Sunday, April 25, 2010

A picture is worth a thousand words...and apparently dollars as well!

I have come to the realization that there just simply isn’t enough time, ever, to get done the things I want to do. I guess back in my pre-baby days, I was accustomed to being able to do whatever needed doing whenever I felt like doing it. Just a simple task, such as taking the pictures from my camera and putting them on the computer, organizing them and fixing them in photoshop to put up on flickr, or facebook, my blog, and just have on the ready for when I needed them. Of course, I didn’t take the thousands of pictures I take now when I was pre-baby. If Andrew wasn’t so freaking cute I wouldn’t have this problem because I wouldn’t be snapping pictures of him constantly!!!!

I guess it’s a pretty good trade-off =)

But seriously, I have no time. James was really ambitious this morning, he usually doesn’t feel like doing a whole lot on a weekend morning other than lazing around. The usual is James up early with Andrew and Andrew beating his head against the bedroom door because he knows Momma’s in there. So I wake up every 10 minutes when I’m supposed to be getting some rest and James is constantly trying to keep the boy away from the door. Not the greatest scenario.

Feeling sick of that process, this morning James decided to take Andrew out to Shopper’s to get diapers and other items on our list of what we need. When I got up, he was about to take him back out to do some running around at the hotel lobby nearby. I asked him who he was and what he had done with my husband. LOL

I suggested we sit and have a coffee together, then he could still take Andrew out for a bit so I could still have that time. The idea being that I’d love some free time, obviously, since I so rarely get it. But with a specific task in mind: getting pictures dealt with. I am soooo far behind and soooo pissed off that facebook is no longer allowing me to post pictures unless I want them all sideways, which I don’t, so I have to come up with an alternate plan for sharing photos with friends (which will likely be through flickr).

But they left for their outing and I decided to shower, then I did a quick tidy up, just because we’re having my bro and s-i-l babysit later and then my b-i-l and s-i-l are coming over to watch the hockey game. By the time I did all of that and had a quick bite of breakfast…and cleaned up the disgusting puke one of our cats did (thanks, Fifi, just what I needed!), I realized most of my time to myself was over and now I feel like I’ll be lucky to finish this post before the boys walk in the door.

I appreciate every minute I get but – sigh – there is just never enough time to get done what I want or need to do. I know it’s the story of everyone’s life, kids or not, but kids certainly tack on an extra time pressure thing that wasn’t there before!

And I’m fine with that for the most part, obvs I wouldn’t trade the boy in for all the time in the word – noddachance!

Speaking of pictures, we went for a photo shoot yesterday morning at a place we’d never been to before. It was an amazing experience, far better than the other one we’d had last year when we took Andrew for photos when he was 5 ½ months old. They took beautiful photos and of course I fell in love with every single one of them.

Then it came time to find out the pricing.

And I nearly fell on the floor.

Basically to buy a cd of all the pictures for $199.99, (which itself is outrageous – for 33 pictures on a cd, $200 bucks!) you also had to purchase 5 printed photos at $39.99 EACH. All printed on 8x10 paper, so either that size one photo or 2 5x7s and down it went (but if you had multiples on one sheet, they all had to be the same image). So we’d be looking at $400 to purchase our photos.

Or just ONE picture only not even on a disk, for $40.

Ummm….if we were rich I’d have snapped ‘em all up but we really were struggling to decide what to do.

All the pictures were so sweet and precious in their own way. One would show Andrew smiling, another the chubby dimples on his hands, and there was a really great one of the three of us as a family where we were all smiling.

How can you pass that stuff up?

But we had no choice. They do keep the pics on file for 2 months so we can go back if we change our minds but…

What we did purchase (for $150) is 3 very small prints on canvas. So we can have them up on the wall as an art piece and I am really excited about it. It was expensive but at least they’re on canvas so I can understand it a little more. I said it can be my mother’s day gift because it’s something I will cherish so much! We chose one image of Andrew playing with a bowl of apples, another where he’s playing with blocks and the picture also has the little wooden car in it that my dad made for him for his first birthday, and one picture where he’s got his Canucks cap on backwards and he’s about to take it off. SO CUTE!! I can’t wait to pick that up in a few weeks.

I wish we could get all the pictures though, it really is sad that we can’t afford them but I just don’t think we can justify that kind of cost. We talked a lot about it last night and both agreed all the pics are priceless and we want them all, at the same time ‘priceless’ for us can’t mean paying any price for them!! It’s just too much. Think about it: yes it’s a beautiful keepsake photograph, but $40 for one glossy sheet of paper with some ink on it? Seriously??? It’s insane.

Now I’m thinking if I could just afford to buy a good SLR digital camera and take a few photography classes, becoming a photographer really could be a good gig…

Friday, April 23, 2010


I’m not going to get into the reasons for why some people choose to have lots of children. And I guess I could say all the power to them. If you want lots of kids and you can properly care for each and every one of them, well I guess it’s your right to do so!

For myself, obviously I love having a child of my own. It’s so amazing to look at him and see myself and James and other family members’ looks and traits. It’s incredible, actually! We hope to possibly have a second child together. But two’s the limit!

If we desperately wanted a third (not gonna happen), I think I would prefer to look into adoption rather than having our own child. I feel that there are already so many children out there in the world that don’t have loving homes, and it wouldn’t sit well with me to keep popping out more kids when there are so many that are in need.

I also just plain don’t understand how people can handle having so many kids. I see pictures of families where the parents are surrounding by 5 or 6 (or more!) kids and I kind of feel as though I can’t breathe for a minute, just imagining that. Again, to each his or her own, but omg, that is just not for me.

I wonder why it is that some people handle having so many kids and don’t appear to be completely insane, and then there’s me. There’s just no way I could keep an ounce of sanity if I had a whole zoo-full of children!

I love my boy and he’s wonderful and sweet but I honestly think I could possibly become quite depressed if I had a truckload of kids. (Which I’m sure lots of parents who have lots ARE…but there are also lots that appear perfectly happy and I really do wonder how they do it!!) It’s overwhelming just keeping up with one, how do people keep up with 3,4,5 and more?! I know people always say you make do with what you have and whatever cards you’re dealt you play with, but….BUT!!!!

Whatever, everyone handles things differently. Sometimes I just think, wow, I must be super lazy or something because I can get so bogged down from trying to take care of business just for a family of 3, and that ‘3’ is one child and me and James! Yet I have friends that are the same age as me who have FOUR children. So they have 6 people they’re taking care of on a daily basis AND THEY’RE LIVING AT HOME, NOT IN THE NUT HOUSE! I would have to be committed if I were them, I am sure of it! But maybe that’s why they have such large families and I don’t =P

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The m-i-l from H-E-L-L

I wasn’t going to say anything about it but why hold my tongue?

On Friday afternoon before we left for the island, I decided to check my email one last time since I wouldn’t be taking my laptop with me to Victoria. I wish I hadn’t.

There was an email from the m-i-l. A response to my email after I sent another one because she didn’t respond to the first one.

It was of course all about shoving everything back in my face, that the onus was all on me to make things right. Apparently I am judgmental and selfish. Amongst other things.

