Saturday, October 31, 2009

On a lighter note...


Andrew is 10 months old today! His first Halloween. His costume to be revealed shortly =)

He is the cutest thing ever and each and every day he gets even CUTER and my heart melts a little more. He is soooo freaking delightful it’s spooktacular!

OK that was a tad corny but it had to be done =P

He is changing so much, and is becoming more and more fun all the time. He took 4 steps tonight and did it again, running happily toward his Dada. He is going to be full-fledged walking in no time.

My little baby boy is growing up!

He is really interested in his books now. We have certain ones that I read to him every day and as soon as I open to the first page he looks me in the eye and grins till his face is all scrunched up. I read his books over and over, he seems to enjoy the repetition.

He will even sometimes flip the pages on his own.

He dances up a storm, too. He loves to press the buttons on his toy house to play music, then he bounces around and does a sort of twist motion while clasping his hands together.

Cutest. Thing. Ever.

He fascinates me. He learns things so quickly.

He loves to attempt to ‘share’ things lately. He will be playing with a ball and I’ll say, ‘Give the ball to Momma, Andrew’ and he’ll bring the ball to me and put it in my hands. Then he grins because he always gets praised for doing what he’s asked! He will play fetch and he will play catch and he loves to mimic. He clicks his tongue a lot and loves it when we do it too. If I put something on my head, like one of his plastic toys, then hand it to him, he then tries to put it back on my head. He’ll do this for ages and think it’s the most fun thing ever.

He’s so clever and so happy and I love my boy more every second!

Nice, that's really nice, thanks.

Not my pumpkin but I thought given it's Halloween and there's an 'L' on the forehead - it's appropriate!


Isn’t it just wonderful when you spend all this time and effort pouring your heart out to try to make things better with someone, only for them to slap you so hard in the face that you don’t know what hit you but you know it hurt?

That’s where I’m at right now. And not even with the m-i-l! OMG this just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?

This is the b-i-l. Cut from the same cloth as the m-i-l. Both s-o-b’s!

LOL

If you can’t find humour in things, well…

I’m currently speechless on the topic, wowed by the lack of response. It wasn’t much of a response yet it said so much, if you know what I mean.

I often wonder: how is it that these people were part of James’ immediate family growing up? His own mother. And brother. How could he even be related to these people? He is so kind, caring, considerate, loving, giving, compassionate, level-headed, wonderful. And they are so, well,

not.

Oh well. I guess you can’t win ‘em all.

I just find it so incredibly sad when people need drama in their lives so badly that they shut out the very people who would be willing to love and be kind to them if only they made it even partially easy to do so.

The very saddest thing in all of this is Andrew’s place – how it ultimately is going to affect him. If these people who SHOULD be a strong and positive presence in his life shut me out, what can he possibly get from them? I realize that in time he will be able to make the choice for himself as to who he sees and what he does and when. But currently, and for his younger years, he’s going to have me around him. I’m his mother for chrissakes! Which makes me wonder if they even really care that much about him. When it comes right down to it, even when it comes to him, they still always turn everything around to be about them. Their needs, their issues, their woes.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THE BOTH OF THEM. I know in my heartest of hearts that I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY. I am sooo tired of putting up with it and time and time again being shot down.

The way I feel right now, I just want to say I’M DONE. Have a nice life, you two. How sad it is all that you are going to miss out on, but that’s your choice.

At least I know I did what I could to try to make things right. It’s no longer up to me to fix this.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Airing dirty laundry


I started writing a journal on my computer in 1999, although only in the past 4-5 years has it become more regular. I was going back through some archives this morning, trying to find tidbits on a certain someone so I could give them concrete examples of their behaviour since they seem to need a reminder of their shenanigans over the years.

I skimmed the entries and didn’t look back at everything since obviously I don’t have the time to be doing that at the moment. But what I did look at – some I found interesting and I AM glad that I kept a record of thoughts/feelings/random things that were going through my mind. But there is also a lot of angst – me being an early twenty something trying to figure out the age old question of WHO AM I. It’s actually kind of depressing looking back on that! I still don’t have many answers and I still don’t know entirely ‘who I am’ but for some reason it doesn’t matter quite as much to me right now. I definitely don’t feel nearly as sad about not having all of life figured out! In some ways I think it’s because right now, with a baby, I am forced to think more in the present and while trying to have some plans for the future, I’m very much just living day to day.

I came across a number of journals about the m-i-l, which we may as well all know (if we didn’t already) is the person who has acted up and acted out time and time again to the point that it is a smashed broken record all over the floor. Very messy and a sad, sad state of affairs. A mess that I would love to sweep up and throw into the trash, truthfully – and at this point who could blame me. Anyone who WOULD blame me has no idea what I’ve put up with all these years. But tossing it away seemingly, at this point, is not an option, so here we go again, heads spinning, trying to figure out a way to clearly outline the who what when where why and how so we might actually move away from all the crap.

I just don’t see how we ever CAN move away from it. Too much has happened, too much has been said. Too little has been done to make improvements, to show care. I have too often been shunned, told I am a manipulator, that I am controlling and don’t allow James to have a voice. Which I always figured must be a piss off to James – because it’s like his mother is telling him that he’s just this door mat and doesn’t think for himself. Obviously not true at all.

I am very real and very much myself on this blog, always have been. I am not a theatrical person and couldn’t lie to save my life. It’s just not who I am. So you tell me – am I a manipulator, a control-freak, a person who would refuse to allow my boyfriend/partner/husband/father of my child to have anything to do with his family??

More like I WISH I WAS TREATED AS FAMILY. I wish instead of it being ‘JAMES’ family’ it should be OUR family. James and I have been a couple since December of 1998 – that’s nearly 11 years. We’ve been married for 2 ½ years. We have now even started a family of our own with our perfect little baby boy. How much more do we have to do to prove that we are in love with each other, that we are always going to be together – our whole lives through. THAT I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

I wonder why it’s so hard for a person to take accountability for herself.

She still goes on about last Christmas!

