’  I told him how lucky I was to get HIM!  I said as soon as I laid eyes on him, I thought to myself, ‘Of COURSE it was you all along, how could I not have known?!’  I love how interested he is in these stories (which are all true) that I tell him.  I have a feeling 3 is going to be a VERY fun age!

Out with the old, in with the new

I keep forgetting that it’s New Year’s Eve.  I remember NYE 2008, several hours after Andrew was born.  I looked at the clock and thought, Oh yeah, right, it’s new year’s!  Andrew’s birthday has taken priority over the holiday aspect of the day for me.  It’s just such a whirlwind between Xmas, Bday AND new year’s…It’s a bit much all at once!!

I can’t believe it’s already going to be 2012.  It honestly feels like 2011 just started.  I guess there were a number of significant (and unfortunately not really in a good way) events this year that have stuck with me, so certain moments in time seem to feel as if they only just happened yesterday, not nearly a year ago or several months or what have you.

I want to strive to be as positive as I can in the coming year, and always.  It’s something I always strive for, obviously, but…I need to put in extra effort.  I already have a class lined up (if I can work out Andrew being looked after) once a week for 10 weeks that I expect will help me learn some good coping skills.  So that’s a start!

Happy New Year to everyone, I hope 2012 has many good things in store for us all!

Over and done with

Yesterday I had my appointment with the gynecologist.  It went well…I guess.  The more I think about it, the more I sort of think it was a waste of time, but oh well, I did it, so it’s done.

I didn’t know what to expect from the appointment, but my doctor had told me they would ‘check me out to make sure everything’s OK’.  I took this to mean that, at the very least, they would do a pap test.  From what I read online, I figured an ultrasound was also a possibility, just to check everything out to make sure there aren’t any weird growths in my uterus or things that could possibly cause a baby to not be able to grow to full term.

The doctor was really nice and I felt comfortable with her, but basically all she did was ask me some questions (the same ones my family doctor asked) and said because the fetus (she called it ‘tissues’ but I’m sorry, it was more than just tissues!) could not be tested, there is no way to know what went wrong.  It’s possible it was something to do with me, but very unlikely due to the fact that I’ve had one perfectly healthy pregnancy already.  All stuff my doctor already told me.  She said she wanted me to go for a blood test, but beyond that there’s no need to do anything further, and she suspects I should be able to get pregnant quickly again.  Of course, there are no guarantees I won’t have more miscarriages, but the chances are far less than the chances I will have a healthy pregnancy.

Do I feel better hearing those things?  Yes, and No.  Yes because obviously it’s a relief to be told that I’m likely to have another healthy child.  But No because I already heard all of this from the doctor.  I feel sad having it reiterated to me that if only I’d been able to get my baby out of that stupid toilet before it self-flushed, I MIGHT HAVE SOME ANSWERS.  It sickens me every time I think about it.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over it.

Anyway…all I can do is hope that 2012 brings better things, including a healthy, happy little babe, a sibling for Andrew.  It’s truly all I really hope for in the coming year.

After the appointment I went straight to the lab for the blood test.  They took TEN vials!  I’ve never had so much blood taken at once in my life, and I’ve had blood taken many times.  It sort of brought me to the conclusion that I would prefer to never have to give blood to donate.  It’s not that it hurts, it just really grosses me out!

Anyway…that’s about the extent of it.  Time to move forward now…

Friday, December 30, 2011

My birthday boy

I can’t believe Andrew is THREE tomorrow (almost today!)  Time sure flies when you have the sweetest little babe on the planet.  He’s just growing up so fast, I wish I could freeze time every once in a while.

Unfortunately it’s ‘that time of year’ and almost everyone we know (and invited to his party) is sick on some level…including the 3 of us.  I got my cold on December 12th, and while I thought it had gone away for a few days, at least mostly, it seems to be coming back.  Tonight my head is very…ill feeling.  I don’t even know how else to describe it, but my head just feels ‘sick’!  I’m actually relieved that I decided to cancel Andrew’s party, because he’s been waking up sobbing the past hour, complaining of a sore head – so I’m guessing he’s feeling the same way I am.  I feel so bad for him.  He’s usually so good at snapping back and not letting sickness affect him, so I hope he’s able to enjoy his birthday.

My mom has pneumonia, my dad’s still getting over the cold, my brother has it, James’ brother has it, the mil, and the list goes on!  It’s crazy!  We all seem to have different forms of it, so I’m going to say IT’S NOT MY FAULT everyone’s sick, just because I was the first of all of us to get a cold!!

I feel sad in a way that the party was cancelled.  I got all the Caillou themed ‘stuff’ for it – hats, stickers, activity cards that are also place mats for the kids, napkins, etc.  But we’ll still use it all, it will just be a few of us using it.  And my bro’s birthday is coming up in another few days so when everyone’s feeling a bit better I’m hoping we can have a little party for my bro AND Andy together.

On the other hand, I’m relieved to have cancelled, because I was starting to feel a tad concerned about the fact that I invited 18 people, and we don’t have room in our place for that many people comfortably.  I think from now on we’re going to do ‘kid parties’ and not have so many adults invited.  Not that kid parties aren’t chaotic, but…I just think maybe it’s better if we don’t do the huge party with everyone invited thing anymore…or at least not every year.

Andrew was upset when he overheard me telling my dad that the party was cancelled, so I told him it’s not REALLY cancelled, it’s just that not as many people are going to be at it.  AND there will still be cake!  He was worried about that because he’s really been looking forward to the cake.  When I told him I’d ordered it the other day, his eyes lit right up and he said, ‘Oooh Mommy, thank you SO much for doing that!’ and he was being totally genuine!  His chocolate cake with white icing and do-dads in his favourite colours will be ready for pick-up in the morning!

