A little more venting...

James flew to Halifax shortly after our date on Canada Day to visit his mom for a week. Am I happy about it? No is an understatement, but it wasn’t really my decision.

I completely understand James wanting to see his mother. Well, not entirely given who she is, but you know what I mean – most people do want to be able to have a relationship with their parents, even if it isn’t always easy.

Under the circumstances though, I was pretty upset when it was decided he was going to see her. Mainly because SHE is the one who decided not to come here when she was really close by visiting someone else. She could have spent a week here visiting not only James, but Andrew – who you would think would be more important even than seeing her son, given that her grandson is changing so rapidly and won’t be a baby much longer. And to think she has only met him ONE TIME and he’s already a year and a half old.

So I was ticked, because to me going out there to see her tells her oh well mom, that’s OK, you can treat us like crap and totally ignore your grandson when you had the chance to see him, I’ll still visit you. I know there can be differing points of view on this, but that’s mine. I just think it sends the wrong message.

Probably what irks me about it the most is the fact that not only did James take a week off to go see her – which he NEVER does – aside from Christmas, when the time is split up between family and we’re still not really spending that much time together, he hasn’t had that many days off in a row since Andrew was first born. So I feel sad that his vacation days are being all taken up with his mother and we’re not seeing him for any of it. It also really upsets me that she was only ‘willing’ to pay for half his plane ticket. Having to pay over $300 for the ticket means he and I do not get to go away for a night for our 3 year wedding anniversary, which we were planning to do at the end of this month. It would have been such an amazing opportunity, as we have never had a night to ourselves since before Andrew was born. But we can’t afford to do both, so instead he goes to visit his mom and we do nothing together. Fun.

I am also somewhat annoyed (OK, really annoyed) that James gets a week vacation, and what do I get? A more difficult week than what I’d usually have because I am getting less sleep and having to pretty much take care of Andrew by myself. Yes, my parents are helping me out a bit, but I still don’t end up getting any rest and, as per my last post and how things are with my mom, it’s somewhat stressful for me and blah blah blah, ultimately everything falls on me. So I feel like I’m a single mom for a week. Which obviously I can handle, but it’s very exhausting, and it pisses me off a little that James gets to sleep in every day, hang out in the sun, and just totally relax the entire time – he has a sunburn from just laying on the beach, he went kayaking for the first time which is something he KNOWS I have wanted to do with him literally for years and it never happened but instead he ends up going with his mom…and then what the eff do I get in return? The stinging feeling that I’m being slapped in the face, because ultimately that’s what this feels like to me.

Your mom treats us like shit constantly, and has a tantrum like a toddler would over not getting her way entirely with what her ‘plans’ were for coming out here so she cancels altogether…so I end up being punished (what it feels like) because you go there for a week and grrrrrrrrr OK maybe writing about it isn’t going to help but rather just anger me further.

He knows he has a lot of making up to do. So I guess there is that.

But still. I really, really have tried and am trying to be good about this, as in not blow a total gasket. I just have to shake my head. It pisses me off though, I can’t help it.

I just wonder when my big break is coming?! Isn’t that a laugh and a half. James says once Andrew is weaned I can take all the time off I need. Yeah right!! Well first of all, I guess maybe it’s just me or perhaps a motherly thing but there’s no way at this stage in the game I would WANT to be away from my boy for an entire week. Oh my god, just one night would be PLENTY because I’d be missing him way too much to be away like that. Which is my own choice, I know. But I definitely DO NOT have any opportunities to just go lay on a beach and relax, even if only for one day. I just feel as though James gets a LOT of opportunity for time to himself, because he has all the nights after work when Andrew and I are visiting my parents when he’s at home, and now he has this entire week long trip and…yes, I am going to get my hair cut next Saturday but seriously, is that supposed to make up for that somehow?! Isn’t it just a teensy bit sad when I get all excited about going for a haircut because it’s the only time I’ve really had to myself being out somewhere doing SOMETHING since the freaking dark ages?!

OK OK enough venting from me for one night.

And don’t get my wrong here, I love my boy, I love spending time with him, I love being a mom and my life is pretty darn good, I know that. But I’m just feeling pissed off with what’s around me at the moment. I wish I could catch up on some sleep, clear my head, and try to figure some of this stuff out…


Lojo said…
Sounds like you could really use some support right now. :(

In regards to your struggle with your mom-- have you considered seeking some counseling? Even going once a month might give you the added strength/ guidance to navigate through this tough time and alleviate some of the stress you're assuming.

And I think it's completely fair that you feel miffed about the MIL vacation. I would feel the same way, my friend. Again, it sounds like you could use some support right now, and lets be honest, does the MIL really deserve the cost of that trip and his undivided attention away from his own family? Ehhhh, by the history you've presented on here, I'd say not. Quiet the opposite, in fact. I also think you're dead-on in regards to the message this vacation sends to the MIL. This is definitely not the kind of action that will motivate her to change her manipulative ways. Quite the opposite, in fact.

As my own counselor would say, this is James' journey, not yours, although unfortunately you're on the front lines and deeply affected by all these other people's actions. Hopefully at some point James will overcome some of his own issues with his mother and make some hard realizations. (In my experience, sometimes it takes men awhile to figure these things out ;))

Hang in there. I am sending you strength and imaginary hugs. xo

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