About HER feelings and how we apparently hurt HER!
Without acknowledging the way she freaked out like a toddler would at the grocery store check out wanting a chocolate bar. Only a million times worse than that. She won’t accept responsibility for herself, instead it’s woe is her. SHE was hurt, WE should have apologized. Meanwhile, I was squeezing a baby out of my…yeah, you catch my drift. You can understand why I’m not particularly keen on the idea of apologizing to her when I was giving birth to her grandchild. HELLO! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ABOUT YOU YOU YOU?
I can’t stand people who honestly seem to believe that the world revolves around them. How selfish can you be? There is nothing on this planet that James and I could do to top having a baby, and as far as I am concerned if that wasn’t enough for her to set her feelings aside even for 5 minutes, there is literally NO HOPE. How could there be??

It’s so hurtful when I think about James’ place in all of this. I was sad enough myself with his mothers’ actions and how she treated us, but imagine how it must have felt for him. His son was just born – he was elated and called his mom to tell her to get to the hospital right away to see our little baby boy…And she was off drinking with strangers and didn’t show up till visiting hours were over. And left the next day – across the country - after a fight with him because he apparently didn’t call her soon enough, despite that she was the very first person he called when we got home from the hospital. How were we supposed to know we’d be discharged less than 24 hrs after arriving there?! A moot point anyway, since he DID try to reach her but if you don’t answer your phone, how is anyone expected to get a hold of you??

And again – it shouldn’t have been a time about being yelled at and told we’re not treating YOU the right way. Shouldn’t it have been about US, about our new baby, our new life? After all the waiting for Andrew to arrive (8 days late), after the intense labour for me and that whole experience of bringing him into the world – and we weren’t even congratulated by James’ mother. Instead, we were stressed out by her because we were being blamed for things we didn’t even do. How sad is that?

I am so tired of this pattern of the he said/she said crap and being told I am something I am not. If after 11 years you don’t know who I am, you never will.

There is a definite pattern here of blaming us for things. Rather than being happy for us, for congratulating us on the birth of our baby, for thinking it a wonderful and beautiful thing that we love each other so much and found each other so early in life – we get shot down at every turn. I am sick of it. Life is too short. I want to enjoy it. I want to be able to be me without being attacked for it, especially given the fact that I am NOT a bad person. I avoid conflict, I try to make people happy. I tend to put others before myself. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, neither does James, and Andrew most definitely does not. I am sick of wasting time on it.

I honestly don’t know where we go from here. I want to believe she can change, but if anything she’s only gotten progressively worse over time so far, with Christmas/New Years being the straw the broke the camel’s back. Recovery is going to be slow and painful.

I hate to say it, but usually in those situations – don’t they just shoot the animal and put them out of their misery? In other words, is there really hope for reconciliation here? Seems more like a long, dragged out lost cause. It’s sad it is that way, but it’s not our fault. We’ve made ever effort and then some – more than she deserves – to try to make things better. She just won’t fess up to anything and for every step forward we think we’re about to take, she throws us back about ten yards.

What more can I say that hasn’t been already? Talk is cheap. I want to see actual effort, actual care, actual change.

[Anger] Issues

Sooooooooooo many frustrations.

Family issues.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy do people have to be so FRUSTRATING?

I am currently jealous of birds.

They reach a certain stage of their development, then they fly away and are free.

FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Except of course I don’t want to imagine Andrew flying off never to bother with me again so…I guess that wouldn’t work out after all!

I just have so much going on with so many different people. Dealing with a very depressed person who doesn’t seem to want to make any changes to get better. Then there’s a totally self-centered person who won’t take accountability for herself and is wasting our time because as far as I’m concerned she’s never going to change so I don’t know why we even bother. Then there are those who are on our case about not visiting as much but then when we’re going to be visiting, cancel plans with us to spend time with someone else. That someone else being a big baby who shouldn’t have to steal them away but is because of his hissy fits. His is a long saga of being annoying too and yet he loves to turn it all around on us – just like someone else we know.

Grrrrr!! I was just talking to James about the one person who’s depressed and how it has been affecting me and how I can’t even deal with anything else and then it seems as though it was that very night that all hell broke loose and it’s as if everyone is on our case about something now.

I am so tired of it all. I am so tired – in general – and then all of this. I want to just enjoy Andrew and living life and getting into a routine, which seems to be an ongoing battle (trying to get a routine going). I want to be able to live my life, as selfish as this might sound, without always having to feel guilty for doing it my way because apparently nothing I do is right for anyone else. Someone is always going to be upset about something.

So much more to write about on this topic, but where to start?

Saturday, October 24, 2009

A day at the fair


I’m eating an Oh Henry bar and it’s oh so delicious!

Today we went to a baby fair at Canada Place. It was good – we entered to win all sorts of prizes at the various booths that were there. When I went to a wedding fair with my mom a few years back, I ended up winning our wedding invitations so it’d be great to win something again!

When we first got there Andrew kept grinning at this woman who was working there. She asked if he was a crawler and we said Oh yeah! Well it turns out they were doing a baby crawling race so we put Andrew in the first one of the day. It was so funny – when they said Go! none of the 4 babies in the race moved a muscle! They were all a bit frightened by everyone suddenly cheering them on. They didn’t know what to do. Finally one of the babies started moving and then one of the other families cheated (in my books) by getting their daughter to slowly walk along to egg their son on to crawl as she walked. Andrew got a little ways along but then he threw himself back on the hard flooring and started bawling, so that was the end for him! So technically he came in last place BUT he did well in my books =) I gave him lots of kisses and was proud of him for trying!
We got some cool free samples of stuff. I bought Andrew a cute little pair of pants with a smile on the bum. They were made in Japan. I also got him a cute little pair of slipper/booties so he has SOMETHING for his feet – he is SO hard to shoe shop for because nothing seems to fit his feet.

James got him a toy that we’re going to save to give him for either Christmas or his birthday.

We stopped at a little cafeteria thing they had set up when Andrew started to fuss a bit. He had some of a rice cake thing that he got as a sample and he seemed to like it. He also had a bit of our sandwich, then nursed and fell fast asleep. He slept through the rest of the fair, and for the majority of the time we were suit shopping for James. We’re going to my cousin’s wedding in a few weeks and neither of us has anything dressy for such occasions so James decided to get a suit. Omigod are suits expensive BUT hopefully it’s something that will last a long time. As long as his weight doesn’t change too much, he’ll be fine!! It’s a classic suit and daaaaamn does my husband look hot in a suit. If I do say so myself!