There was a lot more to it than just this, but here is what stuck with me the most. She said that it is her ‘right’ to see her grandson, and that legally she could insist on it once he is weaned. You better believe I took this as a threat.

Am I really supposed to forgive this? I have written a response to her entire email but haven’t sent it yet. I just don’t know what to say anymore, even though my response is at least a page long. I don’t want to say anything to her anymore. I am so tired of all her bs and the fact that she will never own up to her behaviour. The fact that she doesn’t CARE enough about the grandson she’d apparently take legal action to see, yet chooses not to bother visiting when we say she can. How’s that for screwed up?!

She got me curious and I looked into what the law states with regards to grandparents rights. If there is no prior relationship between grandparent and grandchild (which arguable there isn’t between her and Andrew, since they only met once when he was 10 ½ months old for a week) and if there are ongoing issues between the grandparent and the parent(s), the courts tend to favour the side of the parent. I’m guessing they see it the way I do, that it’s a toxic relationship if the grandparent and parents are always bickering, so why stick the kid into that kind of a mess. Better to keep ‘em separated.

So if she was to take us to court, she would have her ‘rights’ stripped from her. Which would be glorious to me, except for the fact that it could all end up costing us upwards of $20,000 which, oh yeah, WE DON’T HAVE. I just don’t understand her at all. I gather it’s an empty threat, meant to upset me. So I will have to admit then that on this one, she’s won, she has got to me. But how unbelievably effing RUDE and MEAN and HORRIBLE is it for her to say such a thing to me? Completely unwarranted when I never once said she couldn’t see Andrew. In fact, ever since the time when he was being born and she fled away from us the day after his birth, I have done everything I can to try to get it through to her that the main problem I have is the way she disregards Andrew. Leaves him or doesn’t bother coming to see him when she said she would, it’s just a different version of the same event all over again.

How many times do we have to go through this?

Just me and my boy

I really hope I don’t jinx it but I have to comment on how amazing Andrew’s sleep is progressing. He was go go go tonight, not at all unusual but lately around 8:30 he’s started getting that tired face rubbing eyes thing happening, hinting that pretty soon he’ll be down for the count. Not tonight, however. Of course, wouldn’t you know the night I’m on my own and getting pretty exhausted myself, he’s not sleepy!

BUT I got him running around the apartment (quite gleefully, I might add – I run past him and hide in another room and he comes to find me, I leap out and run past him somewhere else, it’s his favourite game!) to burn off some steam, then he ate some yogurt and I started saying to him, Is it time for Night Night’s Andrew? Are you getting sleepy? Is it time for beddy byes? After a little while he thought about it and realized it indeed was! So he nursed for a while and fell asleep. I put him in his crib, he woke up but only long enough to turn his head toward his Tiny Tad doll while I pressed it to play the nighttime music, and he was literally out like a light. Not a single whimper and zero tears! This is an absolute first, him going to bed without a single bit of fuss. Wonderful!

I just hope it doesn’t all get ruined when James walks in the front door, please please please make him not wake up when his dad gets home!!!!!

It was a good day, I did end up napping with Andrew for nearly an hour this afternoon. Then we read books, played, read more books, played some more, ate (he’s being so fussy, kept wanting to munch on pickles but then he’d leave the majority of the pickle on the floor somewhere and go back to the jar in the fridge wanting a fresh one!) We had supper and then I gave him another bath. We have this plastic thing that I was suctioning onto his body, it’s just this little round thing that was part of a nasal suction from when he was a newborn (that he hated and refused to ever let us use on him, might I add) He thought it was hilarious when I’d make it stick to his forehead or his belly, then he’d pull it off and pass it back to me to do again. It was a lot of fun!

He takes up every second of my day and all the energy in my world but he’s worth all of it. I won’t lie and say it’s always easy, but even for all the challenges I wouldn’t trade being a mom for anything. This post here by Her Bad Mother is a wonderful depiction of motherhood and how there are ups and downs and goods and bads but when all is said and done, it’s the most incredible experience to be a mom.

A quick post before a nap...

A few hours ago I made ‘Sneaky Snack Bars’ from a recipe I found in a recent issue of Today’s Parent magazine. I just tried them and OMG they are DELICIOUS! When I have a chance I’ll post the recipe, they are soooo yummy. Definitely satisfy my sweet tooth and yet they have such healthy ingredients. Best combo ever!

From the same magazine, I also just finished making a vegetarian version of a Tex-Mex Shepard’s Pie. We didn’t have chilli powder so I used cayenne and I think I used a little too much…Which James will love but Andrew and I might have problems with it. Hate it when that happens, but I think it’ll still be good. And I could always add a few dollops of tomato sauce or something to ours to disperse the spice a bit! I actually think I prefer my own Shepard’s Pie recipe that is super simple and fast to make, but we’ll see how this one is.

I’m really trying to make a few different things, even if this one is a variation of something I make on a semi-regular basis. I have a bunch of recipes on a short-list right now that I plan on trying over the next little while. Trying to get us out of our food rut a bit.

We had our last swim today for these lessons, but after class I signed us up for the next set so we go as per our usual every week till the end of May. I wasn’t going to sign up – a week or two break would have been nice – but if we didn’t go for this one, the next one doesn’t start till the very last day of May. That’s too long to go without swimming. Of course we can always go to the drop in times and not take a class since I could do all the nursery rhymes and things in my sleep from taking so many classes. But I need the structure of set times where we’re forced to go, and also it’s nice knowing the same people are generally there for each class.

Today it was SO cute, this little girl a few months younger than Andrew was so excited when he got into the pool. We (the moms) put them near each other and the little girl grabbed Andrew into a big hug! He didn’t hug her back so I said, Andrew, why don’t you give her a hug too? Instead, he reached over and gave her a kiss on the cheek!! Awww, little boyfriend and girlfriend =) It was so cute. Then the girl started grabbing at Andrew’s shoulders playfully, it was seriously as if they were making out, it was so funny. Unfortunately I found out they’re moving across the country soon so we won’t be seeing them again =( Hopefully Andrew will meet a new girlfriend in his next class!

I think I’m crashing…Maybe I should go nap while Andrew’s still asleep. He could wake up at any time and then it’s go go go till 8:30-9:00pm (which seems to be his new bedtime – yesterday it was 8:40, thank goodness because we got to watch LOST at 9 IN PEACE, I think for the first time this season!!) and he didn’t wake up till 5:00am! Came into bed with us, then up at 7:30. He’s getting up a bit earlier but I guess that’s the trade off for how early he goes to sleep. I’m just so pleased that he’s sleeping so well in his crib, it’s such an amazing turn of events.

But anyway, James is going to visit his brother tonight (his bro has epilepsy and had a seizure yesterday – fell right on the street outside his work, quite scary) so I am on my own with the boy all day and then till after he goes to sleep. It makes for a long day for sure, but if I shut my eyes for a few now, I just might manage it all energy-wise! If not, there’s always Tassimo =)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fun times

We had a lot of fun in Victoria this past weekend. James’ dad and partner loved spending time with Andrew and it was really sweet watching him interact with them. The weather was so mild and beautiful, more like summer than spring. We got out to the Lieutenant Governor’s garden and Andrew loved running around there (and was desperate to get into a water fountain, he was not happy when we had to pry him away from it!) and also a little tots park (where he met Simon). Our travels worked out well too, we were really lucky with making all the connections at just the right times.

