Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's time!

I'm in labour. Can't write much! Contractions are killing me. Next post should be about baby in a few days!!

:)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Soon, very soon...

Today was spent having tests galore.

In the morning was fetal monitoring, so we got to listen to baby’s heartbeat and see when I was having contractions etc as a paper was printed out with squiggly lines. It turns out baby is NOT stressed, which is good since this was a ‘non-stress test’ we were taking! Baby was active and movement was just as it should be.

But my blood pressure was slightly high – which seemed strange given I’ve never once had high blood pressure before…and even yesterday when our midwife checked, it was fine. The nurse at the hospital agreed it was most likely just because I was in the hospital and it was stressing me out a bit.

But nevertheless, after we left the hospital and they called my midwife and told her the results of my test, she requested I go back to the hospital and have blood work done. So off we went back for that…then it was time to go for my ultrasound, which instead of conveniently being at the hospital, was at a clinic in Chinatown.

Then we had to go to the midwife’s clinic to discuss all the results and see if I’m eligible to do the herbal induction thing…It turns out my u/s results wouldn’t be in for another few hours so we’d have to wait to hear from the midwife a little later. But we got part of the ingredients from her for the concoction in case we found out we could go ahead with it. Then we went to the store and collected the rest of the ingredients.

When we got home we were zonked and napped for about 2 hours, got up just in time to get the phone call from our midwife. The blood work was all good so my blood pressure isn’t a problem, and the u/s was great – meaning everything about baby looks good. He or she is just being stubborn about coming out!

So unless I go into labour through the night, which would be ideal, at 7am I will be drinking a nasty concoction that should start contractions within 4 or so hours if all goes according to plan. Apparently it is about 75% likely to get me into labour, so it’s a very good chance but still not a guarantee. We’ll see how it goes though! At this point I am ready to try it, even if it’s going to make me quite nauseous…

Hopefully this means that baby is going to come tomorrow, or at the latest early on the 1st. Either way it’s looking like we’re having a new years’ baby! Hopefully this works…I really do have my hopes up.

Wish me luck!! And Happy New Year =)

Monday, December 29, 2008

Soon I hope...

Our midwife came over this morning – I’m another cm dilated so I’m at 3cm. It’s a good sign that I’m another cm along after 3 days, at least I’m not still in the exact same place as before! But the wait continues. Tomorrow morning we go for a non-stress test to check on baby, then in the afternoon we have an ultrasound booked. Then, if all looks good, on Wed morning I can drink the concoction (herbal inducer). Hopefully I go into labour naturally before all of this happens, but at least we’re working toward getting things happening if it doesn’t happen on its own in the meantime.

The exam has left me uncomfortable again, with more cramping – but it’s good because it most likely is contractions I’m having. I told the midwife what I felt on Friday after the exam and she said it sounded like labour contractions to her – it’s just that we want them to keep going and get stronger, not die off and stop altogether like what’s been happening!

I’m anxious and a bit sad at how long all of this is taking. But I’m hanging in there.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

To keep my mind off my lack of labour…

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Got pregnant!

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I both did and didn’t keep my new years’ resolutions from this past year. I wanted to write more in terms of fiction, but getting pregnant meant wanting to document my reality – and I do think I did a fair job with that, so for now I’m content. As for next year, I just want to focus on my new baby and be the best mom to him or her that I can.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Well, I had hoped to by now but I am definitely hoping I do before the year is out!!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No one I was really close to, no, thank goodness.

5. What countries did you visit?
If I went anywhere this year I’m currently drawing a blank! I think I’ve pretty much been around here, between Vancouver and the island, this year.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Well, I WILL have my baby, and that’s all that matters to me at the moment!

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The day my baby is born will be most memorable of course, but for now I can say April 15th, because that’s the day we took our 2nd pregnancy test and knew for sure that the line was real and we were pregnant!!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Oh gawd all my answers are the same – getting pregnant! LOL

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not having the baby by now!! I was so hoping he or she would be here before Xmas…

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a cold I think at the end of April but nothing too horrible. Otherwise it was just the intensity of morning sickness that I had to battle!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Diclectin – for morning sickness! Thanks to Pharmacare, I only had to pay a small amount for it once and then it was free!!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
I would say James’ – because he has been such an amazing support throughout this pregnancy. I couldn’t have got through all the sickness and exhaustion of it without his help.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
His mothers’ behaviour…nuff said.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Well, realistically bills and debt…but otherwise I guess toward setting up baby’s nursery – although we did it on a fairly low budget – we got great stuff but not top of the line so I don’t think we actually spent all that much, even though everything we have is really nice.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Taking the pregnancy test and seeing that it was a positive…going through the whole pregnancy…and I am super excited to be meeting my baby – ANY TIME NOW!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Hmm…I don’t know that I have a specific 2008 song…but I have definitely been enjoying listening to David Usher this year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
I’m definitely happier. Waaay fatter given I’m over 9 months pregnant now!! And I’d say richer, at least on certain levels – not necessarily when it comes to money.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
I’m honestly not sure…I feel like I did what I could with this past year, really. Sure there’s always more I could have done but I feel fairly content.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
I wish I’d thought less that baby would arrive early – I probably could have gone to visit my parents a few more times, for example, if I hadn’t been thinking baby was going to get here before our due date.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas with my family, with James family, with a bit of chaos…But despite a certain someone putting a damper on things, there was a lot of love in the day too. It was a different sort of Christmas than ever before and I wish baby had been here for it, but it was still good.

21. Did you meet/date anyone special in 2008?
I’m married to my special someone already but I’m planning on meeting a VERY special little one in the next few days =)

23. How many one-night stands?
One-night stands don’t exist in my world, and I’m glad of that!

24. What was your favourite TV program?
Although we don’t have cable, I would have to say LOST.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

26. What was the best book you read?
What to Expect When You’re Expecting was the most informative! I also enjoyed a book called The Mommy Chronicles. There’s a definite theme here =)

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I can’t say I really had any musical discoveries this year…You could say I am a tad out of the loop when it comes to new music.

28. What did you want and get?
Pregnant!

29. What did you want and not get?
My baby…yet – though it’s only a matter of days now till I will, so that’s ok!!

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
I’m not much of a movie buff…of the movies I saw in theatre I couldn’t really say any of them were a ‘favourite’…Decent movies, sure but not enough so to name one the best of the year!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 28. A recap of my birthday can be found in my archives: here.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Winning the lottery so I could be debt free would be a bonus!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
Oooh maternity wear – LOL! Actually, I found my pregnancy clothes very comfy and they actually look fashionable. Since I’ll undoubtedly be wearing them for some time after giving birth, I’m glad they look like ‘regular people clothes’ enough to get away with it!

34. What kept you sane?
James, my family, focusing on keeping healthy for the sake of baby.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
James would say I fancy Daniel Craig, but really, I would say I don’t really get crushes on celebrities!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I felt the Canadian election was a complete waste of money…I was happy to see Obama win in the US though.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
It was pretty exciting getting to meet Trista and Kyle in person this year! =)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
Things are not always as they might seem – you never know what someone’s story might be. It’s really important to have patience and compassion.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
you know that's what our love can do.

I wish, but no...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I am officially insane.

OK I'm not, I'm doing absolutely everything I can to REMAIN CALM. Because that's the best way to get baby here! Stress can keep baby inside so I'm c-a-l-m. If I tell myself that enough times MAYBE I will actually start to believe it.

Ha!

Why oh why do I have to have such a comfy cozy safe haven of a uterus?! Perhaps if I'd had a more uncomfortable one baby would have wanted to come out of it sooner. But oh no, he or she just loves to float around in there and dig those pesky little toes deeper and deeper into my ribs! I tell ya. Baby is something else!!

My midwife is coming over tomorrow to do another exam so we'll see if I'm any further dilated. She can also do a procedure which HURTS but will help to open my cervix a bit more and could help get labour going a bit sooner. We'll also discuss the herbal concoction for induction I guess - if it comes to that. I hope baby starts through the night tonight but I just don't have my hopes up anymore given I wait and wait every day and night and nothing ever seems to happen!

Oh well.

I am ready at any rate. Bring on the pain! It's the only thing I can look forward to now, I need to feel those damn contractions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I've written off dealing with James' family issues for the time being. Being stress free means being m-i-l free. I will be civil with her when the baby comes and she is visiting but I will eventually have to let her know that her behaviour has to change for the next time she's out here, because I can't let her dysfunctional way of being transfer to my child. I am a protective mama bear and I want my baby to have a childhood that is as dysfunction free as possible. I will not let her manipulate us anymore!

But for the time being none of that even exists - it's all about baby, it has to be!

Well, baby remains cozy in mama’s belly =S

When will this ever end?!

We’re hoping tomorrow (today) will be the day. But who knows…I’m beside myself.

And things have gone from bad to worse with James’ family. It’s total insanity. The fact that people are doing this at such an inopportune time…the stress James is going through – I can’t stand it. I’m upset enough that I have to deal with this stress with baby when I should be relaxing and focusing on my last moments of pregnancy – but what really bothers me most is seeing how it all affects James. He is so not deserving of any of it and given that he is such a level guy all the time, I hate seeing how upset he is. He might look cool and collected but I know him and I know he’s hurting inside. I really foresaw our last days/moments before baby being ones of reflection and taking care of one another and being as stress-free as possible, but unfortunately these people just can’t let up or let other people be happy. Their own misery (one person’s in particular) always has to get transferred. I am beyond sick of it.