Andrew woke up but was still being such a good boy so we went to the mall in hopes of finding me a nice top for the wedding but no such luck. It’d be so much easier if I could wear a dress BUT I have to consider the breast feeding issue so it’ll make more sense to wear a top that works for feeding discretely. It’s going to be hard giving up nursing Andrew but it will be a perk that I can buy clothes for fashion and the look of it rather than for functionability!
I didn’t get anything BUT I went into H&M to the baby section and got Andrew a cute pair of pants – the same ones his aunt and uncle got him when he was just a few months old. They’re so cute and will go with everything. I also got him a cute little suit type outfit for the wedding BUT I tried it on him and it’s too big so I’ll have to get back there to exchange it for a smaller size. Or maybe I’ll find something else for him in the meantime.

I’ve been struggling so much with the intentions I have to get certain things done and then the reality that I don’t have the time or the energy to actually do it. I am cheating on one thing – normally I print all my pictures (for grandmothers who don’t have computers to look at them and print their own, and for my scrapbook and albums) but instead I’ve put about 100 pics on a memory card and I’m going to have them developed at the store. It’s not as expensive as I thought and it’ll save me so much time.

I just need to find the time to actually work on my scrapbook and albums. It’s sooo hard to find the time and energy for it, even though it’s something I absolutely love to do. Yes, I could be doing that now instead of writing this I guess. But I have to get all the supplies out, set them up, then sit down and consider what I want to go where etc. It’s a fun process but it’s also a lot of work and I’m too lazy by this point to get going on it.
Which reminds me – talking about pictures – we had some pics taken of Andrew at the baby fair. We entered him into a ‘cutest baby’ contest. Whether or not the judges choose him, I already KNOW he’s the cutest baby! I just wanted to do it for the picture. And we actually had them do a mini photo shoot and in a few weeks we get to go to their studio and pick out what we want. Andrew was a bit apprehensive and didn’t give a huge grin but he DID smile and he looked absolutely ADORABLE. I just love him to bits!

He was such a good boy today, so wonderful to take out and I think he enjoyed himself. I love outings like that, that go so smoothly and are enjoyable for all of us. I like that we did something different than our usual. AND the weather was fantastic. Cool crisp fall, definitely not summer, but sunny and beautiful.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Just hanging around

Andrew’s napping – has been for a while now. I was smart about his last feeding and took him to our bed so I could rest too. I ended up getting an hour of sleep – MUCH needed! I could have slept longer but the stupid construction noise is too much for me. Luckily it doesn’t seem to bother Andrew at all!

On Tuesday at our mom/baby group, Andrew demonstrated how to have his teeth brushed. He was the only baby there with many teeth so it made sense for him to be the example baby! LOL I didn’t realize we should be using toothpaste this young, whenever I’ve brushed his teeth before I just used the toothbrush with a bit of water. But the teeniest tiniest amount of toothpaste is ok (since baby will swallow it, you can’t use much). He cried when he was held down to be brushed BUT was fine as soon as he was sitting up again. It was really cute because I went to that session when Andrew was about 4 months old and didn’t have any teeth yet at all – and then there we were, demonstrating oral hygiene just a few months later! And he’s working on teeth #7 and #8!

That night we went to my aunt and uncle’s for dinner. Andrew and I got there early and had a nice visit with my aunt. She had got Andrew a toy with shapes and a box to put them in so he was content with that. Luckily they don’t have too much ‘stuff’ for a baby to get into, so we only had to put a few things up but for the most part he could roam around and not get into mischief.

He was SO good during supper. We didn’t have his highchair so we put him in his stroller at the dinner table and he was content to sit there while we ate. He had filled up on hummus before dinner so he didn’t want to eat any pasta but he did have some chocolate pudding for dessert!
We were there till after 10pm, then walked home, so it was a late night. Andrew had fallen asleep probably around 9 and slept the entire walk home (about half an hour) but as soon as we took him out of the stroller to put him to bed, he woke up and didn’t want to go back to sleep. He ended up in the bed with us because I was so tired and couldn’t deal with staying up too late, given we had to be up early for his last swim lesson. Luckily James slept through, despite that Andrew kept kicking at him through the night, but I slept horribly. Finally, when Andrew was grinning at me at 5am, thinking it was play time, I put him in his crib and let him play with his toys till he fell back to sleep on his own. I went back to bed just hoping he wouldn’t fuss and luckily he didn’t. He woke up just as it was time to get ready to go for swimming so it worked out – although I think if I hadn’t been up so early he would have slept longer.

I’m glad we went to his last swim class. He just loves being at the pool, it’s sad that his lessons don’t start up again till January. Although I do plan to take him swimming at least once a week still. He got a report card for finishing the starfish group =) Next time around he’ll be a duck!

Last night we went to N&M’s because James’ dad was over. He hadn’t seen Andrew since late June or early July! So he really noticed a difference in how big he is and all he’s doing. It was a nice visit, we had pizza and chatted and watched Andrew crawl around and try to terrorize their cats!

He tried to feed M the Cheerios she was trying to feed him! It was quite cute. Oh and I forgot to mention that at our mom/baby group on Tuesday, of his own accord he went up to a baby beside him and gave the little boy a kiss on his head! He did it about 3 times, it was the cutest thing ever!

Oh and on Tuesday he started to wave! Although he only did it Tuesday and hasn’t done it since. It was adorable though – he waved the way he sees us wave to him so it looked like he was waving to himself. I hope he continues it soon, it’ll be so sweet when it becomes a regular thing.

He’s done more than that but I can’t remember right now…which is why I regret not writing more often as things happen but it just doesn’t seem to work out.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A few finished projects

I keep putting writing on the back burner in order to get other things done. It’s a shame, because there is so much I want to record and remember! I did jot down a few things to write about later so hopefully it will happen. Still haven’t written about those horrible dreams I had…but maybe they’re best left forgotten anyway.

