Wednesday, June 30, 2010

My bestest boy

I love every single thing about my boy.

From the way he thinks it's funny to attempt colouring using his toes (while multi-tasking and changing the channel on the TV):
To hogging the toy vacuum cleaner at tots gym play time because he's OBSESSED with cleaning:
To the way he lounges on a lazy afternoon watching his Wiggles DVD for the millionth time:
To his beautifully lit up face, the sweetest smile that makes everything in the world seem OK for that moment:
To those seemingly few and far between precious moments of watching him nap:To the way he monkey's around at the playground:
There is nothing I love more than holding my boy in my arms!XOXOXO

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bimbo alert

As Andrew and I were walking home from the playground this morning, I noticed this woman walking in our direction. It was hard not to notice her, as she was the type of person who stood out…but not in a good way.

I can understand it when a person wants to stand out because they have an edgy-style and the personality to match. I’m thinking maybe a spunky, punky sort of look. But I’m always a bit astounded (and saddened, truthfully) when I see the type of woman I saw today.

It’s the plastic look that seems to be a plague to North American society. She had the fake long blond hair. Work done to the face, most especially the lips. Huge sunglasses but I bet if she took them off there’d be a LOT of eye makeup happening. Teensy tiny body with giant bazoobies that COULD be real but it’s very highly unlikely. You get the drift.

I just don’t get that look. It’s the cheap, tarty, I’llsuckyourdickifyou’llbuymedinner look. I’m sorry, but somebody had to say it.

I am totally put off by this type of woman, and I know a LOT of other people are too. I just find it sad that anyone would find them attractive. I want to say to these people: Everything about you is fake, so you’d think you’d seem unique…but you must all go to the same surgeon because you look identical to everyone else sporting this look!

I don’t understand who came up with the idea that a literal version of Barbie would actually be attractive.

And the lips! OH MY GOD THE LIPS.

I swear, this woman would not be able to smile because her pucker was so huge…and SO unnatural. It actually looked like she’d been punched in the face because her lips were so swollen. Is that really supposed to be sexy? Why would you get injections to look like that?? If I looked like that, I’d want to get injections to try to bring down the swelling! I felt like I should do something for her, like get her an ice pack to apply to the swelling. But I’m afraid she’s waaaay beyond what an ice pack could do for her!

I’m not saying these things because I’m jealous. I sincerely find this type of woman, who thinks she’s the sexiest thing walking, completely repulsive. I do believe that we’re all entitled to expressing who we are and one person’s version of this is going to be different from the next. I enjoy that about people, individuality is very important. But this particular type of woman is sort of an exception because it just makes me feel so disheartened when I see them. I feel like she’s preventing us from moving forward toward bettering society. And it disgusts me further that there are men out there that fall for these bimbos and are comfortable with the fact that they’re all about beauty (albeit totally fake beauty that actually isn’t beautiful at all). It’s so grossly obvious that this type of woman is after a man’s money, and he’s after that blow-job she’ll give him if he gives it to her. Am I right or am I wrong??

Typically I hate stereotyping so forgive me for this post, it’s a bit of a stereotypical rant. Perhaps this woman was off to her downtown course at SFU where she’s studying to one day become a lawyer. But I somehow doubt it.

I just wish women like that could see how their look makes them appear stupid, sad, and lacking in self-respect. Again, all of that is stereotyping, so perhaps I am the one in the wrong here for even thinking these things. But if there is a female equivalent to the male douchebag, I am hedging my bets that she would be it!

One of those days...

I took Andrew to the mall this morning as I had to get some pictures developed. What a time we had there…Usually they just take the memory card and all I have to do is tell them how many prints I want and with matte finish. This time, the woman told me to use the machine and do it all myself…which is fine when you don’t have a toddler there with you. I told her I didn’t know if I’d be able to get through it without him freaking out because he wouldn’t want to be stuck in his stroller while I clicked on each individual picture to tell the machine how many of each to print etc. Call me lazy, but I miss the good ol’ days of just dropping off the film and picking up the pictures! (Not really, I mean I prefer digital over film, but I find the process of getting pictures developed much more of a hassle nowadays). Anyway, sure enough, I clicked on the very first image (of 62 to go through) and Andrew started fussing. Crying, screaming, throwing his head back in a rage, you name it. Oh, I just love how the terrible twos have started so early for him.

After picking up all the crackers he threw on the floor and repeatedly picking his cup off the floor, I was in a total sweat and hurried through the rest of the pictures. Then we had an hour wait before going back to pick them up. Oh, the joy!

Getting a Julius took up about 10 minutes of that time…but then there really wasn’t anything else to do in the mall that would keep him occupied. So off we went to James’ work in Gastown to drop off his cell phone which he left at home this morning. That took up another 20 minutes, and that includes walking there, stopping for 5 minutes only because Andrew was SO FUSSY there too, AND walking back to the mall. Sigh.

We ended up just looking around at the photo store the rest of the time while we waited and Andrew was occupied by a giant picture of a giraffe for 2 minutes so I got 2 minutes of peace and quiet…but that was about it. He started crying again when that picture apparently began boring him to tears just like everything else was.

I can’t imagine the people working in that store (or waiting in line behind me when I went to pay) were too thrilled to have us in there. But what could I do? When he gets into a fit like that, there really isn’t anything I can do with him. I tried all the tricks up my sleeve but once I run out of ideas, I just have to try to ignore him. Usually if he gets into one of those moods I’ll just stop whatever we’re doing and so, OK, forget it, Momma was going to do such-n-such but you’re obviously not able to handle it so we’re going home. End of. But we’d waited around the hour, I wanted to pick up the pictures before heading home.