Not sure what the outcome will be, but focusing on baby is most important now and I’m hoping tomorrow I can tear the phone out of the wall so to speak so that James won’t have to be on it 24/7 diffusing ridiculous situations for undeserving people. Hopefully baby will decide it’s time soon so we can focus on our little one.

At least James and I are really strong together and have stuck by one another. Our love will conquer all! And when we hold our little baby in our arms and become a family once and for all, I just know that nothing else will matter anymore.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

The wait continues!

Last night I had a few more (mild) contractions. My parents came over for a visit in the evening and then my bro and s-i-l joined us. I think everyone just wanted to see me to know I was OK – they are all so anxious about baby and I think about me having to go through labour! I was having some mild cramping at that point but nothing major. I woke up a few times in the night last night to what I believe were small contractions but I haven’t had any so far this morning. Most likely it was that my cervix was aggravated by the exam yesterday and that’s what caused all the cramping. All good signs though – each time that happens it IS helping to get that cervix open!! So hopefully today things will continue to progress. I’m trying to be patient…but it’s not easy!

I need to try to do things today to keep my mind off the birth, although I don’t really know how I’m supposed to do that.

As for the m-i-l situation…she was very cold to James on the phone, has isolated herself where she’s staying and won’t see anyone, doesn’t want to talk. She’s decided she will call us in a few days to see if baby has arrived yet and will see baby and then she’s leaving. She was supposed to be in the city till Jan 6th but I guess if she’s going to alienate herself from everyone there’s not much point in her staying on. Maybe she really will go about things as she’s saying…Or I could foresee her trying to pull a stunt such as showing up when baby is born and trying to worm her way back in without having to apologize, make amends, CHANGE HER GODDAM BEHAVIOUR. Well, if she tries something like that, it’s simply not going to work. I can’t back down this time. I can’t let her think she can keep treating us all this way and get away with it time and time again. I don’t know how things will all end up, but I really feel she needs to buck up and take responsibility for herself and her actions. I won’t allow her to shove all this negativity and dysfunction in my child’s face.

Anyway, I’m trying not to dwell on that as it’s really not worth it. I’ve got much more exciting things to consider!

Lets hope baby gets his or her act together today and decides it’s time! =)

Friday, December 26, 2008

At least there's been progress!

We had a midwife appointment today. I’m feeling a bit better about our progress…I was so worried she’d do the exam and tell me my cervix was still completely closed up, but not the case! My cervix is 2cm dilated so far. Which is a big change from last week since I was so closed up. And it sounds like all my aches and pains have been normal – baby’s head is further engaged into my pelvis. So he or she IS getting ready to make a grand entrance, it’s just a matter of when that will be!

We’re hoping the exam will have also helped to open my cervix a little more. It’s so painful having it checked out though, which worries me since I know it’s NOTHING compared to what labour is going to feel like. I honestly don’t know if I’m going to be able to do this without drugs…But we’ll see! I’ll do my best!

It’s kind of good we didn’t deliver yesterday – as it turns out the only other woman our midwife is dealing with right now who’s due around this time delivered yesterday! So if it had been us as well we probably wouldn’t have had our midwife with us. So maybe baby was holding on for good reason =)

So basically now I’m quite sore from the exam and having some tightness, which isn’t severe but is making me a tad uncomfortable more so than I was before…

But the most annoying part of all is what James’ mother is doing to all of us. I like to leave certain things private and not really explore them much on my blog – you never know, for one, who might happen across it, and really some things just aren’t the world’s business.

But I’m so sick of her pulling these stunts and acting like a 2 year old and I can’t bite my tongue anymore! Without getting into all the gritty details…

James and I are experiencing a lot of tension at the moment as a result of what’s going on, because he feels it’s his ‘duty’ to run to her and ‘save’ her so to speak – as if she’s going to harm herself. As I know from previous experience with her, I don’t believe she’d actually harm herself. She might threaten to, but to actually do it would mean dying, and then how could she get negative attention if she wasn’t here to receive it? I think she’s just pulling the woe is me card as she’s done so many times in the past and it’s fucking ridiculous. And pardon my language as I’m trying to talk nicer with a baby on the way and all, but seriously.

I hate her. I want nothing to do with her. Not ever. I am beyond being at the end of my rope with her. How’s that going to affect relations with the baby? I don’t want to take baby away from her but based on her performance last night – and I do believe it was a performance (she is in acting, after all) I am not willing to have her step foot in our home at the time being.

Now James and I are having problems, despite that obviously deep down we understand each other and are on fine terms, it’s just that she always manages to make things difficult for everyone. It’s just that this time I am more resentful than ever. She is so fucking self-centered she doesn’t even care that her eldest son is about to become a father at any moment, that her daughter in law does NOT need to be stressing to the max right now. James barely slept last night from all his worrying about her, at a time when he should be resting because labour is going to be intense for him as well as for me. He needs all the rest he can get up to that point.

Not to mention her other son, who has epilepsy and is not supposed to stress since stress induces seizures – of which he has had this morning because of everything that’s going on. And his girlfriend who is beside herself because she’s the one who took the brunt of the harsh words, even though she literally did NOTHING to deserve any of it.

Some people are just so unbelievable. I don’t know how a person can be so selfish, especially at a time like this. And to be so childish as to not accept phone calls or call to say she’s ok or ANYTHING, leaving everyone wondering and James feeling like he has to race to her side. What good is that going to do? No one did ANYTHING to make her feel uncared for and yet she’s acting like she’s such a victim. Over what?! Everything was going perfectly fine and then she just turned from Jekyll into Hyde and it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

She’s just FINALLY called and James is talking to her…Lucky she called when she did because he was about to go out in the snow looking for her…This is all so NUTS!

And to add insult to injury here I feel like I might be having a (slight) contraction…It’s very tight and painful…Whatever the midwife did to my cervix is definitely causing a reaction.

So I have to try to just let go a bit of what’s going on with James’ mom and relax into what’s happening for me. Ultimately, as rude as this may sound, she means nothing to me. Baby means everything. I have to do what’s best for me and my baby.

James and I are on the same page and I know everything is ok between us (we just had a bit of a talk about it all before his mom called, in between me writing this). I feel fortunate that James and I do have a very strong, loving relationship, and one where we are very open about communicating our feelings. So nothing was held back or stifled in our conversation. We deal with things right away. I feel a bit better that way. I just wish things could be different so the family dynamic wasn’t feeling so screwed up right at this time of baby’s impending arrival.

But whatever. At least I can find comfort in knowing that on my side of the family, baby is going to have the most loving grandparents ever! My parents are ecstatic about baby and they want nothing but the best for James and me and our new family. The support of my parents and my brother and s-i-l means so much to me, and I am lucky to have them. So at least there is a strong support – and it’s not like there aren’t people on James’ side too who are loving and supportive. So all is not lost…I just wish things could be different with James’ mom for her sake, baby’s sake, and of course James’ sake…

Anyway, wish me luck – I am having some new pains now that are making me wonder if something could be happening soon. Of course, the way I’ve been talking, I should have had this baby 2 weeks ago. LOL So who knows what’s happening really. But we’re going to be parents soon no matter what the timeline and our lives are changing…It’s all such a transition becoming a new mother and father. I’m feeling so sentimental right now. It’s the biggest life change I will ever make. And it’s scary on some levels, but truly I am so excited and happy about it. I love my baby so much already and if anything, the people in life who create problems and make life more difficult can only make us feel stronger and teach us what not to do ourselves. Baby is going to always know how much he or she is loved, cared for, wanted, and supported. And baby will always have a strong and healthy support system in life – I am going to do everything in my power to make sure of that!

I can’t believe Christmas day is over!

And still no baby…though at least this means baby doesn’t have to share his or her day with the baby Jesus – lol.

James couldn’t sleep last night – I guess the combo of excitement for Christmas and being anxious about baby was too much for him. So he got up just after 6am. Given all my aches and pains and constant need to use the bathroom, I woke up when he did and got up too. We ended up exchanging our gifts to each other before 7 in the morning!

James got me season 1 of The Jetsons (which I mentioned a while back I wanted) and something I’ve been wanting for absolute AGES – an RCMP apron! LOL It’s absolutely hilarious and awesome all rolled into one. It actually looks like a Mountie uniform, but as an apron. I love it!

I got James season 1 of 21 Jump Street and a miniature Guitar Hero (pocket size) as well as some little things, like Turkish Delight, some chocolates, and an apple corer (which makes sense even though it sounds weird!)

Neither of us had slept much so we went back to bed for about an hour and a half before we had to get up to get ready. We were going over to my parents’ hotel for 11 to meet up with them and my bro and s-i-l. We had mimosas (well, everyone else did – I had Diet Coke!) and opened prezzies. We were so spoiled! Got so much stuff – a new set of sheets, moolah, clothes and things for baby (who was supposed to be there to receive the gifts, but whatevs!), kitchen stuff, fun gag gifts, and on the list goes. My bro and s-i-l gave us a great book on baby’s first years, The Polar Express in 3-D, and a cool Rubix Cube electronic game. Lots of cool stuff! We also got money from both my grandmas and chocolates and homemade jam etc. We felt way too spoiled!