Due to the fact that Andrew has taken to not wanting to sleep much at night the past few nights, he’s taken to taking much longer naps through the day. While I am very tired, unless he was to nap at my usual crash time (anywhere from 3-5pm), I can’t nap with him during the day. For one, I find it’s my only time to get stuff done, but the other reason is traffic noise, the brightness of daylight shining through the cracks in the blinds…I just can’t fall asleep, even though I daydream often of getting a good chunk of sleep!

Yesterday while he slept I managed to just about finish the game we’re making for my aunt and uncle. We’re giving it to them tonight – I JUST finished cutting the last of the money and got it all into the box. It’s one of those make-your-own-OPOLY games. So it’s *insert-their-last-name-here*OPOLY. For the property we put all the apartments and places they’ve lived (luckily they’ve moved a lot so there was a fair bit to work with!) and for the other squares we did restaurants they like, hotels, and Vancouver hot spots. It was A LOT of work, waaay more work than I had expected. But it was a lot of fun too, and really gratifying to see the end result. Monopoly is their favourite board game so I KNOW they are going to LOVE this gift!

I also finished sewing Andrew’s Halloween costume – and it’s pretty much done, just a bit I want to fix. I don’t have a sewing machine and rarely sew by hand so basically you could say I DON’T SEW. While I purchased a knitted part of Andrew’s costume online (the cutest part of it, really), I also wanted to take part in creating the finished product, since I am his MOM and I wanted to make it myself. One day I hope to learn how to sew properly so I can make more things. But for now…I did my little part and put the pieces together and I LOVE it and he is going to look freaking ADORABLE in it!!! I can hardly wait, my little baby’s first Halloween! I haven’t been a huge fan of the holiday for years now but with him here, it has a whole new meaning.

Of course, boy woke up as soon as I started writing this so…time to go for now. We’re going to our mom/baby meet up, then off to my aunt and uncle’s for supper. Should be interesting with Andrew at their place – who knows what he’ll be trying to get into! Last time we were there he wasn’t very sturdy sitting up on his own and was just starting to crawl so he hasn’t explored their place yet. At least I will have a few extra people to help me keep him out of trouble ;)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

As a side note, it's Emma Dilemma's 12th birthday today! Happy Birthday to my no. 1 B&W Springer Spaniel :)


Written Oct 15th:

I am guilty of not washing the floors as I had planned to tonight…although perhaps I still will. If not, there’s always tomorrow!!

BUT aside from that one detail – I accomplished everything on my ‘to do’ list for today! YAY me!! It doesn’t tend to happen often that I get that much done in a day. It was little things, such as updating our pictures on flickr, sending an email to R&B, getting in touch with our cat groomer, ordering GD Tass online…Little things but my list just keeps growing and the more I put things off, the worse it gets. So I’m breathing a sigh of relief tonight for having taken care of a chunk of it.

I even signed Andrew up for his next swim class – which doesn’t start till January but fills up fast so we’re now guaranteed a spot =) Some of the moms enrolled in the same class again that we just took, and I’m now thinking maybe I should have done the same (but can’t now because it’s full). But on the other hand, he wouldn’t be learning anything new and getting there for 9am twice a week is a bit on the early side, given we have to leave at 8. A couple of times I actually had to wake him up to get him ready to go and that’s just WRONG!! On the other hand, it WOULD be great to still have that class to go to, since he enjoys the songs and games and seeing other babies. I’m going to get a book of tickets so we can still go on a semi-regular basis. Even without the class, we can have fun and practice what he learned so far.

He’s having a bit of a fussy night – my excuse for him is that he has another tooth on the way in so he’s in need of extra cuddles, although really it could just be ‘one of those things.’ As a last ditch effort to get him sleeping, I’ve got him here beside me as I type this in bed. He’s actually holding onto the sleeve of my shirt as he sleeps – how cute is that?!

Written now (Oct 17):

I haven’t had a lot of time to write in my journal the past few days. Been busy with the boy, as always, but also getting more stuff accomplished from my perpetual ‘to do’ list. It feels good to get things done, bit by bit. Of course things continue to pile up, but I’m trying not to worry about that. Just one thing at a time!

James and I got soaked in the rain going to the market today (Andrew was safe under his plastic stroller cover!), and the sun came out practically the moment we got home! *Waves fist in air* I wouldn’t have cared if my rain jacket had done what it was supposed to (keep me dry, perhaps)…but oh no, that didn’t happen. IT LEAKED! I was more wet on the inside of the jacket than the outside by the time we were walking home, if that’s even possible. I told James the damn thing is not only NOT water-PROOF, but I swear it isn’t even water-RESISTANT!! Arrrgh! I felt like tearing it off and chucking it in a garbage can along the street. I am going to try to find a new one next time I’m in Nanaimo. I always shop better there than here. In the meantime, I’ll have to do the one-hand-on-the-stroller-one-holding-the-umbrella thing! Just as long as I don’t let go of the stroller for even a second, like that woman in Australia. Wow. What a miracle that the baby survived and was barely even hurt. Even though the baby was OK, I found that video extremely painful to watch. I just imagined what I’d be like if that happened with Andrew and…well, I can’t even go there. The word ‘hysteria’ comes to mind, tho.

We got some goodies at the market. Next week is the last one but we might not go to it because we have other plans for that afternoon, so I was hell-bent on getting there today! We got everything we went for and more and had some nice chats with the vendors that we’ve been seeing there for a few years now – since we moved downtown and started going to it. I love the community feel to the market. I’m going to miss it as it doesn’t start up again till next June I think!