Sunday night when we got home we gave Andrew a bath and got him ready for bed. Then he nursed but afterwards he was really fussy. He just didn’t want to fall asleep in my arms. I said, ‘You need to go Night Night, Mister!’ after which he proceeded to whine and point forcefully in the direction of his bedroom.

He WANTED me to put him in his crib so he could go to sleep!!

I took him to his crib and he fussed for a minute, I got his classical music playing, turned on his night light and the baby monitor, hugged and kissed him. Our regular routine now. I left the room and he was literally fast asleep in about 30 seconds.

Last night my aunt and uncle babysat so James and I could go out for dinner to celebrate his birthday. Andrew went to bed at 8:30pm, with only a few seconds of fussiness, and slept STRAIGHT THROUGH THE NIGHT TILL 6:45AM!!!!!

And tonight he went to bed at about 20 to 9 and only cried for a total of about 4 SECONDS before falling fast asleep. He nurses at night still but he just can’t go to sleep afterwards like he used to, he needs to go to his crib awake and then fall asleep. Which is THE BEST!

But weird at the same time because for his afternoon nap he still likes to nurse and fall asleep in my arms, then I usually transfer him to our bed instead of his and he prefers that! We have different routines for different sleeps =)

Anyway, we’ll see how long he sleeps for but I am feeling so amazingly good about his recent sleeping pattern. It’s incredible.

Theoretically I am getting more sleep, and I suppose I AM, although I tend to go to bed late so as to have a bit of time to myself and I’m not necessarily sleeping right through since my body is so used to waking up, but this is SUCH an improvement so I’m happy!

Anyway, James’ birthday was great, although I wish he didn’t have to work for it because I felt like I should have done more for him but couldn’t since he was at work all day.

When he got home from work, after some people called to say Happy Bday, he opened his gifts from Andrew and me. We got him 3 shows on DVD: Season 3 of ER, the first season of Damages, and the first season of Prison Break. All shows best watched after the boy goes to bed, but I didn’t think he’d appreciate getting a boxed set of The Backyardigans so I went ahead and picked shows I thought he’d enjoy (and me, too, so we can watch them together, although I will admit that I do enjoy The Backyardigans!)

(Actually, Yo Gabba Gabba is the BEST. It’s hilarious. My mom got Andrew a YGG DVD for Easter and the first episode has Jack Black in it. He is freaking HILARIOUS on this show, I’m serious, I don’t know if it’s on youtube but I recommend a quick search for it, omg he’s a riot).

Getting off track here…

I also got James (as his ‘main gift’) tickets so he and I can go see Broadway’s version of Disney’s The Lion King at the Queen E theatre in early August. So excited for that!! He saw a bunch of commercials for it a little while back and kept going on about how cool it looked so I had the lightbulb moment of what his bday gift should be. I got the tix and then he kept on going on about how we should go…I was afraid he’d suggest we get tickets when I already secretly had them, so I played it as if I wasn’t really all that interested. It worked – he was totally pleasantly surprised when he opened that up!

Dinner out was amazing, it was one of my favourite dates that we’ve had since before Andrew was born. We went to Cardero’s, which is fairly close to where we live, and sat on the patio. It was so mild out and we had a beautiful view of the mountains and it really felt as if we were on holiday. The service was super and while there’s not much on the menu for a vegetarian, I love their big salad so it worked out well. We also shared the flatbread for an appy and it was to die for! James had the ahi tuna, which he loves, and they gave him a complimentary dessert since it was his bday and I had sorbet which was so tasty. We had strawberry cheesecake with my aunt and uncle once we got home. All in all, a perfect birthday celebration for my wonderful hubby!

Monday, April 19, 2010


I’ve been extremely thirsty today.

Andrew’s been sleeping for almost 2 hours.

The laundry’s almost done, although there’s always more.

It’s James’ 31st birthday today and we’re going on a DATE while my aunt and uncle babysit the boy! Yay!

I can’t wait till Jet gets home from work so I can give him his prezzies. One in particular is going to surprise him and I think he’s going to be quite thrilled.

I’m looking forward to getting a little dressed up tonight.

Swimming was fun today, Andrew’s favourite thing is kicking and splashing. He also grins when we do Humpty Dumpty, every time without fail it’s a guaranteed smile!

The windows are being washed and I hate feeling like the window washers could be looking in at me. That and I hate having to have all the windows closed when it’s so freaking hot.

I have the fan blowing on me right now.

The spring weather has really hit us and I’m LOVING it.

Andrew met a cute little one year old boy at the park in Victoria this weekend named Simon and they were instant friends. It was so cute watching them pass pine cones to one another.

I desperately need to get my bangs trimmed. I go tomorrow but it’s not soon enough, they’re driving me mental constantly falling into my left eye. A no bangs haircut might be somewhat less stylish but so much easier maintenance!

I’m drawing a blank on more things to say so I’ll leave it at that.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Island bound

We’re heading to the island for the weekend to visit James’ dad. They haven’t seen Andrew since his bday on new year’s eve so they’re in for a treat, they won’t believe how much he’s changed!

Such a beautiful day, hoping the weather holds for the weekend so we can get out and see some sights in Victoria.

I feel like I have to madly rush to get us packed and ready to go so I’d better go get that started before Andrew wakes up from his nap. We went and got James a few more prezzies for his birthday (which is on Monday) and then stopped by his work and had lunch with him. Andrew had fun running around the conference room. They have guitar hero in there and he kept pointing at the guitar and making a noise like he was curious about it…but he was also afraid of it so he never did go near it! It’s kind of big compared to him and I can sort of see how it could look scary if you didn’t know what it was! LOL He’s terrified of the vacuum cleaner (didn’t phase him at all and then when we had to get our new one he’s been afraid ever since!) and I think he thought the guitar was some kind of machine!

Anyhoo…it was a nice little outing before our trip. Lots of bussing and then the stupid ferry…but I’d say it’s James’ turn to deal with Andrew on the ferry, I’ve done my fair share of taking it on my own with him, it’s his turn to do all the running around!!!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A happy Thursday

I took Andrew to a new mom/tots group this morning just to see what it was like. I was sceptical because I knew most if not all of the ‘kids’ there would be little babies. I love little babies, but it’s hard to socialize when I’m the only one chasing after a toddler while all the other moms sit while their babies stare up at the ceiling because they can’t even roll over yet. (I’ve been there and done that too many times!!) But this group was AWESOME, I can’t express how happy I was – and even more importantly, how much fun Andrew had.