It was of course fun seeing everyone open the gifts we got them – some of which I had bought all the way back in June so it was nice to finally see the gifts being received!! Everyone seemed really happy with what they got.

We visited there for a while, then made our way to my bro and s-i-l’s so we could do a bit of a Christmas get-together including Maude. She was quite spoiled with toys – and we got her a gift certificate to her favourite pet store =) She was being as cute as always. We had some yummy snacks there and a nice visit. We couldn’t stay too long though because we had to get home – James’ mom, bro and bro’s girlfriend were coming over for just after 2pm.

They arrived and we had some snacks and talked and opened presents. N&M got us a cute little stuffed animal tiger for baby and we can go online and name our own star after baby once he or she is born! James mom gave us lots of little outfits and things she made for baby, which actually look really nice (sometimes homemade can be scary but luckily I like the stuff she made!!) We also got an album for baby photos.

We had a really nice visit and then off the three of them went. Our plan was to stay close to home for dinner since I can’t walk very well lately and don’t like the idea of being far from home. Especially with the weather we’re having – it’s quite slushy and icy out so not good for walking, and its been near impossible lately to be able to catch a taxi. So we were planning on going over to my bro and s-i-l’s for supper (my brother was cooking) and bring our own tofurky, which James was preparing =)

Then all hell broke loose with James’ mom…surprise, surprise. I won’t go into the details but things are really, really bad. I don’t know what’s going to come of it all. We weren’t actually directly involved in the breakdown of things but became involved and feel very connected to the whole ordeal now, so like it or not we have to face it. It’s the worst it’s ever been I would say, and basically she has burned some bridges. I honestly don’t know how I can even have any amount of a relationship with her at all now, it’s that bad. I don’t want to get into it but suffice it to say, it did put a major damper on our Chrismas and I resent her for it. Later in the evening we were able to salvage it though and we went over to my bro and s-i-l’s and enjoyed a plate of dinner – my bro really went all out with his cooking and made an amazing meal, and even made an eggnog cheesecake for dessert! It was amazing. We played some Christmas Bingo and did some fun Mad Libs and shared some laughs. I was happy James joined us because I felt so bad about everything that was happening with his mother. He doesn’t deserve all that he has to put up with. And it didn’t help that it was obviously making me livid and very stressed – something I should not be dealing with given that I’m about to pop and should be as calm as possible. It’s all such a huge mess but it is what it is and she has no one to blame but herself…

Anyway, we got home after 10:30 and James was zonked so off he went to bed. I managed enough mobility to get our Xmas gifts sorted under our little tree and cleaned things up a bit and now here I am! Waiting and waiting and waiting for our little peanut to decide it’s time…What a stubborn baby! I wish my uterus wasn’t so darn cozy, I want baby to realize that the outside world is going to be filled with so much love that it’s worth it to make the trek out – and SOON!! =)

Over all we had a really good day. I still can’t believe baby’s first Xmas isn’t going to be till next year – I was certain he or she would be here by now, but oh well. We had nice visits today for the most part, it’s really too bad what happened with James mom had to be an issue at all, but what can you do. At least we managed to still have some laughs and visit time with my family. Hopefully things will get better with his, at least I feel closer to his bro and gfriend…but still. So much to deal with when we really should not be put in a place of having to.

But I don’t want to focus on the negative, I need to be as stress-free as possible! So I will say that for the most part, it was a nice Christmas. I wonder what’s in store for Boxing Day? (And I don’t mean that literally – since I don’t ever shop the Boxing Day sales!) We have a midwife appointment in the afternoon – I’m HOPING baby will start coming before that but if not we can at least find out if my damn stubborn cervix is the least bit dilated yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

No news...

No baby yet!

Still waiting! Stubborn little thing :P

Merry Christmas, all the same!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Christmas baby?? Maybe...


The pains are getting stronger and I’ve had some tightening that goes away after about 10-20 seconds…although generally it’s a more constant ache (especially when I walk around) so I’m not sure if I’ve had any actual contractions yet. It’s so hard to know when you’ve never experienced them before! What pain means what?

But I can definitely tell baby is moving, and in a much different way from the usual movements of just listing from side to side or kicking. I’m feeling everything lower down and getting sharp sudden jabs in my pelvis area. I want to say I’d be surprised if things didn’t start happening soon, though I know things can always change and I could have baby inside me for a while yet. I just don’t know…

I am at a point now though where I don’t even mind if baby has to share his or her birthday with Christmas day. Sure in some ways it sucks but in all honesty I want this baby OUT and if it means coming out on Xmas, so be it. Lets face it, this is going to be one spoiled baby – he or she is never going to want for anything. Not that we’ll ruin him her with spoiling, but you know what I mean. So baby’s not going to have to be worried about ‘sharing’ Xmas and Bday – we will work something out so that baby never feels left out or gypped!

I’m trying to be more calm than I was last night. There’s no point freaking out when there’s nothing I can do, right? It’s natural to feel disappointed and anxious at this time, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel those things, but at the same time…Baby will be here soon no matter what! We are 100% guaranteed to have baby in less than 2 weeks at this point! It better flaming well not take THAT long (or induction!) to get baby here, but really, at least we know the time is near no matter what.

I’m just really surprised I went past my due date for some reason. Maybe because I was an early bloomer and I’ve always been an early person in general – not that that really has anything to do with giving birth but for some reason I just felt I’d be someone who would get to full term but deliver on time or a tad early as opposed to late. I’m not sure why I thought that. But if pregnancy has taught me anything, it’s that things are often a far cry from how you imagine them! A lot of things about pregnancy – if not most – were a surprise to me in some way, shape or form, so it’s kind of fitting that this part would be a shock to my system also!

There is definitely a lot happening down there at the moment though, and I’m taking it as a good sign that we’re going to be going into labour shortly. I wonder if it will happen on Christmas day or if baby’s going to try to hold out even longer?! It’s really hard to say. We’ll know soon enough though!

Merry Christmas!

Nope...

Sorry to disappoint - trust me, I am the most disappointed of all!!

Still waiting...I'm so frustrated. I was up almost all last night, sobbing uncontrollably and just sitting there feeling glum. It hasn't been a fun time.

Now I've got a really sore lower back and my pelvis area is extremely sore. It hurts a lot to get up and walk around - I have to hold baby up a bit. So obviously he or she has really dropped down but it doesn't seem like he or she is fully ready because I'm STILL contraction-less!

I'm pretty much beside myself.

Anyway, Merry Christmas...It doesn't feel like Xmas to me but hopefully baby will become an Xmas miracle for us =) Please send positive vibes - I'm ready for baby to be born even if the birthdate is the 25th!

Will keep you all posted =)

Still with the waiting...

Baby’s continuing on with the stubbornness. I’m not impressed!

I’ve been feeling a heaviness in my pelvis area that I wasn’t feeling before – but how much is that me wanting to feel something different, and how much has actually changed?! That I don’t know. Baby has the hiccups right now. Hasn’t been having them much recently – in fact activity has been at an all time low. Still movements each day enough not to worry that something’s wrong, but much different from before. It HAS to be soon, it just HAS to…

But it’s very frustrating not knowing when and all this waiting and wondering. KNOWING that any time I could start feeling contractions but yet still not knowing what to expect because I HAVEN’T HAD ANY YET.

Gawd, having a baby – or NOT having a baby yet – is exhausting!!! =P

And it’s snowing again and we’re supposed to get another 10-20 cm tonight apparently. Great timing!

It doesn’t feel like Xmas Eve to me at all. I feel like Xmas is still so far off. I can’t even really think about it.

And you know what’s extra annoying? Is having to listen to people’s really annoying opinions and offerings of ‘advice’ when they clearly have no idea what they’re talking about. For example, that you’ll be induced within 1 week of being overdue…not true, since my midwife just told me on Friday that if we don’t have the baby till Jan 2, they will do an u/s to make sure everything’s still ok, and the soonest they would induce would be Jan 6. That’s TWO full weeks past my due date, and she said it’s highly unlikely I would go THAT far over! And to say that the induction will cause the contractions to be so severe so fast…why bother telling a person that when it’s obviously not something they need to hear/dwell on/even consider at this point in time?? I just don’t understand some people. Always with the opinions…ever hear the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all?” I’d like to shout that out right now!!

Ugh…I just can’t stand to deal with much of anything at the moment. I need to just take care of myself and not think about all this crap.

Tonight got a bit better over time. I’m still sad baby isn’t here yet and feeling more and more uncomfortable etc…BUT James got home, we had our sarnies and chatted a bit, played a game, I had a bath. And we wrote out our own version of T’was the Night before Xmas, only our version is T’was 2 days before Xmas! It was a lot of fun and got my mind off things for a while. We wrote it about what’s been happening lately and about baby’s lateness and impending arrival. We’re planning on printing copies of it for people in our family that we included in it =)

We also watched 2 episodes of The Twilight Zone but omg were they both ever STUPID! I swear there are good episodes out there but these ones were crap.