He cried for a lot of the way home too, and I just couldn’t take it, although we stopped and watched the sea planes and he got out and kicked his soccer ball around on the grass for a while so at least there was a little time of happiness there.

It’s so unlike him to get fussy like that, especially when we’re out in public. I think that’s why I have such a hard time dealing with it. I was starting to feel so agitated by his screaming cries that I thought to myself, Obviously I wouldn’t do it EVER but I can totally understand the urge to just park the stroller with baby in it and WALK AWAY. Again, not something I would ever, EVER do, but if I had zero support system in my life and had a baby who did that all the time, omigod I would go completely INSANE.

Andrew is, I would say, 90% of the time a very, very happy-go-lucky boy. Has been since day one. I can pretty much recall each and every time he has scream-cried in public in his life because it has happened so rarely. So I’m lucky. But I’m tellin’ ya…Today was (is!) one of those days!

Monday, June 28, 2010

It's better to have loved and lost but that doesn't mean losing isn't hard

Ugh grr blah spit.

I feel like crap right now. Just really emotionally drained. Trying not to dwell because I know it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to help it at the moment. Mostly I was doing well going about (once again) organizing pictures for printing and all happy happy looking at cute pictures of my baby boy…When I start seeing pictures of Tessa, and in particular the very last pictures ever taken of her (that I took just over a week before she died). The night she died I found some comfort in looking at her pictures, most especially older ones but even the last ones of her. But tonight? I just felt sick and sad looking at them. I felt and feel desperate, maybe it sounds ridiculous, but to feel the soft fur on her ears again. I used to sometimes play with her long floppy ears, when her fur was longer I could even sometimes tie them up on top of her head and it would stay like that for long enough that I could get a good laugh. I loved how soft her fur was, and how if she thought I was about to start giving her rubs, she would get this stance and put her head down and look back at me if I stopped for so much as a second like don’t you dare think about it, more rubs NOW!

The thing is, it was a while since we had moments like that, because she hadn’t been quite herself for some time. So realistically, that part of our relationship had already been gone for a while, I guess it’s just the absolution of her being completely gone (in body, not spirit) that makes me SO SAD that we are guaranteed to never have those moments again.

Where did the time go? The sweet years of her life. All her little routines and ways. HER. How is it that nearly 16 whole years just went by in the blink of an eye?

I know it’s totally morbid and horrible and not something I want to think about at all but my mind goes there…I keep wondering what did the vet do with her body? It makes me feel so upset to think how her mind slipped away and then her body was just…discarded. Another ridiculous thing to think about, because when I die I want to be cremated and truthfully I’d prefer if the curator just deals with my remaining ashes, meaning that ultimately I’d say just chuck ‘em in the garbage because if all I am is a pile of ashes, I’m gone and it really doesn’t matter where they end up since that’s not me. I really do think that way, so why is it so hard for me to accept that Tessa’s body would be disposed of? Maybe I am just thinking too much because I wish so much that I could still see her and it angers me a little (but mostly upsets me) that she’s gone, as far as I am concerned vanished into thin air and all I’m left with is the memories. Right now they are NOT ENOUGH.

I’m totally fine most of the time, especially having Andrew I don’t have time usually to sit and dwell or think too hard about Tessa’s death. But late at night especially, I will even be just about asleep at night when I wake with a start and open my eyes and I can’t help but whisper out loud, Oh Tessa, why? It’s like a jolt that hits me right through to the core, that sudden realization over and over that she’s dead. I want to shout out, HOW CAN SHE BE DEAD??? It’s not fair.

Anyway. I try not to go on about it too much because ultimately there’s nothing that can bring her back. It’s just a difficult time right now. I think it’s wonderful to focus on the positive as much as possible and I know that life must go on, and it does, but there’s that little piece, that little bit of broken. There’s a void that can’t be denied.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Energy's back!

Even though I still wasn’t feeling great last night, I tagged along to the playground with James and Andrew. I sat on a bench and watched the kids play and also read a book while James kept watch on Andrew. It was good to get out for some fresh air and sunshine. And Andrew had a field day! He met some new friends, older boys about 8 and 5. It was so cute the way they took to him. He loves playing with the older kids.

I had the mother of all stomach aches last night and seriously thought if it kept up I was going to have to go to the hospital. But I managed to fall asleep…and it would have been a great long sleep if not for a )@&$&@^!! CAT waking me up in the middle of the night beating at the door. She rarely ever does that anymore, so I don’t know why last night was one of her chosen nights to do it. SO. FRUSTRATING. Andrew slept through from about 9:30-6:30 but because of Moorka scratching her way through the carpet around our bedroom door, I was awake for over an hour in the middle of the night struggling to get back to sleep. When I was out, I didn’t feel the stomach ache, but when I woke up it was back with a vengeance.

Luckily when I got up this morning I was feeling worlds better than I have so far this week. I was so tired and out of it and sick-feeling that I was actually starting to think I’d never feel better. You know when you’re just not up to snuff, you start to forget how you ever had energy and I was thinking stupid thoughts, like, omg I’m never going to be able to muster the energy again to take Andrew to the park on my own! LOL So it was amazing this morning that I was able to get us sorted and out the door at 9:30 to his gym time play group.

