Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Jumping off the deep end

Who am I?

Gawd, I have no freaking idea.

Really. The question haunts me.

I now have a little boy who, as his curiosity grows and his understanding of the world around him further develops, will start to ask me questions. Obviously most of those questions won’t really be about me at all, but rather the world around us. But still, he’s going to get more and more of a sense of who ‘mom’ is and it freaks me out a little that I don’t quite know what that image will be for him.

I thought I’d have that all figured out by now, but clearly I do not.

Will I ever?

It’s not like I jumped into having a child before I felt ready. I mean, it feels as though it would be more justifiable, me feeling this way, had I had Andrew when I was, say, 18 or 20. I wouldn’t have had the chance to figure myself out at all because I’d have still been so young.

I am not old, but at 30 I am no spring chicken either. You’d think I’d know a thing or two about myself by now.

And maybe I’m just not giving myself enough (or any) credit here. Because obviously I know myself. I know a lot about what I like and what I don’t, what type of personality I have, that sort of thing.

But who am I really? What do I do? What did I do before Andrew came along? What I mean is, how would I have defined myself when I was just ME without the title of mom? WHO IS ELIZABETH AS AN INDIVIDUAL??

I don’t want to be famous. I hate being in the limelight. I’m not after fame. Fortune I could handle (ha) but fame, not so much. I don’t need world-wide recognition, but obviously I’d like it if my own child sees something in me to be proud of.

I know I’m a good mom, in that I am loving and attentive and want the very best for my child. Although sometimes my insecurities make me wonder if I really can give him the best of everything – because my personality does not put me out there as much as what other mom’s personalities would, which means he probably isn’t being enriched with as many things as what other kids are. But then again, I also know he has a far more enriching life than a great many, too, so I guess it’s all relative. And I know Andrew loves me and as long as I continue to love him and care for him and help him to learn and grow (while I learn and grow with him), he WILL look up to me.

But…I want to be somebody. Even if just for me. Even if just for how that will transfer to him. If that makes sense? I want to feel like I’ve accomplished something that I can share with him, something that will set me apart a little from other people in his life. Or something like that, I’ve never really put it into words so it’s not coming out exactly how it feels.

I know I don’t give myself enough credit for the things I HAVE done, so I’m sure I’m over-analyzing to some degree. I remember when my brother and s-i-l made the awesome slideshow for our wedding, I was astounded at what they put together. Just from a series of pictures, our lives intertwined. It made me realize just how amazing my life has been so far and showed me that I HAVE accomplished things. Everything from graduating kindergarten, to starting high school, finishing high school and going on to complete my degree in Criminology. Going on trips, and I would have to say the most important thing being that I found the love of my life, the person I would go on to have a family with. I have had and do have a very wonderful and fulfilling life…for the most part.

I guess we are always looking to change and grow, and if we’re not, that’s probably more of a problem than if we’re constantly looking for something more. It’s natural, right?

But it’s also very confusing. And I have to ask the question: where/how do I find the time to figure things out when I am so tired, have a toddler to tend to, and did I mention am so tired??! I obviously did (in my mind) a somewhat poor job of figuring out who I was before I decided to have a baby, so what makes anyone think I could possibly figure it out now that he’s running around and keeping every minute of my day busy?

I love my life being all about him but I do need a certain amount of it to also be about me, as selfish as that might sound. It’s not even really because I want me for me but because I want me to be interesting to he!!

I want my boy to think his mom is cool, at least as long as a son can possibly think such a thing about his own mother. I want to have something more to offer him than just hugs and love because those things just seem so obvious and come almost too naturally.

I know I have a spark in me, it’s alive, I just don’t quite now how to get the fire to burn. I need a direction, I want something to reel me in, but I guess that means I’m not wanting to put in the effort and just throw myself into whatever it is that I should be doing.

If I just knew what that thing was, right??!

But then, if that was the case, I’d already be doing it!

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