Thursday, June 17, 2010

Deep sigh

I haven’t much felt like writing the past few days. Part of me still doesn’t. Andrew and I are at my parents’ place till Saturday, then we head to James’ dad’s place for the weekend. We’ve been doing well at keeping busy and Andrew of course helps keep our minds off our grief but it’s still tough.

I haven’t cried since Sunday, the day Tessa died. I got choked up when I called my grandma on Monday to tell her what happened, and I even felt tears well into my eyes when I wrote the words in an email to my aunt. But I haven’t outright cried since I got here. And I can’t explain exactly why that is. Maybe I am a person who tends to bottle things. It’s true that I don’t like other people to see me cry if I can help it, so maybe crying in front of my family makes me feel vulnerable or something. Which is silly because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with crying, I just have my way of handling things I guess. I don’t even tend to like crying in front of James, although of course I have and at times do. I rarely cry though, really, so it’s not that much of an issue.

I do feel very sad though, I feel this strange heaviness that I don’t normally feel at all. I can think about Tessa one minute and feel OK with what has happened because I know it was her time. But then the next minute I feel such a deep sense of loss in knowing that I’ll never get to see her ever again. I can’t accept that yet. How can I never see her ever again? It’s too much to take.

I don’t feel like getting into it all, into how sad Emma is and how hard it is watching her mope around and not act like her usual self. She misses her sister so much, she’s never known life without her. It’s just a sad time, and I know we’ll get through it but right now that doesn’t help much. It’s overwhelming trying to process this.

Maybe I’ll do a picture post instead of dwelling on this stuff.

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