Thursday, July 29, 2010

Not again!

I still have my zoo post to write, my anniversary day post to write, and my nostalgic trip out to the ‘burbs post to write. Busy busy! But I’m getting there!

Instead of writing those fun posts at the moment, since I just wrote a few fun ones, I thought I’d mix things up with a bit of a venting post…

It’s the m-i-l saga volume one million.

I was going to say there’s been a lot in between since the last time I vented about her and the ongoing issues. But I don’t even think that there has been. How can there be when I sent my last email to her almost 2 months ago and have yet to get a reply???

James went to visit her for a week at the beginning of this month, which led me to believe that we wouldn’t have to ‘worry’ about a visit from her for some time, since they’d have just seen each other. Not to mention that I didn’t think it would make much sense for her to visit us here until she at least replied to my email and was working toward making things a little better between us. Instead, she continues to ‘blame’ me for everything, seemingly refusing to take any accountability for her actions. My last email outlined exactly what I need from her and why, and yet she still refuses to apologize or even so much as acknowledge how her behaviour affects people.

About a week ago, she told James that she wanted to come out here for a visit very soon but that it had to be under our terms, we had to tell her when would work for us and where she should stay etc. We had to do all the planning. When James told her that it would do wonders if she first apologized to me re: recent issues, she was having none of that and just got upset. Maybe 2 days later, if that, she sends him an email saying that she’s bought her ticket and she’ll be here on the 18th for a week.

Whhaaaaaat?????!!!

She’s not staying with us. That’s 100%. She apparently has someone to stay with, although the information on that has been very vague, and of course I’m getting all my information second hand because she and I aren’t actually speaking.

She wouldn’t be staying with us if we had 100 acres and several houses within that property. That’s just the way it is at this point in time.

Anyway…

I have some major concerns regarding her visit.

First of all, she has yet to have contact with me after my last email, which as I said already CLEARLY stated how I feel, why I feel that way, and what I need from her in order to move forward. She asked me for that information and I gave it.

Yet about a week ago when she was deciding to come out here, she was talking to James and told him apparently that my email was very vague and she didn’t see how she could reply to it, that she wasn’t clear on what I was asking of her.

So I read James the email out loud, and he was able to verify that it in fact WAS clear and it was very OBVIOUS what I was asking of her.

He even told her to apologize to me, even though I didn’t really want him to because ultimately I don’t want her apologize when she’s TOLD to do it, I want her to apologize of her own accord. Although even if I lived to be 200 years old, I am pretty sure I would die before I’d get a real, genuine apology from her for anything.

She has yet to reply, even though James has talked to her about some of the things that have upset me and why I need her to acknowledge why things are the way they are between us. Which is a very obvious sign to me (and I’m not surprised, I was expecting as much) that she is never going to change her ways, that she is never going to take responsibility for herself.

Which, for myself, is going to mean not having a relationship. I would prefer if it didn’t have to be that way, but at this point I don’t see how else it can be.

It’s very complicated. And obviously with James having a relationship with her, and wanting Andrew to have a relationship with her, it would make sense if she could have one with me also. But I just don’t know if it’s going to be feasible this trip.

It’s too soon.

She did the same thing last November when she came to visit. She had shut me out for nearly a year after Andrew was born, then about 2 weeks before she was coming out she surprised us with the info of her pending visit and then suddenly expected all would be well between us. Obviously I had some things to say about it, and did – including letting her know that time would still be needed to heal, that one visit wasn’t going to be the be all and end all of everything that had happened. But we had a good visit (she drove me crazy in her usual ways but we were able to keep things light). Then she was supposed to come out in May and threw a tantrum over that because I wasn’t willing to go away with her for nearly a week ON MY OWN with Andrew, which just wasn’t even a realistic thing to suggest…and we pretty much haven’t been speaking much, aside from a few emails back and forth – one in which she threatened legal action to see Andrew once he was weaned (interesting she’s choosing to come out just a few weeks after I’ve weaned him), and in another telling me I needed to ‘get over myself’ and take a ‘clean slate approach.’

I let her know how totally uncool it was of her to suggest these things to me and I have yet to receive a response.

I just don’t get her at all. And at this point, I don’t even think I want to. She’s ultimately ruining this for herself, because she’s not going to get to maximize the amount of time she gets to see Andrew. If she has nothing to do with me, she’s not going to be able to see him at all when James is at work, because I’m not going to see her to hand Andrew over. It’s not about me controlling Andrew or whether or not she gets to have a relationship with him. It’s the logistics of it. If we’re not speaking or seeing each other, how can you see Andrew? I’m going to be with him, obviously. When James is home from work, they can work out a place to meet up and spend time together, I don’t have a problem with that. But during the work days? Not gonna happen. If she’d IN ADVANCE worked on things with me to get us to a bit of a better place, things would very likely be different but I’m just not willing to budge on this at the moment.

For the most part because of the HIGH ANXIETY I am feeling at the mere thought of getting together with her AT ALL, most especially if I was on my own. I can’t do it. Nor should I be expected to. She is warped if she truly believes that we should just be able to wipe the slate clean and start anew. In a perfect world, of which this one is not even close!!!!! (And not to mention that she might SAY let's take a 'clean slate approach' but the minute she didn't get her way on something again in the future, she'd be the first one to drudge up the past!)

The thing is, we’ve been through TOO MUCH in the past. And also, forgive me here, but it’s FUCKING RIDICULOUS to expect everyone else to always just sweep everything you say and do under the rug even though your actions and words are extremely rude and hurtful oftentimes, yet everyone else is expected to kiss your feet and apologize tenfold, even if they haven’t done anything wrong.

I’m tired of her shenanigans and I’m not letting her walk all over me. Never again. I’ve been hurt and upset and angered and TOTALLY STRESSED OUT by her TOO MANY TIMES. And I’m not standing for it anymore.

How is it that she’s a grown woman, and yet doesn’t seem to understand the concept that ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES? Any bad actions on her part are always turned around to somehow be someone else’s fault. Usually mine, as it happens. Well, not anymore!

You made your bed, so lie in it. I don’t feel guilty for having to take this approach because I’m at the point where I have to protect myself. I still do feel that it would be great if we could all get along because I especially would love it for Andrew if we could just have some semblance of normalcy and not have the dynamic be so complicated for him. But you know what? I am beginning to realize that sheltering him from the truth probably isn’t going to work here. I wish he could think all was well between us all, but it’s not, and even if we’re able to make small steps in the right direction, at this point in time I don’t see how the past can become soooo different in the future as to make everything good between us. It would take a miracle at this point. So he’s just going to have to learn the truth when he’s old enough and starts asking questions. He’s going to figure it out eventually!

Ahhhhh. I’m trying to keep my cool here, but it isn’t easy. I’ve got that looming m-i-l visit hanging over my head and it weighs about a trillion pounds.

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