Friday, May 28, 2010

I need a f*cking holiday

While of course my situation could be far worse than it is, I feel like I have enough on my plate without my m-i-l making me feel like banging my head against a wall.

It doesn’t help matters that Andrew decided not to nap AT ALL today, not even for 5 minutes, so I haven’t had a single break since getting up at 8am. I even took him swimming in the hopes it would tucker him out in the early afternoon, but it’s nearly 6pm and nadda. It’s really tough because he’s go go go to such a degree, I literally CAN’T keep up over an extended period of time. I am able to put it into perspective because I know it’s because I’m so tired but I actually started thinking I wish I would just die and then I could sleep forever. And I HATE it when it gets that bad. That’s when I start crying because I feel bad for even thinking such a thing, even if just for a fleeting moment. I can’t help it though. Sometimes, there are just days like that.

It’s hard because I have enough with just Andrew to deal with, and while usually he’s an absolute peach, he has his moments just like the rest of us. Even if he’s not ‘having a moment,’ he’s just such high energy that it’s a challenge to keep up at times.

If I just had him to contend with, that would be one thing.

But why don’t we throw my severely depressed mother into the mix?

And my psycho-lunatic mother in law who obviously has a big chunk of coal in place of a heart?

It’s so emotionally draining dealing constantly with other people’s shite. It’s truly tiresome. I don’t know what more to say.

I wrote a whole journal entry about ‘dealing with a depressed person’ but I didn’t post it. It explains one or two things of how I’m feeling, although I wasn’t satisfied with it after I wrote it because I don’t actually know how to put into words what I feel.

But here it is, anyway:

It’s hard dealing with a depressed person on a regular basis. Especially when it is someone you care so much about.

I find it really transfers onto me, onto my own life, (probably in more ways than I’m even aware) and sometimes it’s hard to shake the feeling. The feeling of being overwhelmed by their sadness, feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness. Coming to terms with their seemingly eternal unhappiness is hard.

It’s hard for many reasons, some of them obvious. But one thing that has been hitting me harder and harder lately is seeing how much the depression affects our relationship. It means we can’t have the relationship I thought we once had. We can’t have the friendship that we could have. It’s not that we aren’t friends and it’s not that we don’t have a relationship, but it very much revolves around the depression. And you can only do so much with that.

You can only say certain things, and conversations generally take a negative turn. There are good times and there is laughter and happy-seeming conversation, but we all know what is at the root of it all. When all is said and done, the negativity ends up rearing its ugly head pretty much every time.

And you become almost afraid to say certain things, things you’re thinking about doing or are doing in your own life that are positive. It’s also hard sometime to tell them what you think they can or should do to make changes for the better in their lives. You get to a point where you feel like a broken record and you fall silent when you feel you should probably say something. It’s a vicious circle ALL THE TIME.

It’s so sad to watch a person you love go on this downward spiral. I feel a sense of loss constantly. I don’t know how to come to terms with the fact that this isn’t going to change. But I just don’t think it ever will. How can I ever be OK with that?

I take way too much on, but I have no choice. Or at least that’s how it feels. I’m not good at setting boundaries. I end up being an enabler and I also end up sort of being taken advantage of. Not on purpose, but it happens.

It’s an exhausting process, obviously more so for the depressed person. They don’t mean to do it and it’s not like I’m playing the blame game here. But it takes its toll on loved ones too.


Did I mention in there that something else that’s really hard to deal with sometimes is how the person can’t really be there for you, not in the ways you really need them to be, because of their depression? Because it’s true. It’s so hard sometimes, knowing that they can really only be there for you in more surface ways because ultimately they’re so self-focused and dwelling on their own issues that it would be impossible for them to truly be there for someone else.

Sigh.

I won’t even get into what’s upsetting me with the mother in law. I was going to, but this is long enough as it is. And Andrew has been whining for hours now and I can’t concentrate anymore. Luckily James is home and ‘dealing’ with him at the moment, but still. We have to go out in half an hour and I’m totally not prepared for that. We’re heading over to my bro and s-i-l’s to hear about their trip to Russia. I’m looking forward to hearing about it, but given they don’t do well with kids and Andrew is going to be super fuss-budgety given his lack of nap, this should make for a reeeal fun time =D

LIZZIE NEEDS SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No comments:



blogger template by lovebird