Andrew slept for most of the time we were out, which I predicted given how active he was all morning before we left. He was up early this morning – 6:45am. BUT he did sleep through the night and I got probably close to 8 hours of sleep last night because I went to bed at a decent time! WOWZA! It was glorious. I actually felt energetic when I got up with him that early, and we played all sorts of games and sang songs (well, I sang to him!) and I got laundry done and tidying done and even managed to watch a show on HGTV! Life is good =)

I love having Andrew around. I got to thinking how lonely I must have been before he was here. There definitely was a void in my life that now feels filled. But I guess I didn’t know what I was missing since I didn’t know him yet. Now I am just so used to having him crawling around, following me, talking to me in his own little way. I love that boy, I know I am like a broken record for saying it so much but it’s true! He is such a delight to be around. He is such a good boy, he is content to play and when I get up to putter about and get myself sorted, he is so good about it. Of course, he does have his fussy moments…and MANY mischievous ones because he’s FOREVER getting into stuff he shouldn’t be…but over all, he is just so happy and sweet and I love that he is able to amuse himself at times – but I also love how much he loves his Momma =)

He LOVES playing pass now, especially on tile where whatever ball we’re passing will bounce or make a bit of noise while it rolls. He’ll throw the ball toward me and I’ll cheer because he did such a great job and you should see the size of his grin! He is so pleased with himself and with getting praised. You better believe I give that boy a zillion times infinity kisses every single day! Sometimes he will even try to push me away – although he does tend to have a smile on his face when he does that – because I’m kissing him toooo many times! LOL

I want to write a dreams post next, hopefully it actually happens. I had some severely awful dreams the other night and I need to rehash them in the hopes that I can then get them out of my head. Last night I know I had dreams but I can’t remember them and I must say, it was SUCH a good sleep. Not being woken every few hours was SUCH a perk!!

Time to go work on a project I’ve been putting off…Gotta get as much done as I can while the babe rests =)

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

One of those nights...


I have a harder time than ever with ‘emotions’ since Andrew was born…I try so very hard not to feel down in the dumps or be too affected by things because I know that if I let myself get all blah, I HAVE to pick myself back up as soon as Andrew needs me. I prefer to try not to let things get the better of me because it’s sooo hard feeling like total crap and then having to smile and sing and make light with the baby. Does that make sense?

He also just helps in general to make me feel happier more often. I’m more positive in general because of him. But every now and then something comes up because heaven forbid all should be well all the time, right?

Not that all is well ever, really. If I had my way things would be a lot better than they seem to be for some people but I can’t control the way other people feel and react to things.

//

I don’t think I’m explaining this right. At all. I probably shouldn’t even be writing anything right now because my mind feels racey and my thoughts are therefore all misplaced, jumbled, chaotic.

I feel sad about certain issues and in particular a conversation that just pretty much ruined the night for me. And don’t tell me it’s stupid to let it ruin the night or whatever you might be thinking, because you don’t know how I feel or why I am feeling this so deeply. Even if you think you know, you don’t.

I’m so tired of all of this. Of trying to take on the weight of so many issues that other people have, as if I can somehow sort them out and make them right. Apparently I end up screwing things up in the process anyway.

I just feel blah. When all I want is to feel happy. Or at the very least content, I’d be fine with that, it’s not like I’m asking for a perma-grin here.

I know there are ten zillion issues in the world – so how anyone could ever expect to just be living happily in the moment is beyond me. I try to do it but how often does it really happen?

Argh. I really hope this cloud rolls away quickly. I am in desperate need of a few hours sleep, and this stress cloud isn’t going to get me that.

Why oh why did this have to happen tonight?

Post-Thanksgiving post

So tired…And COLD! We’ve been lucky with the weather but it’s getting dreary now. There’s something I love about fall – the crispness in the air, the nostalgia that hits when the leaves change colour and fall to the ground. It’s exciting that it’s Andrew’s first fall (on the outside!) I just don’t enjoy how I’m feeling chilled to the bone, from the tips of my fingers right into my toes. I want to go have a hot bubble bath.

At least racing after the boy means I am usually sweating and NOT feeling so chilly! Plus, today is the first day that it has started raining – and even at that it has barely happened – so I can’t really complain!

We had a nice long weekend. Saturday we got some groceries and I did some prep work for our Thanksgiving dinner. We weren’t going to bother with doing a ‘traditional’ meal but we caved and ended up getting a tofurky =) Sunday we went for a nice stroll through Lost Lagoon to third beach and home. It was such a nice day and Andrew enjoyed a bit of a nap while we strolled along the sea wall. My bro and s-i-l came over for dinner and we even had pumpkin pie for dessert! Andrew was a delight. It’s getting harder in some ways – since he’s so mobile – but also easier because he amuses himself more and exerts a bit more independence, so I’m not always having to bounce him on my knee. He was such a good boy and enjoyed the extra audience members. However, he did get quite fussy once it was past his bed time. He went to sleep and I put him in his crib but he woke up half an hour later and couldn’t settle. It wasn’t his usual routine and he was exhausted and wanted to sleep, but he kept resisting because he didn’t want to miss out on anything! He finally fell asleep on the living room rug and I was able to get him back to bed.

Monday we relaxed and just went for a bit of a walk to get some fresh air since it was so sunny out. I was soooo tired yesterday though. Luckily James was kind enough to let me have a nap, even though he was tired too. Andrew hasn’t been sleeping through the night at all and has been getting up twice per night lately – so I guess the lack of sleep is catching up again. I just felt soooo tiiiiiiired – even after a nap I was exhausted. Actually, I’m feeling that way now too! lol

Today just after 9am I noticed a bad smell wafting in the windows and realized quickly it was smoke. Many fire trucks went by but I couldn’t see where they were going. I knew there was obviously a fire, given I could smell it, but I didn’t know where. It turned out it was in the marina – 3 boats were ruined and a few others damaged. Andrew and I went and had a look a few hours later and the fire fighters and police were still on the scene. We live close by but not so close that I’d expect to have had the amount of smoke in our place as what we did. Yikes. At least I don’t think there were any people harmed, so that’s the plus side. It was believed that the smoke from that fire was toxic – well, at least I closed the windows when I smelled it.

Our mom/baby group went well today – although Andrew was so high energy, it was ridiculous. Usually by the end of the class he falls asleep but not today. He just crawled around like crazy the entire time. When we got home he had a bath, then ate some macaroni and cheese and some veggie product, nursed and has finally settled into a nap. His energy is exhausting! Oh and I have bite marks all over my arms and shoulders from him. OUCH!! He has another tooth coming through on the bottom – that’s tooth number 7.

Andrew has given more kisses lately…and he also stands on his own a lot more.

But anyway, time to start thinking about supper. Not long before James will be home, yay! Then after dinner I can enjoy my hot bubble bath =) I can hardly wait. James has been so good with Andrew – this weekend they played hide and go seek! James would go hide in the bedroom or bathroom, Andrew would crawl in to find him, James would make some noise and Andrew would squeal and ‘run’ (crawl fast) away and then they’d repeat the process. SO cute!