Now James is sleeping and surprise, surprise I am still awake…Should try to get some rest though. I am SO hoping Xmas Eve is going to be THE day…

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

An (almost) overdue vent...

It’s 5:15pm on baby’s due date and STILL nothing.

I’ve tried everything I can think of, I even went over to my parents’ hotel and because it’s slushy and icy walking outside, I paced the lobby back and forth a bunch of times to get a good walk in. When I came home I put music on and tried to dance baby out of me but that didn’t cause a stir either. I had a spicy drink…nothing. There’s nothing I can do but wait. And it’s killing me.

And James’ mom arrived and expected him to go meet her to take her bags to the place she’s staying…despite that I really didn’t want to be alone. My parents offered to come over and stay with me but it’s James that I feel should be by my side right now. If labour starts HE is the one who should be here! For crying out loud! But off he went to meet up with his mom. Which I guess was the better alternative to her coming over here tonight since I am not at all up for a visit where I’d have to put on a happy face, since I am truly not happy at this point in time.

So I did everything I could think of, pacing the apartment for more exercise, like I said the dancing (even though I didn’t FEEL like dancing!), had a bubble bath, dusted the nursery, sat and had some juice, napped but only slept for probably 20 minutes or so…then I got up and James still wasn’t home even though he said he’d only be gone an hour or two. I thought I’d go make myself some supper since I’m starving and haven’t eaten all afternoon but I opened the fridge and just burst into tears because I feel sorry for myself. It’s my due date, and I’m supposed to come up with a supper plan?! What the hell is up with that?! So I sat down and collected myself and then texted James to find out when he’d be home and mentioned that while I didn’t mean to be bothering him during his visit, I was feeling very sad and pacing around and didn’t want to be alone. Well a minute later he calls and he’s in the middle of a conversation with his mom or brother or both obviously and he’s laughing hysterically and then comes on the line and goes, “How ya feeling babe?” Umm, I think I just told you in a text message how I’m feeling, did I not? I tell you, MEN! Sometimes they just don’t think before they act or talk. A lot of times actually. I find it extremely annoying. I’ve gone through all these months of growing baby and dealing with absolutely everything and now I am sitting here on my nest egg waiting desperately for it to hatch while he is out gallivanting and laughing his head off like he doesn’t have a care in the world and I can’t help but feel angry and resentful about it.

Obviously I am beyond feeling ready to pop and I just can’t help but feel negative about a lot of things at the moment. James is a great guy and a wonderful support, it’s not like I’m intending to put him down completely here, but I think it’s a soon-to-be mom’s prerogative to feel pissed off and tired when it comes to the due date and nothing has happened. And I think the man who put the woman in this position should be there for her at all times, and if she wants it, to be at her beck and call!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But hey, that’s just me…

I think I could be very bitchy during labour. I’m going to try to be as calm as possible, but the way I am feeling right now, I’d say WATCH OUT! =D

Anyway, hubby is now on his way home and picking me up my favourite Baguette Time sandwich on his way apparently, so I guess he’s going to try to suck up to me. I haven’t been rude to him or told him what a jack-assy thing it seemed to me to be laughing on the phone when he knows how upset I am…I’m going to try to just bite my tongue. That’s what the blog is for, to vent, right?! So I’ll leave it at that.

I just need baby! I wanted baby to have a decent birthdate, not Xmas Eve or Xmas day. Or after that because I am already miserable, how can I go even LONGER than that waiting like this?! But if baby comes soon it’s going to be Xmas Eve or day. There is pretty much zero chance of baby being born today unless a miracle happens and I go into labour as soon as I post this. Even then it would be unlikely, given a 6 hr labour is much shorter than most for the first time around...Baby isn't coming when I thought he or she would, that's pretty much all there is to it =(

OK I’ll go cry myself a river now, I’m a sad sack, I know.

Come on baby, this isn’t funny anymore!

Due date

Well it's baby's due date but it seems to me he or she is being stubborn and likes the warm comforts of mommy's belly and doesn't want to come out and bare the cold of winter!

Who knows, it could happen suddenly. Right??

But so far, nothing. Nada.

Am I mentally stable?

No, at this point insanity has taken over.

Couple the waiting game with the fact that my m-i-l arrives this afternoon from Halifax for 2 weeks...

Sorry, I shouldn't say that...but there has been some tension over the past few days with her and James' brother and I'm concerned about how much that stuff will rub off on us while she's here. We have a long history of issues and I just can't deal with any issues right now. I'm doing my best to remain calm about the whole thing. I was just really hoping baby would be a few days early so we'd be able to get settled to some degree before her arrival and I wouldn't be so freaked out about EVERYTHING!

I did have more period-like cramps last night and a back ache but by this morning all of that was gone and it's like a normal day of being 10,000 years pregnant...

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I can't handle this. Why can't baby be ready to come out? My stupid damn uterus, I feel like it's failing me! Why won't it contract?! lol

Oh well, at this point I am ready to feel severe pain so maybe this is all for the better. I was scared of labour before. And yes of course I'm not actually looking FORWARD to the pain of it...but at this point I say bring it on, at least HURT is going to mean BABY.

Looks like either way we're going to be in the hospital on Christmas day though :S

I'll keep you posted on my progress - if there ever is any!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

Nope, nada...

Still nothing. I don't want to talk about it. I'm just waiting. There's nothing else I can do. I can't sleep, and last night I found myself just pacing back and forth between the kitchen and living room in the middle of the night. I threw up too - most likely just from nerves.

I'm trying to stay calm for baby's sake! I'm just so anxious - I want him or her here NOW!!

But so far I haven't had any more signs that it's going to be happening right away. Tomorrow is our due date so we'll see what happens...

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Constant butterflies...

James is watching a movie but I can’t concentrate. I told him, “I have to go write something on my blog, or people are going to be thinking I’ve given birth today!” LOL

Yeah, still no baby. Am I bummed about that? YES!! I SO wanted baby to be born today. But oh well, he or she is in control, so what can I do?! And it’s not like we’re past our due date so I know I should have more patience =P

Today was fairly low-key, seeing as its been snowing a blizzard since last night. We NEVER get this kind of weather around here – and now, when we need to know we’ll easily be able to get to the hospital when need be, it’s insane weather out there. Baby is going to have quite the birth story to listen to over the years! We’re supposed to (apparently) get another 30 cm of snow by tomorrow, which is waaaay too much given we already have a fair bit.

We did go over to the hotel for a little while to see my parents today, but just for a while. I wouldn’t want to walk there alone, I had to hold onto James to make sure I didn’t slip.

Beyond spending a bit of time with my parents, I napped today and did a few chores around the house. And waited and waited for baby to give me the signal but it still hasn’t happened. I feel totally freaked out – just 2 days till our due date, I could start having signs ANY time…it’s a scary feeling! Probably the most scary feeling ever. Yet there’s also this strange calm that comes over me about it, because I know I have to feel the pain in order to have what I want: my baby out of my belly! So it’s kind of a mixture of please bring on the pain, I need the pain to get where I want to be…and then on the other hand thinking OMG I’m not prepared for this, how am I supposed to do this?!?!?!

Constant butterflies in my belly, and it’s not baby fluttering about because there’s no room for that now!

Maybe tomorrow will be the day…

Will today be the day?...

Still no sign of baby…But I am REALLY hoping it’s going to be tomorrow – or should I say today now that it’s after midnight (so, the 21st). The first doctor I went to, my old family dr in Nanaimo, said his prediction was the 21st. He didn’t try to chart out my due date based on anything, it was just his guess. All the other doctors and midwives had to use charts to try to figure out when I’d be due and they were all saying Dec 14 or 15…the ultrasound of course is meant to be the most accurate – the 23rd – and the 21st is closest to that date. So I am just hopeful that it’s going to be THE day and the first doctor will be proven to be right!!!!!!!!!!!! Cross your fingers for me!!!

Today was mostly spent just relaxing. I felt SO tired this morning. In the afternoon I got together with my mom for a short while, then came home for a bit, and my parents both came over for dinner. My dad is FINALLY here for the rest of the holidays! After dinner my parents and I went over to my bro and s-i-l’s for a bit of a visit. On the walk back it was snowing a blizzard out there. My parents are getting super protective of me for baby’s sake so they wouldn’t let me walk without holding my dad’s arm and my mom’s hand. We must have looked like a real sight, me waddling down the street and clutching onto them! How ridiculous.

James gave me a nice shoulder rub tonight – apparently I’m really tense, though aren’t I always is what I reminded him! And I got a foot rub too =) After a nice hot bubble bath. I do feel kind of tired now so I might try to get to sleep earlier than my usual. If baby comes I want to have had a bit of sleep beforehand!

I know the odds are I won’t give birth in the next 24 hours although I’m trying to think positive that I will. I am desperate for baby now, I seriously can’t stand the waiting game anymore! And I feel bigger than ever – today I could barely even get my socks on, and sometimes when I’m changing into my pj’s, James has to help me to get my pants off because I have no coordination and can’t reach down all the way. It’s too much! I just want baby in my arms already, and some mobility back!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Getting closer...

