Monday, June 28, 2010

It's better to have loved and lost but that doesn't mean losing isn't hard

Ugh grr blah spit.

I feel like crap right now. Just really emotionally drained. Trying not to dwell because I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to help it at the moment. Mostly I was doing well going about (once again) organizing pictures for printing and all happy happy looking at cute pictures of my baby boy…When I start seeing pictures of Tessa, and in particular the very last pictures ever taken of her (that I took just over a week before she died). The night she died I found some comfort in looking at her pictures, most especially older ones but even the last ones of her. But tonight? I just felt sick and sad looking at them. I felt and feel desperate, maybe it sounds ridiculous, but to feel the soft fur on her ears again. I used to sometimes play with her long floppy ears, when her fur was longer I could even sometimes tie them up on top of her head and it would stay like that for long enough that I could get a good laugh. I loved how soft her fur was, and how if she thought I was about to start giving her rubs, she would get this stance and put her head down and look back at me if I stopped for so much as a second like don’t you dare think about it, more rubs NOW!

The thing is, it was a while since we had moments like that, because she hadn’t been quite herself for some time. So realistically, that part of our relationship had already been gone for a while, I guess it’s just the absolution of her being completely gone (in body, not spirit) that makes me SO SAD that we are guaranteed to never have those moments again.

Where did the time go? The sweet years of her life. All her little routines and ways. HER. How is it that nearly 16 whole years just went by in the blink of an eye?

I know it’s totally morbid and horrible and not something I want to think about at all but my mind goes there…I keep wondering what did the vet do with her body? It makes me feel so upset to think how her mind slipped away and then her body was just…discarded. Another ridiculous thing to think about, because when I die I want to be cremated and truthfully I’d prefer if the curator just deals with my remaining ashes, meaning that ultimately I’d say just chuck ‘em in the garbage because if all I am is a pile of ashes, I’m gone and it really doesn’t matter where they end up since that’s not me. I really do think that way, so why is it so hard for me to accept that Tessa’s body would be disposed of? Maybe I am just thinking too much because I wish so much that I could still see her and it angers me a little (but mostly upsets me) that she’s gone, as far as I am concerned vanished into thin air and all I’m left with is the memories. Right now they are NOT ENOUGH.

I’m totally fine most of the time, especially having Andrew I don’t have time usually to sit and dwell or think too hard about Tessa’s death. But late at night especially, I will even be just about asleep at night when I wake with a start and open my eyes and I can’t help but whisper out loud, Oh Tessa, why? It’s like a jolt that hits me right through to the core, that sudden realization over and over that she’s dead. I want to shout out, HOW CAN SHE BE DEAD??? It’s not fair.

Anyway. I try not to go on about it too much because ultimately there’s nothing that can bring her back. It’s just a difficult time right now. I think it’s wonderful to focus on the positive as much as possible and I know that life must go on, and it does, but there’s that little piece, that little bit of broken. There’s a void that can’t be denied.

1 comment:

trista said...

I can't imagine the loss you are going through. It sounds like you and Tessa had a similar relationship that Lily and I have. a very special, close one that maybe a lot of non-animal people wouldn't understand.
I'm glad you have such fond beautiful memories of Tessa. take care of yourself darlin'. xoxo.



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