Monday, August 23, 2010

Bad timing all around

I was writing a post about my date with James last night and I was going to mention a few little tidbits about our day today. But I don’t feel like it now.

Andrew was not only maniacal but just totally mean to his Momma tonight. He was in such a mood that all he seemed to want to do was pull my hair and pinch me till I bled. On my face. Yeah, not pleasant. He was just sooo fussy and I think, no I KNOW, it was because he was so overtired.

So I left the hotel from visiting my mom with him just after 9pm to get him home to bed. I was smart and got him into his jammies at the hotel so he’d be ready for night nights as soon as we got in. He cozied up on the couch and watched Wiggles and was out in about 2 minutes!

I’ve been ‘giving in’ a lot to his desire to sleep on the couch lately. Which is fine on the one hand, the couch isn’t far from his bed since his bedroom is right by the living room! But out of principle and habit I think it’s better if we get him sleeping in his own bed at night. I tried laying on it with him last night and read to him and made up elaborate stories to go with some of his books. Which he enjoyed and almost fell asleep to, but stubborn boy that he is – and smart! – he realized the couch was calling out to him and after story time ran back to the couch, cozied up, and went to sleep.

I was so proud of myself when I was able to transfer him to his bed tonight and he stayed there! And is still there now, several hours later. Even if he doesn’t stay in all night (and I could pretty well guarantee he won’t, although if he does I’ll be pleasantly surprised!) it’s a small victory for me to have him be in his bed at least for several hours.

But that’s not what I want to be writing about either. Actually, it’s closer to what I’d WANT to write about, but not what I feel I now NEED to write about.

Because now I feel the need to VENT.

Did I mention my mother in law is in town? For 3 weeks? She is. She’s been here for 5 days now. And, actually, the visit has been going very well. I have had lots of space, in fact I have only seen her twice and for short periods of time both times. She seems to be doing well at giving me my space. And spending time with James and Andrew without me. I’ve had my mom here as a bit of a buffer, which has helped a lot. I still have concerns because we’re only into day 5 of 21, so it’s not like we’ve made it completely just yet. Not even close. All it takes is one moment in time for things to come crashing down on us, as has happened so many time before.

I am just at a point right now where for my own wellbeing I need to take a step back. While I am comfortable (to some extent) with making an effort for Andrew’s sake (thus me spending any time with her at all), I am not wanting it to come across that we’re buddy buddy just because we’re hanging out in the same room here and there. I want us to be able to be civil to each other because that’s easier. But I don’t see us strengthening our relationship as James seems to wish so much could happen, because to be honest with you, too much has happened in the past for us to change things now. I mean, sure, if she becomes a different person and starts taking accountability for her actions, perhaps things could improve over time. But I can’t have faith in that happening given the pattern I’ve seen in the past 12 years.

I don’t want to feel the negativity anymore of dealing with constant issues and having to put in this effort that I don’t even want to put in because I just don’t care to anymore. I’m done trying. I tried many, many times and obviously I failed miserably. I am done, and that’s truly the way I feel. So I need space and I need to just not be too involved.

I thought its been working well, we hang out for a short period, mostly making it all about Andrew, and have surface-level conversations and that can work for me. It might be somewhat fake since obviously there are some deeply rooted issues that are still there that we’re just not dealing with, but whatevs, right? I sort of feel like why bother dealing with them at this point? It’s too late anyway, so let’s just not go there.

But then James throws it at me tonight when he got home at about 11:30pm from being out with his mom this evening. That she’s thinking about moving to Vancouver.

She lives in Halifax. And I remember thinking from the minute she decided to flee the west coast because she was so miserable here, to create a new life for herself on the east coast, that she would have regrets. How can you move a whole country’s distance from your children and never have any regrets? Now she’s got a grandson whose life she’s not very involved in due to the distance and she’s wondering what she’s done. Not to mention she’s not happy with the man she married and blah blah blah is thinking of leaving him and omg she might move to Vancouver.

Is it so wrong of me to think it’s too close for comfort? To say that I honestly, whole-heartedly feel that if she moved here I would have to move somewhere else?

I was really hoping to move soon-ish and have been getting excited about thinking about different areas where we could go and I want to make the right decision on where we end up because we’ll want to stay there for quite a few years most likely. At least that’s the hope.

But now I feel like we’ll have to just stick it out as long as possible here and wait till she decides what she’s doing because I don’t want to go ahead with all the costs and things involved with moving only to find out she’s going to move practically next door. I need space from her, why can’t people get that????? Having her live in the same city as us is NOT the solution to our problems! It will just make things worse and more complicated, if that’s possible. Not sure how it could be but maybe it is.

I understand wanting to be closer, like I said, I always figured she’d have regrets. I thought it would have happened a lot sooner than it did. But being in our backyard? Seriously? Do we really have to even have this conversation right now? Never would be too soon for me, so right now? Not the greatest timing.

Maybe a few cities away or hours of driving or SOMETHING but being right nearby wanting to babysit constantly and all this shizzle – I SERIOUSLY CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS. I just said shizzle, clearly I am not thinking straight!!!!!!!

HEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP! I wish someone could rescue me somehow.

Once again, there has to be this huge looming threat of something happening. Why can’t we ever just have a visit without these goddam complications?? Why does there always have to be SOMETHING??? Because now I just have this anxiety about the idea of her being so close by ALL THE GODDAM TIME and I can’t handle it.

I can’t even write about it more thoroughly, one because it’s so freaking late and I’m tired but also because I just don’t want to. My head feels foggy from just having got this news, I need to absorb it a bit more I think.

I don’t want to though, I resent that I even have to think about this. I am seriously sick of her at this point in time and I just don’t want to deal with anything that has to do with her. Why can’t she just not be the focal point of things for a while? A good long while. That would be nice for a change.

1 comment:

Chandra said...

I can totally relate with the inlaws with this one. I am thankful every day that we are seperated by a province. With regards to my side, it's almost an hour trip most times and we live in the same city, it's nice to have space.

Sorry to hear Andrew is going through the terrible two's so early.



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