His girlfriend showed up part way through, although maybe I should say she’s his ex, or just his friend, because he doesn’t seem interested in kissing her anymore. He doesn’t even really play with her, although they’re not really at an age of playing together anyway. He was actually bullied a bit by a 22 month old today. The mom was all apologetic but I was insisting that it was OK because in reality he needs a taste of his own medicine! It wasn’t violent or anything, just some light pushing around/stealing a cracker from. I thought it was kind of funny, since usually Andrew is ‘the bad guy’. I told him he was getting back some of what he’s given. He just stared at me. LOL

Andrew is obsessed with planes right now and he saw a picture of a plane on an Exersaucer in the gym so I told him when we left we’d go check out the sea planes for a while. Well if he didn’t start running toward the door to leave right then! We ended up staying till the end, but he definitely had airplanes on the brain!

The funniest thing was this morning though. James came in to wake me up and asked me if I’d like him to make me a cup of coffee. I was thinking about whether or not I wanted one, when Andrew shouted out, ‘Yeah!’ LOL I think it’s a problem when a 1 ½ year old gets visibly excited about a morning cup of coffee! That boy cracks me up.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


I’m sick, but I don’t know what with. Some sort of stomach bug or something is my guess. Nothing totally major I don’t think, but enough to leave me feeling exhausted and totally unmotivated. I hate feeling this way because I feel like I should be getting Andrew out, especially when it’s a sunny day (rare in these parts this season, or so it has seemed so far). He is so full of energy and is always up for a new adventure, but I feel like such a slug and I can’t muster the energy to do anything at all. Just putting a load of laundry in the washer had me out of breath, and I had to think a lot about it before I managed to get it from the washer into the dryer. It just felt like way. too. much. effort.

So annoying.

So it’s an indoor day, which in itself is tiring. I managed to fake enough energy to read a bunch of books with Andrew, and we watched some of his videos together and puttered about as much as possible. He’s eaten pretty well today, which is good, because it tells me he’s not feeling nauseous like his Momma. He had 2 tiny bites of toast with peanut butter, some cheese, grapes, pear, a yogurt, some leftover pesto linguini (OK so there was a TINY bit leftover but really only enough for Andrew and me to share!) He often wouldn’t eat that much in an entire day so being that it’s only 3:00, I’d say we’re doing well today!

He’s been a nursing fool the past few days though and I don’t quite know how to break the cycle. It’s getting ridiculous. He was watching his video this morning and I was laying in bed, when all of a sudden he charged in with the boomerang pillow that he lays on for nursies, and he brought it up to me on the bed. I said, ‘Do you want nursies?’ He said, ‘Yeah!’ and grinned at me. I said, ‘Can you say please?’ And he said, ‘Peese!’ It’s so wrong and yet so cute and I give in because he loves it and I don’t know how to say no. I was planning to cut him off cold turkey but I don’t know if I can do that to him…

It’s so cute all the words he’s trying to say now. It just seemed like all of a sudden in the past week or two he’s constantly trying to say words. He says car, turtle (omg when he says turtle it is the cutest thing EVER!), clock (sounds like clah), please, yeah, no, Momma, Dada, Maude, up, he can sort of say cheese, and cozy…There’s more but I can’t think of them all right now. He also says ‘hot’ and each time he does, he will point over to the oven. In his Goodnight Moon book (which I thought was the stupidest book ever when he was newborn but it makes so much more sense now because it’s all about the pictures and pointing to different things in the room getting him to learn what each item is!) there is a fireplace and last night he sort of said ‘fire’ but he kept pointing at it and saying ‘hot’, then pointed at the oven. So it’s good, because he knows that the oven is hot and he is always really careful around it.

He’s also obsessed with planes and every time he hears one of the seaplanes nearby he points to the sky and tries to find it!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

From my kitchen to yours

I was so happy with how dinner turned out tonight, that I’ve decided to share what I made with you! Let me rephrase that…it sounds as if I saved you a bowl of Pesto Linguini with a side of (a variation of) Greek Salad. Sorry, but the food was so good there were no leftovers! Instead, here are the recipes:

Pesto Sauce:

2/3 cup packed coarsely chopped basil leaves*
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/3 cup olive or vegetable oil (I use olive)
2 tbsp pine nuts or walnuts**
½ tsp salt
1/8 tsp pepper
1 clove garlic

Place all ingred’s in blender. Cover and blend on high speed till mixture is uniform constistency. Cook pasta as directed, drain. Toss pasta with pesto mixture. Serve with additional Parmesan cheese if desired.
*2 tbsp crushed dried basil can be subbed for the fresh basil. I usually use dried since the fresh stuff is a bit pricey, but went with fresh this time and omg was it ever delish!
**Unless you’re rich, go with the walnuts over the pine nuts. James went grocery shopping for me last night and I’d asked for pine nuts…He got less than 2 cups worth (waaay more than I needed but still not a lot, when you think about it) and it was $25.17! I nearly fainted when I looked at the bill. Luckily Safeway was good about returning them and I was able to get a small bag of walnuts for $2.97 (the equivalent amount in pine nuts was $7.99). I trusted the walnut substitution would be every bit as tasty because my grandfather was an AMAZING cook and he always used walnuts for his pesto.

As for the salad…It was a Greek Salad of sorts, although given I used Zesty Italian dressing, I can’t claim it was authentic!

