A little piece of me
I hate bottling things up inside, but some things are better kept hidden. I don’t hide much but sometimes I just think it’s not worth talking about certain things. Especially when you don’t have the time to really formulate your thoughts on them properly.
So I don’t really know how to approach the subject of a mother’s ‘invisibility’ once she has a child.
For the most part it doesn’t bother me at all. I’m not one to enjoy being in the limelight – I don’t like all eyes on me. I love it when people pay attention to Andrew and would be far more upset if people ignored HIM than me!! He is adorable and a delight and I WANT him to be focused on.
But it’s interesting how even when I get together with people WITHOUT Andrew, I feel somewhat ignored. Not ignored but just…I don’t know. Certain people in my life used to compliment me on things and I’m not saying I never get any compliments anymore but…Even when I wear something brand new for the first time it goes unnoticed. And last night it seemed to be implied that I am carrying extra baby weight still…Or did I just interpret it wrong? (I don’t think so). Here’s how it went down:
‘You’re a vegetarian? I didn’t know that about you!’
‘Yes, it’s been almost 12 years, a long time!’
‘You wouldn’t know she’s a vegetarian to look at her, would you?!’
‘Oh, come on now, she just had a baby!’
Ummm, HELLO PEOPLE, I’M SITTING RIGHT HERE!!!!!
I don’t know…given who was saying it I KNOW it wasn’t meant as an attack or meant to say I am fat or anything because this person wouldn’t ever say that to me. But I have definitely noticed that I don’t get treated the same way as I used to. (In general I mean - I'm not just linking this to weight, I guess that's sort of a side issue of a comment that upset me. It was unexpected).
It's not that I want people all fawning over me and complimenting me at every turn, that’s not it at all. But once in a while it would be nice to have something said!
I don’t dress up these days and maybe I’m in a bit of clothing rut, but I WAS actually wearing a new outfit last night and literally everyone else who showed up to the outing was complimented by one another on how they looked…I was the only one not mentioned! Again, I know it was unintentional, but I am just feeling a bit bad about myself at the moment because of it.
I feel really sad actually, and I don’t think it’s just because of that. It just sort of was the clincher maybe. I am normally so good at keeping myself together and I am a fairly happy person these days. But once in a while this feeling just hits me and I just need a good cry. Sometimes I have time to cry, but sometimes I just have to hold back because there isn’t time or it isn’t appropriate. I have to hold it together for the sake of Andrew!
I’ve gained so much having Andrew and feel better than I have my whole life now that he is here. But I don’t want to lost my identity. I’m OK with largely being ‘Mom’ – as it really is my number one job/priority in life right now. But I’m still Elizabeth and I still have individuality as well! I don’t want that to be forgotten. I don’t want to be in the limelight AT ALL but I don’t want to be hidden away in the shadows either. A happy medium would be nice.