Thursday, October 29, 2009

Airing dirty laundry

I started writing a journal on my computer in 1999, although only in the past 4-5 years has it become more regular. I was going back through some archives this morning, trying to find tidbits on a certain someone so I could give them concrete examples of their behaviour since they seem to need a reminder of their shenanigans over the years.

I skimmed the entries and didn’t look back at everything since obviously I don’t have the time to be doing that at the moment. But what I did look at – some I found interesting and I AM glad that I kept a record of thoughts/feelings/random things that were going through my mind. But there is also a lot of angst – me being an early twenty something trying to figure out the age old question of WHO AM I. It’s actually kind of depressing looking back on that! I still don’t have many answers and I still don’t know entirely ‘who I am’ but for some reason it doesn’t matter quite as much to me right now. I definitely don’t feel nearly as sad about not having all of life figured out! In some ways I think it’s because right now, with a baby, I am forced to think more in the present and while trying to have some plans for the future, I’m very much just living day to day.

I came across a number of journals about the m-i-l, which we may as well all know (if we didn’t already) is the person who has acted up and acted out time and time again to the point that it is a smashed broken record all over the floor. Very messy and a sad, sad state of affairs. A mess that I would love to sweep up and throw into the trash, truthfully – and at this point who could blame me. Anyone who WOULD blame me has no idea what I’ve put up with all these years. But tossing it away seemingly, at this point, is not an option, so here we go again, heads spinning, trying to figure out a way to clearly outline the who what when where why and how so we might actually move away from all the crap.

I just don’t see how we ever CAN move away from it. Too much has happened, too much has been said. Too little has been done to make improvements, to show care. I have too often been shunned, told I am a manipulator, that I am controlling and don’t allow James to have a voice. Which I always figured must be a piss off to James – because it’s like his mother is telling him that he’s just this door mat and doesn’t think for himself. Obviously not true at all.

I am very real and very much myself on this blog, always have been. I am not a theatrical person and couldn’t lie to save my life. It’s just not who I am. So you tell me – am I a manipulator, a control-freak, a person who would refuse to allow my boyfriend/partner/husband/father of my child to have anything to do with his family??

More like I WISH I WAS TREATED AS FAMILY. I wish instead of it being ‘JAMES’ family’ it should be OUR family. James and I have been a couple since December of 1998 – that’s nearly 11 years. We’ve been married for 2 ½ years. We have now even started a family of our own with our perfect little baby boy. How much more do we have to do to prove that we are in love with each other, that we are always going to be together – our whole lives through. THAT I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I wonder why it’s so hard for a person to take accountability for herself.

She still goes on about last Christmas!

About HER feelings and how we apparently hurt HER!
Without acknowledging the way she freaked out like a toddler would at the grocery store check out wanting a chocolate bar. Only a million times worse than that. She won’t accept responsibility for herself, instead it’s woe is her. SHE was hurt, WE should have apologized. Meanwhile, I was squeezing a baby out of my…yeah, you catch my drift. You can understand why I’m not particularly keen on the idea of apologizing to her when I was giving birth to her grandchild. HELLO! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABOUT YOU YOU YOU?
I can’t stand people who honestly seem to believe that the world revolves around them. How selfish can you be? There is nothing on this planet that James and I could do to top having a baby, and as far as I am concerned if that wasn’t enough for her to set her feelings aside even for 5 minutes, there is literally NO HOPE. How could there be??

It’s so hurtful when I think about James’ place in all of this. I was sad enough myself with his mothers’ actions and how she treated us, but imagine how it must have felt for him. His son was just born – he was elated and called his mom to tell her to get to the hospital right away to see our little baby boy…And she was off drinking with strangers and didn’t show up till visiting hours were over. And left the next day – across the country - after a fight with him because he apparently didn’t call her soon enough, despite that she was the very first person he called when we got home from the hospital. How were we supposed to know we’d be discharged less than 24 hrs after arriving there?! A moot point anyway, since he DID try to reach her but if you don’t answer your phone, how is anyone expected to get a hold of you??

And again – it shouldn’t have been a time about being yelled at and told we’re not treating YOU the right way. Shouldn’t it have been about US, about our new baby, our new life? After all the waiting for Andrew to arrive (8 days late), after the intense labour for me and that whole experience of bringing him into the world – and we weren’t even congratulated by James’ mother. Instead, we were stressed out by her because we were being blamed for things we didn’t even do. How sad is that?

I am so tired of this pattern of the he said/she said crap and being told I am something I am not. If after 11 years you don’t know who I am, you never will.

There is a definite pattern here of blaming us for things. Rather than being happy for us, for congratulating us on the birth of our baby, for thinking it a wonderful and beautiful thing that we love each other so much and found each other so early in life – we get shot down at every turn. I am sick of it. Life is too short. I want to enjoy it. I want to be able to be me without being attacked for it, especially given the fact that I am NOT a bad person. I avoid conflict, I try to make people happy. I tend to put others before myself. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, neither does James, and Andrew most definitely does not. I am sick of wasting time on it.

I honestly don’t know where we go from here. I want to believe she can change, but if anything she’s only gotten progressively worse over time so far, with Christmas/New Years being the straw the broke the camel’s back. Recovery is going to be slow and painful.

I hate to say it, but usually in those situations – don’t they just shoot the animal and put them out of their misery? In other words, is there really hope for reconciliation here? Seems more like a long, dragged out lost cause. It’s sad it is that way, but it’s not our fault. We’ve made ever effort and then some – more than she deserves – to try to make things better. She just won’t fess up to anything and for every step forward we think we’re about to take, she throws us back about ten yards.

What more can I say that hasn’t been already? Talk is cheap. I want to see actual effort, actual care, actual change.


Chandra said...

Ok THANK YOU. I am not the only one wondering why my "inlaw" hasn't just taken me out back and shot me yet. I worry too about the same things James and you are going through are the same for mgm and I when it comes to the inlaw. Just out of curiosity what do your parents say? Or do you keep them out of things?


They aren't fond of her either. Mostly because they've seen how much she's hurt me time and time again and they're very protective of me. But also in meeting her themselves...she seems to burn bridges everywhere she goes. She is also an actress, which I think makes things kind of worse...because she's very dramatic/theatrical by nature and my family is the opposite. Also you never reeeally know when she's being genuine and when she's 'acting.' That's my personal opinion, anyway. But yeah my parents are very supportive of me and think I deserve far better from her. I just doubt I will ever get anything better from her, given the way things are now :S

I don't know what advice I can offer with your inlaw given I don't know how to fix my own situation...other than to try to distance yourselves early on, if that's possible! It's hard if MGM isn't on the same wavelength as you in terms of cutting the person out or at least to an extent. But people like this just seem to be toxic and transparent and are only happy when everything is one sided in their favour. It makes me SO MAD that they get away with their behaviour time and time again! I guess we have to learn to compartmentalize them and their issues and do our best not to let them affect us, since ultimately they aren't worth it.

PS totally unrelated but how's your new place??? Pictures please! :)