I can’t say exact amounts for what to use, since I just used what I thought would be enough for 2 ½ people (Andrew, as it happened, would only eat the pasta and a few olives). So here are the ingred’s I used, but you can figure out how much to use depending on your appetite:

Greek-ish Salad

Tomatoes (If you can, buy organic…if they’re insanely priced we don’t buy them but there is no comparing organic to run-of-the-mill yucky why-did-they-even-bother regular tomatoes you get at the grocery store. It makes a world of difference to the salad to use good tomatoes!)
Red onion
Red or green pepper (I used red because that’s what we had)
Feta cheese
Kalamata olives (preferably pitted)
Cilantro (A little goes a long way, but a little fresh cilantro adds so much flavour!)
Dash of Zesty Italian dressing (or dressing of your choice, though I find Kraft’s Z.I. to be a nice zippy flavour for this salad)

Toss ingredients in a bowl and voila, your salad is ready!

We don’t tend to buy things like fresh basil or fresh cilantro much because I tend to find that unless I have a bunch of recipes in mind for the coming days that call for them, they end up going bad and I hate throwing stuff like that in the garbage. But every now and then it’s nice to get a few things that pack a punch of flavour to enhance your meals in a different way than you normally do.

I will also say, I found the Pesto sauce to be much lighter and tastier (fresher) than buying the jar stuff. I like the jar stuff too, but there’s something about knowing it was homemade. A cool trick is to make an extra big batch of it and pour it into an ice cube tray. Take a few out to thaw on a day when you’re not in the mood to cook, and you’ve got a super easy pasta sauce on-the-ready!

Pesto also tastes delicious in mushroom caps. Pop filled mushroom caps in the oven for 10-15 minutes and they’re ready to enjoy.

Happy eating!

Baby Nala

I don’t feel like dwelling tonight on sad things, but I do want to mention about Nala, the baby beluga who died last night at the Vancouver Aquarium. I just found out about it tonight, despite having taken Andrew to the aquarium early this afternoon. We went over to the beluga area, and there was someone from the news there conducting an interview. I did find it strange that there was so many employees there listening, but didn’t think a whole lot of it. I just figured they were talking about research or something. I didn’t stick around to listen to what they were saying because Andrew was a tad fussy and I didn’t want him being disruptive to a taped interview.

So it was pretty shocking to find out that the one year old calf had passed away. What I want to know is how it affects Aurora, her mother, because little Nala was still nursing even. It tears at my heart strings to think that she is grieving, not understanding where her little one went.

I know there are a lot of people who are against keeping animals in captivity. It hasn’t always sat well with me, either, especially given my love for animals and reasons for being vegetarian. But I will say that from my experience going to the Vancouver Aquarium many, many times in the past almost-year, they really do care for the animals there to the absolute best of their ability. They are very attentive and love and respect the animals, everything is kept very clean and the safety and well-being of all the creatures there is their #1 priority. Perhaps if a-holes weren’t stupid enough to throw rocks and pennies in where the animals live, things like this could be avoided (although I will say that they even mention that in their talks before the shows, and say that if you see absolutely ANYTHING that looks like it shouldn’t be there, to report it immediately. But how could anyone have noticed a penny?)

A lot of the animals are only in captivity now because they were rescued, and had they not been, they would not have survived, so I am all for them seeking refuge at the aquarium. As for breeding animals there (such as the belugas), well I don’t have a firm position on that, although I do agree that research is important, and if they can prove they’re doing everything to do their research while making sure the conditions are humane and nurturing for the animals, I don’t see the harm in it over all. And while obviously the animals have to come first, and if it’s truly awful for them (which I don’t believe it is at our aquarium) then it shouldn’t be done, but there is definitely something to be said about how much we learn from the animals and how much we love them.

I, for one, feel excited when we go to see the belugas or the dolphins, because they are such amazing animals and they bring a big smile to my face. They also appear to enjoy showing off and learning new tricks to wow us with.

Rest in Peace baby Nala.

I think it’s appropriate to end this with one of Andrew’s favourite songs:

Baby beluga in the deep blue sea,
Swim so wild and you swim so free.
Heaven above and the sea below,
And a little white whale on the go.

Baby beluga, baby beluga,
Is the water warm? Is your mama home,
With you so happy?

Way down yonder where the dolphins play,
Where you dive and splash all day,
Waves roll in and the waves roll out.
See the water squirting out of your spout.

Baby beluga, oh, baby beluga,
Sing your little song, sing for all your friends.
We like to hear you.

When it's dark, you're home and fed.
Curled up snug in your waterbed.
Moon is shining and the stars are out.
Good night, little whale, good night.

Baby beluga, oh, baby beluga,
With tomorrow's sun, another day's begun.
You'll soon be waking.

Baby beluga in the deep blue sea,
Swim so wild and you swim so free.
Heaven above and the sea below,
And a little white whale on the go.
You're just a little white whale on the go.

Monday, June 21, 2010


Last year in around this time (I think it was end of June/early July) we took Andrew to the Petting Zoo at Beacon Hill Park in Victoria. He enjoyed it, but being only 6 months old, he didn’t get a whole lot out of it. So when we decided to take him there yesterday as a little Father’s Day outing, it was amazing to see how much he took it all in!
Last year:
Last year he was carried around because at that point he was only just crawling. This year he enjoyed being carried for part of the time, but he also loved running around and trying to climb the fences to get to the animals!
This year:
The goats are by far the most entertaining part of the Petting Zoo (essentially the only animals there that actually let you pet them!)
Last year:
Last year, even despite his small size and inability to walk, Andrew grabbed at a poor baby goat that was perched on a rock and it fell to the ground. So I was a little concerned what kind of damage he might do this time around, especially knowing what he’s like around our poor kitty cats!!
But he actually did really well. He was so enthralled with the goats that he hugged them, kissed them on their backs, and even brushed a few of them! He did attempt to hit one goat with the brush but he was stopped before it happened. And he did try pulling at one goat’s fur but only for a second and he didn’t cause any harm! Phew =)
It was so fun watching him with the goats, and watching the goats play with each other. One baby goat kept egging on the bigger goats till they would head-butt him. It was quite entertaining.
At one point I reached down to pet one of the goats. It was brown and white and cute as can be. I did a bit of a double-take when I saw the name on her collar. Her name was Tessa.
Now tell me this: What are the chances that a brown (‘liver’ when referring to the colour on a Springer Spaniel) and white goat would just happen to be right there at my feet looking for rubs, and be named Tessa??? I took comfort it in, but it still seemed a bit strange all considered!