We just love our baby boy so much! We’re so lucky to have him.

Friday, October 09, 2009

Shopping with baby

We’re skipping out on storytime/singalong today. I had hoped to take Andrew, but he’s napping and it starts in 15 minutes. Logistically, there’s no way we’d get there in time and he’d be super fussy if he woke up because he hasn’t nursed for quite a few hours.
We just got home a little while ago. I was planning to go out tonight on my own to do a bit of shopping, but I decided to take Andrew with me this morning on a ‘trial run’ to see if I can go shopping with him! I have never taken him clothes shopping for me without someone else being there. I rarely go clothes shopping anyway but I didn’t think I’d be able to do it with a baby in tow.

However, I am happy to report that it went super well! I found a whole section of clothes at The Bay that I loved and I ended up getting a bit more than what I had planned on. I have to find something dressy still, to wear to my cousin’s wedding next month, but otherwise I feel like I pretty much have everything I need for a fall wardrobe. I’m sure I’ll want new things as time goes on, but honestly, I’m going to try not to shop much at all for myself for a while. Especially with my EI money running out in the next month and losing my income altogether, I don’t want to spend on myself too often.

I was concerned about the stroller being a nuisance, both for looking at the clothes on the racks and being able to squeeze into a fitting room. But it worked well – I was able to stack the clothes I wanted to try on onto the back of the stroller, and there was just enough room in the change room for both of us! Andrew was SO well-behaved. He only just started to fuss as we were going to be leaving, so as soon as I opened the door and went back into the store, he was quiet again because he had new things to look at.

Of course, it wouldn’t hurt for me to get out on my own – and I may still go out later, or sometime over the weekend. I did pump milk for the occasion, so may as well use it! Plus I think it would be really healthy for me to have a bit of ‘me’ time away from my usual responsibilities – just for a couple of hours.
Oh, I found a rain jacket!! There were only a few left but I found a really nice one that I think will last a really long time – and was pretty cheap. I also got 2 new pairs of pants and a few tops. I feel good about everything I got, and it can all mix and match. I have been in such a clothing rut lately. I really REALLY want to start looking more presentable. It’s so easy to forget about yourself when you’re taking care of a baby and just focus on how cute they look! You should see the state of my hair. I barely even brushed it this morning before going out, I just thought, ahh, who cares what it looks like. I NEVER thought I would be like that! But other things take priority. Still, it’s important that I still think about myself once in a while, too.

After shopping we swung by James’ office to say hi and he even went and got me a sandwich and we sat outside. Once again, Andrew couldn’t get enough bocconcini!! It was a nice treat to see James during work hours too. Andrew got Daddy cuddles and I got to eat =)

It was great to get a full night’s sleep last night! Aaahhhh, thanks to Andrew for sleeping through, and James getting up early so I didn’t have to wake up till 8am! Wow, what a difference it makes to get that rest. I was really in desperate need of it.

And Andrew gave me a kiss today!! He did for the first time 2 days ago – yesterday he refused. But I said, ‘Andrew, give Momma a kiss!’ and I gave him two kisses on the lips, then asked again for one, and he smiled, leaned in, and touched his tongue/lips to my lips. LOL Yeah we’ll have to work on his kisses not being quite so open-mouthed, but all the same, he is starting to learn! It’s so exciting. There really is nothing like asking your babe for a kiss and them actually responding! I love teaching Andrew things. It really is all about repetition at this stage. I am really wanting to get him waving so I’m going to start waving like crazy every single day till he gets it. We’ve been waving for a while trying to get him to, but not super religiously.
Last night it was so cute – he picked up one of the little balls that goes with his elephant toy, took it over to the tile by the front door, and started bouncing it around. He’d bounce it, go get it, and repeat this over and over and he would laugh every time the ball hit the tile! His laugh is the sweetest sound, I just love hearing him laugh. And it was so cute seeing him entertain himself like that. We’ve never played ball over on that tile and yet it’s like he was on a mission, as if he knew it would be great fun to do that! He is something else.

It’s sunny – I hope it lasts for the long weekend. I don’t mind waiting to test out my new rain jacket ;) I’m soooooo happy it’s a long weekend. And we have no plans – we’re not doing thanksgiving dinner with anyone, which suits me just fine since I don’t have to take part in a dinner that includes a sacrificed turkey. We didn’t even get a tofurky this year, although maybe we will…there’s still time yet =)

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Daydreaming of sleep...

Oh how I sometimes wish we could trade places!

Blowing bubbles

Written last night (one of these days I’ll be up to date with posting!):

Swimming went well this morning. We blew bubbles with straws. Andrew loved the straw and wanted to hold it the rest of class – tho eventually he lost it!

After class and feeding him – milk AND solids – he fell asleep in his stroller on the walk home so I took the opportunity to go to Baby Gap. Got a few cute onesies for him just because I couldn’t resist them…and I also got some things that will help complete his Halloween costume – which I am sort of making/sort of had someone else help in the making of! I’m SO excited about it. Oh and Andrew won a ‘cutest baby’ contest recently so we’re getting some professional pics taken and we chose to do that just before Halloween so we can get a few pics of him in his cute little costume =)

We were out for close to 4 hours this morning before coming home. I was able to have a quick bath without Andrew fussing – just to wash off some of the chlorine from the pool. Then I gave him his bath and we spent some time playing. He is seriously sooooo cute, I can’t stop kissing him and hugging him and telling him how much I love him! I was the ‘Kissing Monster’ this afternoon and kept giving him as many kisses as I could. He thought it was funny =)

He’s been laughing a lot more lately.

And he napped a lot today.

He also gave me a kiss for the first time today!! He wouldn’t repeat the gesture but I’m going to keep working on teaching him to kiss! Whenever he is at a mirror or has his little fabric book with the mirror on the front, I say, ‘Andrew, give the baby a kiss!’ and he leans in to the mirror and opens his mouth a little and presses his tongue on the mirror. LOL It’s not quite the way a kiss should be but he’s getting there! So this afternoon I was giving him kisses and then said, ‘Andrew, give Momma a kiss!’ and he leaned in and did his mirror kiss right on my lips! Then he grinned and did it again, but after that it was as if he forgot how. It was so sweet though, I can’t wait till I can ask him for a kiss or hug and he will know what to do!