I had my midwife appt today – I’m hoping the last one, although there’s one booked for the 26th should I go past my due date…something I desperately hope doesn’t happen…

Baby’s head is fully engaged now! So that’s a good sign…and apparently the period cramping feelings I’ve been having are a good sign that things are progressing. My cervix is still fully closed, although that doesn’t necessarily mean anything…

Baby’s heartbeat was as strong as ever and everything seems good – now it’s just dealing with the wait. I’ve been having a LOT of very heavy pushes down tonight and stabbing pains in my bladder area more and more so hopefully that means baby is going to want to come out VERY soon. Like as in this weekend would be really nice (baby, are you listening?!)

I am so freaking ready I can’t stand it.

My dad is on his way over tomorrow so I feel like baby can come any time now and it would be good – everyone would be here who needs to be.

I spent most of the day with my mom again today. She suggested I spend the morning/early afternoon before my appt just resting at home and then we’d meet up to go to the midwife together. BUT I ended up not relaxing at all because I went on a frenzy cleaning the apartment! It all started when Fiona threw up all over the carpet and it was going to leave a huge nasty stain so I had to get out the carpet cleaner and actually wash that part of the carpet with the machine. Then I decided to wash the tile floors, vacuum, dust, clean the kitchen, the bathroom. It was nuts! I got everything done and thought how ridiculous it was – I wasn’t relaxing one bit! I was happy to be getting stuff done, but still…So to prevent myself from going on even more of a tear around the apartment in cleaning mode, I went over to the hotel and sat with my mom. Then N brought Maude for a little visit – that dog is sooooo cute she’s beyond words!!

We had some lunch, my mom and I, then went to my appt. After which I went and got some evening primrose oil, which apparently is good for helping to soften the cervix – at this point I am willing to try anything! So hopefully it will help. And quickly!!!

I came home, had a bit of a rest and spent some time with James (who is sooo happy to be finished work for a few weeks!), then we all (my mom, bro, s-i-l, James and me) met up at the hotel lounge for a last hurrah for me since I won’t be able to go there anymore, at least not for a while, and not with baby! Just got home a little while ago, started some laundry and James went to bed. I’m feeling kind of tired so I’ll go to bed soon but I have to wait for my clothes to dry =)

Baby is rolling about at the moment. I want to know so badly when it’s going to be time! The suspense is killing me!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Everyone's waiting for baby!

Spent the day with my mom. We had brunch with my grandma and uncle at the hotel. After that we went and had a hot drink and then spent most of the afternoon in my mom’s room. Watched some TV (Party of 5!) and then I fell asleep. I actually slept for about an hour, sprawled out on the couch covered in fleece blankets =) It was good for me, I needed it. I kept waking myself up snoring though, which is crazy because I am NOT a snorer! It’s pregnancy-related, I’m sure of it!

Had a bite of supper with my mom and hung out at our apartment for a while, spent a bit of time with James before heading back to the hotel. My mom and I spent some time at the lounge and chatted. Its been nice having this quality time together.

I’m so uncomfortable though. More and more all the time. Lots of period-like cramps, a pressing down feeling, tightness. Baby’s arrival is imminent. At least that’s how I’m feeling. I am so ready and actually starting to feel slightly desperate to get things started. I’m too uncomfy, I can’t go on like this much longer! Baby better decide it’s time SOON!

I have an appt tomorrow with my midwife so if things haven’t started yet by then at least I can find out if I’m at all dilated yet. Last week I wasn’t, I’m SO hoping the answer this week will be that I am! It doesn’t necessarily mean anything since it could happen suddenly anyway but it’d be nice to know things are already happening. Wish me luck!!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I keep dreaming that I’m scaling walls and hiking impossible terrain.



Nothing but anxiety now. And excitement. I hate waiting around for things. I know it’s good to be able to just go with it as to when things happen – what will be will be, blah blah…but…At this stage waiting longer just doesn’t seem fair! I don’t even have anything to read about – I got so used to checking out the weekly updates of ‘what’s happening’ during this stage of pregnancy. Now even those are just filler, because there’s nothing left. Baby might pack on a little more fat, and yes his or her immune system can continue to build up, but beyond that baby’s just wasting time in there! Just keeping all warm bundled up in utero not realizing that the rest of us out here are so anxious to meet him or her! Come on out baby! We want to play!!

To pass some time...

Are you dating anyone currently?
My husband is my date to most, if not all, events =)

Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
James has =)

What song is stuck in your head?
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays by Nsync!

Someone knocks on your window at 2 am, who do you want it to be?
No one – given we’re on the 9th floor I’d be a bit frightened to have someone knocking on the window!

Are your eyes the same color as your mom's or dad's?
Same as both since they both have blue eyes, but probably closer in hue to my mom’s!

Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?
Yes!

What makes you laugh?
All the silly things that James says!

What did you do today?
Hung out with my mom and tried to relax.

Do you think too much or too little?
I’d say waaaay too much!

Where's the shirt from that you're wearing?
Motherhood Maternity, and it’s a nursing nightgown, not a shirt!

Are there things you can't live without?
If people count as ‘things’ I would say my family! I can’t live without love either, but that also goes with the territory of family for me…

What was your first thought when you looked in the mirror this morning?
Whoa, baby is BIG!

Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night for sure, always have been.

Have you ridden in someone else's car today?
No.

Are you a cuddler?
Yes, I love to cuddle!

Who did you last go out to eat with?
Me ma =)

Any winter plans for 2008?
Oh I dunno, I thought I would give birth to my first born child =D

What did you eat for lunch today?
A cheese and tomato panini and garden salad. It was tasty!

The last song you heard?
Some Celtic song James was playing, I don’t know who it was though…It wasn’t really my kind of music, truthfully.

How's your life lately?
Amazing…tiring…overwhelming…exciting!

Do you know anyone that is currently locked up?
Not personally…

Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?
In September, cherry tomatoes at my parents’ house – yum!

When is the last time you took a nap?
Early this evening.

Have you kissed anyone in the last month?
Umm, yes, obviously!

Do you have curly hair?
No, my hair is VERY straight.

Someone just handed you $100,000, now what?
I’d be debt free...and I’d most likely be putting a down payment on a place to live!

Tears are falling down your face, whats the reason?
Pregnancy hormones! Or the blues I’m apparently going to feel once baby gets here while my hormones settle and go back to ‘normal’…

You've won free gas for 5 years, Now what?
Can I give it away, given I don’t have a car?!

When someone calls you in the middle of the night, do you remember the conversation?
I don’t take too well to middle of the night phone calls…It better be an emergency, that’s all I can say!

Is it easy for someone to make you smile?
Yes, usually.

What are you doing tomorrow?
I’d like to give birth! But the plan is to go out for lunch, then just rest and relax and continue waiting for baby to let me know it’s time…

When did you last receive some money?
When I got my last pay cheque…

Meet anyone new this year?
I’m about to meet the most precious person in the world to me – my baby!

How many hours did you sleep for last night?
Definitely not enough – probably around 4 hours.

Name someone you know whose name begins with a C?
Cheryl.

Have you recently been pressured to do something?
I guess there are always pressures but I can’t think of anything specific really…

Do you miss anything or anyone?
Yes, I wish my dad was over already for the holidays with my mom!

Hows life?
It’s pretty amazing, I have to say!

Still waiting...

My mood improved for most of the day. I got together with my mom. I had a really yummy Eggnog latte (NOT from Starbucks – I don’t like theirs) and we had lunch together. When we arrived at the restaurant I told my mom I had to go to the bathroom, which was true but I also wanted to go buy her a necklace she had been admiring in the display window of the gift shop. So I went there first and got it, then used the bathroom…So by the time I got back to the restaurant she was a little antsy, wondering what took me so long since I never take long to go use the toilet! She was envisioning me doubled over in the bathroom in labour – lol. This whole waiting game is getting to everyone!!

I gave my mom the necklace and then she knew what had taken me so long. She loved it and it looks so nice on her. I told her to think of it as a gift from me AND baby =)

It was quite the winter wonderland out there today. We couldn’t venture out anywhere because it was just too miserable out with all the snow. After lunch we went to my mom’s room and hung out, watched Party of Five and some other TV shows. Then had a short visit with my grandma and uncle, who were over for the Canucks game (and raising of Trevor Linden’s jersey). We’re getting together with them tomorrow for lunch.

Just after 5 I was feeling zonked and hungry so I came home and had a bite to eat and a nap before James got home. The weather was too crummy to go back out so I had a bath and got into my jammies and we just hung around. We finished our Christmas puzzle, I’ll have to take a picture of it.

So today baby wasn’t quite as active as usual. Definitely movements but not as many maybe as what I’m used to. And a little later in the day I felt baby jabbing my bladder repeatedly again…More period-like cramping. But those are the only signs. I have been feeling exhausted by it, I just really REALLY want to do this now and be done with it and have baby here. I truly am at the end of my rope with it, it’s TIME! I know it, so why doesn’t baby act on it?!?! Still 5 days till our due date, please cross your fingers that it happens early, or if it has to on time, but NOT late!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Anxious much?

