Monday, July 19, 2010

Why does life have to be so fragile and unpredictable?

I’m feeling really, really down in the dumps and I can’t seem to shake it. In part I wonder if it has to do with the weaning process. There isn’t really a lot of info about it and people don’t seem to usually talk about it, but from forums I’ve looked at it appears it’s not that uncommon for moms to experience symptoms from weaning. Not just engorgement from the milk not being expressed (which I’ve not really had due to slowly weaning) but I mean more emotional symptoms. The hormones once again readjusting themselves is a huge factor, as well as the sadness associated with that particular mother/child bond being broken.

I am feeling both those things, I feel sad to be stopping and part of me is soooo tempted to just whip the boob out and give it to him (although I’m not going to) and I KNOW hormones are factoring in because my moods are all over the place. And I don’t tend to suffer too badly from pms, not to mention this wouldn’t be my pmsing time even if I did. One minute I’m totally fine and then the next minute WHAM I want to burst into tears. Little things that normally might just marginally annoy me make me feel about ready to lose a gasket. I am very short fused at the moment! And just really, really sad.

I’m also feeling worried and upset tonight because I went to the doctor today. I’ve been having this pain in my chest for a while and it was getting to the point where I thought it might end up killing me. What if it’s a clogged artery or something? The pain comes and goes but it comes on suddenly and is hard not to focus on when it’s there. I have to go for a series of tests but what’s worrisome to me is that when the doctor was listening to my heart, he said he heard a bit of a murmur which he doesn’t think is related to the pain I’m having. So I went for one thing and we still don’t know what that is but I also most likely have something else, too. Great.

He assured me that this murmur could be nothing, it might just be ‘there’ but not a problem at all because when you’re still young (and apparently I am, who knew?!) sometimes these things are there but they’re nothing at all to worry about. BUT it could also be a series of potentially more serious things and those need to be ruled out.

I guess because the pain I’ve been having FEELS as if it’s my heart, and then I might have a murmur makes me concerned that it is at an advanced stage. I know this is going to sound ridiculously blown out of proportion but I feel this very horrible feeling, like what if it’s going to be fatal to me? What if I don’t actually have much time left? My body has been telling me for a while there was something wrong, I was just hoping it would go away on its own, but if anything it has gotten more severe. That’s not a good sign. I feel so sad about it because it gets me thinking about death and how terrified I am of dying.

I’ve always been afraid of death but having a child, I feel way more like I HAVE to live a long life and it nearly kills me (oh gawd, no!) to think I might not see Andrew grow up. I was telling James when I got home from my appointment, I don’t want to die young and then he moves on with his life and finds a new partner who he ends up loving like he loves me and then this new woman raises Andrew to HER liking, not to mine. I hate the idea of anyone but me (and James) raising our son. It bothers me SO MUCH to think of this being taken over by anyone else. The idea that Andrew would end up knowing someone else more as his mom than me? How could that ever happen? It can’t right? IT WON’T, RIGHT???

I can’t stand any of it and I don’t want it to happen but it worries me a lot to think it could. It’s downright terrifying actually.

James told me we shouldn’t talk about that right now and not to be so worried because we don’t even know yet what’s actually wrong and it might be nothing. But how can nothing be so painful, and how can nothing also sound like a murmur to a doctor I respect and believe when he says he hears one?

I am going to get some blood work and an ECG and other tests done later this week and hopefully they will all come back negative (the positive kind of negative)…although that still means we have to figure out where this pain is coming from and why and deal with it.

In the meantime, I am feeling this intense urge to live life to its fullest beyond what I am doing now, although I don’t honestly know what to do with myself. Even if I knew it was my last day, what the hell would I do with myself???????????????????????

Oh my gawd, I am a bit of a wreck right now! I just feel so intensely blah and I just want to go cry into my pillow. Dramatic? A little bit.

3 comments:

trista said...

Sending you tons of hugs 'n' love. It's good you went to get it checked out rather than just chalking it up to something else. I hope it's nothing, but like the doc said it's good you are still young and on top of your health.

As for the hormonal changes - could be your body readjusting to hormones it's not quite used to. I remember reading on a book or website about how it takes several months and months for the body to go back to pre-pregnancy, so you could be experiencing that. And if you're thinking it has to do with weaning and losing that particular piece of your bond with Andrew, that could have something to do with your sad feelings too.

I'm thinking about you and sending lots of positive energy, good vibes and big bear hugs. xoxo!

Lojo said...

Hang in there, buddy. And when you're feeling particularly low, remind yourself that you're in hormonal upheaval, which is probably intensifying all your emotions. Maybe stepping outside of your emotions like that well help settle your unrest.

These health glitches come up now and again throughout many people's lives. I know it seems scary looking into the unknown, but there is a monumentally huge chance that it's nothing serious. So hang in there, girlfriend. You'll get through this poopy time.

<3

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for your support, I really appreciate it! I went and got my blood test and ECG done yesterday so I've done what I can and will hopefully find out if they detected anything from that sometime next week.

XOXO



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