We had fun at the petting zoo. I think it’s a good idea to make it a yearly tradition. If not on Father’s Day, at least in around this time, so we can compare the yearly pictures of Andrew’s adventures.
Last year:This year:

It's hard to believe that a week has gone by...

We’re back from the island. We were gone for nearly a week, so it’s good to be home. Bittersweet I guess you could say. It’s nice to get back to having all our stuff and back to our usual routine, but I am still feeling really sad about losing Tessa and the issues that continue on over there. I think I’ve been bottling up my emotions over the course of the week and I’m going to have to deal with those soon. Although I don’t see how I can really cry and just feel better anyway. Nothing is going to bring Tessa back.

I don’t think I’ll do a recap of the past week. There were good moments in it, but nothing I necessarily have to hold onto forever in my memory box.

Although I will do a post soon about our adventures at the Beacon Hill Park Petting Zoo in Victoria on Father’s Day! Just as soon as I get the pics sorted on my computer.

Stay tuned!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Moments in time

Deep sigh

I haven’t much felt like writing the past few days. Part of me still doesn’t. Andrew and I are at my parents’ place till Saturday, then we head to James’ dad’s place for the weekend. We’ve been doing well at keeping busy and Andrew of course helps keep our minds off our grief but it’s still tough.

I haven’t cried since Sunday, the day Tessa died. I got choked up when I called my grandma on Monday to tell her what happened, and I even felt tears well into my eyes when I wrote the words in an email to my aunt. But I haven’t outright cried since I got here. And I can’t explain exactly why that is. Maybe I am a person who tends to bottle things. It’s true that I don’t like other people to see me cry if I can help it, so maybe crying in front of my family makes me feel vulnerable or something. Which is silly because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with crying, I just have my way of handling things I guess. I don’t even tend to like crying in front of James, although of course I have and at times do. I rarely cry though, really, so it’s not that much of an issue.

I do feel very sad though, I feel this strange heaviness that I don’t normally feel at all. I can think about Tessa one minute and feel OK with what has happened because I know it was her time. But then the next minute I feel such a deep sense of loss in knowing that I’ll never get to see her ever again. I can’t accept that yet. How can I never see her ever again? It’s too much to take.

I don’t feel like getting into it all, into how sad Emma is and how hard it is watching her mope around and not act like her usual self. She misses her sister so much, she’s never known life without her. It’s just a sad time, and I know we’ll get through it but right now that doesn’t help much. It’s overwhelming trying to process this.

Maybe I’ll do a picture post instead of dwelling on this stuff.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Our perfect Spanny

I feel so lost right now. Lost with grief. I miss Tessa terribly, just knowing I will never, ever get to see her again. It hurts SO much.

Poor Tessa. I hate thinking about her being dead. I hate thinking about how her brain and her life, all her little memories and likes and dislikes are all just GONE. It feels so wrong, it feels SO wrong.

She had such a presence and she was just THERE for so long, always there. I hate knowing she’s not anymore. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I feel overcome with grief. It’s not a feeling I’m used to and it’s really bugging me. I can’t make it go away because this all just happened and I have no choice but to feel it.

I feel depressed often enough, but just that sort of surface depression where you sort of feel glum or concerned about something but you know deep down it’s something you can push to the side and move away from. No big deal, at least not life or death. But this very much is death, and it means Tessa is no longer with us, and there’s a little part of each of us who loved her that has died also. Because we can’t be quite the same without her.

I just want to go back in time and see her again and hold onto her, even though I know she wouldn’t have wanted that. Because she wouldn’t have understood what I was doing. But I can’t stand thinking about how I’m never going to touch her fur again or have her paw at me for rubs or see her cute self just basking in the sun or snoring loudly on the couch.

I MISS HER. She has only been gone for 6 ½ hours and already I am pining for her. I need to see her and I can’t. The finalization of death is so heartbreaking. It feels so unfair and so…mean and horrible and awful.

I want Tessa back. I want her to be healthy and happy and spry. That fluffy little puppy we brought home from the breeders. When we first met her she was so teensy tiny, her face was still all sunken in and wrinkly, a fresh brand new tiny perfect little Springer Spaniel puppy. There are a lot of cute dogs out there but a Springer Spaniel pup will melt your heart every single time.

Her name was Tessa from the beginning, but the breeders also liked to put more whimsical names as the dogs registered name. Tessa’s ‘real’ name, then, was ‘Once in a Blue Moon.’ And boy did that name ever suit her.

Oh Tessa, why did it have to be your time? I know this happens and I know it’s part of life and we couldn’t have life if we didn’t also have death but that doesn’t make this feel any less painful. It doesn’t make it seem any less unfair that it had to happen to Tessa.

I hate this feeling, it’s a dreadful one. It’s not one I can just toss aside and forget about. I can’t focus on anything other than thinking about her for more than a couple of minutes without sighing and going back over all of this in my mind.