I’m feeling really emotional now. I had a horrible sleep last night and I’m just uncomfortable and antsy and I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

When the jabs in my bladder were really getting to me, I suddenly got this strong desire to do some last minute nesting. I hate the idea of there being even the slightest mess when ‘it’s time’ so I’ve been trying to keep things as tidy as possible. Part of my reasoning is not wanting to come home from the hospital to any mess, since I won’t feel like cleaning at that point. But another reason is that most likely we’ll be giving our keys to my parents so they can drop by if they need to – either to pick things up that I may have forgotten to take with me, or to maybe feed the cats (although I’ll fill their bowls up before we go so they’re fine on their own for a few days anyway). Even though my parents know we keep a clean house anyway and would never judge my tidiness given they know what I’m like! But still, it’s just the type of person I am, I hate the idea of leaving a mess behind.

Plus I guess there is some sort of pregnancy nesting instinct that just can’t really be helped. And last night I got this sudden burst of energy where I just had to get a few things cleaned. I also found it helped with the jabs to be moving around – I still got them but they got less intense and then FINALLY I think baby went to sleep =P

I went to bed just after 2 and tossed and turned for what felt like hours. I remember opening my eyes and thinking it has GOT to be at least 6 or 7 so maybe I should just get up now and be done with it and I looked at the clock and it wasn’t even yet 3am! It felt like torture lying there not able to sleep, yet I was too tired to get up and do anything. My belly was so uncomfortable, it was so hard to roll over even though I felt the need to do so often. With even what seems to be slight period-like cramping, the pain often goes into my thighs and sometimes all down my legs – they just ache and ache and it’s impossible to sleep through that.

Maybe part of me feels a bit sorry for myself this morning. I know millions of women have been through this before and it’s not like I can’t handle it, but I guess I’m just at the end of my rope and I’m tired of waiting and wondering. I don’t know, I can’t quite explain how I feel at the moment. Just very emotional, and I hate being so emotional. I hate crying suddenly without warning. It’s not ‘me’ to be like that! I hate feeling so vulnerable.

I was a bit grumpy when I got up but I had wanted to spend time with James before he went off to work. My grumpiness came out by me shrugging a lot to his questions and not really talking (unusual for me when it’s me and James!) and then I will admit I was being a bit short with him. Not because I was mad at him, just because I was tired and frustrated. He wasn’t rude to me – all he said was that maybe I should go back to bed if I was so unhappy. Well I just started bawling after he said that! I couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t his fault the tears came, I think it’s sleep deprivation and anxiety. And knowing I’m going to be so much further sleep deprived than this once baby’s here worries me just a tad.

I have to keep telling myself that James’ last day of work is this Friday. And then he won’t be going back to work till January 12th, so we will have a good chunk of time together and when baby comes he will be with me and everything’s going to be fine. Maybe part of me wishes he could be with me today though, because I really could have used some rubs and some more words of encouragement and just knowing he’s here even if I go back to bed and am sleeping. I’m needy I guess is the point! But I also know with just 3 days of work left for that many weeks is probably stressful for him – not that he isn’t happy to be focusing on baby soon and not work (he’s ecstatic!), but because he has so much prep to do for taking that time off given that he’s the manager of the office. I do understand that, I just wish the circumstances could be different.

And it doesn’t really help that it’s snowing an absolute blizzard out there. Did I mention before I don’t have a jacket that fits me?! I didn’t want to spend close to $200 on a maternity coat when I knew I wouldn’t get THAT much use out of it, so I only bought a vest and it’s proving to not be warm enough obviously, especially given that I am now down to only one long sleeved shirt that fits me to go under the vest =S I also only have 1 pair of shoes that fit and they’re canvas! Did you know that since the ligaments stretch out for the uterus, the body doesn’t leave it at that and expands ligaments elsewhere too – such as in the feet? So all my other shoes that don’t stretch at all feel way too tight to wear – not to mention I don’t have any good bad-weather-shoes ANYWAY…but yeah canvas with no traction on the soles doesn’t really mix well with snow fall. So I feel trapped in the apartment. I want to move around because I’ve heard people say they went into labour after going on a long walk…or at the very least enjoyed getting out and shopping a bit or just being OUT somewhere on their last days before baby. But where can I go in this? Nowhere fast is what I’m thinking…

I’m a sad sack, I know! I’ll snap out of it, I know that also. And I’m sure all these feelings are perfectly normal. There’s a side of me that’s looking at all of this very rationally and then there’s the side that’s just tired and moody…I’m all over the place! I am just so anxious to meet my baby.

At least my mom is around so I can spend some time with her today and try to keep my mind off things…

Baby's quilt!

Finally, after going on and on and on...and on...about it - baby's cross stitch quilt is not only completed but it successfully made it through its first wash without any thread dyes bleeding and ruining the whole thing! =)

I am soooo happy with it...The pictures don't do it justice - but there was a LOT of intricate detail involved and I love the way it came together. It's not often I do a project that I feel so thrilled about, but this took a LOT of hours - I would honestly say close to if not 100 hours of stitching, I'm not kidding!
I think the Panda is my favourite...
And now I must go because baby is pressing SO hard on my bladder I feel like it's going to explode...It's getting more and more intense...

I'm glad I finished the quilt when I did because I think baby's going to be here soon!! =)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

If these bladder jabs are killing me, what's labour going to do??!!!!!

Today I met up with my mom for a coffee. I enjoy a Chai Latte at Christmas time! For some reason I think of it as a seasonal drink, even though I know it doesn’t have to be.

We hung out for most of the day, came back to the apartment for a late lunch. After which my mom went back to the hotel and I had a short nap and got a bit of laundry done. I met up with her again in time to also get together with my aunt and uncle, then James arrived, then my bro and s-i-l. It was nice to have a family get-together like that! We just hung out at the hotel lounge and had some drinks and food and talked. It was fun! I feel like it’s a good time to be maximizing the social times like this since once baby’s here we won’t be frequenting lounges!

Baby was fairly active today, mostly just sort of rolling from left to right. I had a bit of period-like cramping while we were out and then as soon as we got up to leave I started feeling the pushing on my bladder feeling again. It comes and goes but it’s sure strong when it’s happening. I have to do breathing exercises through it, it’s that intense. I am feeling like baby is that much closer to arrival with this happening…I’d say baby is dropping more and more. I am so ready now I could scream! I just want to get this labour over with and have baby here! I’m torn though because I know my dad really wants to get over here before it happens so I want to try for his sake to wait till the weekend but in some ways I’d be pretty happy if baby came sooner. And my dad would make his way over a bit early, it would just mean closing work up a few days in advance of when he’d planned to…

As I’m writing this I’m getting some very strong feelings in my lower belly/pelvis area. To the point that my breath is almost taken away! It’s stronger each time…It could still be a while before baby decides it’s time, and I know that…these are all signs labour is close but it doesn’t mean it’s going to be immediate. But I’m telling you, it has GOT to be soon!!!

I want to meet you, baby!

Sleep is a thing of the past…

We are down to the last week of counting down! JUST ONE WEEK!!

I am officially insane from the anticipation =)

I had another horrible sleep last night. Come on baby, I’ve given up on trying to catch some zzz’s before your arrival – hurry up and let me know it’s time!

I’ve been emailing back and forth with the couple from our prenatal class who gave birth a week and a half ago to a beautiful baby boy. I guess thinking about their little one got into my head and last night I had a dream about them. It was so strange because (in the dream) I was reading this message from the mom and she was talking about the baby as if it were a girl, but I knew it was supposed to be a boy. As I read further I found out what had happened: they had indeed given birth to a boy, but he had morphed into a girl! Basically she was sitting there watching him sleep when all of a sudden his body contracted much like the uterus does during a labour contraction and he turned into a baby girl who they called Eileen. Then she was going on about how they loved their boy but she preferred girls because they weren’t in general as oppressive as men and she didn’t have anything against any women in particular, but she did against men. I was trying to point out that having a boy could mean raising him to not be oppressive and help give men a better name, but I was happy for her if it was a girl that she wanted. It was all very strange. I woke up feeling slightly frazzled. As I have been from every dream lately it seems…

I think it’s time. Baby will decide for sure but I’m done! The bun is cooked and I’m ready to take the baking out of the oven =)

Another late night...

Last night we had my parents and bro and s-i-l over. I made a yummy pizza dip (which I meant to post the recipe for ages back but didn’t…and still won’t because I’m too lazy at this point but one day I will!) I also popped some hor d'oeuvres in the oven. At this point it’s got to be easy to prepare or I can’t do it! Not that my family even expects me to be doing anything like that but it’s nice to put some snacks out when people are over!

I just wish we had a bit of a bigger place. Our living room is so small and when we have more than 2 people over it feels crammed and seating is an issue. One day we’ll have a bigger layout! We’ll have to, because baby won’t fit here for very long. Baby doesn’t even have a closet for crying out loud! Not sure what we were thinking when we moved here, especially since we KNEW we wanted to start a family in the relatively near future once we moved last time…If only we knew we’d be pregnant within about 3 weeks of moving in – HA! It was planned but who knew it would happen so fast?!? But it’s ok for now – I do love this place for many reasons and baby’s little nursery will be just the right size for the first while.