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

La dee da

Written Oct 6/09 – sometime in the evening:

Andrew is 21lbs again! He’s gained the half pound he lost last month from being so active. Not that he isn’t still active because he’s more insane than ever, but it’s good to know he’s gaining and not continuing to lose – it must mean he’s eating well!

He would be mortified to know I am posting this but his poos are big boy poos now! As in, fairly solid. Much easier for cleaning up, that’s for sure. Stinky but cleaner!! lol

Last night James started putting those really annoying clips on the cupboards (annoying for us because it’s a process to open everything now!) But at least I’ll be able to start letting Andrew roam the kitchen a bit more without having to watch him quite as closely! I still watch him of course but at least I know he can’t get into as much trouble (yet!) We also have a gate on the solarium doorway so he can’t go in there and muck with the cats’ food dishes or their water.

I find it a lot easier in some ways to give Andrew more run of the house now. I close the bedroom and bathroom doors and he can move around more – which is good exercise for him and gives him new things to look at.

Despite not getting much sleep last night, I had to get up when James was leaving for work so I decided rather than just having a coffee and hanging around till our mom/baby group in the afternoon, I got us sorted to go out right away. I needed to go get a blood test – we went to the doctor over a month ago and I STILL hadn’t gone for the blood test! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, it was just to make sure all is well after having Andrew. I figure I’d better get it done before he’s a year old!! The only reason I was putting it off was because I had to fast for 12 hrs before getting it – I couldn’t even drink anything. I don’t find it easy to not eat or drink anything at all when I’m up half the night and breast feeding quite a bit. I get hungry and cranky and need coffee in the morning!! But I persevered and it wasn’t as bad as I had thought.

I even looked at the needle taking my blood – for the first time ever. I’ve always felt like I could handle the needle as long as I didn’t have to see it. But this time I figured I’ve given birth…and I saw the hook/needle thing that was used to stitch me up after (how’s that for too much information?!) so if I could handle that, I can handle a dinky little needle in my arm taking some blood! It really wasn’t bad at all.

Yesterday afternoon we went to our mom/baby group. The topic was swimming and it just so happened it was our swim instructor who was there talking about putting babies in the pool! It was a fun time – Andrew was crawling around and grinning at everyone. He loves being around lots of people. It’s so funny how so many of the moms ask for my advice, as if I am such an experienced mom. It’s because I have the oldest baby so I’ve already been through the stages they’re at, but still, it seems funny and strange to be answering so many questions like that as if I’m an expert when I’m definitely not! I did talk to a few of the moms who have been there each week I’ve gone so far this fall so it was good to connect a little bit more. It's also a GREAT way of getting Andrew moving around like crazy for a solid hour or more, which makes him tired, which Mommy likes!! =)

Backtracking here...

Written just after 3am on Oct 6:

Andrew’s typical bed time (or…the FIRST bedtime of the night…before he’s up for middle-of-the-night feeds and cuddles…) is between 8 and 9pm. Tonight he was in bed for little more than half an hour before he was crying and desperate to get up. Usually if this happens he goes back to sleep after about 10-15 minutes of nursing. Not tonight, however. No, tonight he didn’t go back to sleep till about 12:30am. It was a struggle to get him to go back to sleep but FINALLY he gave in and couldn’t help but drift to sleep. James said, ‘Going to bed this late, he should sleep right through the night now.’

Funny – I didn’t even say a word to this. I’ve come to the point lately that I don’t even know what ‘sleeping through’ even means anymore. I WISH it would happen but I tend not to want to get my hopes up.

And for good reason, obviously.

At 3:12am I am awake, waiting at this point with crossed fingers that he’s drifted back to sleep to the soothing sounds of his aquarium mixed with the classical music of Tiny Tad.

Siiiiigh.

I fed him and cuddled him and he fell back asleep, only of course no sooner did this happen that Moorka – stupid #^$&#&*@!()&@^%!! Moorka – decided to meow loudly and act like an idiot, alerting Andrew and causing him to suddenly be not only wide awake, but desperate to find the source of all the racket.

Please understand that while I DO love our cats, I just CAN’T handle this middle of the night issue I’m having of them (or, one in particular) keeping Andrew from rest, which in turn keeps me awake. When you’re getting to the point of thinking jumping out the window would be easier than being awake any longer (don’t worry, I wouldn’t actually do it!!) and then the reason you’re still awake is because of an effing cat who gets to sleep all goddam DAY…it’s a little hard to accept!!

But anyway…I think I’ve successfully lulled the boy to sleep with his toys so I am off to catch more zzz’s. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can go right now without a good chunk of sleep. I am getting desperate here. I need, like, 6 SOLID hours of rest. When’s it going to happen?! If only I knew.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

How things change

I’ve been searching high and low for a simple rain jacket. Do you think I can find one anywhere? What is up with that – I live in VANCOUVER – it’s the rain city for crying out loud! And I can’t find a simple light rain jacket to save my life.

Anyway…

Had Andrew’s great aunt and uncle over for a visit tonight – that was fun! He slept through most of it but entertained them for a little while =)

In other news…

It’s interesting how things can change over time. My very best friend throughout grade 12 started going out with my brother about a year after we became friends. As soon as they were a couple, she dropped me like a hot potato. They moved to the mainland at the same time I did – my brother was going to UBC and she and I were going to SFU. I moved into residence, they moved into an apartment together. They stayed together for over 4 years. In that time, it became increasingly difficult to have a relationship with my brother because she didn’t want me to be a part of his life. It was nutso. She and I were so close before and then suddenly I wasn’t supposed to exist. It got so bad that whenever I would call their place, she would answer and just hang up on me and tell my brother it was a wrong number. He obviously knew what was going on to some degree, but for whatever reason the space he was in at the time made him accept her behaviour and he chose to pretty much have nothing to do with his family for a period of time.