I wish so badly that she was still with us.

I wish I wish I wish.

It is so hard to say goodbye

Today is a very sad day here.

Tessa passed away around 5:00pm, just a few hours ago. I’m still in shock because it all happened so fast. But the denial is slowly wearing away and every few minutes I feel as though I can’t quite breathe properly somehow. I keep saying over and over, ‘Oh Tessa…This just isn’t right.’ Because it feels so wrong.
How can I never see her again? She was always so happy to see me come over for a visit. She was a special girl, that’s for darn sure. She will be missed so much by all of us that knew and loved her.

Tessa was 15 ½ years old. She was born on December 23rd, 1995 in Ladysmith, BC. (A little trivia: although he wasn’t born on that day, Andrew’s due date was December 23rd, which I found to be a special little link between him and Tessa).
Tessa was an alpha female, she had her special ways about her for sure! She knew what she wanted and wasn’t afraid to go for it. But she was also loving and affectionate. Up until the past few years when her health slowly started to decline, she used to love giving kisses, cuddling up on the couch and getting rubs on her back and belly. She was so warm to cuddle up to, and often you could put a blanket over your legs and she would jump up and burrow into you for cuddle time. She also liked grooming, so if you had bare legs and she was laying near them, she might decide to give your legs a bath!

Tessa loved her couch time and we often thought of her as a couch potato, but she also loved to go outside. She loved to smell all the flowers in the garden, and run around on the grass. When she was a pup she enjoyed chasing after her doggie Frisbee, and also loved chasing flashlight beams around the yard or the family room.

When she came to us, her mom’s owners had given her a little plush toy and it was called her Bubba or Little Bubba. When she could still hear, my dad sometimes called her Biiiig Bubba Bub! and when he did, for some reason it made her growl. It made us howl with laughter every time! It was sad when she could no longer hear to growl at that, but now my dad calls Andrew his Big Bubba, and every time Andrew hears it he does this cute shy sort of smile. It’s going to be sad to hear it for a while since it’s a reminder of losing Tessa, but at the same time I think it’s sweet that he carries on the tradition of that name.

Tessa loved to eat fresh fruit, as well as jelly candies. She even chewed gum sometimes, on the rare occasions when I would give it to her. She just chewed and chewed it for minutes on end before swallowing it, as if she KNEW what this gum thing was meant for! LOL She also loved drinking tea and coffee, preferably with cream and sugar but she’d take it straight up in a pinch. Her favourite dog treats were Party Sack and Snausages, although Breath Busters always kept her coming back for more too.

Tessa didn’t love being in a bath, but after her tubby she would always be so full of energies! She loved to race around and she would pant and it looked like she was smiling and gleeful. She loved to scamper around all the time, she had the cutest little walk you ever saw. She often had beautiful feathered fur flowing down from her belly, when she had her big girl hair cut. She was a preciously beautiful liver and white Springer Spaniel.
Tessa was very close to her younger sister, the Black and White Emma Dilemma. I don’t know how Emma is going to take losing her sister. It’s going to be hard. I feel really bad for her because I know she’s going to have it figured out pretty quickly that Tessa isn’t coming back, but it just seems so SAD to not be able to talk to her about it.
Obviously I feel extremely horrible for my parents and brother, who were all there today at the vet’s when Tessa was let go. She was put to sleep because she was very, very sick. Things took a major turn for the worse this afternoon and there was no other option but to take her in. It was heart-wrenching and while I’m glad in some ways to have not been there, part of me does feel as though I should have been. Though the logistics of it are that I couldn’t have been, because we’d have had to take Andrew with us too and he would have squirmed and it just would have been awful having him in that environment. So I know it’s for the best that I wasn’t there. My brother told me that he told Tessa I was sending her my love, and I do know that she knew how much her Tata (long story, but that’s the name she had for me!) loved her.

Tessa had many nicknames, including Capri, Toss, Tossy, Contessa, Constessa, Tekka, and because she was an English spaniel she spoke (through my mom) in an English accent. I will miss hearing her talk! It was very cute.

It’s still so hard to believe she’s gone. It all happened so fast. I have cried, but I know the well is nowhere near run dry. It’s going to be an emotional time the next little while. Especially going over in the next couple of days, having to be in the house without her there, having to help console my mom and just try to get on without Tessa. It’s not going to be easy. My heart breaks a little for Andrew, too, because he LOVES the girls, and see, even just that – we called Emma and Tessa ‘the girls’ – they have ALWAYS been ‘the girls’ and now it just doesn’t sound right as ‘the girl.’ I am afraid of slipping up and saying things like ‘the girls’ or Tessa’s name as if she’s there without thinking, because it’s a habit. How can Tessa not exist anymore? It just doesn’t make any sense.

But I guess that’s because she DOES exist, and always will, in our minds and our hearts.
Tessa, you are and always will be SO SPECIAL to me, I love you so much and I’m so sorry your last days had to be filled with so much pain. But I know, even though right now it hurts so much that you’re gone, that you had a wonderful and long life. You were supposed to go live with an old man, but I’m so glad your mom’s owners decided that we were a better fit for you. I couldn’t imagine not having known you for the time that I did. I love you Capri. You can rest easy now. XOXOXO

It hasn't hit me yet

Tessa is dying. I’m still kind of in shock because while she’s been on a steady decline for a while, it’s easy to deny that the end is ever right around the corner. Only this time, it is.

I only just found out last night how poorly she’s been doing. If my parents don’t call the vet today as an emergency, she will have to go in tomorrow.