I’ve got the Happy Birthday sign up on the mantle, and Andrew picked out his own birthday balloon when we were at the grocery store tonight, so it’s sitting by the sign.  His presents are by the fireplace, ready for him to open in the morning.  He’s getting a Caillou treehouse toy, some finger paints, some funny glasses (from the kitty cats), and an alphabet puzzle.  And a cute card with a lion on it (he LOVES cards!!)

When we’re all feeling back to our normal healthy selves, the plan is to take him to one of those indoor play places along the lines of Chuck E. Cheese, which I think, no I KNOW, he will love!  So the birthday celebrations can continue and he won’t feel hard done by not having a huge party (although somehow I doubt he cares, he didn’t really know what it was originally going to be, anyway!)

I just can’t get over how fast my little baby turned into a little boy.  Sometimes I miss how little he was and how babyish those first stages are, but I love the little guy he is growing into more and more all the time.  Happy Birthday to my Biggest Bestest Boy In The Whole Wide World!

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Moving forward...

Tomorrow I have my gynecologist appointment.  I’m glad it got bumped up from mid February, but I’m nervous about it at the same time.  Mainly because it means I have to ‘talk’ again about what happened to me.  I’m really in a stage right now where I find talking about it or even writing about it much really depressing.  It’s obviously a depressing subject, and was from the second it happened, but in the beginning I found comfort in talking about it.  In fact, it’s pretty much all I talked about (which you know very well if you follow this blog!!)  Lately…I just don’t really want to go there.  Not because it’s not still on my mind, I just get really tense and this weird blah feeling when I have to discuss it.   Particularly when it’s someone new I’m having to tell.  I don’t like the details of what happened to me, and I’m tired of sharing them.  I don’t want to have to explain why I didn’t get a chance to see the baby up close enough to maybe find out why things went so wrong.

On the other hand, I know it’s a good thing to be getting my body checked out, just to be sure there’s nothing wrong with me.  Of course, I’m relying on the idea that they are not going to find anything wrong.  Obviously it’ll be pretty upsetting if I find out there IS something wrong with me and I might not be able to have another child…I’m trying not to focus on that possibility though.  No point in getting worked up about something that seems an unlikely scenario.  Even my family doctor said he doubts they would find anything wrong, he just wanted to cover all the bases and thought I might find some comfort in knowing it wasn’t ME that caused the loss.  It was also suggested I see the gyno because in the beginning it appeared as though I needed counselling for what happened, and the gynecologist could refer me to someone.  But after one session with a counsellor found privately, I decided it wasn’t for me.  And now, given I’m in a phase of not really wanting to talk about it, particularly with someone new and just learning about it for the first time, counselling seems like the worst idea ever.  It makes me cringe just to think about it, actually.

It’s interesting how the different phases and stages of grief make a person react differently, and change their priorities!

I’m glad I’m getting the appointment over with before the end of the year.  I’m pretty sure I will have to go back for a follow-up appointment in the new year to get results, but at least it will be partially dealt with before that.  I really just want to move forward from this.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Bad timing

When I was a kid, I considered 10:34 my ‘bad time.’  I often had trouble sleeping (some things never change) and it often seemed to happen on nights when I couldn’t get to sleep, I’d look at the clock and see it was 10:34.  It sort of made me panic – basically if it was 10:34, I felt as if I was doomed because I wasn’t going to get enough sleep, and I’d inevitably feel sick going to school the next morning.

It has kind of stuck with me, and to this day I VERY OFTEN happen to look at the clock and it just so happens to be 10:34.  I don’t consider it late like I did as a kid, so I don’t tend to get worked up about it, but I notice that particular number and I sometimes wonder why it is that I see it so often.  Most days, I’d say.  Sometimes in the morning AND at night!  It’s really weird.  I doubt it means anything, but it’s strange nonetheless.

My ‘new’ bad number isn’t so much a time but just the number itself.  It’s the number 11.  One isn’t great either, I guess because two of them are what make up the 11.  I hate that number and while I hate to be superstitious, part of me feels like maybe it really IS a bad number for me somehow.

My dad had a heart attack on 1/1/11.  That pretty much started it off.  Then I lost the baby on Oct 11/11, at 11 weeks pregnant.  A LOT of bad things happened in 20ELEVEN.  I can’t even count it all, but hey, probably it’s at least 11 things :P

I just don’t get a good vibe from the number ‘11’, and I am really looking forward to leaving 2011 in the past very soon.  I know 2012 has a one in it, but it’s not an 11, so it feels safer somehow.  I sure hope it is, anyway.  I don’t want to have another year like this one.


I’ve pretty much got all the Christmas stuff put away, I just need to get a few more of the boxes from our storage unit to throw it all into, then store it away.  It feels less cluttered now in our living room/dining room, and I’m happy to have it all out of the way.  I enjoyed it, but it was out for long enough!

I warned Andrew that I was putting the stuff away.  He said, ‘No, I want to keep the tree out ALWAYS.’  I said, ‘I know, but it really has to be put away today.’  He made a sort of, ‘Aaahhhhhwwwww’ sound and gave in to the fact that I’d be storing it.  He said, ‘Maybe next time we can keep it out forever.’  I said, ‘When you’re living on your own one day, you can keep your tree out all year long!’  He said, ‘I will!’  LOL

I’ve noticed he’s started asking, ‘Why?’ and I realize we’re in for it now!!  It’ll never end!  He’ll ask Why to just about anything.  ‘Mommy, what are you talking about?’  ‘We’re talking about computers.’  ‘But why?’  ‘Because it’s interesting.’  ‘Yeah, but why?’


So far it really isn’t so bad, I just know that there are going to be ‘why’s’ to things I won’t know how to answer.  And the challenging aspects to a child mastering language begins!

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