It took me back to my pre-school days because it was set up very similarly to how my pre-school was…*cough* 25 years ago. Well, it didn’t look like it had been set up a quarter of a century ago, but you know what I mean! There were bins of toys and rugs and mats on the floor and it was just perfectly set up for little ones to have a field day, which Andrew did. He was the oldest one there, not entirely surprising since the group is for 0-18 months and he’s on the older scale of that. But there were a few mobile babies (at least crawling). I’m going to try taking him to a drop-in for 0-5 years though, because it’d be interesting to see how he interacts with kids a bit older than him. Well I know he does pretty well from taking him to the play area at the aquarium a lot, but there are more toys and things at the play group. Anyway, he did well with the wee babes, the only issue was that he sometimes didn’t see them because they’re so low to the ground and he’s running and looking up at all the things he can get into, so he would trip over them and it was a concern (more for their safety than for his!) I was really proud of him though. He was a bit shy when we first got there but then he was in love with the place and he only slapped one baby’s head ONCE, otherwise he didn’t do anything to hurt another child. And it wasn’t like he was deliberately hitting the kid to be mean, he seems to think slapping is playful, because he does it to the kitty cats a lot for a reaction. He must think of it as ‘play,’ although I’m doing my darndest to teach him it’s not!

Luckily the mom was good about it and the baby seemed unphased. I had met them before at a group months and months ago, which I think helped! We’re all in the same boat and understand that our babies are going to do things that embarrass us and just plain aren’t right, it’s just part of them growing up and learning, it’s not that we’re doing something wrong.

Anyway, I can’t express enough how great our morning was. It was nice to actually socialize too, Andrew seemed pretty enthralled with some of the toys so while yes I did have to chase after him at times, a lot of the time he stayed in one spot and I could have a whole conversation with someone without interruptions! It’s been a while since I could say that.

It was so cute, during sing-a-long time the person leading the group asked if we wanted to sing Old Macdonald and Andrew screamed as if to say YES! Everyone laughed and smiled at him, which he took to mean they liked this reaction so for the next few minutes he just kept screaming every so often. It was cute…up to a point!!! Thankfully after a while he stopped!

After the group we were walking home and he was just chatting away, in his gibberish but still, it was like he was talking about it all and seemed quite excited.

He had a dr’s appt this afternoon, just for a regular check-up. I want the dr to see him every so often just so they have a bit of a relationship, and so far so good. He actually remembered us, which seems rare with doctors around here. He’s easy to get an appt with, also rare, and he’s so kind and thorough and wonderful. So happy to have found him, after wishing for a doctor for 12 years, it’s like a dream come true!

Andrew hasn’t really gained weight since he was weighed in January, he’s 24.4 lbs. I weighed that much when I was 8 months old! LOL But I was a serious Michelin tire arms baby, I was fat and not ph-phat! =D Apparently according to the charts Andrew is in the 50 percentile for weight, although I take it with a grain of salt. He’s in the 70th percentile for height now, so he’s not considered as ‘short’ as he was before, although again, I take it all with a grain of salt. Because who’s to say what the ‘average’ height and weight truly is or should be for any age group?! All I know is that Andrew is healthy and proportionate and oh yeah, did I mention PERFECT?!?!!!!

All in all, it was a great day =)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Enjoying the silence

When James said he was getting together with his bro tonight, I was fine with it obviously, but a part of me was thinking, oh gawd, what a long day this is going to be for me! Andrew has been go go go since before we left for swimming and only had a 45 minute nap this afternoon. Needless to say, I was exhausted before dinner time.

I’m thanking my lucky stars because I didn’t even suggest it, James decided all on his own that he could take Andrew with him to go spend time with bro/uncle N. Yippeeee! That means free time for Elizabeth/Momma. When he asked what I thought of that idea, I told him it was a glorious plan!

It was so cute, a few minutes after they left I happened to look out the window and I could see them, off my boys went up the street headed for the west end. I could just see the tuft of hair on Andrew’s head in the stroller but I could picture in my mind how he looked, taking in all the sights around him. Cutest boy ever, with the most adorable Daddy pushing him along =)

It’s SO nice to have a bit of a breather. I love my boys and I’d be happy to be spending the evening with one or both of them. But it’s nice to have some peace and quiet. After I quickly cleaned up from supper, I went and soaked in a hot bubble bath and I was actually able to keep the door open so it didn’t feel like a sauna after 2 minutes. And I didn’t hear anyone whining or banging their head against the door in protest that I was having a bath at all. It’s the little things that make all the difference!!

I am now sitting on the couch with a glass of True Blue juice ON THE TABLE BESIDE ME. Also unheard of when the boy is around.

I still have some time but I’d better use it wisely. It always has a way of going by too quickly…

Oh glorious SPRING

I am LOVING the spring weather we’re suddenly having. That major chill is starting to leave the air I think (I hope!)

There is something so wonderful about a bright blue sky, the sun shining down, and not having to pile blankets over Andrew to make sure he’s warm enough when we’re out for a stroll. Finally we will be able to start taking him to the park and he’ll actually be able to leave the concrete path and run through the grass because it will be DRY!!

I love spring. I think I love spring even more than summer, because it’s warm but not TOO warm. It’s the beginning of the happier seasons, when everything feels fresh and new and we can breathe a sigh of relief because the winter’s gone. I love it!

I wonder if this summer the ocean will get warm enough that we can take Andrew in for a dip! How cute will that be, his first experience ‘swimming’ in the ocean. He swam in the ocean once before but technically it was me in the water with him tucked inside my uterus when he was about 6 months along. Oh gawd, he would be mortified to have that mental image. LOL

Yes, I am doing my utmost to be HAPPY today. It’s hard when I get to thinking about external circumstances that get me down. Every so often I think about B dying and he was only one month younger than me, it’s SO sad to think about that. I found out more info and I didn’t know this, but as it happens he had a brain tumour removed when he was 8 and a side effect was dealing with occasional seizures. Unfortunately, that’s what ended up taking his life. And nothing can make it seem OK that someone who just turned 30 a few weeks ago has been taken, but reading his obituary it sounds like he really did live his life like each day was his last. He was very involved in the community and worked hard and enjoyed what he did, so good for him. But still…

Then there’s the stupid m-i-l issues, which are at an all time low it seems, just when I thought things couldn’t get worse with her. And of course my worrying about my own mom and the issues there. Blah blah blah. We all have them right, family issues and so on and so forth?

But it’s still important to embrace the day in whatever ways we can. Today I am grateful for the nice weather and the fun swim I had with my baby boy. He was all smiles in the pool today, and the swim instructor even said that his smile is so adorable, it’s contagious!

I’m actually looking forward to the sounds of lawnmowers and fresh cut grass. And hours frolicking in the park or on the beach. Yay for spring time fun!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

In shock

I just found out that someone I went to high school with died on Sunday. There is no real news yet as to what happened, although apparently he had a seizure…Not sure of the cause. This kind of news totally freaks me out. It’s sad for obvious reasons…Then there’s the fact that I knew him, he was good friends with my first boyfriend so we hung out sometimes…And being the exact same age – if it was a natural causes thing that makes me feel so uneasy. I hate the uncertainty we have regarding how much time each one of us gets to be here for.

It’s shocking news. Good old Facebook…but at least someone had the decency to send me a private message to let me know so I didn’t find out just by perusing people’s status updates.

Wow. Yeah, so that’s kind of on my mind.

It’s so hard to think about death, even though it happens around us every single day. Right now my uncle’s mom is on her way out, and that’s obviously sad but at least she’s in her 80s and it’s basically ‘her time’ because she’s so sick and suffering badly from dementia, broke her hip, barely wakes up, doesn’t know where she is, etc etc. At that point it almost becomes a question as to why the person lasted as long as they did. Then there are those who are taken prematurely. Why can’t we all just have a happy medium? I guess there is no good time though, how could there be?