It was my last chance to see her again but I have chosen not to go over. I feel terrible not being there, but I also think I’ve made the right choice. I do feel really, really badly that I’m not going, but…I’d have to take Andrew, and I don’t want him to have to witness it all. Especially the state that my mom is in. It’s not a good situation over there, and she’s going to be totally freaking out and for him to have to deal with that would be hard. For me to have to try to shelter him from it would be impossible. I just don’t know what I can really do, what’s happening is happening whether I’m there or not.

I’ve said my goodbyes to Tessa, I’ve sat with her and even though she’s been deaf for years, I’ve told her on many occasions how much I love her and how special she is to me. I’ve known deep down for some time that the next time I see her could be the last. I didn’t say goodbye to her when I was over last week, but I do know she knows I love her and always will.
This picture was taken just last week:
I’ll write a proper post about her later. Right now that just feels too final for me. I can’t deal with it. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what’s happening because even though I know this is it, I can’t imagine going over to that house and Tessa not being there. She’s been there for the last 15 ½ years. It feels like she’s always been there. I love her so much.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Me time...for the moment!

James has taken Andrew out to run around so I can have a bit of a break. When they first left I had a nice hot bubble bath and even used a special facial cleanser that made my skin sooo soft and I put lovely smelling lotion on after and I feel so refreshed now. It was a nice treat after a long day, given that I was awake around 5:30 this morning.

I’m listening to Matthew Good’s Vancouver album and I can’t believe how much I forgot how PERFECT his voice is. OK, I never really forgot, but while I do put ‘my’ music on from time to time, the usual circulation around here is The Wiggles, Raffi, more Wiggles, more Raffi. Throw in a little Bobs & Lolo and music from Yo Gabba Gabba, and…well, you get the drift.

For the record (no pun intended!) we do play our music for Andrew, we don’t keep him reserved to just kid-friendly stuff. He loves to dance to all sorts of songs and doesn’t mind hearing different types of music. We’ve played our own playlists since day one of his life (literally – in fact, for the first few weeks of his life he seemed to drift off to sleep best the louder and more hardcore the music!) But realistically this house is very much centered at the moment around kid-stuff. James and I are constantly getting Wiggles tunes stuck in our heads throughout the day! Which is only natural given our circumstances. But I must say this time to myself with Matt Good cranked up is doing wonders for my sanity right now!

His voice is so incredibly beautiful. I don’t know how else to describe it other than perfection, because truly there is no other singing voice out there that I’d rather listen to. Since 1997-98 when I first really started listening to him, no other voice has ever come before his for me.

I’ve been reading most nights before going to sleep lately. It’s like a drug, I really find it helps put me to sleep to read a few chapters before turning out the lights. I guess because it’s forcing my mind not to circle around issues that get to me, issues I have no control over yet desperately want to control. Reading is so calming and even though it’s totally brain-candy type stuff, totally light and fluffy, I’ve really gotten into the ‘Tales of the City’ series by Armistead Maupin.

Ending this post kind of abruptly, more later…

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Play time fun

I’m so tired of this rain. Enough already! Summer only lasts for so long, we should be out enjoying it right this second. But while it isn’t cold, the rain is keeping us indoors.

We did get out this morning to Andrew’s play group. It was fun, he really enjoyed the sing-a-long. He’s the oldest kid at this particular group so while all the moms and their little babies sit in a circle, he goes into the center of the circle and looks at everyone as they sing. Then when we all clap and cheer at the end of each song, he grins and either screams a little (out of happiness) or claps with us. He’s quite the (vegetarian) ham!

He’s almost too old for this group now, so we’re probably going to start going to one that is ages 0-5, with most kids apparently being in the 1-4 age group. Because of how interactive Andrew likes to be, the woman leading our current group recommended we try out this other one. So next week that will be our new thing to try.

Its been good lately, despite the weather, we’ve managed to get out a fair bit this week. The other day we did a morning play group, then a little run-about at the park, then after nap time we went to the playground, then to the aquarium. I had hoped that day for a second nap time (since by then I was ready for one myself!) but no such luck. Andrew has such an abundance of energy, it’s borderline insane!

Last night we had a family party/get-together with James’ dad’s side of the family. It was particularly fun getting Andrew together with his cousins, L&N, who are 3 and almost two. They had so much fun together! It was a blast watching them run around together, and I had a ton of fun playing with them myself. It’s funny because when I really think about it, I’m in a setting fairly often these days with a bunch of little kids around. But yet I don’t tend to play with them the way I did with Andrew and the girls last night. I’ve interacted with some of the kids at the gym playtime we’ve started going to recently, but it’s different when it’s family and you know each other a little better. I don’t know. All I know is, it was a ton of fun! I love the way little kids play and interact and how they’re not judgmental (at that stage, at least) the way older people are. I think I can get along with kids quite famously! Not that I don’t get along well with adults, but kids are easier to hang out with. LOL Does that make me sound sad somehow?! If it does, well, so be it!

It was just the most adorable thing ever watching Andrew and the girls play. At one point, Andrew started bear hugging N, and while she wanted him pulled off, she’d run back and expect him to do it again, so it became a game. He really took to her, maybe because they’re closer to the same size. He gave her kisses, and at one point grabbed her hand and they walked around hand in hand for a while – sooooo freaking cute!!