We actually have a lead (thanks to my s-i-l) on a 2 bedroom condo that might be up for grabs - to rent, not buy – it’s on the market for sale but we can’t afford a down payment to buy anything so we’re hoping it goes off the market because the owners would likely be willing to rent it to us if it doesn’t sell before the end of January. I think they’d be wanting to rent it out in March, and I wasn’t planning on moving that soon from this place but if it turns out to be a good deal it might make sense. I love imagining us in a 2 bedroom place that actually has 2 floors! We’ve never lived in a place with 2 floors (not since living at home I mean). I like the idea of it, it’d feel more like a proper house somehow and not a little apartment. But first things first – I can’t be thinking too much about moving when I’m about to have a baby!

Anyway…

Last night I managed to get close to 6 hours of sleep, a record for me lately! My parents came over later this morning and my dad did a few ‘handyman’ chores for me. Including fixing our fibre optic Christmas tree so it no longer simulates the sound of a helicopter flying overhead! I don’t know how he does it but he can fix pretty much anything, and he makes it look so easy!

We went out for lunch – I ordered a half big salad – it felt like a Seinfeld moment! Even the half order of the big salad was more than I could eat! It was good though. We went back to my parents’ hotel room and hung out there a while before we had to walk my dad to the bus since he had to go back to Nanaimo for work. Then my mom and I parted ways – she insisted I go home and have a nap. I resisted at first but I think it’s a good thing that I did. It was James’ company Xmas dinner party tonight so with going out and socializing it was probably good for me to rest a bit first. I slept for about an hour and when my alarm went off, the radio was playing Everything by Michael Buble – James and my wedding song =) I felt like that was a good omen.

The Xmas dinner went well. I so wanted to dress up but I literally cannot stand wearing anything but my stretchy pants now and a comfy shirt. I tried dressing up but I think I looked miserable because I wasn’t comfy and James said if I felt better in my stretchy pants I should be wearing those…so I tore off my ‘dressier’ pants and went for comfort =) At this stage in the game, who’s going to judge?! I feel like I’ve really let myself go but on the other hand it’s not my fault, it’s baby’s!!!

So the dinner was good – we went to Salathai…I think I am ok with the fact that we’re not going to be able to go there anymore or at least not for a while given baby…I’ve loved that place for so long and don’t get me wrong, the food was still delicious, but the service was SO bad this time that if that had been my first ever impression of the place I’d have vowed to never go back. I’ve never experienced anything like it. But what was kind of cool was reminiscing and James and I realized it was 3 years ago tomorrow (today now, since it’s after midnight) that we got engaged in that very restaurant! Dec 16th, 2005. I can’t believe it was 3 years ago – it feels like yesterday!

It was fun hanging out with James’ cronies. It’s a little awkward in some ways though, we’re all very VERY different. But still, we all get along, and it was nice to get out for a meal and have some laughs – and a bonus to not have to pay for any of it!! James and I shared the usual dishes we like to get when we go there. Everyone was of course splurging on drinks…well I ordered a mango juice and it was actually EXTREMELY delicious!

That was our big night out…Thankfully we were able to catch a taxi both there and back. It’s SO cold out – especially for me given I don’t have a proper jacket! So, so cold. And very icy. If not for the ice I might not mind it as much but I HATE walking on ice. I really wish it was milder out – I think this cold snap is a record for us here somehow. Rarely does it ever get below freezing, and I know I sound like a total wimp about it but I can’t help it, I just am not equipped for this type of weather – nor do I want to be! I could never live anywhere colder than here I’m afraid…

Tomorrow (or today, depending how you look at it) we’re getting together with my aunt and uncle in the evening. Beyond that I’ll probably spend some quality time with my mom, and at some point nap most likely…nothing too major! Just waiting and waiting and waiting some more for baby to decide it’s time…Part of me feels like nesting more but in all honesty another part is telling me I’m all nested out! I really don’t have anything more I need to do! It’s so funny though – James said he’s really noticed more of a nesting instinct in me than ever the past few days. I’ve always loved nesting even pre-pregnancy but he said it’s definitely getting more intense because the other night he was sitting watching a movie and I actually took the blanket off the couch that he was USING and folded it all up and placed it neatly on the back of the couch! I left the room and he was sitting there shivering wondering what happened to his blanket! I guess I saw it and thought this looks messy so I cleaned it up! LOL

Good times, good times!

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Baby’s still in there…for now!



I’ve been having a lot of period-like cramping and I’ve been feeling baby pressing on my bladder more and more. When I saw my parents today my mom said baby has definitely dropped since she saw me last because the top part of my belly is down farther than before and the rest looks more filled out.

I am feeling so anxious now. I feel like it could happen any time. Of course, it could still take another few weeks even though our due date is in a week and a half. One never knows! But I just feel so ready and like it’s going to be soon for some reason, but I guess I don’t really know that for sure. Wishful thinking, maybe?!

Because it’s going to happen soon no matter what, I think part of me is just so completely wrought up about it that I’m maybe thinking I am showing more signs of it than I am?! The cramping might be Braxton Hicks, or it might be that I am creating tension there because of how freaked out I feel when I get to thinking about all of this unfolding.

It’s a very crazy time right now! I don’t know how much more of this I can take, and that’s probably why I’m now thinking, ok baby, let’s do this! Work with me now!!

It’s so freaking cold outside. Not as cold as it could be, I have never experienced colder weather than probably -10 or -15 in my whole entire life! But ‘cold’ for what we’re used to here. I am freezing and hate going outside now. Especially given that the snow that turned to slush has now turned to ice. And there’s a lot of it. And again, my shoes have no traction. Plus I don’t have a jacket that fits me, just a vest, and it’s not proving to be warm enough.

I hate winter weather! Bring on the sunshine and warmth, I say!

We’re going to have my parents over in a while. I can finally show them my COMPLETED cross stitch! (Which I have yet to wash…I’m scared to – what if it gets ruined?!)

I’m happy to be in for the night. I’m zonked. Hopefully I’ll be able to get a bit of sleep before baby does actually decide it’s time. Right now if I went into labour I think I’d be feeling exhausted by it a little too early on, given I only slept about 3 hours last night. But who knows if I’ll get much more rest – I’m so freaking anxious, it’s ridiculous.

Where does the time go?! I can't believe it's December 14th already.

I really should be sleeping, given I didn’t get to sleep till around 3am and I got up at 6:30…I really should try to get as much rest as I can while I can! But it’s so much easier said than done.

First of all, I started having some really bad pains last night. Basically it’s baby moving on down, because it’s stabbing pains in my bladder from time to time. The midwife said at my last appt that it’s normal to feel that as baby is pushing on my bladder as he or she makes his or her way further into my pelvis. So I am thinking baby is dropped, or dropping more and more. Which is a good sign that he or she will be on the way soon – although we all know that’s the case anyway given our due date is right around the corner!

I am tempted to start wanting baby out ASAP now that my parents are going to be on their way over (today). My dad’s only here overnight but my mom is staying on till the new year (in Vancouver, not actually at our apartment since it’s so small). Of course, if baby is on the way my dad will stay longer or come back right away so he can meet his new grandchild!

But yeah, I am ready now I think…just all the aches and pains collectively – it would be nice to be working on getting my body back (to some degree) and having baby to dote on outside of my uterus! It’s still a scary thought and I know the adjustments are going to be HUGE and exhausting – but so amazing at the same time. I feel like laughing and crying, jumping for joy (if I could jump these days!) and freaking out all at the same time. It’s a lot to take on and it worries me but I also know how wonderful and rewarding it will be. We’re going to be meeting baby very soon!

Anyway…then through the night I had some terrible nightmares. One in particular that I seemed to fall back into each time I woke up and drifted back off. It’s a hard one to explain but it was dreadful…

Basically I was sitting in my car (that I had in high school) in this parking lot and I noticed this man who looked like some sort of electrician (given the equipment he was putting in the back of his truck) racing around. He seemed kind of frantic and I wasn’t sure if I should chalk it up to an emergency or maybe a slight bit of craziness on his part. I was a bit concerned but didn’t think there was any reason to really worry too much. I drove away, headed up the street, then pulled over for some reason. I don’t know why I did, but I had some reason for it. The man went driving past and up ahead something went totally awry. Basically there was some kind of huge vehicle (and when I’m talking huge it was like the size of a cruise ship) (remember, this is from a dream so of course it made sense then but doesn’t now!) The guy had to drive up onto these things that would basically turn his truck into a sort of tanker…And then apparently he’d be able to prevent the cruise ship-like vehicle from swerving into the area and killing people without getting hurt doing so…Only suddenly something split down the middle of the wheel things he was going to have to drive onto and he didn’t make it…so he could have swerved out of the way himself to avoid hitting the ship, but instead in a split second decision he did something with his truck and went flying along in an effort to prevent the ship from colliding with other cars/homes/etc. He succeeded in stopping the ship BUT he was instantly killed.

And it seemed as though I was getting his perspective of the whole ordeal, as well as mine, as well as a newscaster’s version. I kept having to watch the scene over and over as if watching a news clip on television. And I even fell back into the dream and saw it again!