I’ve always had a hard time with death, but having Andrew in my life makes me want to preserve my life so much more. I HAVE to be here to see Andrew grow up and know him and have him know me for years and years and years, so many years that even though I never want to leave him, I’ll at least have had decades upon decades to have been on earth with him (and of course James too!)

Yikes. I have to think about other things or I’ll go crazy dwelling on death and how fragile life is. I can’t stand it!!

It’s another reminder to live your life each day like it’s your last, to the very best of your ability. Because you just never know. Best not to waste the time we do have, right?

I didn’t know B after high school, we certainly were never close, but I hope he at least got to do some of the things he had hoped to do in his life and enjoyed what he could.

R.I.P. B.M.

In search of new dinner recipes

Andrew is napping. I got the fridge cleaned out, the dishwasher going, and a recipe written into my little recipe book. I found a recipe online for Artichoke Soup, which I’m going to give a try tonight. It’s artichoke-y, and garlicky, and I think Andrew will like it (and hopefully James and I will, too!)

I really need new recipes, and ones that are super easy and fast to prepare and don’t require a lot of expensive ingredients. And, of course, completely vegetarian. Any ideas? I’ve been looking online and have found a few things but I’m always a little wary of online recipes. I’ve tried some and they turned out terrible. Maybe it was just my cooking but I don’t think so.

I wish I enjoyed cooking more. I sort of enjoy it. I don’t hate it, let’s put it that way. I just don’t have a lot of patience for it. I have tried cutting corners and I know from experience that that’s NEVER a good idea! But even when I go exactly by what a recipe says, I just don’t enjoy the end result as often as I’d like.

I enjoy baking more than cooking. Too bad it wouldn’t be healthy to eat brownies for dinner =P

I want to have a list of things that I can make really well that are healthy meals, ones we won’t get sick of too quickly. Things Andrew will eat and get as many nutrients from as possible.

He really is starting to eat more, still grazes like a bird through the day but he probably gets that from me since that’s my usual pattern. He never eats a whole lot at a time. But this morning was ridiculous! He had some of James’ bagel with cheese, a container of peach yogurt, and then I realized how starving I was because I hadn’t eaten anything yet. So I got a bowl of this healthy cereal I got, I can’t think of the name but it’s organic granola stuff with sunflower seeds, sweetened with agave, it’s really actually very tasty and yet also healthy. Well if Andrew didn’t dig into that as well, he ate quite a lot of it! I was left still feeling hungry because he ate half my breakfast, on top of everything else he’d already had!

Anyway, blah blah blah. I thought I wanted to write but instead, I think I’ll go read a bit while the boy sleeps.

I love my boy

I prefer a happy post to be at the top of my blog page. So before I sign off for the night, I will say this:

I am so grateful for my son. Andrew is the light of my life. I love to hold him when he sleeps and stroke his hair and his cheek and give him kisses and tell him how special he is to me. I tell him how much he is loved, how perfect he is, how he will always ALWAYS be loved. I tell him he’s my bestest boy. He is my bestest boy. He is such a special part of my life, the MOST special part.
He is hugging and kissing up a storm these days, he’ll just run up to me and throw his arms around me and holds on tight. He’ll give me a kiss on the cheek in the morning to let me know he’s awake and it’s time for me to open my eyes and get the day started. The past few days he even makes a noise with his lips, a kissing noise, it’s the cutest thing ever.

We got together with my aunt and uncle on Sunday and at one point Andrew reached out and hugged me and my uncle said, it’s moments like that right there that make all the sleeplessness and everything else worth it. And it’s so true! It melts my heart when he shows affection like that. It’s so adorable and wonderful and I know it won’t last forever but I am cherishing every bit of it right now!

Monday, April 12, 2010

This isn't anything new...

As the m-i-l saga continues, I decided to look back just a little to find some information about a particular event from the past. Not because I want to think about it or drudge up all that bs but because James and I talked a bit about it tonight and even though I knew my memory was 100% accurate, I thought I may as well double check.

Thank goodness for the written word. Regular journaling about all the little goings on does pay off!

This isn’t the tidbit of information I was looking for, but I thought I would include it here in this post (with a few sentences omitted since they would need explaining unless you were there), as it really stuck out to me:

… It scares and worries me because think of it this way: what if we had a baby together? … I am really not sure how we would be accepted, would we finally be a family and I would gain validation through being your baby’s mother, or would I still be the same ol’ Liz who feels like she tries but just gets slapped in the face?

I’m guessing we all know the answer to that question!

Wow. And that was in a note I wrote to James back in 2004. Not the first convo about you-know-who, and certainly not the last.

I really do have to remove myself, but there are complicating factors that make it so difficult. I am feeling VERY sad, but mostly angry, resentful, and extremely sick and tired with her. With her inability to ever take accountability for herself. With her selfishness that she always tries to cover up by using the ‘victim’ card. She is the victimizer for chrissakes. Even a blind person could see that.

Mad, mad, mad. And I hate being mad, which makes me madder, because I shouldn’t have to be feeling so goddam MAD!!!!!

That woman just drives me mental.

BUT I KNOW I have to remove myself. I have to step back. If she wants to be a raging lunatic, I don’t have to follow suit. She is the one who is missing out, and I have to keep reminding myself of that. IT’S HER PROBLEM. I just wish she’d stop making it ours.

It’s complicated. But also ridiculously unfair and hurtful and I am VERY tired of feeling like I have to take so much abuse from her. I don’t deserve it and I know that.


Saturday adventures

On Saturday, James and I took Andrew to the playground at Second Beach. We went along a trail by Lost Lagoon to get there, a bit of a different route from our usual. It was so pretty, and although it was still a bit on the cool side, the sunshine was beautiful.

I love Lost Lagoon. If you’re ever there, you’re pretty well guaranteed to see lots of wildlife. Of course ducks and swans and often seagulls and herons. But also raccoons, and on this particular outing we even saw turtles!

There was a raccoon just chilling out on a rock in the water, it was quite funny watching him just hang out there.

Andrew did a fair bit of walking along the trail, and was desperate to get closer to the ducks!

Of course as soon as we got to the play area at the beach, Andrew went straight for the swings! They should just have rows and rows of swings because it seems to be that all the little kids want to be on them constantly.

I took a few pictures of Andrew on the swing, then I went and found a picnic table and sat and read while James watched Andrew at the playground.
It was nice to have a bit of time to just relax and do my own thing, but when they were headed for the beach I decided to join them.