A woman at the play group today has a son who’s 2 ½ months younger than Andrew, and is expecting her second child any day now. I don’t envy her position because I really, really know that I’m not ready to be having another baby right now, for many reasons. L&N are only a year and a half apart, which means if Andrew was getting a sibling at that same age, I’d be expecting a baby to pop out in a couple of weeks myself. Seeing L&N together last night, they’re really getting along well now (although that has only been a recent thing) and I love how they have each other to play with. Seeing the way Andrew is (usually!) around other little kids makes me want to have another child so he will have the chance to form that relationship with a little brother or sister of his own. It’s going to be the cutest thing ever to see him hold his sibling and give them hugs and kisses and play with them.

BUT…and it’s a very BIG BUT!!!...he can wait another couple of years. No need to rush! I don’t think he’s complaining about getting all the attention to himself for a little while longer =)

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Row, row, row your boat...

I guess it’s sort of true that since becoming a mother, I really haven’t ever done much, if anything, for myself. I’m not talking about occasionally going out and buying some new clothes, or getting together with someone for a meal or drinks (although that, too, happens only once in a blue moon these days).

It’s been a really long time since I took a class or did something that was just for me out of personal interest. Time and money have been issues for a long time. Both are still issues, although there’s no reason why I can’t get a few hours to myself, especially on the weekend. Money will probably always be an issue, or at least until we are making a dual income again.

But when I saw people taking a rowing class during one of our walks along the sea wall and mentioned to James that trying rowing is on my ‘Bucket List,’ he said I should look into it. Hearing the price scared me off a bit, but we talked about it and I’ve decided to sign up for a weekend class this summer.

Realistically, if we decide to have another baby we’re planning to get pregnant a year from now. Which means I wouldn’t be able to take the class next year, and then of course with a small child and a new baby, well, it would likely be at least a few more years after that before I’d be able to do something like that. So it’s now, or waaaay later, or possibly never, and I’ve chosen now.

It’s out of my comfort zone for sure, as I’m not the least bit athletic or into sports at all usually. I haven’t been part of a team like that for a very long time. But it’s a challenge and something that I’m sure will be a lot of fun. I’ll feel better for having done it, because it’s something I’m doing for me. It’s something I can talk about with people that is sort of mine, rather than only having Andrew’s toddler activities to talk about!

I’m excited about it. It’ll be nice to have that time to do something I’ve always watched and thought I’d like to try. And it gives Daddy and Boy a chance to have a little Saturday/Sunday quality time together – it’s a win/win situation, really =D

It’s also nice to have something to look forward to this summer. Beyond that, we really don’t have any plans. James is going to visit his mother (I don’t really want to talk about it at the moment) for a week coming up, but I’m hoping he’ll be able to swing a couple of days off throughout the summer so we can have some fun family time without it being on a weekend that flies by all too quickly, which always seems to be the case.

We’re CONSIDERING the idea of going away for our anniversary at the end of July, but that can only happen if I have weaned Andrew by then, so he can spend a weekend with his Gramma and Grampa. At the rate we’re going, it’s not likely to happen, but I reeeeally do want to strive for it. It’s time, I know it is, it’s just really hard…But more on this later.

Monday, June 07, 2010

An off day

Today all of a sudden I got super sick. It could have been something I ate. I don’t know. But I was so sick, I sort of became delirious. When I started feeling dizzy and really out of it, I let James know what was going on and he was able to come home a bit early. Thank gawd. It was tough because it happened to be a day where Andrew decided he didn’t want to nap, and he didn’t understand what I was saying when I told him repeatedly, ‘Mommy’s not feeling well and needs to lay down.’ He sobbed outside the bathroom door when I closed it on him to go throw up (but I thought it was a better alternative to having him watching over my shoulder!)

I knew things were pretty bad when I ran a bath but couldn’t for the life of me remember how to stop it running. Seriously, I just stood there for a few seconds staring at the bathtub with no clue as to how to stop it. That was a little scary!

But after throwing up 3 more times I started feeling better and now I think it has passed. Not sure what that was all about, but it wasn’t fun.

If I hadn’t been sick I’d have got Andrew out to run off some of his energy, and then maybe he would have napped. There better be more sun tomorrow so we can get out and do something.

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Boy's first haircut!

Today we took Andrew for his VERY FIRST HAIRCUT.

I kept putting it off because to me he’s still a little baby and how could he possibly be such a big boy ALREADY as to need a haircut?! Not to mention that every single lock of his gorgeous blond hair is precious to his Momma!

But a few people told me it looked like he had a little baby-mullet. And yesterday when he was on the swing at the park, as adorable as he is no matter what, I realized I could no longer deny that the baby-mullet was indeed what he was sporting. No offence meant to anyone here, but I personally am not a big fan of the mullet. A baby can get away with it for a while but I think being mullet-free is a better alternative for anyone.

So I ran my hands through his hair this morning one last time, and off we went to the Lonsdale Quay in North Van to get his first trim.
They have one of those kid salons where they sit in a little car or train to have their hair done. It’s obviously a novelty – who knew it would cost TWENTY DOLLARS for a baby to get his hair trimmed?! A little steep if you ask me (especially since he ended up not even sitting in the chair because he was too upset about the whole thing!) I wanted him to sit in the Thomas the train chair and he did for a few seconds but then when the woman came at him with a comb and scissors, I guess who can blame him – he freaked. I held him in my arms and held his head close to me so she could snip of pieces here and there, and the end result turned out really cute. I was nervous it would be butchered because of how much he was flailing around, but obviously the woman is used to that kind of behaviour!

Our boy no longer sports a mullet hairdo, but rather one of a little boy.
My lil guy isn’t so little anymore. But one thing's for sure - he keeps getting cuter and cuter all the time!

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