It was really sad. And awful, some of the things she did to me. Very childish and hurtful things. I’m not going to detail any of it but lets just say it happened time and time again and eventually I snapped we had a major falling out. I pretty much had no contact with my brother for a period of time – the duration of their relationship – because it was impossible. She admitted to me at the end of their relationship that she saw me as a threat, that she didn’t like this ‘other woman’ being a part of her boyfriend’s life. I reminded her that I am his SISTER, not some ‘other woman.’ Obviously my brother and I would never be a couple, just the mere thought of that is disgusting! I love my brother as a brother only!! So why she had to see me as a threat was beyond me. It’s not like I was calling all the time and always wanting to get together with him or something. I’d call him once a week if that and we got together only once in a while given we had different schedules, lived a bit of a distance apart, and had our own things going on.

But anyway…it was so bad in the end, some of the things that she did to me, that I absolutely hated her. And I don’t hate people easily. She made me hate her so much with her meanness and I thought she was completely insane, to tell the truth. I vowed that I would never, ever trust her again for a second. I was pretty adamant that I would always hold onto my hatred for her, too, it was that strong.

Now we have been in touch on a regular basis. Which is totally weird, right? I do feel a tad bit uneasy about it. Just because of our history. I don’t WANT to let her into my life on the one hand, because how could I – what if she did something to hurt me again?! I know she is the type of person who, if she decides to hurt you, she will dig up any little things she can that she knows will make you feel bad and you’d better be sure she WILL use them to hurt you.

But on the other hand, I realize that people do change. And I would never consider her a best friend. But…we have a lot in common right now and we’ve been a good support to each other considering our situations. She gave birth to her baby girl just 4 days before Andrew was born, so in a lot of ways we’re living the same life right now (although very different at the same time!) She is married – thankfully not to my brother! It would be wonderful to have a niece or nephew the same age as Andrew, how FUN would that be?! It would be wonderful BUT given our history, I am truly glad my brother is with the woman he is with now (even though she for sure never wants to have children, so a niece or nephew EVER is out!) and not with her. I am glad her daughter is with another man because I think our relationship, whatever it is or is meant to be or will be, is best one kept at a distance, with no strings attached!

It’s just interesting and strange at the same time because I never thought I would ever speak to her again – what I went through with her was really hard on me and something that affected me very deeply. It affected my whole family, really. And all of this is also complicated by the fact that I haven’t even mentioned to my parents, for example, that we’re even speaking at all because my mom still holds onto her resentment and would probably be totally annoyed to think I had forgiven her on any level (which is an unspoken forgiveness by the way, because she and I haven’t talked AT ALL about our past!)

It’s a very weird set up. My brother still talks to her occasionally, and I know he knows I’m in touch with her, though I don’t know to what degree. (She contacted me first, for the record - and it took two tries before I responded at all because I was apprehensive to do so). I do see my brother semi-regularly but we haven’t really discussed it. It’s not like I think about it often, it just is what it is.

I guess what to take from all of this is that it’s important to keep an open mind, because you just never know how a situation might change!

Date night!

Andrew’s new thing (for the past 2 nights) is not only not sleeping through the night, but wanting to be up for hours on end through the night. Usually it’s more like a 20 minute thing of nursing and going back to bed but no, now we’re up for about 2 hours because he refuses to go back to sleep. I’ve put him back in his crib now but he’s not sleeping. At least he’s calmed and is playing but I still can’t go to bed myself because he makes too much noise that the monitor would set off every few minutes. Aaaahhh, what I wouldn’t do for a good night’s sleep! All you people out there who are actually able to have a solid chunk of sleep, DON’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!!! ENJOY IT!!!!!

Last night we went out for dinner with James’ half sister and her boyfriend. We rarely ever see his sister. She lives in Victoria and while we all get along well, James didn’t actually grow up with her so it’s not your typical ‘brother/sister’ relationship. We probably only talk a few times a year and see each other the same. Actually, for most of my relationship with James (almost 11 years) we’ve gone a number of years without seeing each other at all. But I think that will change now that Andrew is around because she’s quite keen to spend time with her little nephew!

Today (I’m still thinking of today as Saturday even tho technically it’s Sunday morning!) we took them to the aquarium and that was a lot of fun! Andrew did really well and eventually fed and napped for part of our time there.

And then tonight James’ bro and girlfriend babysat Andrew for the first time and James and I got to have a DATE NIGHT!! A much needed one, I must say. I think our last date was maybe in August? I can’t even remember. We went for a bike ride that time, and a quick lunch. This time we went to a hotel lounge that I had been to once before and we had drinks and an appy to share. It was nice – when we got there it was still pretty early so it wasn’t very busy but the best seat in the lounge was taken. A short while later the couple sitting there left so we took that seat and got to cozy up a bit more. We had some great conversation – not JUST about Andrew, although of course he WAS discussed =)

From there we went to a pub near the convention centre and had another drink and shared a veggie burger. This was after skipping out on another place in a hotel before we ordered anything because I didn’t like the atmosphere and there was nothing on the menu I wanted to eat. You know when you just get that feeling that it’s not the right place for you – I’ve decided when I get that feeling it’s best to go with it and find something else because why waste money on something you don’t really want?!

After the pub we sauntered home along the water. It was such a great night out! We were in contact with N&M a few times just to check in and make sure they were doing well. They haven’t been around babies much at all and we didn’t want them having to deal with Andrew having too much of a fussy time. They did super well and we will definitely ask them to babysit again! It was hard to leave and I was worried they wouldn’t feel comfortable dealing with Andrew but it seemed to go quite smoothly and we actually tested the limits and stayed out for about 3 ½ hours I think it was – which is actually I think the longest we’ve ever gone out for a date when someone was babysitting for us.

It’s so hard to find the time to be a twosome these days. It’s wonderful being a threesome and I wouldn’t trade that for all the date nights in the world BUT it’s still good to reconnect from time to time and soooo relaxing for me since I don’t have to be constantly looking after someone else. I loved being able to sip my drink and have some food without feeding someone else, picking toys up off the floor, sweating bullets because I’m catering to someone else!

When we got home and we said goodbye to N&M, I nursed Andrew – who refused to go to sleep till we got home despite being exhausted because he loves to nurse at night and was waiting up for his mom and dad to get home! Once he was in bed I had a bath and then we watched the season opener of Dexter – which was SO good I must say! And the rest is history. I wish I was sleeping right now, but beyond the sleep issue it was a wonderful day/night. AND the weekend isn’t over yet!


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