Andrew HATES to have dirty hands. It’s ridiculous, I’ve never known a child who gets that upset about getting dirty! When James took him onto the beach before, he just cried and fussed because he hated how the sand felt on his hands. But this time I brought him a little bucket and shovel set that I got him at IKEA recently. At first he was wary of the sand but when he realized he could play with it and fill the bucket up (or try to anyway), he was happy about it. I could tell he still wasn’t entirely pleased about the dirtiness of it, but he had a lot of fun! We helped him make his very first Sand Castle =)

Almost as soon as we left there to walk home, Andrew fell asleep. He must have been exhausted after all that fresh air and running around! It was nice to have a relaxing walk home and some time to ourselves. Before Andrew woke up, we managed to put up this new decal art thing in the living room over the couch that I got to replace the picture we had there. Andrew was constantly getting up on the couch and reefing on the picture and it was falling all over the place (not safe) so it was time to remove it and be done with that aggro. Having decal art there was a perfect solution! I don’t have a picture of it yet but I’ll post one eventually!
That was our Saturday. It was a perfect day for a family adventure =)

Last week and random thoughts

I really should be getting to bed. My eyes are starting to burn, I’m so tired. But my mind is still so awake.

I haven’t had any time to write lately. My mom was over around the Easter long weekend, then we went back to the island with her for a couple of days. It was cute, when we got to their house my dad (and I know my mom was in on it too) had set up a little ‘Easter egg hunt’ for Andrew. Because he’s too little for chocolate being hidden around (he eats chocolate, but it wouldn’t be good for him to be putting them in his mouth in the foil wrappers!), they had bought little egg shaped bells (I think they could be decorations for an ‘Easter tree’). So Andrew went around and hidden behind bigger Easter ornaments, he found his own little toys! And of course there was plenty of chocolate to be had. Andrew is already a huge fan of the stuff.

He also got a sandbox for my parents’ yard, and my grandma got him a Canucks jersey and cap! lol Spoiled much?!

While in Nanaimo I FINALLY found a rain jacket (for spring) that I love and so far it keeps me warm but doesn’t stifle me the way my other rain jacket does (it doesn’t breathe AT ALL and it drives me crazy!) The only problem with the new one is no hood…which is an issue for me because I can’t use an umbrella when I’m pushing the stroller. But that’s ok, I can always wear my stifling jacket on super rainy occasions ;P

I also had to get a new bathing suit. Why are bathing suits so RIDICULOUSLY expensive? And why are so many suits made for teensy tiny breasted women? Are they really the majority? I don’t believe it. Anyway, I had to get a new suit, my other one (which I love and am sad to see go) is getting really, let’s say FRAIL in some parts (disintegrating due to the high chlorine content in the kiddie pool we frequent) and I’ve been worrying that one of these days during Andrew’s swim lessons the seams would come apart once and for all! That would pretty much be a nightmare, so $78 later I have a new suit!

Gawd, why does everything have to cost so freaking much? There are so many hidden costs in life, seriously. Just when you think you’ve got everything under control, there’s something that comes up. It’d be so grand if we had savings but alas…Oh well, I shouldn’t complain, I mean it’s not like I don’t get to spoil my baby and we have food and shelter and all the essentials and then some. I guess I just worry sometimes because losing my wage is a drag, but going to work and putting Andrew in daycare and not getting to spend the days with him would be a way bigger drag, so we’ll make do however we can!

I was thinking about this and losing my wage aside, because that’s a personal choice we’ve made for the time being, having a baby, while undeniably expensive, makes you save money in other areas. We’re really terrible about making a budget and firmly sticking to it so we actually have a real sense of where our money is going on a regular basis…But it’d be interesting to see the difference/similarity of the spending over all with and without a baby in the mix. The way I see it, yes we have to buy diapers and food and clothes and toys and STUFF for Andrew…but we rarely eat out anymore or go out to places that would cost us much money, whereas before he was born we definitely ate out quite a bit. I just wonder how much of a difference there really is. If I was still making the wage I had, I don’t think we’d notice much difference financially. Mind you, Andrew doesn’t eat a whole lot of food just yet – once he’s eating a ton we’ll notice it more, and when he’s in school there will be the field trips and school supplies…not to mention he’ll probably want the latest technologies and blah blah blah…But we’ll cross those bridges when we get to them! (And by then I hope to have some income of my own rolling in). Ahh, so much to think about it. We won’t even mention child #2. (Don’t worry, he or she is not yet conceived and still won’t be for some time) ;D

Andrew and I came back to Vancouver on the last (9pm) ferry on Friday night. I think it was the first time we went on the last ferry, since later at night isn’t generally the best time to travel with a baby. It had it’s pros and it’s cons. The ferry was really quiet and I enjoyed the less chaotic atmosphere compared to daytime or early evening travelling. Also, the boy was quite tired so he didn’t want to run around and wreak havoc like he normally does on the ferry. However, that was also a con in that he still didn’t want to just sit or lay in one place, so it meant me walking around and around and around the ship with him in my arms! At one point I told him Momma’s back was going to break soon and he just sort of made this noise like too bad, I wanna keep moving. I swear I am getting pretty strong though – I managed to carry him for over an hour at least without stopping for more than a minute or two!

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll get the chance to write about our weekend adventures, including a picture post of our outing to 2nd Beach! But right not I’d better get some sleep while the boy allows it…

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Every day I love him more

Lately Andrew has really taken to giving hugs and kisses. Mostly when asked (he is very quick to oblige though!) but sometimes he’ll even just walk over and give them of his own accord. He was laying across my lap the other night, I thought he was going to sleep. Then all of a sudden he sat upright, gave me a kiss on the lips and just grinned at me. And last night he was playing with my dad (we came over to the island for a couple of days) and he decided all of a sudden to give him a hug and a kiss!

How cute is that?! It’s so sweet, it just melts my heart. I LOVE his hugs and kisses more than anything else in the world!

One of Andrew’s favourite things lately is splashing in the bath. He splashes so much that water is splashed as far as the bathroom sink, which is on the opposite side of the room! Needless to say the floor is always soaked. But there’s no stopping him, it’s as if he’s in a trance sometimes when he’s doing it!

Yesterday he started saying, ‘Hi!’ when waving. It’s the cutest sounding ‘Hi’ that I’ve ever heard!

Yesterday morning I got up before Andrew to get our stuff ready for going to swim lessons. He had been cuddled up fairly close to me in the bed (although he didn’t make his way in there till after 6am – he’s been doing REALLY well with being in his crib most of the night) so I bunched up my duvet and put it where I’d been laying. I was barely out the bedroom door and already he was cuddled up to the blanket, thinking it was me. He is so freaking adorable.

At swim lessons people were commenting on how happy Andrew always seems to be. He was grinning at our instructor constantly, and loved slam dunking balls into the little basketball hoop in the pool. He absolutely loves being in the water.

He loves most things, and it’s true, he is usually really happy. He has his moments for sure and does his ‘red-faced cry’ when he’s really over-tired. But for the most part he’s as sweet as can be, a happy-go-lucky type. I love how inquisitive he is, he’s interested in everything and you can really tell he’s constantly thinking and learning.

I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m being too braggy, although it’s a mother’s right (especially on her own blog) to talk about all the wonderful things her child does, right?!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

An outlaw inlaw for sure

So my m-i-l seems to have reverted back to 6 or so months ago of not speaking to me. At all. Ignoring me might be a better way of putting it.

From the day after Andrew was born till the end of last October, she gave me the silent treatment (and it was completely unwarranted). Then she decided SURPRISE, I’M FLYING OUT THERE TO SEE MY GRANDSON so she had no choice but to start some dialogue. Although she never did apologize for what she did to us, she just swept it all under the rug like she always does and flew here from the other side of the country.