It was terrible and I just had this horrible feeling each time I woke up and thought about this guy sacrificing his life for everyone – which was a very noble thing to do but so sad at the same time. Especially since he was just a city worker who really shouldn’t have had to feel obligated to end his life, yet he did it for the good of the people.

It was weird too, watching the news feature of it, because you could see me pull over on the side of the road and then right up ahead the accident happened. I felt way too close and involved in the whole thing, like I just narrowly escaped getting killed myself.

After a series of dreams like that, I just couldn’t get back to sleep again. So that’s why I’m here, awake once again when I should be taking up on one of my last nights of being able to sleep without a baby to contend with!

But oh well, that seems to be the way of it.

While I’m here…

Yesterday (Saturday) I went to the pet store with my bro, s-i-l and Maude as they were having a Christmas party and Maude had been invited =) It was so cute – they had her dressed in her Christmas bandana and she was so happy to race around with the other dogs. I think there were about 5 French Bulldogs there, 2 English Bulldogs and then a couple of others. They even had a doggie Merry Christmas cake for all the pups to enjoy! Maude had a field day.

After that I came home and James and I made our way to Sears, The Bay, and London Drugs to look for a new Christmas tree. Our tree is small and fibre optic. We’ve had it since 2000 and we love our little tree! It’s just the perfect size for us and we absolutely adore the fibre optic aspect of it! But this year when I turned it on, it started making quite a loud noise in the motor. I think it’s just old and past its prime. James took the base apart but it doesn’t look like there’s anything that can be done to make the noise stop. Since I can’t stand it, our tree has been looking a tad on the boring side with just a few ornaments but no lights! So we went in search of a new tree, hopefully very similar to the one we’ve had all these years. (Unfortunately the company it was made by folded 2 years ago after 50 years in business so we can’t just replace it for the same tree again – which we’d do in a heartbeat if we could!) Anyway, we found nothing. All the trees out there are either way too big for our needs or way too ugly and expensive. Nothing was fibre optic. We were a bit saddened.

After looking at the trees we decided to go for lunch at Milestone’s. We didn’t have any other shopping to do and I was glad because it’s so ridiculously busy out. But I was proud of myself – I didn’t let myself get on edge because of all the crowds and people who would normally get right on my nerves! Normally at this time of year if I had to go out and battle the pre-Christmas crowds I’d have a few drinks and make rather merry before the outing to make it less frustrating, but of course this year with baby that’s not an option! (In Sears they had a display set up where they were offering free glasses of wine and I was actually asked if I’d like one! I pointed at my belly and said I don’t think so! Gawd, as if at this point it’s not freaking obvious I’m preggo!) Anyway…lunch was nice. We have been eating out a little more lately than our usual because everyone we know who has kids already tells us to go on as many dates as possible and eat out and do things we like now because once baby arrives we won’t have so many options and we won’t be going out like that for a while!

We came home after that and I had a nice hot bubble bath – sooo relaxing after being out in the freezing cold – and we had a nap and then got up and took care of some chores. We also worked on our Christmas puzzle, and by that time it had started to snow! And not just a few flakes like we’d normally get, it was actually sticking. Which worried me a bit given my parents are set to come over today and they are getting so much snow (way more than here) in Nanaimo so I don’t want this to be a sign that they won’t be able to make it over. My dad drives fine in the snow but between Nanaimo and Vancouver we’re not equipped somehow to deal with much snow and sometimes ferries get cancelled and people panic and things just don’t run very smoothly because we’re not used to snow! People seriously go a bit nutty from the white stuff – like the other day when we had about 5 flakes fall, for example. I had at least as many people as we had snowflakes mention to me when I was out that they couldn’t believe it had been snowing! lol So I’m hoping it’s not too treacherous for my parents to get here today…As of right now there is still snow on the streets, despite all the cars that have driven on them, and it’s snowing but extremely lightly. Maybe it’s turning to rain…My issue with it is that the only shoes I can wear right now are ones that will soak through in minutes in this weather, and they have no traction, so it’s not going to be easy for me if I have to go anywhere. And I’d really rather not risk slipping and falling at this stage of the game…

But anyway…

It was nice sitting by the window last night with James and just looking out at the snow. It was a bit entertaining watching cars slide down one particular street. Most people drove really slow but the odd one would pull some kind of stunt to keep everyone else on guard!

I enjoy the snow when I can sit inside with a warm drink and just look out at it, but I hate it when it gets all slushy and dirty and I have to go out in it…

So that’s where I’m at. A bit all over the place. I think it’s time to try to go back to bed…

Friday, December 12, 2008

A few pics...

I've been so neglectful of posting pictures lately. I don't know why that is...I guess I haven't been taking as many. Once baby is here I'll have 10 million of him or her though! LOL

Anyway...here are a few...

This one was taken a week ago. My belly isn't a whole lot bigger since then. Well, maybe it is...it's possible baby is still gaining half a pound a week, or so I'm told! But while it feels a bit fuller I don't think I'm looking TOO much bigger. I'll get James to take a few pics of me this weekend and we'll know for sure ;)

I love this shirt though, 'Kicking 24/7' - how true, how true!! All up into my ribs these days :)

Last Sunday we took our stroller out for a test run, just to make sure we could finagle it ok. It's a bit cumbersome so we needed to know if it would work for us. My grandma bought it for us from her neighbour so it's second hand but in very good condition. It's one of the most expensive ones on the market (at least of the variety sold in department stores) so it's a great quality one, and my grandma got a major deal on it!

Since we were wanting to really test it out in terms of getting baby in there etc, we used Classic Pooh (a gift from my bro and s-i-l for baby) and strapped him in all snug! BUT we didn't take him with us when we went out - that would have been a little too weird, even for us!

The proud father (lol):

It felt weird being out with the stroller...I put my purse where Pooh is sitting...but I think a lot of ppl still thought a baby was in there. And then there's me pushing it with a giant pregnant belly. I figured ppl were probably thinking, "Gawd, hasn't she heard of birth control?!" because it would look like I had a little baby AND was having another one! But then again, there's a good chance no one even noticed...I did see a few ppl trying to catch a glimpse of our baby in there - they didn't seem too excited to see my purse though, for some strange reason :PHere we are on Dec 5th, our 10 yr anniversary :) So happy together!
A family photo...I wish Moorka was in it too but she ran away when we moved a chair to be able to stand by the window...Scaredy cat!
This one shows off my belly more...I do look forward to the future when it's not so puffy so James and I can hug and actually feel like our bodies are touching!!And it wouldn't be a picture post without one of Maude! She is such a sweetheart. I can't get enough of her! This is her wearing the bandana we got her as an early Xmas gift. On the back it says, 'Fleas Navidad.' She hates wearing clothes but she seemed ok with this, and she looked so darn cute in it!

Come on baby, show me a sign!

Woke up this morning to snow, although it never stuck – just some wet flakes coming down. James decided to work from home to avoid having to bike in it as he’d have got drenched if he did. Not that he isn’t used to getting soaked on his way to work – this is Vancouver, after all! But I was happy to know he’d be staying home for the day. It means he can be done work a little earlier and I won’t be sitting here waiting for him to get home! That might make me sound pathetic but I do sort of wait around since I’m starving usually by the time he’s getting off work and I’m forever waiting for him to get home so we can EAT! lol

I had to go for my midwife appointment this morning. I so did not want to venture out in the weather – which by this time had turned to heavy rain. And wind. I was crossing the street and the wind blew my umbrella inside out – and I have a fairly sturdy umbrella! Luckily it didn’t break – I would be needing it for the rest of my trip!

My appt went well. I feel more comfortable with my midwife each visit, which is good given she’ll be catching our baby very soon!! It’s good to have a good relationship with the person who will be going through that with you. Though there is one other person she’s dealing with who is due around the same time as me so there’s always a chance I’ll get a different midwife when the time comes…hopefully not though.

Anyway, all is going well – baby has dropped but is not fully engaged yet. Definitely further down into my pelvis from last week though so that’s a good sign! And facing the right way so I shouldn’t have back labour, which is a relief. I’m feeling confident that baby is going to come out naturally. At the end of the appt she did an exam to see if my cervix is open and if there’s any dilation happening but at the moment I’m completely closed up! She said it doesn’t really mean anything though – she’s done exams with the same results before and 2 days later the woman gave birth, and on the flip side she’s had patients who were a few cm’s dilated already but didn’t give birth for another 2 weeks…So anything can happen! Still it was kind of interesting to find out where I’m at. Also she could feel baby’s head RIGHT on the other side of my cervix, which tells us baby’s pretty darn close to wanting to come out – which is a very good sign that things are going to go as they should!

Ahhhhh so much to think about!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby was quite squirmy afterwards – not so much after that exam but after listening to the heartbeat and having the midwife poke my belly to make sure of baby’s positioning. Baby does NOT like to be poked and prodded!

So that’s where we’re at. I went and got some cat food and a few groceries on my way home – I shouldn’t be carrying stuff anymore though, it took me a good 20 minutes to get home with it all, possibly longer, when normally it would be about a 7 minute walk. My poor back! And not to mention getting completely drenched – my shoes were so soaked through that when I took them off I was making water footprints on the tile by the door!

Oh well, I am in for the rest of the day and night now, so I can lounge in my jammies and relax =)


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