Which was fine, insofar as we got along much better and I felt she was actually making an effort not to let her (predictably) unpredictable emotional outbursts get in the way of our time together.

We had at the very least established, when she said she was flying out so suddenly after having ignored me (and her grandson, might I add) for nearly a year, that we would start with baby steps. We would have to slowly build up a relationship because we still had a long history behind us of hurt and issues in general.

I thought that despite how unbelievably rude it was of her to give me and Andrew the silent treatment for almost the first year of his life, after being quite horrible to us right before/during/after Andrew’s birth, I was being quite good about accepting her back here ‘so soon.’ I say ‘so soon’ because you’d think nearly a year would seem a long time to get over things, but it’s not when one person is refusing to talk things through and, most importantly, own up to her actions.

But anyway…she was here for a visit last November, we got along really well, she was good about giving me space when I needed it yet still spent loads of time with Andrew. All went well, really. She flew home after a week being here (although she’d told us beforehand she’d only be seeing us for a weekend, and then surprise, it was a week, but whatevs…) So that was that. She went home and we started fairly regular Skype visits, once every week to two weeks just about. So she could keep up with seeing Andrew growing in leaps and bounds and doing new tricks, all good stuff, right?

But that didn’t mean that we were suddenly the best of friends. As far as I’m concerned, it makes sense that we would continue on with ‘baby steps’ for some time.

But oh no, she had to stir the pot. Obviously things were getting too boring, and with her other son not speaking with her at all lately, she must have been missing the dramatics. Because all of a sudden (and right after James told her his boss had died suddenly, how’s that for timing. Mind you, she’s always had superb timing, come to think of it…) she decides it would be just wonderful for us to go away for a week together to a cabin on some island nearby as a getaway. James can’t take the time off work so he’d have to meet us there on the weekend. So it would be me, Andrew, the m-i-l and her husband. Oh and have I ever mentioned that whenever we’ve got together with both the m-i-l AND her husband together, they bicker quite constantly? Yeah, it’s really fun, on so many levels.

She didn’t book anything though. She at least had the decency to mention to James in a phone call that she wanted to know how much time I was comfortable with and get back to her so she could make arrangements.

I came back with ‘2 nights away’ being my maximum, and with James there (so, basically, a weekend getaway only). Not saying we wouldn’t spend time together the rest of the week, but that it would be fun to do things around the lower mainland. For example, if we rented a car (which she would have), we could take Andrew to the zoo, go to the Burnaby Village Museum, Queen Elizabeth Park, and other such day trips in and around the city. Places he has yet to explore that we would love to take him to.

But oh no. This would not do. I don’t even know, now, why she even bothered to ‘have the decency’ to ask me what I was comfortable with. Because obviously unless I gave her exactly what she wanted, she would throw it all right back into my face.

Which is exactly what she did.

Suddenly it became about how if she was here she’d be stuck in some hotel room (which apparently she can’t afford even though I KNOW she can – but she was making a point to mention how in Indian and other cultures it doesn’t matter how small your space is, family stays with you…Well she’s NOT staying with us…Our place is tiny but even if we had a mansion, at this point staying with us isn’t baby steps…and she has stayed with us far too many times in the past, thank you very much, so she can’t say we’ve never been hospitable). And that she’d just be sitting there waiting for us to call her but we wouldn’t and it would just be a waste of her time to be here.

Not sure where she got that idea, any time she’s been here before we’ve spent time with her constantly. Other than when we were waiting for Andrew to be born and she blew a gasket and stressed us to the max when we were already past our due date and blah blah blah I’m not even going to go there but we had a very good reason to not be spending time with her then!

She suddenly made it about how James doesn’t even really love her. What?!! He has put up with far too much sh*t from her, truth be told. Above and beyond the call of duty, if you ask me. She should be thanking her lucky stars she has him in her life, and oh yeah at the same time why not be grateful that he has a wife (me!) who he loves, who loves him, who has been in the picture for nearly 12 years…AND birthed the beautiful grandbaby she apparently adores so much, yet keeps ignoring by running away (the day after he was born) or cancelling trips (where we’re at now)…

I am flabbergasted that she is continuing this behaviour after all her chances to make things better, to make things right. To develop enough of a relationship with me (being ok with me drawing some healthy boundaries, which I am completely justified in doing) that she can then maximize her time with Andrew. I am her main ‘in’ into Andrew’s life. James can talk to her about what he’s up to, but I actually spend nearly every second of every day with him. Also, I am much more apt to get pictures printed and send cards and things ‘from Andrew’ than James is (he’s never done it – I do it semi-regularly for a select few family members). She’d have got an adorable mug with Andrew’s picture on it for Easter if she wasn’t ignoring me. But she got nothing because that’s all she deserves.

It makes me sad, and also angry. James and I both sent her emails regarding our thoughts and feelings on her issues with our boundaries and her ‘big plans’ for her trip out here, which she promptly cancelled completely like a 2 year old throwing a ridiculous tantrum because she wasn’t getting her way. (Did I mention that after telling her we were only comfortable with 2 nights away, she came up with a ‘brilliant’ new plan that we’d go on a week long car trip to Las Vegas together?! Yes, she is insane, but I’m sure by this point that must go without saying?!)

My email was sent almost a week, if not a full week, before James sent his. I have yet to receive any reply whatsoever to my message. James, however, 2 days after sending his got a one-liner saying she was sick and would reply ‘when she was feeling better.’ Interesting, since when I think about it, after Andrew’s birth she also played the ‘sick’ card to buy herself more time before having to reply (again, to James, never to me).

It makes me livid that she responded to his message (albeit a cop-out reply, but at least letting him know she got his message and would eventually respond) and I got a big fat nothing. I know she knows it’s hurtful and as far as I’m concerned, she’s doing it on purpose.

She makes it really difficult to like her. It’s sad because I wish so much that we could get along, there’s no reason not to, other than her completely insane behaviour always having to get in the way. She loves mind games and dramatics and being over-emotional, confrontation – all things I am not a big fan of myself.

I don’t care so much whether she likes me or not, but treating me this way and throwing hissy fits that end up making it so Andrew misses out on seeing his Nana and vice versa is what bothers me. He is innocent in all of this. Do I wish his Nana could be a completely different person? Yeah, pretty much. But she actually could be really good with him if she could put herself aside for five minutes and have things be about someone else (Andrew) and not always about her. She is so freaking selfish, it’s unbelievable, and ultimately it’s herself she is hurting because she’s missing out on some really important times (Andrew is only going to be a baby for so long).

It worries me because not long from now Andrew will know when Nana is going to be visiting and he’ll be all excited. And when she gets moody and flips out and doesn’t show, we’ll have to somehow break it to him that seeing him wasn’t enough for her to shut her trap and just take what she could get.

Anyway. I will leave it at that. What more can I say, right? I’m just sick and tired of her antics. I will say that I’m really not nearly as affected by all of this as I was back when she did this to me after Andy was first born. Nothing could ever be as hurtful as what she did to us then, so in a lot of ways I’m letting this just roll off me. But I can’t help but be totally annoyed with her. She just has that affect on me. I guess it’s all her years of practice…

Monday, April 05, 2010

Self image issues

I feel like I’ve been in such a rut lately. And I’m talking style-wise mostly. I try to dress half decent but I don’t think my clothes reflect how I actually feel or want to look. I’ll see a picture of myself and think, omg, I don’t really look like that, do I?!

I want to dress nicely (read: stylishly) but sometimes I feel like it’s not practical. I looked up online how to not become a ‘frumpy mom’ but the answers were ridiculous (obviously not written by people who have ever had a toddler in their lives).
For example, suggestions like wearing fun jewellery. Um, hello – if I wear earrings at all, I have to take them out as soon as I get home from being out. If I don’t, I’m at risk of having my ears ripped by a certain someone, my earrings torn out and put in his mouth, or just taken out and lost somewhere. I have a bracelet I wear from time to time but he almost broke that, and I had a necklace that I’d worn ONCE before it was pulled apart, beads spilling everywhere. Obviously ‘wearing costume jewellery’ is not the answer I need to hear.

I don’t really know what to do with myself. Getting bangs helped give my hair a bit of a new style ‘boost,’ but the rest of my hair is at a really awkward growing-out stage (because I want to grow it longer again). It’s not at all how I want it, but it will probably be another 6 months (let’s face it, more like a year) before it resembles even remotely what I want it to – because it always seems that when I actually WANT it to grow, it does so at a snail’s pace.
I am also a little self-conscious about my body these days. Weight-wise, I guess. I really don’t weigh much more than I did pre-pregnancy, but my body feels so different. It actually isn’t THAT different – I thought it would be a lot more different after having a baby. But still…All this breast feeding has left my boobs feeling huge and saggy, and there is no chance in hell they’re ever going to perk up again, because to be perfectly honest they haven’t been perky since I-can’t-remember-when! I see pictures of myself and beyond just thinking, omg, I don’t really look like that, do I?!, I also see my breasts and think, omg, when did they get so gigantic?! Actually, I can tell you exactly when it happened (several months into my pregnancy is when it all began, and of course once the milk came in it was all downhill from there, literally!! HA) but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it.

My body has always been really well proportioned. I’ve never been the skinniest gal on the block, but I’ve never had, like, one or two areas that just looked like they didn’t belong. I’ve always looked thinner than what my weight would actually show me as. But lately…I don’t know anymore. I think back and truthfully I’ve NEVER felt comfortable in my body. Which is a real shame because I see pictures of myself growing up and being a teenager and I had a fantastic body! I don’t know what I was so worried about.

And I know that I probably shouldn’t be now either. I’m really healthy, and that’s supposed to be the main thing, right? But feeling good about one’s self is kind of crucial, if you ask me.

And I don’t think I’m FAR from feeling good about myself. I just think maybe if I lost, say, 20 pounds, I’d feel SO MUCH BETTER. I think I could possibly even feel fantastic.

But what’s it going to take to lose the weight?

I can’t use a gym because I’d have to get a babysitter every time I wanted to go, and that’s not in the cards for me – not on a regular basis at least. Andrew can be my exercise though, just lifting him up in the air – there’s a good 25-26lbs, or whatever he is now! And I can take him out for longer walks (we already walk everywhere when we do go out, and I do walk briskly, but I could do this more often I suppose).

I definitely HAVE to cut out excess sugar (umm, after I eat the Easter chocolate, right?!)

Eating properly and not snacking as often as I tend to would probably make the biggest difference of all. I don’t eat a lot at a time but I like to graze and I LOVE sweets – they are my downfall for sure.


I don’t know…I just feel like I need to do this for me. There has been no pressure from James or anyone else. James always seems surprised when I talk about these issues, since usually I don’t talk about it much. I try not to focus on it too often, but it’s there, you know? And I feel like it’s now or never. There’s no time like the present, right?
I don’t know what it all means or if anything will come of it but I needed to vent about it. I don’t want to be a frumpy mom, I know that much. I used to have great/interesting/unique fashion sense and that doesn’t have to be completely lost. I just need to find myself again. I’m so focused on being Mom and practical has to factor into that, but it doesn’t have to mean I can’t also feel good about myself.

Maybe I should bring the ol’ food blog back – recording every morsel might make me think twice before snacking 24/7!
PS The ice cream cake we got for Easter was DELICIOUS and I am not going to feel guilty having another slice of it tonight!!

OK, I’ve got my work cut out for me =P

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Happy Easter!

It’s afternoon, Easter Sunday. We have yet to get dressed and ready for an outing, despite that it’s a nice sunny day out there. Andy is snoozing so we’ll wait till he’s up, have a bite of lunch and head out for a little bit of an adventure.

Yesterday my mom babysat Andrew for us and James and I got to go out on our own. We were out for quite a while, nearly 5 hours! We took the seabus over to the Lonsdale Quay, checked out the market and ate beavertails. (No animals were harmed in the making of them) =) They were DELICIOUS. We headed up Lonsdale a bit, checked out a few blocks though there wasn’t really much to see…then went to a place called Burgoo for lunch. We shared 2 different types of fondue (yum!) and a pitcher of Sangria (it was mostly ice, but very tasty!)

We came back to Vancouver and went to the mall to go to RW&Co. James had a gift certificate from Christmas and I told him it was time to update his wardrobe, since he almost never gets new clothes and to be honest I was getting tired of the same stuff all the time. He ended up getting 3 shirts and 3 pairs of pants. I swear he could be a model for that store, he looks good in everything he tries on. I wish it were so easy for me to find clothes that fit and look/feel OK, I am so jealous of how much easier it seems to be for guys.

It was SO nice to get out on our own. I can’t tell you how badly I needed to get out sans child for a bit. Although everywhere we went there were babies galore, and every time I saw a baby I missed mine!!

We’re doing pretty well with our ‘sleep training’ – its only been 2 nights but we’re getting there. We’re putting Andrew in the crib after nursies but if he wakes up, he still has to stay in the crib. He cries, and I give him some hugs (without picking him up) and console him and kiss him. I tell him he has to be a big boy and sleep in his crib but if he sleeps through till 6am he can sleep the rest of the night with us. I console him for a chunk of time, then leave the room. He wails and freaks out but honestly, we’ve been so surprised because after 10 minutes MAXIMUM he is out like a light, so it’s not like he’s sobbing for a super long time and getting sick over it or anything. He tends to wake up again between 1-2am but I just let him cry and keep ‘snoozing’ the monitor and this probably goes on for 15 mins to half an hour and then he’s out again. The first morning he woke up at 5:40 and I went and got him at 5:45 and let him sleep with us, and this morning it was 5:42, so I am guessing this is a bit of a pattern that’s going to form (or at least hoping, because it’s fairly close to 6am, which is the time I told him – lol!) He gets in bed with us, nurses, and sleeps till 7:30-8:30 usually…

So we’ll continue on with this. I sleep SO MUCH BETTER without him wedged between us so if we can get him happy with sleeping in his crib most of the time, I will actually start getting proper rest (I think, I HOPE!)

Tonight we’re going to make Tacos for Easter dinner (now there’s a first for us!! We’re not really doing anything traditional this year, which is fine by me) and POSSIBLY get a DQ ice cream cake for dessert…Mmmmm =)

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